Starting Over

Two weeks ago tonight my life changed drastically. Most people didn't notice the change or don't know the details, because well quite frankly, it's my story to tell if and when I'm ready. I know that those of you who stalk me on Facebook have seen some crazy up and down posts for the last two weeks. Not to worry. My life is stabilizing. At least...that's what I'm aiming for.

Someday I'll write a book about everything that has encompassed the last 13 years of my life, but tonight is not that night and my blog isn't going to be the place I do that. All I want to say here is that I'm starting over. It would take months at least for me to write my whole life story and even longer for you to read it. But I'm 33 years old and recognize that I need to start over. As a wife. As a mom. As a woman of God (I'm not sure I ever really figured out how to begin that journey yet).

My husband and I watched Fireproof tonight. It isn't the first time that we have seen the movie but a song on there really struck me. I have heard it before but it never really hit me so hard in the gut before. So I just wanted to share that tonight. It's called Slow Fade by Casting Crowns. The video is moving, to be sure, but the lyrics just really cut to my heart and speak volumes. This song puts it into words better than I ever could begin to.



Slow Fade - Casting Crowns


Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray 
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray 
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Let the pieces fall where they may

A choice has been made. There is no going back now. I woke up this morning with a clarity I haven't felt in a long time. I don't know how many people are out there praying for me, but I think God has been listening. I know what I want and where I want to be. I don't know what awaits me on the other side, but I have a glimmer of hope that it will be filled with blessings and love. And so I am at the proverbial fork in the road, and I've made my choice. I'll admit. I'm terrified. Big life changes are always scary. The funny thing is, that this "big life change" will be seen by practically no one. But that isn't what matters. What matters is that I am choosing to embrace that change. No matter how emotional or scary it is. And in the end, it will mean a much stable life with my husband and kids. I didn't think I could do it two days ago. Now I know that I can. With support of close family and friends that know the specifics, I think I can do it and come through it resilient. At least, I hope that I can.

Meet Jamie

Hi! For those of you who don't remember me, my name is Jamie and, as you can clearly see, I have neglected my blog. For almost an entire month. I am ashamed.

It's funny how people that know me can gauge where I'm at mentally or emotionally simply by the lag in my blog or the infrequent Facebook status updates. When I'm feeling pretty good (and not swamped with, well, life), I tend to be on Facebook a lot and write more. So, I guess you could say that this isn't one of those times in my life.

This is a very interesting time in my life. Pivotal really. More pivotal than the last pivotal time of pivoting. :) I'm 33 years old and I don't know who I am. I know several things about myself. I have a husband that loves me for reasons I am not sure I will ever fully understand. I have four amazing children, one of which who prayed the other night that God would show me that I'm a good mommy. And that's just the prayer I know about. I know the others are praying for me too. I have two parents who I know pray for me and my family daily, and I really appreciate this about them. I have a job teaching Spanish now at the kids' school, I have my Little Bishop Creations business that I am trying to put into motion to make up some of our lost income and I have my night job, which I have been neglecting lately. But even though I know those things, I don't really know who I am. Or what I am doing with my life.

There has been a battle going on in my head and in my heart for a very long time. And it seems to all be coming to a head and I'm at a point in my life where I have to answer some serious life questions. Not out loud or to anyone else. But to myself. For myself. I've been avoiding this blog. Not always intentionally, but I think that on some level I knew that if I sat down and started writing, this is what it would look like. And I guess I just didn't want to. To admit that I have made a lot of mistakes. To admit that I am not the wife and mother I SHOULD be, let alone the one I want to be.

I started this over an hour ago and am just exhausted. I know it's only half of a post, but it is what it is.

Empty ketchup bottle

My kids have spent the last 10 minutes trying to squeeze ketchup out of the bottle. It's extremely annoying. I'm having a rough time tonight. I had a busy week trying to make headbands for my new business Little Bishop Creations. Then, I had my first Spanish Enrichment class, which went pretty well. 7 students, plus my own in there. But I am switching the day to Tuesdays, since I am already at school that day teaching middle schoolers. The teaching is going well. A friend asked me the other day how it was that I was tolerating teaching. But the thing is, I really love it. I don't know if it's the subject, the students, getting out of the house. I'm not sure what it is but I really love teaching Spanish. Even with my dislike of people and kids in general, I am really having a good time.

It's now the weekend and all I hear is "Can I play the computer?" That is probably one of my LEAST favorite questions! It makes me want to tell them "NO. You can never play on the computer again!" Yes, dramtic, I know. But I'm feeling very drama queen-ish tonight.

We have two basketball games tomorrow and then we are going to a movie night (Courageous) at the church we used to attend. I'm looking forward to seeing the movie. Or at least...I feel like I SHOULD be looking forward to it. Right now, I don't really care about anything.

Hoping a good night's sleep will help that. Sigh...I need to shake this off...

Empty bottle=no ruining the couch

Let's see if I can manage to stay awake during this post.  My carbonated beverage is empty, so no worries about spilling it all over the couch.

I'm now up to 3 Spanish classes.  Middle school on Tues/Thurs and then enrichment for K-2nd grade on Mondays, though there is a 4 year old in there that I should have put my foot down on (not literally down on the child) and said no.  The class is just too above her age level.  But I'll deal with it.  Katherine is going to be her helper and take her under her wing for me.

Tomorrow is a free day, for the most part.  In the last 2 days, I have made almost 30 headbands.  Please please go to my Little Bishop Creations page and check it out and "like" it!  Pretty please?  100 "likes" and I'll give away a free headband.  I've been really busy filling orders and having a lot of fun with these.  It's so fun for me and rewarding to see the girls at school wearing them!  I just need to expand my customer base.  Anyone willing to direct your family and friends to Little Bishop Creations?  I'd really REALLY appreciate it!

Spanish is going so great!  I am loving just about every minute of it!  I can't imagine anything else I'd rather be doing.  A few people have mentioned subbing to me, and I am giving that some thought as well.  I have an Associates Degree so I should have enough college hours for it.  Anything I can do to bring in extra income right now would be extremely helpful.

The biggest change perhaps is that next Monday, after 5+ years, Abbey will finally "graduate" from Speech Therapy!  This is kind of a big deal!  It's awesome for her because she has excelled and is doing so well.  It's also selfishly great for me, because it's no more 5:30-6pm therapy sessions on Monday and Wednesday!!  SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT!

My medicine has already kicked in for the night so I feel I should go before I start typing gibberish!  Tomorrow is Wednesday and aside from making headbands, I have nothing else planned.  Looking forward to it!

We're all grown up

Kris and I bought a new couch.  It's the first couch we have paid for with our own money (technically the insurance company paid for it).  I'm really liking it so far.  And Kris thought we should maybe forbid the children to sit on it.  You know, to protect it.  Little did he know, it wasn't the kids that the couch should be saved from.  Apparently it's me!  I know...shocking, right?

So, here it is.  BEFORE I inducted it into the mess that is our life.

So, I've had this cold/sinus infection for the last few days.  Night before last, I advised my dear husband that I was taking Nyquil, along with my normal meds.  I also gave myself a treat, a sweet Pineapple treat.  Kris was WELL aware of this.  I made it clear that he would need to watch me, implying that he should make sure I got to bed OK.

So, I set about to blogging about my newest business venture assuming that he would take care of me.  He asked me if I was coming to bed.  I told him I just wanted to finish the blog post.  He was playing a game on his phone.

HERE IS WHAT I REMEMBER.

I had my Pineapple goodness in my hand, in bottle form.  I remember dozing off and the bottle tipping onto the arm of the couch.  But I wasn't coherent enough to get up and put myself in bed, until the SECOND time I tipped the bottle, this time onto my arm, down my side and onto the seat of the couch.  At that point, I was able to pry my medicated eyes open and look at the clock.  11PM.  I assessed the situation, in some kind of a stupor, and managed to put my still 1/4 of the way full bottle of Pineapple water down safely.  I remember having taken only a few sips of it before I dozed off.  I remember feeling the couching and hoping it was just a dream.  I remember changing my clothes, since the entire sleeve of the jacket I was wearing was drenched.  I remember crawling into bed and having some sort of conversation with Kris, though it is muddled in my head. And then I was out.  When I woke up, I hoped it was all a dream.

In the morning, I asked Kris if he thought it had really happened and he told me he heard something spilling. Then he smelled the couch.  Sure enough... tell tell signs of pineapple essence.  It was NOT a dream.  Sadly.  The couch needs protection from me.  And I blame Kris for not coming to get me and take me to bed.  He said he heard me snoring and thought I just wanted to sleep out there.  I countered with my telling him I was coming to bed and turning my mattress pad on so I could get into a warm bed.  So you see, it's all his fault.

Anyway, I can't be trusted.  Nyquil mixed with my normal meds and what, three small drinks of my smirnoff and I am a mess.  And I make a mess.  And I can't be trusted.  I'm sure it would have been amusing.  What Kris should have done was got out of bed and video'd it, then sent it to America's Funniest Home videos.  Maybe we can get some money out of my crazy!

Say what?

This once a week or less of sitting down to write is lame.  Today I have pictures for you.  And I know it probably crosses a line somewhere between inappropriate and WAY inappropriate, but I just couldn't NOT show you.

I was at the grocery store the other day.  I don't usually buy ice cream, but for whatever reason, I do always gaze longingly and look at the different flavors of ice cream.  Unless it's Edy's Peppermint, I usually don't even eat ice cream.  And yet I still peruse the selection at the store.  OCD quirk maybe?  So I am walking down the aisle, scanning the shelves as usual and my eyes land on this.

Am I the only one who didn't immediately think of something else that you can also find at the grocery store, with the same name???  Probably...

Is it just me?  Seriously.  You can be honest...

New Year's Resolution

I am SO glad that I did NOT make a new year's resolution to blog more.  I would have totally failed.  Though some of you may be rejoicing!

A lot has happened.

I'm now a Spanish teacher.  It was quite sudden.  I've had two classes so far and have my third tomorrow.  I am VERY excited about this and it's been so fun to get back into the language again.  Makes me remember how much I loved it!  The kids seem to be taking well to me; at least, that is my perception.  I could be totally off base and they could think I'm a raving lunatic!  But I'll continue to live in the world I've built in my head.  It's quite lovely there.  When it isn't crazy or scary.  I teach middle school kids on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon.  Starting next week, I'll add enrichment classes on Monday (K-2nd) and Thursday (3rd-5th).  It feels SO good to be doing something productive again!  Outside of the house.  I think it'll be the boost I need to bring in some money in some other areas of my life.  The best thing is that I am teaching at my kids' school and they will be able to take the classes too.  They have been wanting me to teach them Spanish for YEARS and while I am nowhere NEAR fluent, I know enough to teach those who have little to no knowledge of the language.  I'm hoping that next semester I can add a third day in for enrichment, for those who took the intro class the first 6 weeks, should they want to continue and learn more.

Little Bishop Creations is still going strong!  I've completed my first two orders, and will complete the next two tomorrow.  You have two more days to take advantage of my buy 2, get 1 free sale, combined with the discounted price of $6/kid and $8/adult.  Starting January 21, they will still be discounted, but not buy 2 get 1 free.  On February 1, the prices will go up to their original starting price, which is $8/kid and $10/adult.  I do know that if you are interested in Valentine's Day headbands, those will be on sale between January 21 and February 10.  I cannot wait to find a salon or shop to put these in and hopefully get some more exposure!  Please go like my page on Facebook so that I can get to 100 and give away a free headband!

A new endeavor-Little Bishop Creations

Just in time for a new year, I have officially launched Little Bishop Creations.  It's on both Etsy and Facebook, and will be a way for me to hopefully bring in some extra income while I am currently unemployed.  The bills are piling, the debt is climbing and I feel like I need to do something to help.  Hopefully this can be something that can expand into something really great for our family, and anyone who supports it. Please go to Facebook and like Little Bishop Creations.  I'll post new items, new patterns, sales, etc...there.  I am still trying to learn my way around Etsy, so bear with me on that!  The headbands are my focus right now, but I am not limited to headbands.  I do tag blankets that work great for teething babies and general carrying around (they're smaller and easier to transport with the little one).  I also do make quilts, but I will tell you that these are time consuming, and due to my anal meticulous nature, I try to make them PERFECT, so those are not cheap but if it is something you are interested in, let me know.

NO SLIP Headbands will sell for $8 (kids) or $10 (adults) starting February 1.  For now, to start out the new year right, all headbands will be $6 or $8 (respectively) and if you buy 2, you will get 1 for FREE.  I'll run different specials each month.  Towards the end of the month, I'll have headbands that will be perfect for Valentine's Day, so check back in on Facebook for those!

If you live out of state, shipping will range between $1-2.  Orders of 10 headbands or more (think sports teams) will be discounted to $5/each.

Once I get to 100 likes on Facebook, I'll give away a headband to the 100th like! If you are interested in working with me to promote a giveaway on your blog, please contact me directly. A blog specifically for Little Bishop Creations will be up and running in a couple of days.

On another note, can you believe this is my last post for 2011?  Hopefully I'll start the year out right with a new post tomorrow.

Don't hold your breath!!

I'm gonna be ugly!

My brother has an aging booth app on his iPhone and I let him take a picture to see what I might look like on 20-30 years. Kris obliged too. Here are the results.

Back to The Cutting Edge

It was past time to have my hair done again.  I still love The Cutting Edge Salon and think that what they do is pure art. Here is what they did for me. No cut this time, just color.
I love it!!

Huh?

I posted this on Facebook last week. This picture disturbed me. Obviously it was intended for those who love to hunt? I think? I don't know. It just didn't logically make sense to me though. Why have a decal of a deer's head and then the body of a woman? What does it mean?

Who is Santa anyway?

Each year for the last several years, either my dad or one of my uncles would dress up as Santa for our extended family Christmas get together. This year, (after celebrating with my dad's side of the family which included at least 40+ people with kids) we went back to my parents' house with just my brothers, sister, and all the cousins (our 9 kids). Kris read from Luke 2, as is tradition in our family and kept the kids occupied, while my dad dressed up as Santa.

As soon as he came in, Abbey and Kaleb, amidst the adults saying "Look, Santa's here!" began shouting "Hi Pappaw!!"  Kris and I immediately silenced them, as Olivia and my niece Sophia still believe in Santa.  We explained to them that even though they knew it was Pappaw (my dad), they needed to go along with the magic of Santa for the little ones.  They understood and Santa handed out presents to all 9 grandkids.  As Santa was leaving, Sophia (three) wanted to tell Santa goodbye.  She ran up to him and he picked her up and hugged her, and held her for a few minutes.  Then my mom, wanting to get a picture, said "Turn this way Pappaw."  We all just kind of looked at each other and started laughing and I was like "Why did I just yell at my kids for outing Santa when my mom just gave the secret away?"  

Yesterday I had the privilege of having lunch with an old friend, one that is very special to me.  His name is Chad.  We've been through a lot over the last two+ decades and have had long intervals of not communicating, primarily due to just life in general.  But yesterday, it just so happened that we were in the same place at the same time, and it worked out that we were able to have lunch.  It was really great.  We got to talk and laugh and he got to meet the crazies my kids.  I was a little sad when the visit had to end and we had to drive back home but was very grateful we had the time and opportunity to meet up after all these years.

While we were having lunch, we were talking to Olivia about Santa.  I asked her if she believed in Santa Claus.  She said she did.  She also said that she knew that Pappaw was Santa.  I said "Who told you that?"  She pointed at Abbey or Kaleb.  And so I asked her if Pappaw was going to bring her presents this year on Christmas and she said yes.  I asked how he was going to get there and she said he would drive his car.  I said "Is he going to fly with his reindeer?"  She looked at me (like "seriously mom?") and said "NO! There's no such thing as reindeer."  We continued questioning her, because the conversation was slowly unfolding into something that we all found very amusing.  We asked her "Well, what about your friends? Who is going to bring them presents?"  She replied "Pappaw."  Wait..."Olivia, Pappaw is THE Santa Claus?"  She nodded her head.  I asked her if she was going to tell her friends that my dad was Santa Claus and she said "No.  It's a family secret!"

So...in case you didn't know, my dad is Santa Claus.  Livvy said so.

Christmas in Indiana

We spent the weekend in Indiana, celebrating Christmas with my family. We had a good time. It was a short trip but was a lot of fun. The kids got to see their cousins, which is always great!
While waiting for my parents to get home from church, we let the kids play outside. Livvy, as some of you know, is highly allergic to cats. And my mom has a cat that was coming near her, so she took off running. Next thing I know, I see her defensively coming back towards the cat like this! It was hilarious! *knife is plastic PETA*

No slip headbands

I stumbled across these at a vendor event over the weekend and determined to learn how to make them. Kat wanted them for her whole basketball team. I've made a total of 13 since yesterday.

If I were selling these...

My next goal is to figure exact measurements for babies and toddlers. I have measurements for young girls and adults.

Of the many features...they don't move (velvet ribbon is used to keep them in place)! No headaches or pain behind/on/around the ears. And as Abbey says "They don't hurt when I have my glasses on!" It's true. I tested it. That's one thing I always hated about headbands when I had my glasses on.

What's not to love? So quick and easy to make, and a lot cheaper! I'll never buy another headband again.

The 5 Senses

We have five main sense.  In case you didn't know.  It's been so long since I learned about them, I had to clarify what they were Tuesday night at community group.  They are, in case you can't remember: Taste, Smell, Touch, Sight, Hearing.  We always have an ice breaker question each week and this week the question was "If you had to lose one of your senses, which would it be?"

Initially it seemed like an easy question to answer.  But as we delved in, suddenly, it turned into a 20 minute conversation about why each sense was necessary and what you would miss out on if you were deprived of one.

Here is how it broke down for me (and about half of the rest of the group):

Sight - NO WAY.  I think that it would be incredibly difficult to be blind.  So many things you couldn't do.  Like drive.  Or watch Psych.  Or Big Bang Theory.  Or New Girl.  Or Raising Hope.  As well as other important things, like seeing the looks on people's faces, the glimpse of a newborn baby, a baptism, a sunset or sunrise, etc...

Hearing - Music is way too much a part of my life for me to give up my hearing without a fight.  While there are some days I wish I couldn't hear my kids fight, there are other things that I NEED to hear.  Like Christmas music.  Or my favorite songs in general.  Or the laughter of a child.  It would exclude me from having to talk on the phone, which would be excellent, but there are too many other down sides.

Touch - At first, I thought this would be my choice.  I started thinking about all the times I am annoyed by my kids rubbing against my arm or tugging on my hand or just in general touching me and annoying me.  Or other people sitting next to me, too close.  Or hugging.  In that regard, it would be awesome to lose my sense of touch.  HOWEVER...I would miss the touch of a baby's skin.  I'd miss the feeling of my children's little arms wrapped tightly around my neck, or their kisses on my cheek.  I'd become a danger to myself and likely cut my fingers off while I was cooking, or bump into everything and fall down steps or have trouble driving because I can't feel my foot to push down on the accelerator, or worse, the brakes!  And while we'll keep this family friendly still, I'll say too that I would miss the "other" kind of touching.  The kind I DO like.  The kind that makes babies.  Adults, are you with me here?  I don't think that I could give that up.  Maybe in another 20 years...maybe.  But not right now.

Now it comes down to taste or smell.  These were the hardest to decide between.  On the one hand, if you can't smell the food but can still taste it, you can still enjoy all the foods you love.  On the other hand, I can't imagine never smelling bacon again.  In some ways, I think that might be worse than not TASTING bacon again.  Additionally, if you lose your sense of taste, but can still smell, wouldn't it stand to reason that your cravings for foods would lessen?  Your tongue wouldn't salivate like it does when you think of your favorite foods.  Ultimately, it would be the perfect weight loss program.  You can keep your sense of smell, enjoy the scents, but not be tempted to eat those things that are so bad for you, because you can't taste them anyway.

So ultimately, once we talked it all through, for me, I'd have to choose my sense of taste.  #1.  I need to lose weight.  #2.  I'd rather smell the foods that I love so much than eat them, because without being able to taste them, I wouldn't be as drawn to them as I am.  Things like bacon, chocolate chip cookies, anything sweet, biscuits and gravy, steak, pork chops, etc...

And not related to food, I would totally miss smelling my Autumn Walk and Holiday Wreath candles.  I might die if I couldn't smell them again!  I'm the kind of person that will open up a candle, or garlic-infused canola oil or spices/seasonings, just to smell them.  It does eventually all come back to food for me, doesn't it?

So what about you?  What sense would you choose to give up if you were forced to?

16 lbs is not less than 10 lbs

You know, it's really hard to think about how much something weighs.  Specifically when you have a restriction put on you, regarding how much you can lift.  For the next 3 weeks, I can't lift anything over 10 lbs.  I found out why yesterday.  I went to the grocery store for the first time since the big "H" surgery.  I had no problem when I was getting groceries.  It was when I went out to the van to load them that it didn't occur to me that lifting two gallons of milk (one in each hand) was a BAD idea.  If one gallon of milk weighs 8 lbs, that means that I actually lifted 16 lbs.  And let me just tell you, I felt it immediately.  You know how people who have lost a limb have phantom pain?  I'm pretty sure I experienced pain in my missing uterus.  No joke.  Lesson learned.  But it's really hard to determine how much something weighs...now I'm measuring everything based off of how a full gallon of milk feels.  I'll be glad when that part is over.  Also, laughing causes these phantom pains as well.  Beyond that, I'm feeling pretty good.

How many of you get out of making Thanksgiving dinner this year?  I've been making Thanksgiving dinner every year for quite a while now.  My mother-in-law, her husband, and my brother-in-law will be joining us, as they do every year.  Sadly my sister, who usually joins us, is unable to make it in, so I'll be left all alone on Black Friday and will most likely spend my time AWAY from the crowds, shopping online.  Or sleeping.  Or both. We usually go to the casino together too, so maybe I'll have to take my $ and what she would have taken and go alone there too.  ;-)

I'm staying pretty low key with the food this year.  Originally (as of two days ago) I was going to make three new recipes, in addition to the usual.  As I was at the grocery store, I immediately chucked all three recipes from my list and picked up boxed mashed potatoes (the horror!) and went back to desserts I was familiar with (pecan pie, Paula Dean's Pumpkin Gooey Butter Cake, and Kraft's Double Layer Pumpkin Pie).  So, beyond that...green bean casserole, my favorite homemade mac 'n cheese EVER (recipe below), turkey (duh!), boxed stuffing, boxed mashed potatoes, and of course, corn for Abbey.  See below-I can't NOT make it.

That girls loves corn!

Oh and homemade bread from my bread machine.

So, if you want to wow the family this year, if you're doing the cooking, do everyone a favor and make this version of mac 'n cheese:

1 cup macaroni (cooked and drained)
1 cup sour cream
1 cup cottage cheese
1 cup Velveeta (cut into pieces)
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
2 eggs

If you are not doubling this recipe, use a square baker.  If you are doubling, like I ALWAYS do, use a 13x9 pan.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Butter your pan (or spray with cooking spray).  In the pan, "whisk" the eggs together. Basically, just mix up the yolk and the whites just enough so it's all...well, mixed up.  Add the sour cream, cottage cheese, cheeses and cooked macaroni and mix until combined.  Bake at 350 for 30 minutes, or until cheese is slightly browned and bubbly.

Best. Ever.

They took my uterus!

So many things have happened in the last couple of weeks.  Let's see, after the needle through the finger debacle, I had out patient surgery to remove a sebaceous cyst from my chest.  It was basically a large mass of oil build up that had become infected.  Nothing cancerous or anything.  I will say that it HURT after for almost a week and it was in a most inconvenient place.  My friends on Facebook didn't really like that I chose to post a picture of it, so I won't torture you with it now.  Fortunately for them, I spared them the picture of my uterus, which was my next surgery.

Last Tuesday, I had a hysterectomy.  Just the uterus and cervix were removed...so I still have my ovaries (which I swear hurt)...so NO, I am not on hormone replacement therapy.  I'll still go through the horrors that are PMS each month, until my body naturally decides to go through menopause, at which point I am praying they have some faux estrogen filled medication I can take that doesn't cause blood clots,  Because otherwise, I may have to seclude myself during the entire menopausal phase of my life.  For the protection of everyone around me.

So, I'm taking it easy.  Can't lift anything over 10 lbs for four weeks.  Kris isn't too happy I moved my empty bread machine the other day.  He seems to think that it weighs more than 10 lbs, but it didn't FEEL too heavy to me when I moved it.  My ob/gyn told me that a gallon of milk weighs 8 lbs.  Can you believe that?  One of his patients told him that, and he didn't believe them, so he went home and weighed a gallon of milk.  Sure enough, 8 lbs.  I made 4 qts of koolaid today and moved that to the fridge.  When I told Kris it seemed heavier than a gallon of milk, he frowned at me and seems to think that it weighed OVER ten lbs. I'm having him weigh it now...

And the answer is...

10.4 lbs.

Well...it seems that it wasn't TOO much over.  Though Kris still contends that .4 lbs is still TOO much over 10 lbs.  Whatever...

Just a few more weeks and my stitches should be all healed up and I can start lifting whatever I want without thought.  I will say, I catch myself starting to pick something up and then think "Wait...there's no way that's less than 10 lbs."  Laundry baskets, for instance.  Thank goodness I don't do laundry anyway!  It's great to have kids old and strong enough to switch loads!  And fold and hang their own clothes. That is pretty awesome!  One of the benefits of them growing up.

I can drive whenever I want, which is nice...so long as I am not on any narcotics.  Fortunately, the pain isn't bad enough for me to need the prescribed narcotics so those are being saved for special occasions.  Like Thanksgiving day after I've done all the cooking and my back is killing me.

Don't touch my cup!

We went to a Thanksgiving dinner at our old church tonight, and at the end, I was fully engaged in conversation with my friend Tara.  I mean...we're talking, completely absorbed.  She's actually quite delightful and we were discussing the wonderful joys of being perfect mothers, with perfect children, which we both have and are.  It was very intense.

So as we are talking, out of the blue, Tara inexplicably reaches for my 52 oz refill cup from QuikTrip.  And you could say that I "kind of" FREAKED OUT.

You know that expression "A picture is worth a thousand words?"  I can guarantee that if Tara could have taken my picture in that moment when I THOUGHT she was stealing my cup as she gathered up TRASH to throw away, it would have been quite the sight.  She could likely make good money off of that picture!  From my point of view, she was trying to pick up last remnants of trash from the table to throw it away.  Never mind that the other object she picked up was a game one of my kids had left at the table.

All I knew is that she was trying to take my cup.  No one takes my refill cup.  That's mine.  For refills.

The reality is that someone was trying to remove the tablecloth and Tara was merely trying to PICK UP my items and then was planning to put them back down once the tablecloth was removed (or so she would have me believe).

She described the look on my face as a "look of horror" as she reached for my QT cup.  Honestly...I WAS freaking out a bit.  Why on earth was she taking my QT cup to the trash???  It only took moments for all of this to occur and once we both realized what had transpired...it became extremely hilarious.  I'll admit...my response was a *little* extreme.  I take my tea very seriously.  Or rather, my refill cups.  Nobody touches my refill cups.  Apparently.  I had no idea I was as attached to that empty cup as I was.  I think I might have a problem...

Tara, feel free to explain the scenario from your point of view!

Jobless and still not writing

I really thought that once I wasn't working, I'd blog every day.  I mean...I am SO interesting.  Who wouldn't want to read this EVERY day??

Almost 3 months later, and I seem to be blogging LESS.  The only thing I have consistently done is cook dinner.  Sure, we've had a couple cereal or Eggo waffle nights, but I've done some serious cooking and baking over the last 2 1/2 months...and because I'm also not eating out all the time, I've been losing weight too, a little at a time.

So much is going on...little things and big things.  Doctor appointments about. Now, I have to find an orthopedic surgeon to take Abbey to because, for the second time in her life, she has a broken collarbone.  Same side, same place.

Poor girl!  I wish I could find the picture of her in her Snoopy sling from when she was just a toddler with  a broken collarbone.  It was pathetic and cute at the same time.  

Halloween has come and gone.  Kaleb has found his new passion - film making.  A friend of ours has been helping him, and after our participation in the National Film Challenge a couple of weeks ago, Kaleb has really taken an interest.  I still don't know if I can give out the link for you to see the film we were a part of, but as soon as I have permission, I'll put a link on here for "Dinner Time".  I'm in it, along with Katherine and Kaleb.  Now Kaleb is almost done "filming" scenes to begin editing for his own first movie, called "Halloween Wishes", which I also had to be in.  At least the roles I get cast for are true to who I am...a mean, sarcastic mother.

Kris and I will be attending the "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference in STL this weekend.  I'm sure it will be good for us.  Things like this make me nervous though.  Conference, retreat...those words evoke panic in me...because I envision large crowds of people I don't know, sitting way too close to me.

ADHD

Over the last 6 months, my son's behavior has been getting more and more out of control.  After a very informative parent/teacher conference last week, I finally broke down and called a psychiatrist.  Not to medicate my son, but to get somewhere.  It's more than I can take, on an almost daily basis.  We went to see the Dr. on Tuesday.  Fortunately, my worries were unfounded and they did not immediately just decide to medicate my son.  It is something I want to avoid if possible.  I filled out about a million forms and answered many questions, some on my own and some with Kaleb's help.  I had to fill out a bipolar assessment as well and then the Dr. referred us to a therapist to talk more and try to see what is going on.  So I set that appointment up.  The Dr. mentioned two things.  Bipolar disorder and ADHD.  Then he sent me on my way, with a pamphlet on ADHD.

So...to humor him, I am reading through the pamphlet, even though I have no doubts that my son DOES NOT have ADHD.  As I read through it, I am more and more convinced.  Here are some of the indicators that stood out to me...primarily because they do not describe my son in ANY way.

There are three groups of behavior symptoms in children with ADHD:  inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.

Let's start with inattention.

Often has a hard time paying attention, daydreams. - Um...not Kaleb.

Is easily distracted from work or play. - Again, no.

Often does not seem to care about details, make careless mistakes. - No.

Is disorganized.  - Ha ha ha ha - he's the most organized kid I know and our house would fall apart without his OCD tendencies.  His room is ALWAYS clean and his desk at school always organized.

Frequently loses a lot of important things.  - No, that's Abbey.

Frequently avoids doing things that require ongoing mental effort - Absolutely not.  Video games anyone?

Next, there is hyperactivity.

Is in constant motion, as if "driven by a motor". - I don't think so.

Cannot stay seated. - Not a problem.

Frequently squirms or fidgets.  - No, that's his father.

Talks too much. - Only when he's had too much caffeine.

Often runs, jumps, and climbs when this is not permitted.  #1.  He's a boy.  #2.  It's not "often".

Cannot play quietly. - Incorrect.

And lastly, impulsivity.  This is the only one that he has SOME inclinations to.

Frequently acts and speaks without speaking.  - Again, Abbey comes to mind.

May run into the street without looking for traffic first. - NO.

Frequently has trouble taking turns. - Not unless he's just in a bad mood and just trying to aggravate his sisters.

Cannot wait for things. - He CAN.  He doesn't LIKE to, but he can.

Often calls out answers before the question is complete.  Nope, I don't think so.

Frequently interrupts others. - I'll give him this one.

So, how can I tell if my child has ADHD?  Intuition.  :-)

It is interesting that kids can have JUST the inattentive part (ADD), or a combination of hyperactive/impulsive, or a combination of all three.  But it doesn't seem that they can be classified as ADHD just based off of impulsivity.

Anyway...we have an appointment to go back to see the psychiatrist in two weeks, and also an appointment to see a child therapist in 3 weeks.  The psychiatrist gave me a form for Kaleb's teacher and other specials teachers (art, music, P.E.) to fill out so I'll take those back in two weeks also.  But I go back to my intuition, combined with the fact that he fits so few of the symptoms.  I do not believe that Kaleb has ADHD.

Sewing project gone awry...part 2

Now that I've shown you the quilt I completed (finally) for Abbey's 9th birthday, let's talk about how I ruined her 9th birthday by spending the evening in the emergency room.

Before I do that, let me introduce you to...Ken.  His full name is Kenmore Elite 9600 Ergo 3 Quilting and Embroidery Machine.  Thus...we shall call him Ken for short.

In the ten years since I bought this machine, I have yet to have a sewing injury of any kind.  Until last night. Last night was a unique experience, to say the least.  I had finished Abbey's quilt, which you saw in my previous post.  I had finished a cape to go with her "superhero/princess" costume for Halloween and was in the process of stitching together a letter "A" to go on the back of the cape.

I had intentionally put the needle down to secure the fabric, but also allow the fabric to turn, so I could continue stitching.  So I am focusing on positioning the material exactly where I want it, nowhere near ready to begin stitching again.  My foot had other plans that I was completely unaware of.  In case you are not familiar with sewing or sewing machines, there is usually a machine and then a pedal that controls the needle (i.e. making it go up and down).  You press down on the pedal, and hold it down and the stitching will continue.  My pedal looks like this, and happened to be under the table while I was lining up where I wanted the material to go.

This next picture shows you where the quilting needle goes on the machine.  Just so you get an idea of you're looking at, as I explain what happened next.

There is currently no needle in the machine.  You see, the needle that WAS in the machine is now in 3 pieces.  If you haven't already heard the story, perhaps you are getting a sense of where I am headed with this.

I had my fingers down under the "foot" that guides the fabric and not completely realizing what I was doing, I instinctively pressed my ACTUAL foot down on the pedal and the needle began moving up and down.  WHILE MY FINGER WAS POSITIONED DIRECTLY UNDERNEATH IT.  The needle entered through my fingernail, hit the bone in my finger and broke into three pieces.  One piece remained in the machine, I found another 1 inch long piece on the table and looked down to realize that the other 1/4 to 1/2 of an inch of the needle was embedded into my fingernail.  Prepare to cringe.

I warned you.

I was home by myself with the kids.  It was around 5:30pm.  Kris hadn't arrived from work yet and somehow, despite how I would have reacted if this had happened to one of the kids, I remained calm.  The kids obviously knew something was wrong - I was in pain after all. But I wasn't crying or anything.  I think I was in shock.  The first thing I tried to do was pull my finger away from the machine.  The thread was still attached so, with shaking hands, I cut the thread to free myself from the machine.  The second thing I did was turn my finger over to see if the needle had gone all the way through my finger.  It hadn't.  I realized later that had the needle gone all the way through my finger, my finger would actually have just been stuck in the machine and I would have been completely helpless.  So, it could have been worse.  The kids were all concerned and I remained calm, telling them that I was fine and that I just had part of the needle stuck in my finger.

I walked outside to call Kris, because I didn't want to scare the kids.  I said "Where are you?"  He indicated he was at 70 and 170 (which is about 12 minutes from our house).  I said "OK.  I think I need to go to the ER.  I have part of a needle stuck in my finger."  He indicated he would be home as soon as possible.  I went back in the house to make sure I was presentable.  One has to at least look decent and put a bra on to go to the ER.  What?  I hadn't planned to get back out that night!  Katherine tried to put my hair in a pony tail for me, but I wound up managing to do it myself and it at least looked halfway decent.  All the kids were waiting in the van when Kris got home.  I had collected all the pieces of the needle that weren't in my finger and put them in a bag to take to the ER, in case they needed to gauge how much of the needle was still in my finger.

Abbey had started crying at some point during all of the hustle and bustle of getting ready to go.  I told her that I was sorry I was ruining her birthday.  She explained that she wasn't crying because of that.  She said "I'm just scared they won't be able to get it out of your finger."  I calmly explained that they would definitely get it out and that is why we were going to the hospital, because they could get it out easier than I could.  She decided she wanted to stay with me the whole time, so when Kris got me to the ER, she went in with me while Kris and the kids parked and walked in.

Immediately, I became the star patient.  Not that I got super fast treatment, though overall the ER visit was surprisingly fast.  Apparently, while I am sure they see crazy things every day, it isn't every day that someone walks in with a quilting needle solidly embedded in their fingernail.  Three different intake/triage people took a look at my finger.  The lady who did the registration took a good long look, I think just to see it, as all she was there to do was to take down my name and info.

Cindy arrived shortly after and took the kids with her. Abbey went from wanting to stay with me to wanting to get Chinese with Grandma, so Kris and I were alone when they took me back to a room.  Immediately two of the nurses came in, just to look at my finger.  I heard them say "Rick (not his actual name cause I can't remember it) called this one.  He loves this kind of stuff!"  So, before I even got back there, someone had already "claimed" my case.  Said Dr. Rick came in and explained that they would numb my finger, remove the needle and then xray the finger to make sure that the bone wasn't fractured.

When all was said and done, THIS is what they removed from my fingernail.

Yes, the thread was still in the needle.  The eye of the needle was actually embedded below my nail.  You couldn't see the eye of the needle, though you could actually pull on the thread and move it back and forth.

When all was said and done, it didn't look so bad, though.  They told me to expect bruising and swelling, and sent me home with pain meds, but honestly, it feels just fine.  A little pain from time to time but overall, I barely feel it.  I was very fortunate.  My arm hurts worse from the tetanus shot I had to have!

So...there it is.  The whole story on HOW I drove a needle through my finger.  It was quite the exciting day.  You can laugh if you want.  Now that it doesn't feel like someone is constantly pounding a hammer down on my finger, it is pretty amusing.  So there's the story on the lengths I go to in order to ruin my childrens' birthdays.

Sewing project gone awry...part 1

First of all...wow...it's been a long time since I wrote.  Now I'm typing with a maimed finger, which I will tell you about shortly.

It all started just over three years ago...

Don't worry-I'll try to keep the three years brief!  ;-)

Abbey's birthday is October 17th.  I began a quilt for her just before she turned 6.  After finishing the top, and not in time for her birthday, in late October I began experiencing the first neck pain...what would end up being over 3 years of daily neck/back/shoulder pain.  So, I never got around to finishing her quilt.  Every now and then on a good day, I would make a little progress.  But I could never sew for more than an hour or so, and then I had to pay the price with an increase in pain.

But I am happy to report that on Friday, October 14, 2011, I FINALLY finished her quilt!  Just in time for her 9th birthday!

She loves it, of course.  It was only 3 years in the making!  Little did I know what would happen, just a few short days later...part 2 coming soon.

It could only be from Abbey

Dear, God I feel like none people love me.  Pelse help me feel loved and it's like when I get hurt I get in trouble.  I need your help God.  Thank you for everything and everyone.  Pelse forgive me for my sins.

I love you and I know you love me too.  you the greatest and goodest.  Thank you for letting your one and onely son die for our sins.  Thank you for pinky and all the things I got at the garge sale and things you made.  In Jesus's name.

---

I love her.  It breaks my heart that she feels like no one loves her sometimes, and yet I understand at the same time.  But then she changes tones in the letter.  And she focuses on thanking God and she is just such an amazing little girl.  I love her so much.

Just let me get to Switchfoot already!

Road trip! A short way of saying "Jamie's gonna blog!"

And the fun begins...

We went to the gas station to fill up and noticed that the on ramp to 170 was closed. So...we decided to turn around and take 270.  Guess what?!?  270 was closed too!

Not to be deterred, we drive down to Lindberg, along with everyone else in the area apparently. Because it was backed up, we figured our best bet was to go down to Howdershell and take that around to 270.

I know you're going to find this hard to believe, but before we got all the way down to Howdershell, the road was blocked. For a parade!! Are you kidding me?  And it wasn't just part of the parade. It was the BEGINNING of the parade!!

Never a full moment. This should be an interesting 4 hour drive. And we haven't even dropped the kids off yet!!

Vice Verses

My all time, hands down favorite band is Switchfoot.  They are everything I could want in a band and more.  Their lyrics never fail to speak to my heart.  Their new album just came out.  It's called Vice Verses.  Kris and I made plans a couple months ago to see them live with Anberlin in Illinois on October 1.  With our tickets we got the new album, a t-shirt, some lithograph something that I won't pretend to know what it is, as well as early entry into the venue.  We got the CDs yesterday and I have been listening to this album over and over again.  So many songs on this particular album seem to speak to me, where I am.  Right now.  Presently.  In my life, spiritually.  One in particular, called Thrive, has been on repeat more than the others.  I just wanted to share the lyrics and the song with you today.

Here is a live version that was posted on YouTube.  The lyrics will follow.



Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I am a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright

I'm always close but I'm never enough
I'm always in line but I'm never in love
I get so down but I won't give up
I get slowed down but I won't give up

I want to thrive not just survive
Thrive

Lazy Sunday

It's Sunday morning.  We have an hour before we need to be at church, so I'm just enjoying some time being lazy while the kids watch some lame kids' show on Netflix.  I took away all electronics (again) except TV.  They drive me crazy always wanting to play the Wii, or Playstation, or computer.  I'm about to get on another kick where they are deprived for an entire week, because I am so tired of hearing someone ask every other second if they can play on the computer or other device.

I made this really simple and delicious recipe in the crock pot yesterday.  All you have to do is take one can of cream of mushroom soup, cream of celery, and cream of chicken and combine it with 1-2 cups instant rice.  Then you put 4-6 chicken breasts on top and cook it for 3-4 hours on high.  It was great!  Though the rice/soup mixture reminded me more of stuffing.  But I didn't mind that.  I thought it was really good.  I sprinkled some lemon pepper on the chicken just to add a little extra flavor and next time, will probably sprinkle some salt on too...but it would've been good without that too.  It sure was a lot easier than stuffed chicken, and tasted VERY similar.  So if you're looking for a quick and simple (and GOOD) crock pot meal...there you go.  You're welcome.

Kris and I played in a Bridge 199er tournament yesterday.  That simply means that everyone we played against had under 199 Master Points.  Kris and I, until yesterday, had 2 WHOLE Master Points.  But, we played REALLY well yesterday, and scored in first place in all three flights, in our section.  We wound up earning 1.14 Master Points.  That's a pretty large amount to earn at one time.  I am sure it doesn't seem like much to you...but we were thrilled!  I still don't understand why people are so intimidated by the game.  Jennifer, I'm talking to you.  We're just alike.  You would LIKE the game, perhaps even LOVE the game, if you would let me teach you how to play!!!

I wanted to thank everyone who has called/emailed the city of Eureka to try to help put the crosses back. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can check it out here and help out.

Something a little lighter

I realize that my last few posts have been pretty...heavy.  It's been a LONG, draining week!  So I thought that today, just for fun, I would rant again...but this time on a much more light-hearted topic.

Max and Ruby.

Let's talk about that show.  I already have issues with Caillou.  Who wouldn't? I came across an old blog post, back from when I was a stay at home mom, when Livvy was just an infant.  During that time, Abbey and I watched a LOT of Max and Ruby.  That show always disturbed me.

For those of you who do not know, Max and Ruby is a cartoon that comes on Nick Jr.  Abbey used to love this show. I have always wondered why she doesn't listen and why she does exactly what I tell her not to do. I am beginning to wonder if this little kids' cartoon might not have something to do with it.

Ok. Ruby is the older rabbit. She is sister to Max, the younger (obviously) brother. They live together in a house, alone. I'm not sure what happened to their parents, but their grandmother does live just down the road and checks in on them from time to time--I've only heard of or seen her in maybe 2 episodes.

Let me give you an example of what this is teaching today's children.

One episode in particular made me just sort of shake my head. Max was trying to get into the refrigerator to get a snack but Ruby came up to him and said "It's time for a bath Max." So they go up and Ruby helps get Max in the tub. While she goes out of the room to go and get towels, Max goes downstairs and gets some sherbet out of the fridge. He takes it back up and into the bath and dumps it into the water. Ruby comes back in and says "Oh Max"--that is her typical phrase, used many times in each episode. She lets the water out and puts clean water back in. She tells Max to stay in and she leaves again to go and do something. Max, of course gets back up and goes back and gets a different color of sherbet this time, but before he can get in the bathtub with it, Ruby stops him and sets it down on a stool near the tub. Then, (doesn't she seem a little stupid by now??) she leaves the room AGAIN! Max, of course, gets the sherbet and starts playing with it in the tub. It spills and the water instantly changes color. So this continues...maybe 2 or three more times....why Ruby doesn't just stay in the bathroom the entire time and just bathe Max I don't know! But that was it. There was no lesson at the end, or if there was I missed it. Max just kept doing what he was not supposed to and Ruby kept saying "Oh Max." Max also always has some key word that he uses all the time and that's all he says. I don't remember what the word was in this one...probably "snack" or "food" or something like that. This show teaches NOTHING to our children, and let's face it.  It's more annoying than entertaining.

Are you kidding me?

If you are familiar with my blog, or the Huckaba family, you know that they are dear to my heart.  If you have no clue what I am talking about, 6 years ago on July 28th, five people died in a horrific car accident on Interstate 44, in Eureka, MO near Six Flags.  Angi Huckaba, two of her sons (Jacob and Josh), as well as Angi's sister and brother, in a van on their way to Six Flags were rear-ended and killed.  I've written about it before.  Angi was a friend of mine and both Katherine and I had the blessing of talking to her on the phone the day before she died.  I think back to that day Kris told me what had happened and still remember the shock and the disbelief.  I think often about Shawn (Angi's husband) and Alex, their oldest son, both of whom survived and have managed to somehow press on through these last six years.  I can't drive past the funeral home in St. Charles without a heart full of sadness and I can't drive past that section of I-44 in Eureka without looking at the 5 crosses in front of Steak 'n Shake that mark the spot where they lost their lives.  Several times I have stopped and just stood there, in front of the crosses, remembering Angi and her boys.  Touched the crosses, as if I can somehow find a trace of their lives still lingering there.

Yesterday, Shawn discovered that the crosses were missing.  No one seemed to know why.  Until today.  Until Shawn got a letter from the city of Eureka.  I did get his permission to share this letter here and after you are done reading it, I am asking you, pleading with you, if you know this family or live in the area, PLEASE take some sort of action to contact the city of Eureka.  It is outrageous, what they are saying in the letter, and why they removed the crosses.  It was heartless and in my opinion, just plain WRONG.  This is the letter he received:


Mr. Huckaba:

The City has received a number of complaints regarding the crosses (mostly verbal, with a few in writing). The issues raised varied, including questioning the appropriateness of them being there and that they are distracting drivers. While there are likely many opinions regarding their appropriateness, having been placed on notice by numerous parties that the crosses are potentially causing drivers to be distracted while viewing them, the Board of Aldermen directed that they be removed. It would certainly be both tragic and ironic for there to be a traffic accident as a result of that which was erected following a traffic accident. The section of I-44 that was dedicated in honor of your family will of course remain as a memorial. We have retained the crosses, and will keep them for 30 days if you are interested in retrieving them. They are in a small wooden fenced area at the southwest corner of our building. You are welcome to retrieve them whenever you wish, including after business hours.

Regards,
Craig
__________________________________________________________

Craig E. Sabo
City Administrator
City of Eureka
100 City Hall Drive
P.O. Box 125
Eureka, MO 63025-0125
636-938-5233
636-938-4080 (FAX)
cesabo@eureka.mo.us


Are you kidding me????  First of all...it's absurd.  The crosses, a distraction?  Maybe.  But not a BAD one.  A distraction that screams for people to SLOW DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION BEHIND THE WHEEL!  An entire family was lost that day and to remove the crosses because there have been some complaints is stupid at best, in comparison with what happened that day.

BEYOND THAT...I can't get over the wording in that letter.  The part that said "It would certainly be both tragic and ironic for there to be a traffic accident as a result of that which was erected following a traffic accident."  What happened that day was MORE than just a "traffic accident".  And the inclusion of that statement is any number of things.  Insensitive.  Ignorant.  Ridiculous.  I'm infuriated!  How many traffic accidents were there on that section of the highway BEFORE 7/28/05?  I am uncertain of the number, but I remember reading the articles about all the accidents on that section of I-44 before that day.  Enough that they lowered the speed limit through that area.  Enough to draw the attention of the news and changes to be made.  I have not heard of an accident happening in that area in the last six years.  That is not to say that there haven't been any, but that raises a question in my mind.  HAVE there been any traffic "accidents" in that area in the last six years, and furthermore, have they resulted in the loss of FIVE YOUNG LIVES??

Shawn indicated that the dedication of that section of the highway was also done by MODOT, and NOT the City of Eureka.  So they (the city and/or its representatives) have no right to act as if they had something to do with it.  As if they were responsible for that act, and that it should be sufficient enough to smooth things over and make it acceptable for the crosses to be removed.  Do they think that six years is enough time for family and friends to grieve over the losses?  There is no time limit on grief.  A part of me will always mourn the loss of their lives.  And I'm not even a close relative, and it's no secret that I had gone months without talking to Angi before she called me the day before she died.  So imagine what those even closer to the situation must be thinking, feeling, and grieving.

Those crosses need to be put back.  It is a reminder to me personally of how short life can be.  Of how in the blink of an eye, you could lose everything.  We are not guaranteed another moment on this earth.  We are not promised another breath.  And those crosses are a somber reminder of not only the lives lost that day, but also that life is too short.  Too short to hold grudges.  Too short to treat people as if they don't matter.  Too short to think that you'll have that chance, someday, to say goodbye or make amends.

I intend to do whatever I can to help ensure that those crosses are replaced.  I am begging any of you who read this, or know and care about the Huckabas, or who want to help to PLEASE write or call the City of Eureka demanding that the crosses be put back where they rightfully belong!

I am not one to get up on a soap box (most of the time) but this is way too close to my heart and I refuse to sit by and watch it happen.  It might be easy for someone who didn't know how amazing this family was, and how incredible the remaining family members ARE to think that the crosses may be inappropriate.  They didn't have to live through the hell of the last six years that Angi's husband, son, parents, and other family and friends have experienced.  But if anything, those crosses, beyond being a way to honor and remember the lives lost that day, have likely saved other lives in the last 6 years because of their presence and that is what I intend to tell the City of Eureka.

Refreshed

Writing is cathartic.  I know that for some people, writing is something foreign, or scary, or unimaginable.  I don't think I could have survived these last 8 years without writing.  I first began blogging in March of 2004.  Kris and I had been married five years and it became my outlet.  My way of dealing with what was a very crazy, chaotic and sometimes downright horrible time in my life.  I had been married for almost five years.  My children were 3, 2, and 1.  Have you ever had children that were 3, 2, and 1?  I wouldn't recommend it.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE my kids.  With this desperation that is beyond my understanding.  HOWEVER...having that many children, that close together, almost guarantees a mental and emotional meltdown.  Or mistakes.  At the time that I started writing, I was very in tune with God and his leading in my life and was actively reading the Bible and writing about what I read.

Over that year, my blog began to change, along with my own change.  Little did I know that four months into blogging my life itself would change in a dramatic way and I would push God to the back burner and make choices that have forever changed my life and shaped me into the woman that I am today.  There are things that I have done, choices I made that threatened my heart, my marriage, my relationship with God, my family.  On July 23, 2004 I wrote the following:

"Life has just been passing me by.  I get through day to day, not really sure how.  But I make it through.  To say I've been unhappy lately would be an understatement.  I've always heard that years 5-7 really can take a toll on marriages...guess we are finding that out."


As I am looking back through my old posts, one thing in particular stands out to me.  MAN I WAS BORING!  And then I stumbled upon this post, to close out the year of 2004 (which was also the same year that Kaleb began to manifest some disturbing behaviors for a 3 year old):


"I'm so glad Christmas is over and that this year is almost over. It sure has been chaotic, to say the least. Last week was filled with enough drama and trouble than we've had in a long time. In one week, we had a miscarriage, I got laryngitis and Abbey broke her collarbone (this was Christmas eve too). It has to get better, right? I feel like I am just floating through waiting for the storms to pass. Will they? I'm not so sure I want to start a new year. New years come with new problems and I've had enough to last me for quite some time."

I was a mess back then, to say the least.  As you can see above, I had a miscarriage that Christmas, and then by the end of February, I was pregnant again (pregnancy #5 - our dear Olivia), my stomach bearing the bruises that come along with having a little unknown blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden, which requires 2 shots each day in the stomach, to prevent blood clots while pregnant.


I'm looking back over this and not really sure why I am sharing all of this.  Perhaps it's because I have a lot of "new" readers and some of you don't know much of what I am sharing here.  Also, I tend to just write what I am thinking, so apparently this is what I am thinking about at the moment. 


I think I started writing all of that to come back to this verse that came into my head this morning, as I thought through yesterday and the emails and how heavy my heart was last night.  Psalm 30:5 (NLT) "For his anger lasts only a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."  I definitely found that to be true this morning!  

Living with regret

I'm really struggling tonight.  And let me just preface this with saying that I don't need a diagnosis.  I am not looking for a "you're good enough" or "it's OK" or anything like that.  I just need to "talk" tonight.  I need to get this off my heart.

When you have done something wrong, and you never have a chance to make amends, you carry that with you.  At least, crazy people like me do.  I'm the queen of guilt.  I STILL feel guilty about decisions I made when I was 15 years old, even though the two relationships that were fractured at that time have been rekindled and are very much a part of my life now.  I will always wish that I could have done it differently.  Said something differently.  But am grateful that God gave me another chance with both of those relationships, when I deserved nothing better than for them to write me off completely.  But like most people, all three of us grew up and matured and realized that life was too precious and too short to harbor resentment and hurt for years.  I am truly blessed that Joey and Amanda are both back in my life and my heart swells with gratitude when I think about them, and it is just enough to keep me from bringing the guilt back in.  Guilt that doesn't belong because I was young and stupid, and knew absolutely NOTHING really about God and the Bible and what it really means to have a relationship with Jesus.  Back then it was "this is what the Bible says and that is how it is and if you don't follow the Bible then you're wrong".  Man did I grow up quickly through that time in my life!

And yet, I'm still an idiot.  And we all know how I feel about idiots.

The older I get, the more I realize how stupid people are when they are young.

You know, when you become a mother, it is only then that you realize more about your own mother and childhood and finally begin to understand what your own mother went through.  I know this has been true for my life and how I viewed my childhood then, vs. the truth that I see from it now.  It's only in retrospect that you can understand.

And oftentimes when you make a mistake that causes pain to someone else, it isn't as if you can just wave a wand and make the hurt disappear.  Sometimes you don't even realize the amount of pain you have caused another person.  And I have done my share of causing pain.  And I carry guilt with me like a heavy burden.  Yes, I know what the Bible says about that.  I know that I don't HAVE to carry that guilt.  But I do it anyway.  I fee like I deserve to feel that guilt and I allow myself to feel it, because I am messed up and think that I NEED to feel that in order to somehow pay penance for my mistakes.

Back in college, I knew absolutely nothing.  About life.  About what real Christianity was about, for myself...about a real relationship with God.  About friendships.  About men.  I grew up believing that I would never been pretty enough, never be smart enough, never be good enough for any man to ever love me.  I'm now 32 years old and STILL battle those same beliefs, even though Kris has been by my side when other men would have left years ago.  I can recognize now that those come from the enemy and myself, but it doesn't change the fact that I believe them.  I didn't date in high school.  I had a casual boyfriend here or there (maybe 4 or 5 all told).  But never really went on a "real" date, except once.  Before a school dance.

Boys scared me.  Not for any reason beyond the fact that I was so insecure about myself and how to interact with them.  Kissing a boy terrified me!  I kid you not.  I used to pray that God would show me who the right guy was for me...by bringing a guy into my life that I wasn't scared to kiss.  I am sure it sounds ridiculous, and perhaps it was.  But I was an insecure, teenage girl who didn't believe anyone could ever want to kiss me to begin with!

And I carried that with me to college.  And for the first time in my life, during my freshman year of college, boys seemed to notice me.  Not many.  But a handful.  And it was overwhelming, to say the least.  I couldn't comprehend why in the world someone would be interested in ME.  Remember...I had the thought that I would never be wanted, so this was very new to me.

For my birthday, in 1998, three friends took me out to dinner.  One of them paid for my dinner, bought me long stem roses, accompanied by a poem, then took me to see a movie, which he also paid for. I got my first real taste of what a REAL date was, and understood that someone was interested in me.  Here was the problem.  I didn't want to date anyone at that time.  I was getting over being hurt by another guy, and certainly not ready to invest more emotional energy into a relationship.  And here was this man, treating me like every woman should be treated.  And it wasn't that I wasn't grateful.  What he did for me I actually carried with me and never really thanked him for.

In fact, I made matters worse by writing him a letter, telling him that I wasn't interested in dating anyone, instead of having a face to face conversation, which was, at the very LEAST, what he deserved.  He deserved a lot better than that.  But I was 18, and an idiot.  And nothing I say or do can change that.  I was still learning about a relationship with God and what he was "calling" me to.  So two weeks later when Kris came along, wanting to date me, and I suddenly found myself wanting the same thing and feeling like this was God's leading, I moved on.  Because I was young and naive, it didn't even occur to me that I had really hurt this other guy.  That I had never thanked him for treating me with such kindness and generosity.  I felt bad that I told him I didn't want a relationship, then suddenly two weeks later I changed my mind.  I know how it looked to him.  I knew it then.  I knew it looked like I was just brushing him off.  Saying that is not true doesn't change how it appeared.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Because my heart hurts.  Because I spent most of the night sobbing (when I wasn't working), feeling horrible about how I treated him.  In retrospect, I know what I should have done.  I know that he deserved better.  I know that he is happily married now, as am I.  And that it shouldn't still weigh on me like it does.  But the truth is, it does.  Not the fact that I didn't pursue a relationship with him.  The fact that he deserved better than how I treated him.  It's been 14 years.  How am I still feeling so much pain over this?  If you didn't know before now that I'm messed up, here's your introduction to the real me.

I don't like when I've done something that has hurt someone else, especially when they are so angry that I can't do anything to make it better.  Nothing I say or do will change anything.  And I guess that I am just hoping that by getting it out I can figure out a way to move on and stop carrying that guilt with me.  Because I have finally been given an opportunity to apologize, and what he chooses to do with that is beyond my control.  I am going to have to accept that he may think I am just full of hot air and may always see me as I know I see myself for how I treated him.

This isn't a good place for me to be...these types of scenarios are triggers for me, and the last thing I need right now is a trigger to that downward spiral.  I have got to find a way to move past this and accept that I may never be forgiven by him and that it is OK.  I can't allow myself to be consumed by it and allow it to control my emotions and my mental state of mind, which let's face it...isn't too great right now considering where we are at financially, with our jobs, the kids, etc...

I just needed to get that out.