Counseling

Yeah...that's right. I'm admitting it. I'm in counseling. And you know what?

IT'S OK!!!

Sometimes I think there is a stigma attached to counseling or depression or other "issues", and I don't care if anyone thinks it's something that I should keep quiet about. What can I say? I'm a rebel.

Let's be real and talk about REAL LIFE. Because you know what? Sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes it's hard. MOST of the time it's hard. Marriage is hard. Sometimes, staying married seems next to impossible. Kris and I are imperfect people, trying to live as a married couple, and really we have NO IDEA what we are doing. So I am in counseling. Kris is in counseling. WE ARE IN COUNSELING. And...dare I say it...MARRIAGE counseling. The horror! (Yes, I am being sarcastic, if you couldn't tell.) Look, I don't really think there is anything wrong with it and I am not ashamed to admit that we needed/still need help. I think every married couple should be in counseling. Good marriage or bad...you can only benefit from marriage counseling.

If you know me, you know that I do NOT believe in coincidence. I believe that those "coincidences" are messages from God. Sometimes we close our eyes to seeing the truth in that. I know that I spent the last seven years ignoring those movements of God. I shoved God aside. I had my reasons. They weren't good ones. But they were my reasons, my excuses. And when Kris and I reached our lowest point back in February, a breaking point really, I finally began to open my eyes. At first, it was just one eye, barely open. As days went by and I saw God's hand at work in my life and in Kris' life, and in our marriage, I decided it was safe to open both eyes. And today, for the first time in a VERY long time, my eyes are WIDE OPEN.

Today's counseling session was HUGE for me. As I said previously, I've struggled with forgiving myself. I've carried the burden of shame and guilt alone; shame and guilt that has built up over the last 20+ years of my life. And after 20 years, it gets to be unbearable. I realized with ringing clarity today that I have NEVER in my life truly understood Christ's sacrifice on the Cross. I knew about it. I teach my kids about it. I believed it. But I just never fully comprehended the magnitude of it. It wasn't until today, during counseling, that it finally made sense. I have carried the guilt of my life of sin, not letting it go, because if God wouldn't punish me like I thought He should, I believed that I had to punish myself. I knew that punishment was a consequence of sin. And I knew that God is a loving and forgiving God. But I never felt like confessing my sin came with any kind of tangible punishment.  And I had it in my head that it was supposed to.  Punishment for sin plus a loving and forgiving God did not equal anything that made sense to me, though I never realized it.  So taking that flawed logic, I held on to my sins. Every. Single. One. And there are many. Though some were confessed, and some were not, I didn't accept God's forgiveness. I took the responsibility of punishment upon myself. It sounds foolish, but I do not believe that I am a fool. I just didn't understand that there was another way. I don't think I really understood what Jesus' death really meant.

Our counselor pointed out today that we all seem to "get" Easter and what it means. Up in our heads. But we don't always truly grasp the depth of what it really means, in our hearts. And for some reason, I am in a unique position to really, truly understand exactly what Jesus' death meant now.  I've been carrying around this heavy burden, punishing myself over and over again. I just couldn't forgive myself. For anything. I heard God today, in the words of our counselor.  He told me that I was right. I DO deserve to be punished for my sin.  And instead of lecturing me on "giving it to God" and all that "churchy-talk" (yes, that's a word; I just made it up), he guided me into an understanding of, not God, but Jesus.

I'm standing before God, buried under a mound of sin. I'm just a speck compared to the amount of sin that surrounds me. He is ready to punish me. And I know I deserve it. But then, after some discussion about punishment for sin, our counselor said "What if today, on Good Friday, you allow Jesus to take the punishment for you?" I believe my exact words were "Well when you put it that way, it makes a lot of sense."

I finally saw the connection.  My dot-to-dot puzzle that had letters and numbers in a different language was translated to English.  Jesus already stepped forward and offered to take my sin on his shoulders. He offered to carry them to the Cross. To be beaten, to suffer and to die. As a punishment for MY sin. Not just everyone else in the world. But for ME.  I've spent so many years believing in the Cross.  Believing that there is healing and forgiveness and mercy.  But today, I finally understood that it is there for ME too. I've spent so long punishing myself, because I didn't comprehend what Jesus was really offering to me. "The Cross" always seemed like this big picture, abstract concept. That it applied to the world, to everyone, and that's just how it was.  Until today, I don't think I truly ever really believed that Jesus took the punishment for individuals, for every single person; and that it included me.

Because I didn't understand, and because I didn't believe it, I have resisted letting Jesus take my place. But today, everything will change. Today, for the first time, I get it.  I finally understand.  And I believe.  And I will let Jesus take the punishment for every evil deed that I have done. I will nail it to the Cross and I will finally be free.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. I'm overwhelmed, thinking about the magnitude of it all. And of course, once again, God used music to speak even louder to me.  When counseling was over, I turned the radio on. Usually I listen to a book and for a LONG time, I avoided Joy FM.  I am not the kind of person that can be living a life of sin and pretend to have it all together with God at the same time, so I usually intentionally avoided it.  But today, I turned Joy FM on and the song that was playing was "Ocean Floor" by Audio Adrenaline. One line from that song kept resonating, with regards to my sins. "They're all behind you. They'll never find you. They're on the ocean floor." It just seemed like God was trying to reinforce what I wrote this morning about forgiveness.

Immediately following that, I heard "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless, a song I had never heard before. It's as if God wanted to tell me that I can finally let go of all my fear, and give my sin and punishment to Jesus; allowing him to take my place on the Cross.



And finally, as I was pulling into my driveway with Joy FM still on, I heard Amazing Grace for the first time. Really HEARD it. With my heart. I grew up on hymns. I grew up singing that song. Whenever I sang it, I never truly appreciated the words. Of course, it's a beautiful story about redemption and freedom from sin. But I had never really experienced that kind of grace. Until today. And while I am an advocate for singing hymns the way they were written, including all six verses of Trust and Obey, I really love this version of Amazing Grace, by Chris Tomlin that adds "My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending love. Amazing grace."