Music That Moves Me - Week 2

Exactly two months ago today I was staying at my friend Jennifer's house.  Not just for the day.  Or for the night.  For several nights.  I asked Kris if he was OK with me sharing this on here, so just know that he has given his approval for me to share this.

As I mentioned in previous posts, Kris and I are in marriage counseling, and it wasn't just for the "fun" of it.  Believe me.  It's not fun!  However, it is EXTREMELY beneficial (and all the crying is very therapeutic too thanks for that Tony)!  And if you want to keep your marriage and family in tact, I highly recommend it.

A very small amount of people know "our story".  Over the years, I think that more people will hear our story and I am praying that lives and marriages will be changed, because of what Kris and I have not only endured, but have also triumphed over, through God's grace.

Two months ago, I didn't know what I wanted.  I didn't know if I wanted to be married anymore.  I didn't know how to deal with life and marriage and kids, in addition to all the other stress factors in my life at the time.  I didn't know how to be alone, but I knew that I had to choose.  Kris and the kids.  Or being alone.

It was during this time, reflecting on my life at Jennifer's, that Kris began emailing me.  His emails are etched onto my heart.  He was pursuing me.  He was wooing me.  Just like God had been trying to do.  I didn't deserve it.  He didn't deserve my love and forgiveness, and the same could be said of me.  We are fallen, broken people.  We have hurt each other deeply.  When I see marriages fall apart around me, on a monthly, if not weekly basis, I think "If Kris and I can get through what we've been through and come out stronger than ever, can't others?"  I believe that they can.  I also believe that getting out of a bad marriage isn't always the best course of action.  Please don't feel judged.  I'm not talking to or about anyone in particular.  But sometimes I feeling like divorce is the easy way out.  Or at least, we think it is.  But sooner or later, something will happen.  Something will change.  Something will not work out and we will be left more miserable than we were when we were married.  It is the nature of things.

All I really know about the transformation in our marriage is that God intervened.  God orchestrated a certain set of events that set something in motion that would change the way I would live my life these last two months.  Two months ago, I wasn't sure I wanted to go home.  I was seriously sitting at Jennifer's house, trying to figure out how I could survive on my own.  And in the midst of this, Kris was emailing me.  He was calling me.  Things he hadn't done since we were dating.  And he was saying things that he wanted, things he loved about me.  Things I never thought I would hear him say.  And in the process of those next two days, he began to win my heart back.

You see, I had pushed God over into the corner, so as not to be a hypocrite.  I wasn't going to "fake" being a Christian AND keep living a life that was not consistent with the Bible.  I had closed myself off from Kris, emotionally.  I didn't care what happened between us.  I just knew that something had to change.  That's why I went to stay with Jennifer for a few days.  I needed some time and space to figure out what I wanted.

At that point, I knew that my relationship with God was pretty much non-existent.  I wasn't anywhere close to ready to deal with THAT.  I first had to figure out if I wanted to fight for a marriage I wasn't sure could be saved.  I think that I gave up on our marriage a long time ago.  It all came to a head just over two months ago, and I made the choice to move out for a few days.

It was during this time that Kris really began to see things in a new light.  He realized that his own issues had to change and he also realized that what he really wanted was to spend his life with me.  I didn't see it at the time.  I was blinded by my own run from God.  I always say how much I hate running - but it seemed so much easier running from God, than towards him.  But upon realizing all of these, for the first time in our entire marriage, he began to communicate those things to me.  He won my heart.

So that Sunday, January 19th, I decided to go home, a day earlier than I had planned.  I was terrified.  I wasn't sure what the future would hold.  I had long since given up hope that certain things would/could change.  But I knew that I didn't want to be alone.  And that isn't my only reason for going home.  Sure there was fear about how to provide for myself, without a job or knowing what the next step was.  I'll get to the real reason I chose to go home in a minute.

But I want to go ahead and share with you my first song in my Music That Moves Me series this week.  During the time that I was staying with Jennifer, I heard a song on the radio.  It sounded so much like the things Kris was trying to tell me.  And though I wasn't sure I could believe he would ever really want me again or love me fully, I told him about the song, and it sort of became our first meaningful song together.  It's called "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz.  His song to me.  It reminded me of everything Kris seemed to be trying to show/tell me.  The line that really moves me is "When you're needing your space to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find."  Kris let me have the space I needed, waited patiently, until I came home and told him what I had found.



On February 19, 2012, I woke up with a certainty that I wanted to go home to Kris.  Not because he was willing to take me back.  Not because he was all I had.  Sure...there was some of that.  But the biggest reason I went home is because I WANTED to go home.  You see, over the two days between that Friday and the Sunday I went home, I could see and hear a complete change in Kris.  It was as if I was meeting him for the first time.  In fact, that is why we "started over" so to speak. It's why I call him my boyfriend.  Some day, we will buy each other new wedding rings and renew our vows.  This time understanding what they really mean and doing everything in our power to live by them.

While I was driving home that Sunday night, I heard a song on the radio.  I had heard it once or twice, and because it was by Christina Perri, I already loved it.  And who cares that it is on the soundtrack of Twilight.  That doesn't change the fact that the lyrics moved me to tears.  I was driving along, tears streaming down my face, understanding that the words in that song WERE MY LIFE.  They were what my heart had been searching for and they expressed my heart in away I didn't even realize at first.  The song is called "For A Thousand Years" and when we do renew our vows, I know what I will engrave on Kris' ring.



I wanted my husband back. I wanted to meet this new man, for the first time.;  I realized that I loved him so fiercely, and didn't even know it!

"I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling don't be afraid; I have loved you for a thousand years.
I'll love you for a thousand more.
And all along, I believed that I would find you.
Time has brought your heart to and I have loved you for a thousand years.
I'll love you for a thousand more."

You see...for 12 1/2 years, I really felt like I was dying every day, waiting for Kris to give me his WHOLE heart.  And I realized that even though I was scared and unsure of what the future would hold, and even more, terrified that there was no hope for change, I loved him with such ferocity.  I didn't even know it.  And in that moment, listening to the song, I knew those words depicted my heart.  And while I gave up hope about 7 years ago, I realized that deep down, I had always believed I would find him.  I love the line "Time has brought your heart to me..."  Because this is how it happened to us.  It took a long time.  It took longer than we would have liked and caused so much hurt along the way, but finally, Time (GOD) brought his heart to me, and I realized I had always loved him, and would love him for as long as I have breathe in my lungs and a beating in my heart.

And, last but not least, there is a song that has sort of become our "theme" song, if you will.  Our song.  The song that defines us and gives us hope and strength for the days to follow.  We heard it by chance and the lyrics are just amazing.  Too profound for me to put into words.  We wake up to it (and a few other important-to-us songs) every morning.  And Kris holds me while we listen.  It is a daily reminder of what we want and what we are striving for.

It's called "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt.  There are so many lyrics that jump out at me in this song and I could literally spend all night tearing it apart, breaking it down and showing you how the lines spoke to my heart.  But for now, I will just show you the video.



Favorite lines for different reasons:

--"I can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole." (I think Kris and I tried to do this for 12 1/2 years...)

--"Cause you're worth every falling tear; you're worth facing any fear. You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough. Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start." (Kris' promise to me, which brings a lot of comfort to someone who, for years, never felt like they were "worth it".)

--"I won't let sadness steal you from my arms. I won't let pain keep you from my heart. I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I'll share with you."

--"So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed. You're worth all of me. All of me."

--"You're gonna have ALL of me."

I think that's enough for today.  I had better get off of here before I start mindlessly typing gibberish.

--Or, in my case, fall asleep and find myself sitting up on the couch with my laptop still in my lap (which happens to have occurred, evidenced by the fact that this wasn't posted when I woke up on the couch at 3am).--

For more on Music That Moves Me, check out this post.