Process

The definition of "process" (as a verb) is to treat or prepare for something with a specific series of actions.  When we have to emotionally "process" something, there are steps we take in order to cope and deal with life.  That is what we call processing.  And by we, I mean me.

Kris and I have been doing a lot of "processing" throughout the last four months.  It's been painful at times, but through this, we are stronger and healthier than ever before.  I am so thankful that God led us to The Outpost when He did; from the Power of Purity conference, to counseling, to finding a real church family-it is exactly what we needed.  God has been so good to us.  We are so unworthy and undeserving.  And yet, He loves us anyway.  I still can't get over it.  I hope that I never do.

About once a week now, something happens that gets my heart beating faster, makes breathing more difficult, and just in general leaves me feeling like a jumbled ball of nerves, unable to cope.  For a few moments, it literally paralyzes me.  I have to force my mind and body into action.  You've "heard" me talk about consequences and collateral damage.  I've come to accept these moments as they come, but it doesn't get any easier.  Each time, it sends me into a panic and I have to try to "process" it.  I hate that feeling.  But it is a consequence of my choices.

Here is what I find so interesting about these moments of panic.  Instead of feeling this way every moment of every day, I only feel this way about once a week (two or three times if it's a really bad week).  Instead of living with this anxiety on a regular basis, I am finally free of it, for the most part.  Until something comes up that is a reminder of my past, a consequence of my actions.  I think it is amazing to only deal with the anxiety from time to time, instead of constantly.  You don't understand what a huge difference this is from the way I was living.  I was always anxious.  Always taking Xanax to calm my nerves.  I recognize now that much of my anxiety was coming directly from the choices I was making.

That is one of the GOOD consequences for finally doing the right thing (even if God had to pull me into the light).  My anxiety is now something that I feel I have some amount of control over.  Instead of just swallowing me up, I can feel it coming on and take steps to PROCESS it.  I can pray.  I can call Kris.  I can read the many passages in the Bible about anxiety/worry.  I don't have to take 2 Xanax and wait for it to kick in.  It is no longer my first priority.  It's a last resort.  Instead of reaching for the bottle of pills, I reach for something better.  Something stronger.  The nail-scarred hand of my Savior.  Do I still take Xanax?  Yes.  Sometimes.  But with each anxious moment, I am trying harder to resist it.  To go to the one who asks me to cast my anxiety on him.  He took my punishment.  He can take my anxiety.  

I heard a song today.  You're shocked aren't you?  It seemed to really fit with this.  Since Good Friday, I have been living this song and am so grateful for the second chance I was given.

"I felt love, I felt your grace.  You stole my heart that day.  You've been walking with me all this time."  - Britt Nicole, "All This Time"

How do you "process" life in all it's chaos?  Yoga?  Deep breathing?  Freaking out?  Taking it to the Lord?