Starting Over

Two weeks ago tonight my life changed drastically. Most people didn't notice the change or don't know the details, because well quite frankly, it's my story to tell if and when I'm ready. I know that those of you who stalk me on Facebook have seen some crazy up and down posts for the last two weeks. Not to worry. My life is stabilizing. At least...that's what I'm aiming for.

Someday I'll write a book about everything that has encompassed the last 13 years of my life, but tonight is not that night and my blog isn't going to be the place I do that. All I want to say here is that I'm starting over. It would take months at least for me to write my whole life story and even longer for you to read it. But I'm 33 years old and recognize that I need to start over. As a wife. As a mom. As a woman of God (I'm not sure I ever really figured out how to begin that journey yet).

My husband and I watched Fireproof tonight. It isn't the first time that we have seen the movie but a song on there really struck me. I have heard it before but it never really hit me so hard in the gut before. So I just wanted to share that tonight. It's called Slow Fade by Casting Crowns. The video is moving, to be sure, but the lyrics just really cut to my heart and speak volumes. This song puts it into words better than I ever could begin to.



Slow Fade - Casting Crowns


Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray 
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray 
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Let the pieces fall where they may

A choice has been made. There is no going back now. I woke up this morning with a clarity I haven't felt in a long time. I don't know how many people are out there praying for me, but I think God has been listening. I know what I want and where I want to be. I don't know what awaits me on the other side, but I have a glimmer of hope that it will be filled with blessings and love. And so I am at the proverbial fork in the road, and I've made my choice. I'll admit. I'm terrified. Big life changes are always scary. The funny thing is, that this "big life change" will be seen by practically no one. But that isn't what matters. What matters is that I am choosing to embrace that change. No matter how emotional or scary it is. And in the end, it will mean a much stable life with my husband and kids. I didn't think I could do it two days ago. Now I know that I can. With support of close family and friends that know the specifics, I think I can do it and come through it resilient. At least, I hope that I can.

Meet Jamie

Hi! For those of you who don't remember me, my name is Jamie and, as you can clearly see, I have neglected my blog. For almost an entire month. I am ashamed.

It's funny how people that know me can gauge where I'm at mentally or emotionally simply by the lag in my blog or the infrequent Facebook status updates. When I'm feeling pretty good (and not swamped with, well, life), I tend to be on Facebook a lot and write more. So, I guess you could say that this isn't one of those times in my life.

This is a very interesting time in my life. Pivotal really. More pivotal than the last pivotal time of pivoting. :) I'm 33 years old and I don't know who I am. I know several things about myself. I have a husband that loves me for reasons I am not sure I will ever fully understand. I have four amazing children, one of which who prayed the other night that God would show me that I'm a good mommy. And that's just the prayer I know about. I know the others are praying for me too. I have two parents who I know pray for me and my family daily, and I really appreciate this about them. I have a job teaching Spanish now at the kids' school, I have my Little Bishop Creations business that I am trying to put into motion to make up some of our lost income and I have my night job, which I have been neglecting lately. But even though I know those things, I don't really know who I am. Or what I am doing with my life.

There has been a battle going on in my head and in my heart for a very long time. And it seems to all be coming to a head and I'm at a point in my life where I have to answer some serious life questions. Not out loud or to anyone else. But to myself. For myself. I've been avoiding this blog. Not always intentionally, but I think that on some level I knew that if I sat down and started writing, this is what it would look like. And I guess I just didn't want to. To admit that I have made a lot of mistakes. To admit that I am not the wife and mother I SHOULD be, let alone the one I want to be.

I started this over an hour ago and am just exhausted. I know it's only half of a post, but it is what it is.