Identity

Defined, identity is "the state or fact of remaining the same one...the condition of being oneself, and not another...condition or character as to who a person is."  Thank you Dictionary.com.

For so many years, I allowed my sin and who I THOUGHT I was to define me.  When it comes down to it, Satan had ingrained in me so deeply a lie.  A lie about who I was and WHOSE I was.  At counseling today, having already written down a long list of "life changing" events for a previous "assignment", we (and by we, I mean the counselor) put a word to the overall theme that emerged from many of those events.  The word was REJECTION.

Rejection was not so quickly defined.  Dictionary.com kept referring me back to the actual word rejecting or rejected.  To reject something is to "refuse to have, take, recognize...to refuse to grant (a request)...to refuse to accept (someone)...to discard as useless or unsatisfactory."

For so long, I lived my life feeling that way.  Deep down to the core of my very being.  I believed with all my heart that I was useless.  There was no doubt in my mind that I was unsatisfactory.  And that I always would be.  And it wasn't just something I can blame on my childhood or my marriage or life events, or even the shame of my sin.  The real ROOT of my identity, how I saw myself and the person I thought I was, was based on a lie.  A lie that Satan whispered every second of every day of my life; from the time I was able to hear and think and reason for myself, Satan was there, telling me that same lie, over and over again.

He told me that I was useless.  He told me that I was unsatisfactory.  And having believed that lie time after time, I grew up to be a 33 year old woman, without an identity.  Completely broken and alone.

Useless.  

Unsatisfactory.  

I'll confess another word that Satan always whispered.  

UNWANTED.  

REJECTED.

This is the lie that was so embedded in my head and in my heart that I couldn't even see it for what it was.  It seemed only natural to me that I was to be rejected.  And I lived my life under the weight of that rejection, and the fear of rejection.  I've always just chalked it up to low self-esteem.  I didn't realize until today that the word I used to identify myself was "rejected".  Looking back, I can see that it is true.  And that while I felt rejected, I never truly was.  Not by my parents, not by my husband, or my kids.  And not by God.

Satan just constantly fed me the lie, and I believed it.  It became a root that sunk deep into my heart and wound itself around everything living inside me.  It choked out God's truth and kept me blind to WHO I REALLY AM.

You throw my two old friends "Shame" and "Guilt" into the mix and I was quite a mess.  For a very long time.  When you spend 33 years (some of which you don't even realize it's happening during) believing Satan's lies, it can be very difficult to turn the other direction.  For me, it took God literally intervening into my life when I was at my lowest point.  I would never have been able to look past and see through Satan's lies, except for the grace of God.  God literally stepped in, disrupted my contentedly messed up life, and forced me to choose.  Life or death?  Truth or lies?

All of this brings me to the reason I actually sat down to write this post.  Does anyone want to guess what this is a picture of?  I'll give you a moment to silently, in your heads, ponder it before I tell you.

Ready?

Set....

GUESS!

During counseling, I was given a new assignment.  One in which I find Scripture that affirms God's truth about who I am and what Christ did for me on the Cross.  So, over lunch, I told Kris that I needed a Bible.  My fortune cookie confirmed it, saying "A good time to start something new."  ;-)

Of course, I wanted a brand new one right then and there but would be perfectly barely content with an old one for the time being.  A new Bible is a new chance to do it right, in my mind.  For me, it's like being re-baptized, or rededicating my life to God.  It may sound weird or crazy.  It may actually BE weird or crazy.  But I don't care.  I accept that I am both weird and crazy and I'm finally OK with that!  Because you know what?  While those things may be true, that's not my identity. It's not WHO I am.

So, as you have now guessed, that picture is the cover of a Bible that Kris saw at the bookstore.  We were looking through several.  We started out looking at study Bibles, then moved around the corner to the cheaper Bibles.  Ones that didn't have all the fancy devotions and stories on how to apply the Bible to your life.  After I finally decided on a thin, purple $35 one, Kris found the above-pictured Bible.  The words "true identity" caught his eye, as he knows full well that this is something I am trying to really figure out and embrace.  My identity in Christ.  Whose I am.  So of course, it caught my eye too.  I set down my chosen purple Bible without all the study questions and such, and started to look through the Bible Kris had found.  "Trueidentity The Bible for Women".  That is what the box stated.  Well, I'm a woman.  And I'm looking to really discover my true identity.  Let's see if anything jumps out at me, shall we?

So I opened it up to the front.  The page I opened again had the name of the Bible, then written below was this:

I thought "OK God.  What are you trying to get at here?"  With a little smile on my face, recognizing that God was speaking to me.

I delved deeper.  I still wasn't even to the actual "Bible" part!  I read the introduction to the Bible and the purpose in its design.  This is what I read:

"As women, we often define ourselves by our accomplishments or our relationships.  But those things do not last.  When we lose the job, or our husbands fail us or leave us, or we feel like our lives are falling apart, then our identities crumble."

Um...does that sound like anything else you've read on my blog recently???

Continuing...

"But if we define our true identity by who we are in Christ, by who God tells us we are, then we are unshakeable.  Then no matter what happens in life, we know who we are, and we can face whatever comes our way.  The purpose of this Bible, True Identity, is to help women deal with life issues by defining their true identity in Christ through his Word.  Once we as women understand who we are in God's eyes, who we are because of what Jesus did for us on the cross, we can begin to see ourselves and our lives differently.  And when we ROOT [I used all caps on that word] our identities in Christ, we have the freedom, security and confidence to deal with the issues in our lives and not be overcome by them."

Hello!?!!  This is all the new truth that God has been teaching me since Good Friday!  And I love that it uses the word ROOT.  There are specific reasons why I love that word, and why it is a message to me from God; and it seems to just keep popping up in random books or phrases or places; like today, in this Bible.

Under the heading "Relevant to Your Life", I read:

"The core value for this Bible is relevancy.  God wrote a timeless Book that's relevant to your life today, even though it was written thousands of years ago.  You'll discover that the features in this Bible are both intellectually stimulating and relevant to every day life.  You won't find dry study notes that don't tie to life or feel-good devotions that don't tie to the Bible.  You'll find personal, sophisticated, honest, practical advice.  You'll find relevance, redefined."

Wow.  That sounds like my kind of book!  We all know I can't stand reading lame devotionals or books that aren't "sophisticated".  I'm kind of a snob like that...

There was another heading underneath, "Created for Women".  It said:

"True Identity was written for Christian women in their twenties and thirties, with an emphasis on the issues women face during these years, such as career, dating, marriage, children, changing friendships, moving, etc.  This is a time of transition for women."

I'm in my thirties.  This Bible was written for ME.  And I am most definitely going through a HUGE transition!  I was still, in the back of my mind, thinking about the non-study Bible on the shelf mere feet away, that was half the price; while in the forefront I was thinking "This Bible was made for ME."  And just to flip through it to see what the pages looked like, the first page I opened to had 2 Kings 15:15 in the top left corner.  On the right side, it talked about Rahab.  There were different questions, posed as if they were to Rahab herself, with her answers.  I skimmed through until the end where my eyes caught THIS:

"So what do you think is the real lesson of your life?
Simply put, we have a God of second chances.  No matter what is in your past--your failures, mistakes or sins--God can forgive you and offer you new life.  If he can redeem someone like me [Rahab], he can change anyone."

By now, I'm just shaking my head in amusement at God and his timing and his little messages to me, while searching for a new Bible.  It was JUST yesterday that I wrote about God being a God of second chances.  God is just reaffirming everything he has been teaching me over the last month.

And you know what I just realized?  Good Friday was 4 weeks ago today.  Exactly one month later, after such a life-changing experience, God is saying "Don't forget.  Remember what I taught you.  Remember what I have done for you."

I LOVE IT!

So, as you can guess, I left the bookstore with the True Identity Bible.  And a very broke (financially) husband.  Who loves me.  A whole lot.  When I got out to the van and was looking at it, in light of our counseling session today and understanding that the rejection I always felt through life was all just a LIE from the enemy, I noticed the cover of the Bible again.  It doesn't simply say "true identity".  It says "true. identity".  There is a PERIOD.  Do you know what a period is?  It ENDS a thought or a sentence.  Another reinforcement.  Another little message from God.  True.  Identity.  It's found in Him.