Anxiety

There are many different versions of the Bible.  My favorite is the New Living Translation.  I feel like it's more "in your face".  More harsh in some senses, and harsh isn't always bad.  Sometimes you need to see things in a new and different light.  But there is one passage that I have come to love and appreciate in the NIV translation.  And today especially, it is on my heart and I am trying to live by it. I'm not sure what it looks like or how to really accomplish it, but I have been in a constant state of panic today.  Anxious doesn't even begin to describe it.  Yes, there is Xanax, and I am truly thankful to have that.  And perhaps it is time to take it again, but I thought I would write first, pray and try to seek solace and comfort in God too.

While I am very upset that the QT I went to this afternoon did NOT have my white peach tea for me, that isn't the only reason I am anxious.  ;-)  I'm anxious over the thought of amends.  Of restitution.  What is restitution?  Doing a quick Google search, I found two definitions.

1.  The restoration of something lost or stolen to its proper owner.
2.  Recompense for injury or loss.

Amends can be described as compensation.

And while I am partly talking about making amends in some way, at some point in time with my friend that I wrote about yesterday, I am talking about more than just her.  There are other people I have hurt.  People to whom I must make amends.  It scares me.  Actually, what really scares me isn't the part where I try to compensate those that I have hurt.  What scares me is that a time will come when I have to sit down, face to face, with a few people and apologize and be vulnerable and broken before them.  It isn't their reaction that scares me.  God will do what He is going to do, and I trust that He will honor my choosing to make restitution for pain that I have caused.

What scares me is the confrontation itself.  I have NEVER been good in face to face confrontation. I usually wither into a crumbled mess of tears and am unable to speak.  And I wonder if God will one day call me to this, or if it will be another consequence for my mistakes.  It would be easy and comfortable for me to write letters to the people I have wronged.  That is why I suspect that God will not simply allow me to write my thoughts.  I don't know why I think that.  I just do.  Not that God is malicious or vindictive.  But I think that sometimes, He doesn't want us to be comfortable.  Sometimes, our actions are such that we NEED to have the courage to stand before someone and admit that we have done them wrong.  That we have caused them pain.  And while I think, when called to it, I could gather my strength, lean on HIS strength to face those people, I worry still over whether or not I will physically be capable of speaking actual words, instead of just sobbing.

All of that to say that my anxiety is pointless.  I don't have to bear this burden alone.  And to get back to my actual point in writing, I love the way that the NIV words 1 Peter 5:7, since anxiety is a very real hindrance in my life.  It says simply this:

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Other versions use the word cares.  But the NIV uses anxiety.  So what does it look like to cast my anxiety on Him?  Seriously, someone tell me what does it look like?  Enlighten me.  I am not sure how to do this!  And yet, I know that I must.  I have always let fear and anxiety control my life.  And through this process where God is making me new, He is showing me that I need to give my anxiety over to Him as well.  I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  About finding a way to take my anxiety and fears and let God care for me instead; rather than relying solely on Xanax to get me through the days and the panic attacks.  I don't know what form it takes.  Whether it is through prayer, reading the Bible, listening to hymns/praise & worship music, or all of the above.

I am not sure where to start, aside from simply acknowledging to God that I am anxious.  And asking Him to care for me.  Perhaps it is that simple.  I know that I can't just stop my medication cold turkey, but I wonder if I shouldn't use some of these times, instead of reaching for the medication bottle immediately, to cast my anxiety on God FIRST.  As I write this, "Everlasting God" by Chris Tomlin just started playing.

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.
We will wait upon the Lord.
We will wait upon the Lord"

I think I have my answer.