By nature, I tend to place blame on myself, whether it is warranted or not. I have a problem forgiving myself, even for things that happened 17 years ago, when I was young and naive and didn't know anything about life and the "real world". And it is even worse now, when I make mistakes and am faced with the consequences. I carry a very heavy burden of guilt and shame. Each year, each month, each day, each minute, the burden grows. Until I am here, now. Drowning in the guilt and shame I have not allowed God to take from my shoulders.
I know all the right answers. I know in my head that GOD should be the one carrying those, taking those away, restoring me. But after 33 years of life experience, I finally realize that I have been incapable of truly convincing my heart that God's grace and forgiveness extends to ME.
I have no problem believing that God loves unconditionally and forgives everyone. Except for me. Not that he can't. Not that he won't. But that I don't deserve it. Kris would argue that none of us do really, which usually just makes me mad but that's a story for another time. While I understand what he is really implying, my reasoning and
I've been going to counseling for approximately two months and have realized that I never really understood what God's unconditional love really was, or what it meant. I KNOW about it. I've actually SEEN it demonstrated through my husband, as he has loved me through some very dark times in our marriage. But I don't really UNDERSTAND it in my heart. Deep down where it matters. And seeing Kris demonstrate that kind of love, instead of accepting it, I am astounded and I find myself asking "Why?" How could he? Why would he? I am NOT an easy woman to live with. I know many of you are shaking your heads vigorously right now, those of you who know me, thinking "poor Kris". Why the man continues to put up with me, and further...really LOVE me...I just don't really get it. I do BELIEVE it. Finally. I didn't used to. But I do at least believe that he loves me. I just can't get past the WHY.
I have some crazy notion that unconditional love should apply to everyone but me, even though I know that it is
February 11, 2012 is a day that is etched into my memory and deep in my heart. It is a day that I will never forget. It began what would become the worst week of my life to date. During the following 8 days, I wasn't sure that I would survive. I wasn't sure I wanted to. I didn't know who I was, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, whether I wanted to fight for my marriage. I wasn't even sure I cared about anything at all. And I wasn't sure that what was broken between Kris and I would ever be fixed. Kris and I have some deep wounds. Wounds we have inflicted on each other. For the last seven years, we had basically just been existing together; we lost each other somewhere along our 12 year journey together. And I will never forget the things that transpired since that day.
God's hand was working in so many different ways. There is too much to include in this blog post. Don't worry. It'll be in my book someday. ;-) Counseling the last two weeks was very emotional for me. We were working hard, I think trying to get to the roots behind this wall I have up, between me and God. While I have given my heart fully to my husband in a way I never thought I could again, and he has done the same in return, I have still been wrestling with this concept of a God who loves NO MATTER WHAT, forgiving myself (for pretty much everything I've ever done wrong in the last 33 years), who I am, and what the next step is. It has been so overwhelming at times. Since counseling last Friday, I really felt like God was tugging at my heart. I can't even tell you how long it has been since I ALLOWED MYSELF to feel that. Kris keeps saying that God is wooing me. I believe it, and I know that Kris' prayers for my heart and my soul are being heard and that God is working and moving. It isn't a matter of IF I will let him back in. It's a matter of when.
Today I experienced something so powerful. I had picked up Casting Crowns' CD "The Altar an the Door" from the library and was listening to "Slow Fade" which I wrote about not too long ago. I had focused on just that song, as I find it so descriptive of where I found myself on February 11, 2012. Today though, something compelled me (God very likely) to keep listening. I drove out to St. Charles for a much needed (ok, not really NEEDED) trip to Hobby Lobby while the songs played. I found myself trying with much difficulty to hold back the tears as the words from this CD washed over me. When I got to "Somewhere in the Middle", I quit fighting and let the tears fall. It's like this CD was written for me, for this time in my life.
I couldn't blog well from my phone, but I knew I needed to get my thoughts down. So I emailed Kris. Here is some of what I wrote to him, concerning this CD.
"Each song seemed like some sort of progression.
Right after "Slow Fade" is "East to West". I had heard that song before but never really thought about the words much. As I listened, I was barely able to hold the tears back, but I stubbornly did, not letting myself feel it. I didn't pay much attention to the next song, "The Word is Alive", but then as "The Altar and the Door" came on and I listened to the words, the tears threatened to spill over again. And then, "Somewhere in the Middle" came on. The tears flowed and the words just washed over me. I didn't have any kind of deep insight or anything, and I can still feel myself holding onto everything, but that song described how I felt. I thought I was on one end and God on the other. I realized through those lyrics that no, I wasn't at the other end; I was somewhere in the middle, between the altar and the door. The next song "I Know You're There" didn't do much to help me pull myself together. Then there was this song called "Prayer for a Friend" and I just got this sense that some people are likely praying that for me. It's all this progression. Starting with "Slow Fade" and making choices over time that change you. Then a song about how far God's forgiveness extends. Then a song about God's word being real and alive. Then a song about being between the altar and the door, compounded by the next one about being caught in the middle, and a song acknowledging God's presence even when we don't feel it, a prayer for someone who is wrestling with all those things. And lastly, the song that ends the CD is called "All Because of Jesus". Normally I wouldn't have thought much about this, except that it is the first song they sang in chapel on Tuesday at school. I had never heard it before and didn't really give it much thought then, but I find it interesting (to say the least) that it is on this album. I just...I don't know. I feel like I'm on the verge of something. I'm not sure what. A breakthrough maybe. I can feel my heart being tugged and I am not too stupid to not know who is pulling at it, trying to pull my walls down.
I knew I wanted write it down, and will continue listening to the album because I know God is trying to reach me through the songs on it and how it just seems to resemble my life, my struggles, my being "stuck" in the middle. And I know that the songs that follow are the key; they contain the truth my heart needs to understand.
And I think Satan was trying to prevent me from hearing it honestly. When I put the cd in, it said "no". Literally. It read "CD NO". And it wouldn't play the CD. I tried ejecting it and it kept saying no. I finally kept at it, and it eventually came out. I wiped it down then put it back in. Same problem. It said no. I ejected it again (it resisted) and I thought about just putting it away when it finally did come out, but I was determined to listen to the CD. Finally it started playing...and this is where I wound up.
I'm close. I can feel it. I shared with Sheri and then you last night that I was scared of the pain that comes from surrender, even though I know at the end comes redemption. I think it was important for me to acknowledge that out loud. It's that fear of experiencing pain that holds me back. But I think that is the next step. Ripping off that band-aid I put over my heart and allowing God to heal what is broken. "
So that is where I am at right now. Below I have included a video (with lyrics) of the song that really reached into, and took hold of, my heart. I hope that if you are in the same place that I find myself, this song brings you a measure of comfort, as it has me.
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