First and foremost, I'm an idiot.
Second, God is good.
When we were at counseling yesterday and our counselor asked that I be open to restitution and making amends with those I have hurt, I had NO idea God would set up a divine meeting for the SAME DAY!
The friend I referred to yesterday texted me last night, asking if she and I could meet to talk. This sent me into a severe panic attack, during which I was sick to my stomach and felt like my world was spinning out of control. I KNEW God wasn't going to let me off that easily...just writing a letter of apology.
But really?
THE SAME NIGHT?
If you have ever thought that God doesn't have a sense of humor, trust me. He does. Where do you think I get it? ;-)
In retrospect, the way it all worked out was really better for me emotionally than had it happened any other way. Had I known my friend had knowledge of the information she now holds prior to her email confronting it, I likely would have been in an even more agitated and panicky state than I already was, upon learning she knew of this information. In addition, I spent the greater part of Thursday night and most of Friday trying to assuage my anxiety. Likely, if we had not met up last night to talk and cry it out, I'd still be a mess of anxiety today. And really, I believe it is preparing me for a different, scarier meeting down the road with one other friend, that I am sure will come some day. (Dear God, please don't let it be today. Please?!?)
My first thought, when she said she wanted to meet with me, was to run away. To be a coward. To refuse to face my actions, to face her and admit what I had done, apologize and hope that she would someday be able to forgive me. That thought was immediately replaced with the counselor's voice saying "I want you to be open to making amends" and God saying "Take heart. I'm right beside you."
All of this took place in my mind, in a matter of seconds, and my decision to go was made before I even told Kris I was going out. We spent a few minutes talking about it and he prayed with me, and then I left to go meet her. We sat in a fast food parking lot for two hours, talking and crying. She extended to me forgiveness and love, even though I had hurt her deeply. A few weeks ago, I would have left there feeling like the worst person to ever live, constantly inflicting punishment upon myself that Christ already took for me on the Cross. Instead, I left there KNOWING I am a wretched sinner, but FEELING the freedom that comes from really understanding the Cross.
The way that she handled the situation is to be commended. She could have done any number of things. She could have screamed at me. She could have punched me in the throat. She could have cursed at me. She could have shown me hatred and contempt. All of these would have been understood by me and justified on her part. Instead, she did something that, while uncharacteristic of MOST people in her situation, was so very characteristic of her. She loved me. She showed understanding and compassion, in the midst of her own sorrow and confusion and grief over the pain that I had caused her. Only a sincere relationship with God can allow a person to do this.
Most of you know that I don't do hugs. I don't like to be touched. Somehow, as the conversation progressed, I just knew that I would wind up hugging her before the night ended. And so when she prayed with me at the close of our conversation and asked if she could get a hug, it seemed the most natural thing to do. It wasn't uncomfortable and in fact, brought a great deal of comfort to me. It was healing. I was making amends. I was doing whatever I could to make restitution for the harm I had caused her. And it felt good. I think it was something we both needed. I don't think in the entire 10+ years I have known her that I have ever hugged her. And while our friendship can't really continue at this point in time, we both got the closure we needed to move ahead in our lives. I am deeply saddened that my actions cost us our friendship, but again, consequences. Collateral damage. God will give us both the strength we need to heal from the loss of that friendship.
And God brought good out of it. I went into it terrified, yet doing my best to be strong and courageous. To trust God. To give my anxiety to Him and allow Him to care for me. And He proved faithful. As always.
Which brings me back to my first two points.
I'm an idiot.
God is good.
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