They did what?!?

Lately, I find myself astonished as I read the Old Testament.  I'm seeing it in a completely different light.

The Bible mini-series left me longing to re-read all the stories I grew up with:

Adam and Eve
Daniel and the Lion's Den
David and Goliath
Noah's Ark
Abraham and Issac
The Fiery Furnace

And so many more...

I want to read it to verify what was truth from the actual Bible and what the writers of the mini-series added/took away.  I want to read the stories again, this time from the perspective of the prodigal that has finally come home.

So, I have been using YouVersion and listening to the reading plan "Eat This Book" on my way to work in the mornings.  It starts in Genesis and I have to say that I am shocked over most of what I have heard.  I could write a blog post on each story that left me thinking, "What?  They did what?!?"

Today I listened to the story of Jacob and Rachel (and, as Rich Mullins once sang, "Leah was just there for dramatic effect").  Yesterday, I listened to Jacob and Esau.  And I realized something I hadn't really known before.  I knew that Jacob tricked Esau.  I remember most of the story.  But I didn't realize just how crafty he was, thanks to advice from  his mother, Rebecca.  There was a very well-thought out plan to ensure that Jacob received Esau's blessing/inheritance.  It was sneaky and apparently so convincing that Issac believed that Jacob really was Esau.

I found myself wondering if Issac really believed that Jacob was Esau, or if he just played along for some unknown reason.  Though, I have to say that it seems clear that while he doubted initially, Isaac was finally convinced that Jacob really was Esau.  He gives Jacob the blessing, and when Esau comes in later, Isaac's hands are tied.  Esau practically begs Issac to give him some sort of blessing.  Issac contrives a blessing for Esau, even though what was rightly Esau's had already been given to Jacob.

And what I really found interesting, not to mention somewhat amusing, was that Jacob gets himself entangled with people who continually trick him.  Issac didn't want Jacob to marry the foreigners in their country, so he sends him to his uncle Laban.  It is there that he is promised Laban's daughter, Rachel, and then tricked into marrying Leah, and required to work for Laban for seven years.  When Laban finally gives Rachel to Jacob, he is tricked AGAIN into working seven more years.  After that, when Jacob wants to leave, Laban finds another way to keep Jacob.

Something to consider about Rachel:

I think she was the world's first drama queen.

Check this out:

Genesis 30:1 - "When Rachel saw that she wasn't having any children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister.  She pleaded with Jacob,  "Give me children, or I'll die!"

In spite of all of this, Jacob figures out a way to break free from Laban and finally leaves.  The story goes on, Laban gives chase, God tells Laban to leave Jacob alone, and Jacob finally goes home.  So, it all came full circle.  Jacob tricked Issac, and then he reaped what he had sowed.  AND THEN SOME!  I do not think that it was mere coincidence.  I believe that this dishonest spirit in Jacob yielded consequences.  Jacob was rewarded in kind.

All in all, I find myself astounded and thinking, "No wonder so many people don't believe that The Bible is truth."  I believe the Bible.  I was raised with the stories, and in my old age, I have not turned from it.  I still remember.  And I believe.

But I have recently been trying to put myself in the shoes of non-believers.  I listen to the stories with a new perspective.  And I wonder how on earth one can use the most well-known stories of The Bible to encourage non-believers to believe in the God in that book.  I've been raised with the stories and I have a hard time understanding the truth in them. 

I just believe. 

And certainly there will be non-believers that can hear the stories, leading up to the crucifixion, death and resurrection of Christ that simply believe.  But, there was some crazy stuff that was recorded in the Bible.  It was insane, really.  No wonder Jesus' own disciples had trouble truly believing that he was going to die, even after he had told them repeatedly.

And so, I find myself unsure of the right answer here.  Except that I now have an understanding that people's hearts will be won to Christ when I myself live and act as Christ did.  As I build relationships and live out God's word each day.  I become more and more convinced that it really is all about loving people, flaws and all.  Not that the Bible isn't important.  It is.  But in this crazy, messed up world, I am no less a sinner than anyone else.  You all know I've done my share of running from God's unrelenting love.  We are all the same in God's eyes.  Sinners, but His children nonetheless.

There really isn't much else to my musings.  These are just some random thought that have been going through my head over the last couple of weeks.

What "story" in the Bible do you find the most difficult to believe?
Which do you think is better:  good ol' fashioned "Bible thumping" or building relationships and loving people?  Somewhere in between?

Scandal of Grace

Grace what have you done?

Murdered for me on that Cross.

Accused in absence of wrong

My sin washed away in your blood.

Too much to make sense of it all.

I know that your love breaks my fall.

The scandal of grace, You died in my place

So my soul will live

Oh to be like you

To give all I have just to know you

Jesus, there's no one besides you

Forever the hope in my heart

Death, where is your sting?

Your power is as dead as my sin

The Cross has taught me to live

In mercy, my heart now to sing

The day and its trouble shall come

I know that your strength is enough

The scandal of grace, You died in my place

So my soul will live

Oh to be like you

To give all I have just to know you

Jesus, there's no one besides you

Forever the hope in my heart

And it's all because of You, Jesus

It's all because of You, Jesus

It's all because of Your love

And my soul will live

-Hillsong, "Scandal of Grace"

Have you heard this song yet?  I just heard it over the weekend.  It was one that immediately grabbed my attention.  "Grace, what have You done?  Murdered for me on that Cross."  Those words alone were enough to catch my breath and leave me straining to hear the rest of the lyrics.  Wow.  So powerful.

I just love this song.  Aside from the amazing lyrics, the sound is great too.  It sounds like Hillsong, and yet it doesn't.  And the message is clear.  And it is a message that I have been experiencing for almost a year now.  As we approach Good Friday, I get more and more excited.  You may or may not remember that Good Friday 2012 was a game changer for me.  It is the day that I finally understood just what Jesus did on that Cross.

He didn't just die for the sins of the world.

It's much more personal than that.

He took my sin.  He took my shame.  He took my punishment.

All of the guilt and the wrong that I was punishing myself for.

God moved in my heart, and opened my eyes to see that Jesus' extended arms on that Cross were stretched out for me, along with the rest of the world.  It changed everything:  my heart, my life, the way that I see the world.  I was dead spiritually, and on that day, I came to life!

So, of course I would love this song.  It is a message that speaks so deeply to my heart.  And I can nod my head and mean those words in my heart.  "Oh to be like you, to give all I have just to know you.  Jesus, there's no one besides you.  Forever the hope in my heart."

That is how I want to live.  This song is a reminder to me to keep trying.  When I make mistakes and scream at my kids or treat my husband poorly which happens way too often hardly ever, I need to remember that I want to give all I have just to know this Jesus who saved me when I deserved death.  I love the line at the end of the chorus and have found that God is forever the hope in my heart.  Were it not for God giving up his Son, to die in my place, I wouldn't have the hope that I am now filled with and want to extend to others.

"The Cross has taught me to live."

Truly being alive is so much better than the "life" I thought I had before. I stand in awe of the Cross and the truth of those words.  The truth of how truly dead I was, even though I knew all the right things.  You can know something in your head, but never really understand it in your heart.  Sometimes, I think it takes God stripping away all that we think we love and hold so dear for us to open our eyes and learn to truly live.

Does this song speak to you?  

I want to encourage you to ponder the message in this song, as this Easter season approaches.  You won't regret it!

Little Bishops Recap

I'm torn when it comes to this blog.  In general, my writing has been infrequent and inconsistent.  It is partly due to working on a computer all day.  It's partly that I feel exhausted when I get home from work.  I know this might shock you, but scanning papers and typing on a computer all day long is less than glamorous.

It's difficult to keep up with two blogs also.  I have trouble writing consistently on Loving When It Hurts, which is where my passion lies.  And then, at the same time, I have hilarious conversations with the kids, and I think "When was the last time I shared those with you?"

So, while I can't promise that I will write every day, or more than once or twice a month, I still feel like I should keep writing here.  I want a place to share my kids' lives, the crazy things I do, see or hear, and to talk about my book.

What is the status of your book you ask?

Well, it has a title still.  It's called "Saving Jacob."  I'm in the process of editing it.  I was stuck for a while, trying to rewrite a scene where the main character's mother and sister die.  I finally found a way out of it and I am working towards resolving that scene.  I hope that I will breeze through the rest and be able to pull it all together.  Before April 1.

What's on April 1 you ask?

Camp NaNoWriMo begins.  A chance to write another novel in a month.

Challenge accepted!

But I really, really want to finish my first book first.  I have my first review.  I gave a few chapters to a dear friend to read.  This is what she had to say, reading the beginning chapters in the book:

"So far I'm bawling my eyes out.  It's great!!!  I'm very eager to find out what happen."

Thanks for your kind words, and for reading through the first draft.  Now comes the hard part!  Completing the editing process and sending off for my 5 free copies, so I can lend them out and let you decide what you think of my first work of fiction.

For now, I'll leave you with some funny comments that have taken place over the last couple weeks.  I hope you enjoy these as much as we did.

Facebook status: Katherine is threatening to throw up...she knows how I feel about vomiting.

One friend said I should ground her.  I thought that was hilarious.

Facebook status:  I like school days better, when the kids get themselves ready and out the door w/o me.  C'mon!  This parenting thing is annoying sometimes!

Abbey responded with "Very mean.  I loathe school days because it's tiring.  If you don't want to drive us to grandma's why don't you leave us alone and let us sleep."

She has been using the word "loathe" a lot.  Primarily due to the fact that she has been listening to Wicked and Shrek soundtracks, and loves "What Is This Feeling" from Wicked.  Yesterday she sent me a message on Facebook that said this:

• Abbey Bishop

  
  Are you on mommy
• 

  6:49pm

  Jamie Bishop

  What's up?
• 

  6:50pm

  Abbey Bishop

  I wanted to let you know you are missing a horrible dinner at grandma's like always
• 

  6:51pm

  Jamie Bishop

  Ha ha
• 

  6:51pm

  Abbey Bishop

  I loathe what I could do while eating dinner
• 

  6:53pm

  Jamie Bishop

  Huh?
• 

  6:54pm

  Abbey Bishop

  Either watch a baby movie while JD whines or watch weird grownup shows with grownups and Katherin.
• 

  6:54pm

  Jamie Bishop

  Ha oh

  Is daddy there yet?
• 

  6:55pm

  Abbey Bishop

  Yes, he got here like 10 minutes ago

  I'm kinda glad when chat you. Your picture makes me feel loved'
• 

  6:57pm

  Jamie Bishop
• 

  6:57pm

  Abbey Bishop

  Good bye
  
  

  • • • Abbey Bishop

  
  
  

  • Or if we don't want to say bye we can hello
  • 

    6:59pm

    Jamie Bishop

    Ha ha
  • 

    7:00pm

    Abbey Bishop

    Bye for real but not like I'm never seeing you again, just for the moment
  • 

    7:02pm

    Jamie Bishop

That kid cracks me up!

Olivia hasn't been without her funny comments either.

"I don't like soda or bacon so I must be adopted."

Then, I had to sum up what happened at the Y the other night,  "I played a game at the pool with Olivia Bishop, who is a CHEATER and kept making up new rules (like time outs for those who weren't winning)! She said she was using her second cheat (I didn't know she had a first!). I said "Do I get a cheat?" She said that only the winner got cheats and I should have used mine in the beginning when I won the first race. :/ 
Something fishy is going on here..."
 More funny musings:  ""Babies' toes are so tiny when they are in their mommy's bellies. And when they're growing to a regular baby."

Katherine, the girl is becoming more of a brat, and more like her mother, isn't without witty, sarcastic comments.  The other night she said, ""It's really funny to have two people who want to be in control of everything. Kaleb can't be in control because Mommy wants to be.""

Kaleb just rolls his eyes most of the time and acts like he doesn't really want to be a part of every day life.  I think that pre-teen-leave-me-alone-mindset has already settled in on him.  He's funny and witty too, but those moments are few and far between.  But the talks I have with him at night, when we have time, and we are praying are pretty great.  One night he said, "You are a really good prayer.  You pray almost as good as Mammaw and Pappaw!"

I make no promises for how often I'll post here, and I don't even know if you are still following me here.  Obviously my life has been changing and marriage-related posts go on Loving When It Hurts now.  I'm struggling with the direction this blog should take.

Any suggestions?

The Post-Daneil Fast Post

So what did I learn from my three week purge of all foods delightful and delicous?  From commiting to spend all that time I would normally spend just thinking about food to growing closer to God?

Jeremiah 33:3 says "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Jeremiah said it better than I could. 

The Daniel Fast was an amazing experience, both physically and spiritually.  It is definitely something that I think I want to incorporate into my life on a regular basis.  Not every month, mind you, but maybe twice a year.  It was great to detox my body of all the processed and unhealthy food I had been consuming in large quantities.

Having dealt with chronic pain that would range from barely tolerate to take-me-to-the-ER-right-now, it was such a relief to feel a drastic difference in my neck and shoulders.  The tightness that was always there was practically gone.  The pain on the left side of my neck remains, but given that I have two herniated discs there, it could be worse.

What I found astounding on the physical side of things was that so many of the foods that I ate were causing inflammation.  And the inflammation is what was causing the pain to be so bad.  Overall, I would say that on a good day, just sitting still (i.e. not bending my neck to far forward or back/side to side), I can't feel any pain there.  Pain remains in my shoulders, but it too has decreased.  On the bad days, the pain is tolerable.  Meaning I don't feel like I need to take anything like Ibuprofen or the anti-inflammatory prescribed by the pain management doctor.  I still take the Gabapentin for nerve pain.  If I don't, I feel the pins and needles in my hands and start scratching at my skin.  Overall, it was the high quantities of sugar and gluten that were a large contributor to the amount of pain I was in.

On a spiritual end, I found myself praying for things and people that I have never done before.  I found myself on  numerous occasions having these intense "sessions" with God over my lunch hour, and really pouring myself into prayer for myself and others.

I can't even begin to fully describe what an incredible experience it was for me.  One of the best parts was watching Katherine participate in the fast, food restrictions and all.  The Sunday the fast ended, we were asked to think about what we had learned from the fast.

Katherine said this to me:

"That I think about food too much.  When you can't have it you realize how much you think about it, when you can't have it.  I realized that I need to think more about God and less about food.  I hope that what I got out of this fast is that I will spend more time with God now."

Isn't that an amazing thing for a twelve year old child to say?  But then, we do serve an amazing God, don't we?

Using Your Story

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 6:8

While watching The Hunger Games for the first time, I was really moved by Katniss volunteering as tribute, when her little sister's name was called.  I can remember sitting in the theater, crying.  I made the connection that I am sure many other have made.  It was a connection that I failed to see when I read the books themselves.

The Hunger Games revolves around a tribute being required, a sacrifice essentially, to remind the people of their past.  Of their history, where District 13 rebelled against the Capitol.  Upon doing so, District 13 was completely destroyed.  Rarely would any child want to be chosen to compete in The Hunger Games.

So when they announce that Primrose Everdeen is to be the female tribute from District 12, her older sister Katniss, unable to watch her sister face that fate, blurts out, "I volunteer!"  She rushes forward and says more firmly, "I volunteer as tribute!"  The book and movie continues, with Katniss taking the place of her sister in The Hunger Games.  Giving herself as a sacrifice, a tribute, in a fight to the death.

I love this picture.

Does Katniss sound like anyone else we know?

We were all in need of someone to save us.  We needed a sacrifice.  We owed the punishment (which was death) for our sin.  We deserved it.
But Jesus, unwilling to see us endure that kind of death, rushed forward and volunteered to take our place on the Cross.

A couple of weeks ago, a man preached about the Super Bowl.  While I couldn't get past the comparison to running the race/we're in our own Super Bowl, I came away with a few concepts that I had to write down, and need to remember.

The definition of persevere is to know the goal; don't lose sight of the finish line.

So, as we go forth and run this race, there are several things we need to remember:

*We need to know the course we are called to run.

*We can't let anything slow us down.

*We have to remember those who have finished well - Paul being a good example of this.

*We need to think less of our PAIN and more of God's approval.

*We cannot let fear control us.

If the man preaching can compare our Christian life to the Super Bowl, then I can compare whatever I want to The Hunger Games.  I can't even explain to you how clearly I see Jesus through this section of the book.  When our names were called to fight to the death, knowing we'd likely die because our sin was so great, Jesus yelled out "I volunteer."  He looked at us and with pain and compassion in his eyes, he said "I volunteer as tribute!"

The Hunger Games aside, the man preaching mentioned how the enemy uses our failure to distract us. This is something I have been well aware of, and I realize how Satan likes to use the pain and mistakes of our past to keep up from moving forward.  He wants to keep us trapped there, held in sin and shame.

But the preacher said something too that just really hit home for me.

Failure is NOT final !

Do you believe that?

Think about it.

How many times have you "failed" or made a mistake, and then allowed that mistake to consume you?  I can't even remember the number of times I made mistakes, and still make them today.  But I have learned in this last year that failure indeed is NOT final!

It is not final because we had a tribute volunteer to take our failure and nail it to the Cross.  He walked the road to death that we rightfully deserve, and took our place.  He loved us too much to watch us face death.

He also loves us too much to let our failures and past mistakes control our thoughts and future actions. So if you fall down, if you stumble and make mistakes, GET BACK UP.  Your life is not over and God can use those failures and your past to bring healing and encouragement to other people who are where you were.

Use your story, no matter how ugly it is, and always remember this:

 

 

 

Already There

I have started 10 different blog posts, some dating back to Christmas; but it's now February 8th, and I'm not even going to get to any of them tonight.  There is something more pressing on my heart right now.  So everything else will have to wait.

Something happened today that took me back to a place of overwhelming fear.  I've written several posts about fear and how our counselor and church was involved in a "D.I.A." (Do It Again) surrounding my fear.  Since that night, God has broken the spirit of fear that had surrounded my life for thirty years!!

Today, however, was a true test in trusting God for me, when fear overwhelmed me.

I was on the phone with Kris this afternoon, when he asked me to hold on.  He had a text from Katherine (who was already home from school).  This text let Kris know that she heard on the bus that the elementary school that Abbey, Livvy, and Kaleb go to was on lock down.

Wait.

What?!?

LOCK DOWN?

Kris and I said goodbye.  We hung up and I immediately called the school, while Kris sought out more information from Katherine.  The school was vague, which didn't surprise me.  All she would say was that a student from the high school (located on the same property) was being sought by police, and no one was entering or exiting the school.

I called Kris back and let him know what was going on, and he could tell I was upset.  He prayed with me, as I sat in the break room crying.  I went back to my desk and tried to hold it together.  My hands were shaking terribly, my heart was racing, and the anxiety was causing physical turmoil in my chest and stomach.

In the past, I would have started playing the "what if" game, and it wouldn't have stopped until all three of my children were killed in their classrooms, and I was a devastated mother, burying her three youngest babies.  Laugh.  Don't laugh.  This is seriously how my mind would have played it all through.

In the past.

Fear would have buried me alive and I would have had a complete meltdown on the spot.

Not anymore.

God is gracious, and amazing, and faithful!

Instead of letting fear consume me, I prayed fervently that every child and teacher in that school would be safe.  I put my heart and soul into that prayer, and surrendered my fear to God.  My physical symptoms remained (for almost three hours), but I felt a sort of peace about me.  Even though I worried that an armed high school student was in my kids' school, and even though I was afraid for their safety, I trusted God.  I surrendered my fear and the lives of my children to God.

Shortly after 4pm, I received a recorded message that indicated the school had been put on lock down, following proper procedure due to a threat involving a high school student, and that the students would be home 15-20 minutes later than usual-implying the lock down was over.  Kris and I immediately started communicating via chat, and I began praising God that my children were on their way home.  Katherine sent me a chat shortly after and let me know the other kids were safely home; emotions still flooding through me, I took a minute to go out to my van and sob.  I put my head in my hands and weeping, thanked God that the kids were safe, just as fervently as I had prayed earlier for that safety.  While I was doing this, of course I had JoyFM on, and the song "Already There" by Casting Crowns was almost over.

I kept hearing the words "You're already there, You're already there..."  And I just got to thinking about how God was with my children while the school was locked down.  God was with me and the other parents as we worried, not really knowing what was going on at the school.  What struck me in that moment was this:

God wasn't just there while we all worried.  He was ALREADY there!  He had been there the whole time.  It was such a blessing to me and soothed my heart and mind.  Our God is so much bigger than anything we face, and I recognized that I had taken an extremely fearful moment, and surrendered it to God.  And I was able to do that because since BEFORE Good Friday, God has proven over and over again that He was and is ALREADY there.

Daniel Fast - Halfway There

 After a full week and a half on the Daniel Fast, I have to say that it's been a very enlightening experience.  It is nothing like I expected, physically or spiritually.  I thought that perhaps it might be more difficult to give up the food I love and adhere to an extremely strict "diet" but it really hasn't been.

Do I want a huge piece of chocolate cake?

Actually, no.  For whatever reason, now that the sugar is out of my body, I'm not craving it at all.  I saw a candy cane on my end table this morning and thought about what it would be like to eat it, and my mind was screaming at me, "Why on earth would you just put pure sugar in your body like that?"  The thought disgusted me, and I didn't crave or want anything sweet.

Do I want an 8 oz. steak, a grilled chicken breast, or some shrimp linguine from Red Lobster?

Yeah, I kind of do.  I find that instead of the sugar, it's the meat and carbs I miss the most.  The other night, I told Kris he needed to put the one-pouch fettucine alfredo away so that I couldn't see it.  It was really bothering me to have it out in plain sight, tempting me.

But, none of that matters.  Disciplining myself to eat only what is healthy for my body, giving up all the fatty, sugar and carb-filled things I love, has been worth the spiritual gain, ten times over!  While my body feels hungry at times when I haven't eaten, my heart is so full of God's love, and I can FEEL Him.  In me, around me, moving through me.

And such cool things have been happening, with my writing and my relationships with people in general.  A lady emailed me yesterday, and we have been emailing back and forth, sharing our stories and it has been awesome.  We've never met, and likely never will, unless God draws our paths together.  But it has been so uplifting for me, not only to be sought out because she was touched by something I wrote, but also because it has shown me that this woman is already a dear friend to me.  I feel like I could tell her anything and she would understand.  She would know where I'm coming from, pray for me, and just be there. She shared her heart and life with me, a total stranger.  And in turn, I was able to be open and do the same.  It was such a cool experience.

So many women are crying out for help.  They have been hurt.  They're feeling alone, neglected, guilty, ashamed, fearful.  So many broken women.  And God puts in my path another woman, one who wants to start a support group for women whose lives have been affected by sexual addiction.  And I am so grateful to be a part of this group starting on Tuesday, January 22nd.  I've known God was calling me to reach out to other women, share my story, share in their pain and I have been trying to do that through my Loving When It Hurts blog.  And now, He is moving me forward.

He has also placed a heavy calling on my heart to pray for marriages.  In the last week alone He has shown me no fewer than TEN couples that are crying out for help in one way or another.  Marriages already torn apart, those on the brink of divorce, those caught in the middle not knowing what to do, and those healing.  And I find myself excited about this.  I'm excited about prayer for...well...the first time ever. 

It isn't that my eyes haven't been open since Good Friday.  It's that God is showing me, through depriving myself of the food that I love so much, that I can open my eyes wider.  I can see more, and do so much more to be a light to this world that is shrouded in darkness.

I can't even fully express all that God has done in my heart these last 12 days, but it has been amazing and I'm grateful to be a part of such an amazing church.  God definitely had a plan in leading us to The Outpost and I can't wait to see what each new day brings.

The Dreaded *F* Word

Yes.

Today we're going to talk about the *f* word.

That's right.

You read that correctly.

*Fasting*

I know, I know.  I'm just as shocked as you are.

How much do you know about fasting?

And how much of that is true and how much is just some preconceived notion you've had since you were little?

Here are the things I thought about fasting:

You don't get to eat anything.

You have to pray nonstop.

You aren't allowed to tell anyone EVER that you are fasting.

Fasting is something that every "good" Christian is supposed to do, and if you don't do it, or you don't make it the whole way through, you're a failure.

Can anyone relate to those thoughts?

I have always hated fasting.

OK.  Maybe hate is a little strong.

But fasting has always been something I have tried to avoid.  Honestly, I can't remember one time in my life that I have successfully fasted, and I certainly didn't "get it."  What was the big deal?  I never felt more "spiritual."  I never did learn the difference between depriving my body and learning to discipline my body.

I think that because of my incorrect views towards fasting, I have limited my own spiritual growth.  I see this when I watch Katherine, and I listen to her talk about fasting.  She is 12.  TWELVE!  Twelve years old and her heart desires to succeed in the Daniel Fast that our church is participating in.  We aren't required to participate.  Each person can decide for themselves.  Katherine chose to participate in the food portion of the fast.  The other kids have good intentions, but I honestly think that Livvy and Abbey are too immature.

Olivia said she was going to give up playing.  A seven year old little girl is going to stop playing?  She had her doll house, Polly Pockets, Squinkies, Wii and computer on her list of things she would not play.  I think Kris talked her out of her doll house and Polly Pockets, and is trying to help her set a realistic goal.  Because, Olivia being Olivia, found a loop hole.  She didn't put the PS2 on her list, so she decided that it was okay to play.

Abbey chose electronics.  They did this in Sunday school I guess, so we didn't have a chance to really talk to them and help them make a practical decision, should they want to participate.  But later in the afternoon, Abbey wanted to play the PS2 and as parents, we have to decide:  Do we enforce her commitment, or is it between her and God?  Is it a loop hole?  Or is it just because Olivia is making it look tempting?  Kris and I didn't come up with any answers really, but I'm pretty sure that Kris talked to the younger kids, one on one, and they came up with something.  I finally relented and told Kris that I respected him as the spiritual head and would stand behind his decision.  Don't laugh-this is totally true.

Kris and I decided to give the Daniel Fast a try.  I asked him if we (he and I) were even allowed to talk about it at all.  After all, I learned that if you are fasting, you don't tell anyone, ever.  So how, as a couple, can we fast and not talk about it?  The Daniel Fast, for those who don't know, is a limited fast. Some foods are still allowed.  I always loved the story in the Bible where David and his friends are training with the king's men and they ask if they can be fed simple, clean foods, and not what the king wanted them to eat.  That is the principle behind this Daniel Fast.  Eating only vegetables, fruit, "approved" grains, unleavened bread.  No meat.  No dairy.  No beverages aside from water.

I asked Kris if I could write about it, since you aren't supposed to let people know you're fasting.  He gently corrected my misconception.  It was the Pharisees (was it them?) or someone who would fast but walk around talking about how great they were, and how they were depriving their bodies and pretty much better than everyone else.  Talking to people to gain knowledge about the fast and encourage one another is a LOT different than walking around whining about that Little Caesar's pizza commercial I keep seeing and how I can't have it because I'm fasting.  That's the difference.

For the first time in my life, I am willingly participating in this crazy thing called fasting.  My reasons may be different from others.  Some people are fasting from different things.  Some have a list of things/people they are committed to praying for during this time.  For me, I want the growth.  For the first time, I want to grow closer to God and I look forward to each day that I have with Him, and what He will reveal to me.  It's about the spiritual journey.

In the past, I've always been so focused on legalism, the food itself (or lack of), and failure.

Not this time.

I think I finally understand something about fasting that I never did before.

It's meant for my good, not the opposite.

It isn't just about depriving myself of something I love.

It's about that intimacy with our Father, and at this point in my life, I'll take all of that that I can get!  I'm grateful that my church is participating in this and I look forward to where God moves us all through it.

Coincidence?

There is no denying that the pain I have become accustomed to has worsened since I started working.  I was talking to my mom about this last night.  In the last (almost) three months, my pain level has doubled.  It was tolerable, while I was sitting at home doing nothing at all.  Sure, it makes sense now that I think about it.  Doing nothing doesn't put much strain on a person, so while I was still in pain, it was tolerable.  It has become increasingly intolerable and I have been in tears several times in the last couple of weeks, due to either the pain, or frustration at never having a moment without pain.

So, I think it is no coincidence that now that I am out and working, and interacting with human beings again, that I am in so much pain.  Yesterday proved to be the end of what I could tolerate.  I was stirring melted chocolate, making amaretto fudge for our work "End of the World Gorging Party."  When switching to my right hand, I felt something "slip" in the middle of my back, on the right.  It felt about the same as the time I was reaching for sour cream and likely ruptured the lowest disc in my back, ending up in the ER and down for several days recovering.  This time though, the pain was a lot higher. 

I doubled over in pain, and it hurt to breathe for a few minutes.  Once the pain breathing in subsided, I leaned back up to what I was doing and painfully finished the fudge.  With my left hand.  My right side under my shoulder hurt to bad, plus I'm left-handed anyway...

The pain didn't lessen as I went about work.  I had called the pain management doctor the day before because I was so miserable, and then I do something WORSE!  Just by stirring a little melted chocolate.  Seriously!  Who hurts themselves stirring chocolate?

So, in the midst of all of this, the pain management office called me back.  My doctor doesn't want to prescribe me any pain medication without seeing me, since he hasn't seen me since June.  Understandable, yes.  But the earliest appointment I could get to see him was January 17.  I took the appointment of course, and made arrangement to come in to work late that day, but I was holding back tears at work, trying not to think about it all.  Then you add the nagging, increasing pain in the middle of my back (which was also moving across towards the front of my upper abdomen) and I was a mess.  I yelled at Kris as I was driving back from the chiropractor (I had gotten them to see me last minute over my lunch break).  I was so miserable but fortunately, he is a loving and patient man, and he recognized that it was just the pain talking.  I was crying on the phone, driving and in pain.  We talked about whether or not I should go to the ER after work and have him meet me there. 

I was hesitant because I knew Kris wanted a night at home.  And so did I.  We have been going like crazy, and squeezing in trips to the YMCA, which have been great-I'm swimming and trying to strengthen my shoulders.  But the kids are exhausted from too many late nights and early mornings for school.  So, knowing that it would be another late night, as I drove back to work, I decided that I was not going to go to the ER at 7:30 at night and ruin the night for everyone, including my mother-in-law, who would be the one to have to watch the kids.

Well, when I got back to work just before 4:30, I noticed that there were NO cars in the parking lot.  I was really confused.  The building was dark and I thought that maybe the rapture had come, and I wasn't ready...

I saw a coworker at the side door and asked her what had happened.  The power had gone out, and not just in our building.  I think the crazy 75 mph wind must have knocked something down.  No one could work, so they sent everyone home.  They didn't tell us until today that no one would get paid for the hours unworked-which really sucks for those of us who work until 7pm.  But...while we were told we could make it up today and today only, I am NOT staying at work until 10pm!

Anyway...I thought that not being able to work any more for the day was a good sign that I should just go ahead and go to the ER.  So, I drove myself to MO Bap and got checked in.  Kris made arrangements for his mom to watch the kids, and drop him off there so that he could drive me home without having to leave a van at the hospital.

Each doctor or nurse I talked to kept asking very specific questions about my pain, my Factor V Leiden, my breathing (which was fine at that point, except every now and then).  I didn't think much of it, beyond that it seemed unlike my previous ER visits for pain.  Normally, they hook me up to an IV, give me something to relieve the pain, take xrays, put me in a room and tell me it's just muscle spasms.  For the record, "just muscle spasms" are a whole lot worse than the ER doctors seem to think.  Unless they've had that kind of pain screaming through their bodies, they should just assume it's horrible, not act as if it's no big deal and you're just some junkie looking for a quick fix.  The truth is, when the pain is that bad, I AM looking for a quick fix.  One or two hours of relief are better than the months I spent trying to tolerate and live with the pain.  There is always a worry that when I do break down and go to the ER, about three times a year, I will get a doctor who thinks I'm just making stuff up to get medication.  I don't take something that I do not think I need.  I do not take medicine just to take it.  If I don't need it, I don't take it.  But, I digress...

So they were asking me more questions than usual, and I did think that maybe they weren't going to help me.  Especially when they gave me a Vicodin to take, instead of hooking me up to an IV.  The pill did nothing for the pain.  When they asked me an hour later, I told them as much.  The nurse said she would see if she could get something else to help ease the pain.  They took me for a chest xray, which I thought was odd, since the pain was primarily in my upper back.  I've always considered my chest to be...well...my chest...in the front...

Kris arrived shortly before the doctor came in.  He was very nice and asked me about the Factor V Leiden (a blood clotting disorder we discovered when I was 19) and whether I was taking any blood thinners or if I had travled recently.  I told him I had been lax on taking my baby aspirin a day, and that we had just come back from Indiana.

He went on to tell me that he wanted to do a CT scan. 

Wait.

What?

This is NOT what they normally do when I have pain...

I asked him why they needed to do that.  He said that they needed to check to see if I had thrown a clot to my lungs!  I was in shock.  Here I thought I had pulled a muscle or something stirring chocolate, and yet all my symptoms pointed to a blood clot in my lungs!  It was a little disconcerting.  The CT scan went quickly and they got blood work, in addition to putting Toradol in an IV.  It helped by 1-2 degrees.

The doctor came back about an hour later and told us that he was able to rule out a blood clot.  Well, that's basically what he said.  He said the CT scan machines are very accurate, but there is a 2%ish chance that a clot could have been missed.  So he told me to err on the side of caution and come back if I was feeling even a little bad.  He said he'd rather have me come in 5 times and rule out a clot in my lungs each time than miss it.  I was very impressed with the competency of this doctor and the hospital in general.  I was also glad to know what signs could indicate a clot in the lungs, for future reference, should I ever need to know.  With Factor V Leiden, there is no way of knowing if you will get a clot, or how many, or anything really...you forget you have it until something like this happens.

All in all, I am blessed.  That has not changed.  I left with some pain medication and Toradol to take for a few days, and a diagnosis of Pluerisy.  It's basically inflammation in the lining of the lungs.  It can cause chest pain, and some people feel it in their shoulder...so while I didn't feel it in what I consider to be my chest, I did feel it underneath my shoulder on the right side, on what I consider to be my back, not my chest.  And it could be due to a viral infection, but the doctor was clear that if my pain increases or I don't get better, I need to come back to check again for clots.

I've gone on long enough.  I cannot wait to share with you what we are doing for Christmas.  We got pretty creative and I am both excited and proud of us.  But I can't tell you just yet, on the off chance any of my kids read this and find out!  Merry Christmas everyone!  I've missed you all and I will get back to writing regularly again.
 

NaNoWriMo Winner

Well, my first ever novel just hit its climax and I can happily say that I am a 2012 NaNoWriMo winner!  I finally have a real title for my novel, and a short synopsis.  I'm pretty excited about it, even though it took a turn I never would have expected.  Livvy threw up at school yesterday, and so I took advantage of the fact that my boss let me off work today to stay home with her (that lame 24 hour rule...) and I hit 50,000 words.  I actually exceeded it, as the picture below will show.

I'll say this.  For years, I have wanted to be a writer.  I've had grand dreams of actually writing a book some day.  I always imagined it would be non-fiction, believing that real life was all I knew how to write.  Until I decided on November 1st to try to write a novel in a month, I never knew I had it in me to write a fictional book.

Now, 28 days later, I am almost done!  Granted, there is still writing the ending, editing the entire thing, and a lot of work soliciting editors if I actually want to get it published someday.  But I have a HUGE start!  I am excited and proud of myself for sticking with it.

This entire process has been eye-opening.  I have ideas for two other novels, and want to finish this one and start another!  But, one book at a time.  I'm thankful that I hit the NaNo goal of 50,000 words within the 30 days allotted and can't wait for Camp NaNoWriMo to start the second novel.

So, all of that to share with you my novel's name (which I finally decided on today) and the synopsis I wrote for it.  Let me know what you think.

Would you be enticed to read it?

The title of the book is "Saving Jacob."  Here is the synopsis:

"Tragedy is no stranger to Jacob Sullivan.  Loss has been his constant companion.  When his wife Hannah dies suddenly, leaving him alone to raise their five year old daughter Lily, surviving may prove to be too much for Jacob.  As he embraces the darkness of pain and grief, a battle rages around him.  The discovery of a sword, purchased by Hannah Sullivan over eight years before Lily's birth, will change everything.  Will Lily have the strength needed to fight?  Can she save Jacob before it is too late?"