Consequences

There are always consequences for our actions.  Sometimes we get away with things easily.  Not that we get away with them so much as the repercussions aren't always in the public, for everyone to see.  Sometimes our actions affect only us.  Other times, they affect many different people, in many different ways.  There will always be consequences.  Whether you have done something good or bad, something will happen as a result.  We love when we've done something good and someone says "thank you" or we can see a life being changed.  But when we've done something bad, and the consequence comes, it's not always so "pretty".  In fact, it can be downright ugly.  For example, when you lie about something to just one person, usually it only impacts you and that person, depending on the lie.  But there are other things that carry far heavier consequences, that stretch beyond just you and the other person.  If I were to murder someone (I HAVE NO PLANS TO DO THIS), it not only affects me and said victim.  It affects the loved ones of the person killed.  It affects society and how they view the killer.  And it affects the killer's family as well.  Some actions have "greater", more obvious consequences.

And sometimes, there are actions that, while they affect many people, they can stay contained.  The consequences aren't AS widespread.  I lost a very close friend today, because of something in my past.  When she learned of it, the consequences of my actions affected her and essentially ruined our friendship, which came as no surprise.  I completely understand her telling me that our friendship could not continue.  She didn't respond to me in anger, which I am truly grateful for; I think she was more in shock than anything else right now.  I'm sure the anger will come soon enough.  But the loss of that 13 year friendship is a consequence for my actions.

In the past, I would have taken that guilt and shame for my actions, and for the following destruction of the friendship.  I would have let them weigh me down and bury me.  Suffocating me until I was just a shell of who I could be.  A week ago, I would have done this.  A week ago, I would have had a complete meltdown (including severe panic attacks), followed by harshly punishing myself over and over again (mentally) for my actions.

But something happened to me on Good Friday.  When I allowed Jesus to take my punishment, my guilt and my shame.  FREEDOM.  Freedom happened to me.  Release from all that had weighed me down.  Relief from the heavy burden I carried.  I was broken before the Lord and I allowed Jesus to take my sin.  He put it on His shoulders.  He told me that HE was strong enough to carry it.  His love was BIG enough to cover my mistakes.  To set me free.

Titus 2:14 (NLT) - "He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing good deeds."

John 8:34-36 (NLT) - "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave of sin.  A slave is not a permanent member of the family, but a son is part of the family forever.  So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.'"

And I tell you all this, not so you will wallow with me in self-pity, which I am not doing, for probably the first time in my life.  I hurt my friend.  I caused her pain.  I did something that will forever change the way that she views me.  I likely damaged our relationship beyond repair, and this is a consequence for my actions.  I recognize that and I am saddened that I hurt her and that she now has to try to come to grips with the reality of my actions.  She has to try to make sense of what happened, and there is no sense to be made.  There's no explaining it away.  There's no "fixing" it.  It happened and there is nothing I can do to change it or to soften her heart towards me.  Consequences.

The reason I tell you this is because I am at peace.  You may not realize it, but to sit here and acknowledge that, and realize that my heart and my mind are at peace (even though my body is still having mild panic attacks off and on that I can't control), is a HUGE step for me.  A leap forward, actually.  One step closer to God.  Each minute of every day, I want to keep taking steps.  I believe the enemy tried to get to me fall back into my same patterns.  To take the knowledge that I had hurt my friend deeply, and turn the pain of that upon myself.  To feel the guilt and the shame and punish myself all over again, for actions I have already punished myself for; punishment that I allowed Jesus to take for me on the Cross.  And the awesome thing is that while the thought was there, there was another thought present, that drowned out the devil's whispers.

You know what that thought was?

"Not this time Satan.  I gave that guilt and that shame to Jesus.  I confessed my sins.  He took my punishment.  He set me free.  And you will not get back into my heart and my mind with your lies.  I am truly free and there is nothing you can do to change what Jesus did for me."

And while I am still saddened at what my friend now has to experience and try to come to grips with, Christ freed me from the guilt and shame.  I can now pray, and I can pray that God will bring her peace and comfort and understanding.  I can pray that she will someday see me the way God sees me.  A sinner, who was lost, but is now found.  Covered by the blood of Jesus.  Maybe she'll forgive me someday.  Maybe what I did is too "big" for her to be able to forgive.  But I refuse to let Satan rule in my heart anymore.  He will not convince me that his lies are the truth.  Because I have been remade (that song is coming NEXT week!).  I am new creation.

One of my new favorite Bible verses is one that Kris preached about last week, on Good Friday.  It comes from Ezekiel 36:24:26 and it says, "For I will gather you up from all the nations and bring you home again to your land.  Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean.  Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols.  And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you.  I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."

God has done this for me.

I am forever grateful.