I know they are lies.
And yet I beleive them.
Every. Single. Time.
Lately, I've been obsessing quite a bit about my weight. Well, not my weight so much as my body and how I look. It's always been a struggle for me, how I view myself. Even before I gained weight and had kids and all of that. I've never felt beautiful. And just to put this out here, I am NOT looking for compliments or reassurances. I wouldn't know what to do with them anyway. I'm just laying my heart out, because I need to get some of this off of my chest so that I do not explode.
This week, on numerous occasions, someone thin has walked by me, and I have thought "I wish I could look like that." Skinny. What is that like? Using food as a coping mechanism is so NOT going to create the healthy body image I crave. I know this. I know the right answers.
"Trust God."
"You're beautiful on the inside. That's what really counts."
I am so NOT that Proverbs 31 woman. A long time ago, a dear friend actually introduced me to Proverbs 31, by putting verse 30 in a letter. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." So I KNOW that those outward things don't matter. I know what does matter. I do. But I fear that my heart will never reconcile with my mind on this one.
I am so NOT that Proverbs 31 woman. A long time ago, a dear friend actually introduced me to Proverbs 31, by putting verse 30 in a letter. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." So I KNOW that those outward things don't matter. I know what does matter. I do. But I fear that my heart will never reconcile with my mind on this one.
Satan tells me lies, a lot. Pretty much ALLTHEFREAKIN'TIME whenever I look in the mirror. I see things that maybe no one else ever will. Maybe even things that aren't there. And yet I can still see them. Every time I start to feel this way, I am reminded of a Caedmon's Call song, "Piece of Glass". How I wish I could embrace the truth in that song.
Can't believe that I did it again
Wake me up from this nightmare
Cause this monster is wasting me away and taking my days
Every day I live a bit less; one night leads to another
Even if I went back would they recognize me or criticize me
Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I'm just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can't rely
After all you're just a piece of glass
Still I control this nightmare, when I call it answers
But I can't tell it when to come, or when to stay
Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I'm just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can't rely
After all you're just a piece of glass
Don't talk, listen
Hold me tighter
Stay with me just for a while
Until the sun shines stay with me
Just give me one more day
Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I'm just a trace of the person I once was
Cause we're not the same, you're just a picture of me
You're gone as soon as I leave; you've lived my life for me
And you're no more than a piece of glass
You're no more than just a piece of glass
Jamie, by the time you are 40 you will be more accepting of your body. By the time you are 50, you really won't care anymore. By the time you are 60, you'll be praying for more strength, and by the time you are 70 you'll be asking God to relieve your daily aches and pains. I know it's no comfort now, but lots of women have been where you are now. Count your blessings, my dear, because you really are beautiful inside and out.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it helps, but I can tell you with 99.9% certainty, even that girl you see who you'd trade with in an instant, even she has insecurities and has something she hates about herself, her body, her weight. It's really sad, but we are always our own worst critics. Think about Heidi Montag! She was beautiful and thin and had a great figure... but she's still not happy. Seeking perfection is a dangerous thing!
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you know that deep down you are a good person and have a good heart - some people don't get that far! Anyway, you might never be perfectly happy with how you look, but sometimes it's good enough to just *not* be too unhappy :)
I do the same thing when a beautiful girl walks by me. Recently, I have been telling myself that I have to accept the new heavier me.
ReplyDelete