But something else occurred today.
And you know, I just HAD to write about it. My friend made this picture and posted it on my Facebook wall Tuesday, and it really is perfect for this post and my decision to blog about today's upcoming topic. I asked-she doesn't mind that I share this here. She owns this picture. It does not belong to me (or you) so don't steal it without asking permission first, OK?
Perfect, right?
Let's begin.
Over the last two days, I have received SEVERAL anonymous comments on my book review for 50 Shades of Grey, a book that I did not (and will not) read; because I choose to keep my mind pure and free from temptation. I think that some people did not understand my true intent of that blog post, or I wouldn't be getting some of the comments I am getting. The majority of my friends and family know me, and if you've been reading, you know what has been going on in my life over these last few months.
You also know that pornography is a very sensitive topic for me. My life has been altered and affected very deeply by pornography. Beyond that, it is my belief that pornography is wrong. This is MY belief. You can choose to believe however you want, and argue with me as much as you want. It won't change what I believe, and I have little doubt that I am not going to change the majority worldview on the topic. Please reread that. This is MY belief. This is my husband's belief. Our belief is based off of the Bible. You cannot look at pornography without lusting.
*Disclaimer*
All quotes from comments I received are as I received them. I just wanted to clarify that, as some of them may or may not be grammatically correct, or may have some misspelled/abbreviated words. That's why they are in QUOTES. ;-)
I recently received this anonymous comment on my post "50 Shades of Trash":
"I know your prob gonna delete my comment cause im against to what you said. I do beleive in god and jesus. But this book has nothing to do with satan."
My first thought, and response was this:
"I'm not going to delete a comment just because someone disagrees with me. I did not directly say that this book has anything to do with Satan. To my Christian friends, I called it soft core pornography, which I believe is wrong. Some people, Christians included have their own reasons for why pornography is acceptable. My marriage was almost destroyed because of pornography and the hold it had in my husband's life, and Satan had his grips in me. Satan I believe USES things like books of this type to lure people away-entice them little by little, leaving them wanting more. I don't believe I ever stated that this book had something to do with Satan. Satan was mentioned in terms of pornography and the hold it can have in people's lives, and THAT is where I believe that Satan is very active."
Staying with that same thought, since I essentially said that pornography can destroy marriages, I received another anonymous comment that said this:
"Porn doesnt mess up marriages...people mess up marriages"
I agree, with the "people mess up marriages" part. We are all fallen people and we all make mistakes. We don't know how to communicate, or someone has an addiction, or we can't get along for whatever reason we may have.
People DO mess up marriages. We get in our own way sometimes.
At the same time though, pornography DOES mess up marriages.
Yes, I am speaking from personal experience, but I also know of several others who have gone through this same thing. And you can read story after story of other marriages, long or short relationships, that have been impacted negatively by pornography. If you are currently married and you and your spouse mutually "enjoy" pornography, that's between the two of you and it's your marriage. What I am saying is that the shift and the effect is so subtle sometimes that you don't even see it. If you both agree that it is OK to read and/or view pornography, maybe it won't impact your marriage. I did not ever say that pornography messes up EVERY single marriage. If you and your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever have no qualms about sharing that with one another, you are free to do whatever you want. This blog is MY blog, MY opinion.
And because it is my opinion and my blog, I'll go one step further to say that if you are a woman and you and your husband indulge in pornography, I would be quite shocked (and you might be too) if your husband or boyfriend isn't ALSO indulging in pornography on the side, WITHOUT you. With pornography, there is ALWAYS a desire to see more. Maybe it started out as just the two of you, but at some point it has (or will) become something secretive and personal for your husband, if they choose to continue in that. Beyond that, pornography fills one's mind with images and ideas of what people SHOULD look like, and the reality is that most of us don't look like that! We will never measure up.
Let me take one more step forward, maybe step on some toes. Women: if you agree that it is OK for your husband to look at pornography on his own, not involving you at all, be honest with yourself. Do you really think that you measure up to all those perfected, greased up women he is looking at on a computer screen or in a magazine? How does that make you feel? Be honest with yourself. Take a good look and tell me that you feel like you are enough, even though your husband looks at pornography when you aren't around. I'd like to meet someone who is able to look past the insecurities and hurt that the majority of us feel. I am not being sarcastic. If this is YOU, let me know. Because in all the women I have talked to or read about, every single one has been deeply wounded by their husband's viewing of pornography.
Do you not realize that when you are together, there are times that he has to envision these other women that he has seen, in order to "seal the deal"? Do you not see that if YOU are not the only woman "in the bed", you are not his sole focus? Don't you want to be the sole focus of your husband? Men, don't you want your wife to only think about YOU during sex? How would you feel, men, if you knew your wife was only able to achieve an orgasm by thinking of another man (or woman)? Does that leave you feeling like you are able to please her?
THIS is what pornography does in relationships, whether you share it mutually or one (or both) is hiding it from the other. It takes what is supposed to be something sacred shared between the two of you, and invites a whole host of other people into your bed.
You can agree, or disagree. It doesn't hurt me, or upset me when I receive negative comments like the ones I have gotten today. What it does is break my heart, because I see so many people that are blind to the truth. That are living in darkness and don't really understand how damaging pornography is in their own relationship. I've said before that I have a heart for marriages. Especially hurting and wounded and broken marriages. And I believe that pornography is central to a LOT (I did not say ALL) of these broken marriages.
Another comment I received was this:
"What you are saying is ridiculous about the book...im against porn too. Fifty shades of grey is no where near porn...there is hardly any BDSM. Before you have opions on it...maybe you should read it. Its a very good book. Like the saying goes "never judge a book by its cover". Im married..and it made our sex life alot better!! Im not gonna run off and cheat on him. In the book..when they have sex...its two people in love having sex...they end up getting married and have two children. Read the books..thats the only way your gonna know what its exactly about. As for the BDSM...christian was into it because that was all he knew. The pedifile did that to him. He wasnt a pervert...he was abused sexually and mentally. Theres no cheating in it...no mpre the one sex partners... its two people falling in love and christian just has issues that ana helps him get thru..because he had a horrible childhood before he was adopted!!!!"
Here are a few of the areas I take issue with.
#1. To say that a book filled with sex scene after sex scene, where a virgin falls for an older, more experienced man who was into BDSM, is nowhere near porn is just...how can I put this without sounding too harsh...unwise. What does it have to have in it for you to think that it is pornography? Pictures? Rape? What??? What makes it pornography? A book that describes sex scenes is at the very least, soft-core pornography. That is how I define pornography. Anything that puts those images (of OTHER people) into our minds is pornography. Surely you can't read that book and insert yourself as Ana and your spouse/boyfriend Christian! Even if you could, having read Erotica before, I know that these types of scenes tend to cause a "stirring" inside. Would you say that this book is NOT Erotica even? Surely you can grant that it is Erotica, seeing as how that is the primary genre (aside from Fan Fiction) that it falls into. So, maybe for you, Erotica is NOT pornography. But they are one in the same for me. I never wrote this post saying that my definition is supreme. This blog, again, is my opinion.
#2. You also said that "there is hardly any BDSM". Which, to me, indicates its presence. And as a friend of my wrote in response to this:
"Actually he was a pervert, by definition. A pervert is a person who acts on a perversion. Merriam Webster defines perversion as "an aberrant sexual practice or interest especially when habitual". Aberrant is "Departing from an accepted standard"... So thus BDSM is considered an non accepted standard by the majority of society... no matter what it stems from. Also, she states that if you choose to read this she does not judge you. It is your freedom and choice but she, and I, believe that it is not godly and not worth exposing ourselves to."
#3. Several people have corrected my assumption that the description of the book (when it says "affair") is not accurate. That neither person was involved with someone else. OK. I stand corrected. Are we all clear on that now?
#4. I am not here to judge anyone for what they do in their bedroom with their partner. And I never said that by reading these books (or indulging in pornography), you would go out and cheat on anyone. Though I did state that in some cases, pornography can lead to extramarital affairs. Additionally, when you incorporate pornography into your marriage/sexual relationship, your views of one another can become distorted. And the sad thing is that you probably don't even realize it is happening. That's how subtle it is. That's how subtle Satan is. He convinces you that just a little bit won't hurt. Or, this is acceptable if it is between my husband and I.
I do want to defend my position a little though, in saying that while it may seem like your sex life is better, at some point it won't be enough. There will always be this thirst for more, and at some point, your view on the topic of pornography may change. Maybe it won't. I'm not an expert and know nothing about your marriage. I just know that whether you think pornography is negatively impacting your marriage or not, it very possibly is. Note, I say "possibly" because I have no way of knowing for sure. I hope and pray that I am wrong. But I fear that I am not.
I also received this comment today:
"God gave you the right to make choices"
You are absolutely correct. God gave all of us the right to make choices. That does not mean that every choice we make is the RIGHT one. Just something to keep in mind.
I received two similar anonymous comments, and I am unsure if they are from the same person, as they came hours apart. The first one was listed at the beginning of the blog. The second one was this:
"I am a christian and i do beleive in god"
I have never stated that anyone I know or don't know does or does not believe in God. Can we agree on that?
So for the people who tell me that they are a Christian and believe in God, and that lust or
pornography is not wrong, then I have to ask you, "What about the Bible?" Do you believe the Bible is true? As a Christian? As someone who believes in Jesus? As someone who believes in God? Do you also believe in the Bible as being the Word of that God you say you believe in?
If you do, then how can you discount this:.
Matthew 5:27-30
"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."
And in case you think that this is just one WOMAN'S view on the topic, check out Manturity. This is written by a MAN, about the horrible effects that pornography can have in a marriage, and in the life of an individual. It isn't just women who take a hard stance against pornography. Believe it or not, there are men out there who recognize and warn against its dangers as well.
So, who else disagrees with what I am saying? Don't be afraid to let your voice be heard. After all, I'm sharing my voice. By allowing you to comment, I am giving you permission to share your thoughts. I really do want to hear what you have to say, good or bad. Sometimes it helps to "talk" through some of these tough issue.
I completely agree with all of this except for number 3... Our society in general consider an affair and adultery to be interchangeable words. The fact is married to another woman or not the character had committed adultery. He wasn't married to the girl and he had sexual relations.
ReplyDelete"Do you really think that you measure up to all those perfected, greased up women he is looking at on a computer screen or in a magazine? How does that make you feel? Be honest with yourself. Take a good look and tell me that you feel like you are enough, even though your husband looks at pornography when you aren't around."
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree that it is difficult to maintain self-worth and positive self-esteem when your partner is engaging in such activities, I disagree with this sentiment. This is dangerous thinking - codependent thinking, ungodly even. Pornography, in general, depicts to the world an unrealistic view of sex, true, however, I don't feel that I should have to measure up to or compare myself to anyone or anything. As a human being I should strive for confidence of self and revel in the knowledge of my own value, of my own self-worth. Fat, thin, fit, relaxed, short, tall, organized, creative... whatever it is that I am, the only opinion that should matter is my own. Or from a Christian perspective, my own and God's. My partner's adoration of me is something we all crave, certainly, and can certainly be a boon to my own feelings of value, but my partner's adoration or satisfaction is not the premise on which I should base my own confidence. I realize that this is all easier said than done, that this kind of self-actualization comes after years of self-examination and through much determination, but a refusal to compare myself to a fantasy, to a fiction like a pornographic portrayal of sex is a first step in realizing that kind of confidence and self-awareness. Additionally, from a Biblical perspective, I give you this:
Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
also
Hosea 2
14 “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor[b] a door of hope.
There she will respond[c] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 “In that day,” declares the Lord,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.[d]’
17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.
18 In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.
19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in[e] righteousness and justice,
in[f] love and compassion.
20 I will betroth you in[g] faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the Lord."
Even the old faithful Psalm 23 has much to say about how God loves and cherishes his people.
A Christian's value as a human, in the presence of porn or otherwise, doesn't change. God's view of his people, of their worth, doesn't change, and it is God's standards that you should measure yourself against. I will not compare myself to some broken soul who performs intimate acts in poor lighting on sticky film sets for all the world to see. I will not give an inch to the pervasiveness of that trickery. I am enough, in my own eyes and in God's eyes.
Jamie, you are enough.
Thank you for your comment and for including the Scripture and encouragement for me. I suppose I didn't clarify in the part about "being enough". I have learned this, FINALLY. That my worth has to be found in God. That it is the only thing that matters. What I meant to address in that statement is the fear and insecurity that MOST people who haven't learned this feel when their partner engages in pornography. And sadly, people who are no Christians, do not have this hope and usually don't have the self-confidence and the strength to believe anything else about themselves when they find out that their loved one is looking at porn instead of or in addition to them. That is what I was addressing. I have finally learned that I can't look to my husband. I should have worded that more clearly. I was addressing everything I used to feel, as a woman, when my husband looked at pornography. Because I know that I was not alone in how that made me feel. Does that make sense?
Delete*not Christians, I meant
DeleteWow! Who knew your review would bring "anonymous" out with a vengeance? For what it's worth, I think you did a great job explaining yourself and yet standing your ground. ;)
ReplyDeleteI thought I would get some negative feedback. I'm just surprised that it took over 275 views for someone to finally say "Hey wait a minute!" Maybe the majority agreed with my assessment and there is only a small few who are blinded into thinking that pornography has no impact on us and our relationships. I mean no disrespect to anyone, calling them blinded - that is something that the enemy has done. Some people don't even know that they are blinded. FYI-I got your email and will respond to it later on.
DeleteThat anonymous person was someone else!!! Get off your high horse.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how someone being open and honest about a personal struggle for their family is a high horse. I think the author is showing great humility... actually knowing the author personally, I would say that she humbles herself and has a loving and understanding heart for those who are going through what she has.
DeleteIm not a hater...im speaking my opinion and think all of this is ridiculous ...theres a reason your husband looked at porn. Because he wanted to. No one made him do it. He did it on his own
DeleteI didn't feel a need to defend myself, but thank you Faith for your words. I have no desire to be on a high horse, which I have stated very clearly, on multiple occasions. Sharing opening what I have gone through is not being on a high horse. I'm not looking down on anyone. I'm just blogging about my experiences and my beliefs.
DeleteNem are dogs..god made them to be very sexual beings. They think with their private parts. When women think with their brains. Men are way more into sex then women are. God made them that way. You cant control. Every man look at porn. Yes i understand it makes you feel like crap, but thats how they are. Thats how they were made. Im sorry if ive sounded mean or sounded like a hater. I just guess i have a totally different view on things. Maybe because your prob have my age. Im 24 so i was brought up in a different time then you did. No im not saying i was around sex as a child. Im saying that in my time..sex is ever where. Yes ive caught my husband looking at it, but he comes home to me. He loves me. I know he does. All men look at it at some point. Now if hes looking at it 24/7 and seem to cant stop. Then theres a problem there...but he went to the site on his own. So hes at fault for looking at it. Sex is so bad now that 9 year olds are losing their virginity. Im scared to death to send my child to school because of it. This society is getting worse and worse and theres nothing we can do about it. The only thing we can do is teach our child right from wrong. They make their own choice and we just pray that they make the right choice. Mistakes arent always bad. We make mistakes to learn from them. I beleive in god. I let jesus in my heart. This society is going down hill. It wouldnt surprise me if god comes soon. I know ill go to heaven. I wiped my sins clean. I let jesus in my heart. Its not my fault that the era i was born in was all bout sex and drugs, but i made the right choice to not do drugs and have sex.
ReplyDeleteWhen a man is Christian we should expect more. We are to hold other Christians accountable. That is not how they are made. Sex was originally designed as a good thing between a man and his wife but our sins and the fall of man has perverted God's plan. Since the fall we are born into sin but as Christians we do have a choice. We are no longer slaves to sin and to our flesh. A porn addiction always starts with just one look. It is a slippery slope. If a husband is not Christian, we can't expect them to act godly, but if they are even one look is sin. We should be thankful for God's grace because his standards are extremely higher than ours. I don't think anyone is disagreeing that it is their choice to look at a site. I think the whole point of her post that we should protect our hearts and homes by not opening it up to things that are ungodly. It isn't your fault that you are born into a fallen world, but we do have a choice to not participate in the activities. We are to stand out as strangers. As Christians we are no longer of this world. If my daughter is with friends and her friends have alcohol on them, it is not her fault. But she does have a choice to not drink with them and she also has a choice to not be their friends. There will be a time when everyone will have to answer for their choices and at that point we can not blame society or the people around us for our sins.
DeleteI agree Faith. Very well said.
DeleteJamie, I agree with you, and I commend you for standing firm on God's principles. Our job is to speak the truth, and others are free to choose what they will hear/believe, as we all are. Only God can change the human heart. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteThanks! Really appreciate the encouragement.
DeleteI think that what you are doing is very valuable. Even with those that disagree with you (and especially those who disagree vehemently) your warning has been heard. Maybe they will think about it someday. Most people have to make their own mistakes before they learn to do something that they don't really want to do (or not do something that they want.)
ReplyDeleteMy thought/question is do you think that pornography is similar (being an addiction) to alcohol consumption? Maybe some people just don't get sucked in even when they have a little. And recovering addicts have to go cold turkey or they just start slipping again. I don't go asking for trouble in this area, and that's my husband's view as well, so it isn't the same to us (since we do have occasional drinks but my husband will throw away VS catalogs) but maybe to some people it is. What do you think? Maybe alcohol is a bad example maybe its more like tabacco or something.
While there are obvious connections to alcoholism and pornography addiction, there is one huge difference. Looking at a women with lust, even once, is a sin. It is adultery. Drinking one glass of alcohol is not a sin.
DeleteI can clearly see the connection between alcoholism and a pornography addiction. One huge difference though is that to look at a women with lust, even one time is a sin. It is adultery. Whereas, a person can drink a glass of alcohol and not be in sin.
DeleteInteresting question Akiyo. I have thought about this. Yes I think there is a similarity to alcohol consumption and alcoholics. I do have a hard time believing that men can just look, browse here and there and not be pulled into the world of addiction to pornography. Not simply based on our story, but based on countless others. "It's the second glance that ties your heart as darkness puls the string." With alcohol, yeah there are those who can have just a drink now and then (Kris and I do) and not have a problem with alcohol. And while I will grant that it is POSSIBLE for a man to look at pornography now and then (though WHY?) and not be lured into an addiction, I think that it is much more likely that Satan will use that occasional look and draw them in deeper and deeper. So, they are the same and yet they are different. The addiction part is the same, but it's hard to compare pornography to drinking alcohol from time to time because while getting DRUNK is clearly wrong (in the Bible), drinking alcohol is not. But with pornography, I do not believe a man can just look just to admire the beauty-I believe that lust is involved every time and so there is sin there. So there is a difference. Does that make sense? It made sense in my head but I'm medicated today because my back is screwed up again and so maybe I'm not writing as clearly as I am thinking. :-)
ReplyDeleteI get what you're saying in terms of (for lack of a better term) "obvious" pornography. Men and women are very different. I guess I was thinking more in the terms of the book you were reviewing. Although I haven't read the book The Shades of Gray, I tend to be a pretty indiscriminate reader. I don't go looking for graphic stuff, but I would say that some of the stuff I read can be violent or downright trashy in parts. I avoid violent or trashy movies, but I've never felt like books affect me in the same way. Of course, if a book really gives me the willies (like occult-ish scenes, blatant anti-Christian attitudes or glorified violence) I won't finish it. But in general I don't look for reviews before I read something so I could come across anything. And honestly, I dislike Christian fiction.
DeleteActually I don't like most Christian fiction either, especially romance novels. I see what you are saying and perhaps I can concede that a woman reading multiple sex scenes may not be affected; I assume it depends on the woman really. I knitter that it would affect me or perhaps give me a flawed view of my husband if I started to expect certain things from my husband that I found in a book. If you end up reading it, I'd be interested in hearing your opinion once you finish it. I just wanted to urge my friends, especially the younger newly married ones to be careful what they put into their minds to prevent them from going through some of what I have.
DeleteKnitter, really phone? Know it, not knitter!
DeleteWhats yalls thoughts on homosexuals and tattoos? I know totally off topic..but i would really like to know yalls thought? Please and thank you.
ReplyDeleteTattoos while talked about in the Bible are not the same as they were in Biblical times. Back then, they meant something different. I personally don't have issues with tattoos, though I know some Christians who do. I also don't believe smoking is a son necessarily, because the Bible doesn't speak out about it. It is unhealthy and I don't like it personally but I can't say it's wrong. On the topic of homosexuality, it's such a touchy subject to tall about. I believe, because the Bible condemns the act itself (NOT THE PERSON), that it is a sin. But for non Christians, I can't hold them to the same standard, because they don't believe in the Bible. As a Christian, I believe that it is wrong, but I wil never debate it with non christians because it's not my place to tell them how to live. In all of my writing, I was addressing my Christian friends, a fact which a lot of people seem to be ignoring.
DeleteSin, not son.
DeleteGrrr...stupid auto correct. Talk not tall.
DeleteIm sorry to ask the question. I was just curious cause the bible says no man shall not lay with another man. Then for tattoos..in the bible it said your body is a temple and you shouldnt mark it. I would really love to read the bible but i cant understand it....what i mean is i dont understand the way its written. I am a christian.
ReplyDeleteRomans 1 also speaks about homosexuality. The Bible can be hard to understand. I'm not an expert. I'm just now learning the depth of things I only understood growing up. I'm not sure how to answer this in a comment. But if you would like, you can email me and we can talk more.
ReplyDeleteI would love to email you if thats ok? I really would like to learn
DeleteIf you click on my blogger profile, you can email me there.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honestly and transparency. I think what you shared it spot on. I agree with you 100%. God has created us to share our bed with one person...our spouse. Satan is a liar and deceiver. He will twist the truth so that it appears good when all it does is destroy. Pornography is not healthy in any aspect. It destroys marriages and those who use it. It breaks my heart knowing how many just don't see it as evil. None of us is perfect, we all sin...pornography...it's just no good.
ReplyDelete