There is no denying that the pain I have become accustomed to has worsened since I started working. I was talking to my mom about this last night. In the last (almost) three months, my pain level has doubled. It was tolerable, while I was sitting at home doing nothing at all. Sure, it makes sense now that I think about it. Doing nothing doesn't put much strain on a person, so while I was still in pain, it was tolerable. It has become increasingly intolerable and I have been in tears several times in the last couple of weeks, due to either the pain, or frustration at never having a moment without pain.
So, I think it is no coincidence that now that I am out and working, and interacting with human beings again, that I am in so much pain. Yesterday proved to be the end of what I could tolerate. I was stirring melted chocolate, making amaretto fudge for our work "End of the World Gorging Party." When switching to my right hand, I felt something "slip" in the middle of my back, on the right. It felt about the same as the time I was reaching for sour cream and likely ruptured the lowest disc in my back, ending up in the ER and down for several days recovering. This time though, the pain was a lot higher.
I doubled over in pain, and it hurt to breathe for a few minutes. Once the pain breathing in subsided, I leaned back up to what I was doing and painfully finished the fudge. With my left hand. My right side under my shoulder hurt to bad, plus I'm left-handed anyway...
Well, my first ever novel just hit its climax and I can happily say that I am a 2012 NaNoWriMo winner! I finally have a real title for my novel, and a short synopsis. I'm pretty excited about it, even though it took a turn I never would have expected. Livvy threw up at school yesterday, and so I took advantage of the fact that my boss let me off work today to stay home with her (that lame 24 hour rule...) and I hit 50,000 words. I actually exceeded it, as the picture below will show.
I'll say this. For years, I have wanted to be a writer. I've had grand dreams of actually writing a book some day. I always imagined it would be non-fiction, believing that real life was all I knew how to write. Until I decided on November 1st to try to write a novel in a month, I never knew I had it in me to write a fictional book.
Now, 28 days later, I am almost done! Granted, there is still writing the ending, editing the entire thing, and a lot of work soliciting editors if I actually want to get it published someday. But I have a HUGE start! I am excited and proud of myself for sticking with it.
I don't know about you, but I really enjoyed the four days off of work I just had!
The food, the family, the time off--it was all very needed.
We spent Thanksgiving day with my mother-in-law and I am grateful that she took on the duties of hosting, making the turkey, supplying dessert, etc...
After counseling on Friday, we headed out to Indiana to spend some time with my family, and it was very relaxing, nine grand kids running around and all! I can't say that I am looking forward to going back to work tomorrow after these days off, but I am sure my parents will be happy to have their house back...and QUIET!
My sister-in-law has been having some health issues. She had a heart attack not long ago, just a couple of weeks. She is young, not even 40 yet, and is still having issues with her blood pressure. We saw her yesterday for dinner, but she was back in the ER today. Please say a prayer for her if you would!
Last week, my doctor prescribed Ambien CR for me. I've been on it for three nights now, and last night was the best. I slept for SEVEN hours! That is a LONG time for me!! The two nights before were both about six hours. It has been awesome sleeping at night, even though I'd rather be off of many of the medications I am on at night, but I am still having trouble adjusting to getting up in the morning. Yet another reason I am dreading having to go back to work tomorrow! I plan to take all of my medicine earlier tonight though, in the hope that it will "wear off" by 7AM. We'll see...
I can't even begin to count the multitude of kindnesses God has shown to me, especially these last 9 months. I have been home for NINE months now! Can you believe that? I am amazed. And in that time, I have rediscovered my husband, I love him more than I ever thought was possible, I am fighting for my marriage against a very powerful enemy, I found the Cross, and God's blessings have been pouring down and me and my family.
I finally got a good job that is actually quite stress-free, and in retrospect, I see now why God placed me in this company, with this job. I needed something low-key as Kris and I continue to heal and I continue to grow spiritually. I also needed something that would "work with" my constant pain, and if I were in a more stressful environment, the pain (no doubt) would be even greater. Kris' business is finally beginning to get the growth we've been praying for, so maybe in a year, we'll be able to put the kids back in private school. Keep praying for that!
But one of my favorite blessings is all the amazing music I have discovered along the way. I got to see Chris August perform "Battle" and some of my other favorites at the TobyMac concert. More recently, I had the chance to see Matt Maher and Brandon Heath perform. Friday night was a night I had been eagerly anticipating. The songs by both of these men have moved me to tears on multiple occasions and filled my heart with hope and joy and peace. I have loved their music and was happy to have the opportunity to go with my mother-in-law and son to this concert. We had been planning it since the concert was announced, and I was really looking forward to it.
Last night, I was home with the kids and we were watching TV together. Livvy started asking about a movie. She was saying, "When are we going to watch the second movie?"
I said, "What movie?"
She said, "You know, the one with the girl whose friend wants her to die?"
I think I mentioned before how Katherine called me selfish. Who me? Never! totally true!
When we got tickets to go see Toby Mac for Katherine's birthday with Grandma, who got to go? Me.
When we got Brandon Heath/Matt Maher tickets for Kaleb and Grandma? Who gets to join? Me. (And that's tomorrow night by the way! Cannot wait!!!)
And when Katherine won tickets on JoyFM to see the Rams game on Sunday, with a Switchfoot concert afterwards, who would be going? Yeah, you guessed it. None other than me! And Katherine of course-she did win the tickets after all.
But over the weekend, I started thinking about trying to park downtown just how much I loved my husband. I thought about the crowds at the arena how great our marriage has become and how much I adore him. I thought about how grateful I am for Kris and that Switchfoot is always best at the pageant I really wanted to do something nice for him. So, with only a little complete selflessness, I told Kris that he should take Katherine to the game and Switchfoot. I listed off all of the reasons he should go:
Yesterday I hit 25,000 words on my novel. It's day 11 of NaNoWriMo, and I am making good progress. My story keeps changing and my plot and characters are inconsistent. Ridiculously inconsistent. BUT...the thing with NaNo (I can call it that-all the cool kids are!) is to just write. With reckless abandon, pour it out on paper. Or pretend, virtual paper on a computer. Don't worry about editing (difficult for someone who is annoyed at the use of improper grammar/spelling-which of course, is certainly NOT ME it's totally me), and just write. Write whatever comes into your head and keep moving forward. So that is what I have been doing and with the month only 1/3 of the way over, I am at the halfway point for the 50,000 words goal.
The funny and cool thing about writing a novel is that the story can change without warning. Your characters can do something you didn't expect, or your story can change entirely. Remember that sample I gave you the other day? Well, it's not even in this novel! My current word count is 14,700, so I am definitely on track to hit 50,000 words before the end of the month. I find this whole process to be quite enjoyable. That is an understatement if I've ever written one!! I think about my book while I'm working (though I'm still giving 100% at my job-which I love by the way-physical pain aside). I wrote over 3000 words today, in about an hour and a half. That's been the pace I've been at since I started six days ago. I never even knew I had this story inside of me. And the sample I gave you in my last post is irrelevant. And I think I'm going to have to change my title too, but I am not sure to what...it's going to have to go in a different book.
I recently participated in a blogging half-marathon on my other blog. Since I completed that, I decided that I would go ahead and take a leap. Starting today, I will be participating in the NaNoWriMo. If you aren't familiar with this, it stands for National Novel Writing Month. It is much as it sounds. A month of individuals writing novels, across the nation. The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel by November 30th. Maybe that sounds crazy, but if you break it down by the day, it takes just 1,667 words each day.
So, I am up for the challenge. Busy with the new job, writing my blogs, juggling schedules, and all. I will write on my lunch break. I've needed something to do anyway for an hour, and now I have NO excuses. I can write some mornings before I go to work. I can write on the weekend. I can write whenever and wherever I choose, really.
"I'm going to reach in there and slap her in the face. I can do that with this new U-verse, right?"
I said as the person on The Food Network show was annoying me.
So we finally got rid of Charter. U-verse is finally in our area and we have actual TV channels again. Granted, it's only for 30 days (free trial) because we aren't paying $70 for TV, but we'll be able to watch The Cardinals as they (hopefully) make it back to The World Series. I'm a very fickle sports fan. I follow the St. Louis teams only when they are doing something good. I really can't tolerate baseball beyond that. The games are too long and too boring.
I have to just say, I love my family.
I mean...I REALLY love my family.
Kris and Katherine were having a discussion this evening.
So, I mentioned briefly in the last post that I got a job.
There are some reasons I haven't written too much about it.
The superficial, untrusting-of-God part of me is nervous that I'll get fired after three days for no apparent reason.
The other part of me is wanting to be professional and make sure that I am presenting this new company I am working for in the best light. By not mentioning their name and details, etc...
For the millionth time in 6 months. (I just realized that tomorrow will be SIX MONTHS since I fell apart at the foot of the Cross, and gave my guilt and shame to Jesus. There WILL be celebrating!)
I've come to accept this. These tears. And sometimes I LONG for this to happen to me.
I embrace the tears and all of the emotions they bring.
While brushing our teeth this morning, I found myself reflecting on all of those old TV shows (and some new ones) that show couples brushing their teeth together. Kris was brushing his teeth. I was brushing mine. So, in between brushes and with a mouth full of foaming toothpaste, I said "We're like those couples on TV who brush their teeth together."
He responded, mouth full of toothpaste as well, with "We don't have two sinks."
I ammended my statement to "We're like those POOR couples on TV who brush their teeth together!"
We have dinner with my mother-in-law on Monday nights. Generally, because I take the kids to Cindy's, Kris takes them home, since we have to drive two separate vehicles. Tonight, they were listening to the Bible on the way home, apparently.
Kris came in this evening and told me, very quietly, "We were listening to Exodus. There is some bad stuff in there."
I'm sitting here, listening to the thunder outside, feeling quite content. Of topic...this is my 900th post on this blog.
The house looks like a cross between a tornado and a war zone is somewhat clean, the kids aren't home from school yet, I have a candle burning that smells like Christmas, my white peach tea next to me, and life is good.
I took a brief blogging hiatus, both from here and from Loving When It Hurts, to go camping.
Have I ever mentioned that I hate camping I'm not the camping type?
This day did not go the way I had planned. I am currently sitting in the emergency room with my eleven year old son. I am watching him writhe in extreme pain. It started this morning, when Kaleb told me his stomach hurt. He didn't seem too burdened by it, so I sent him to school.
Then, I had grand plans for how the day was going to go. I would check Facebook, catch up on The Voice, and spend several hours writing for all my screaming fans!
As human plans typically go, my day did anything but go according to plans!
When I got my new Android tablet, it came with $25 to the Google Play store. Perfect! Since Katherine won't let me illegally obtain music from the library anymore, I have to BUY any music that I want. I knew immediately that I wanted a Brandon Heath album. I wound up with that, a couple of Matthew West albums, and a Jason Gray album (plus a couple extra songs). And yes, I may have gone over the $25 by about $10.
That's how they get you.
They lure you in.
Just like the casinos..."Here have $25. Then get greedy and spend even more. We know you will!"
Tonight is one of those horrible nights where I've been struggling to fall asleep. At first I felt my mind being attacked by the enemy's arrows. Kris prayed with me and we listened to a couple of songs. And the enemy had to flee! Don't you just love that about our amazing God?
So now, I'm watching Walk the Line because my first choice, While You Were Sleeping, seems to have wandered off. I love comfort movies!
My baby turns 7 tomorrow...well...today I guess. I cannot believe how fast time goes by or how blessed I am. God has been so good to me and my family. Sometimes I ask God "Why me?" And do you know what happens next?
I believe God smiles at me affectionately and says "Jamie, I love you. And I'm not finished with you yet."
But check out these lyrics! I'll provide the video too, of course. These words seem to really speak to my heart and where I was when God got a hold of me on Good Friday.
You know, as Kris and I share our story more and God moves in and through us, I feel compelled to, at the very least, use the talents God has given me and write about what He has done in my marriage when I'm not speaking about it.
Over the last few days, I have come to believe that I am supposed to start this "writing ministry" and spin off from this blog. So, I have begun writing in both places. If you follow me on Facebook, this shouldn't impact you too much, because I still plan to give you a link when I have a new post up (regardless of which blog it's on).
However, if you are following me here through Google Friend Connect or via email, and you WANT to continue to see what God is doing in my marriage specifically, please follow me at my new blog Loving When It Hurts. I have ONE whole follower right now. Thanks Heidi!! ;-)
I can honestly (with some degree of shame) say that in 11 years, I have never once shed a tear listening to any of the 9/11 coverage or stories. I have never wept listening to someone's story from that day.
Until today.
It isn't that I'm not a patriotic person (though I am not highly patriotic).
It isn't that I am cold and unfeeling (though in certain scenarios we all know that I am!).
I think that it is easy for those of us who are far away from the scenario, who did not lose anyone we knew, to be just that...far away. It was an awful time for our nation. Yes, of course I felt sadness because of the lives lost and those left to carry on without their loved ones. It was a tragic moment in our nation's history.
Is anyone else finding that in place of after-school activities, more and more activities are taking place BEFORE school?
No?
Just me?
When Abbey came home and dramatically begged me to be in drama club, I was not about to deny her that privilege. I responded with an enthusiastic 'yes!' because she was SO excited and said it with such FLAIR. Additionally, it is FREE.
I can remember, as a child getting in trouble for sitting in the craziest positions, especially at the dinner table. I always had to have my legs up or hanging over a chair, or folded up in some odd position. Kris tells me he had the same problem. But Kris got an award in 8th grade; he thinks it was for something like "101 Ways To Sit".
And to entertain and annoy us, God has blessed us with a child who shows us just what our parents went through with us.
"There's a battle between good and evil, and it's raging inside of me. There's struggle: it's God and the devil. It's Love against the enemy."
I mentioned in a previous post that Kris and I were asked to share our story at a workshop this coming weekend. We've talked briefly about what we would say. What we would add that we didn't have time to say when we gave our testimony at church. What we could do, the format, etc...bits and pieces here and there.
Kris and I were asked to share our story at High Hill Family Camp, coming up in September. We readily accepted. Sharing our testimony in church on Sunday was just the beginning. Kris and I both feel God moving us forward, ready to use our broken, hopeless marriage that HE remade. We have been brainstorming possible "titles" for the workshop, and since we can't decide, I thought I would give my readers a chance to give some input.
I have my Christmas "Holiday Wreath" candle burning so that it smells like Christmas in my house, instead of the mold - which we cannot seem to locate. Anyone know how to locate mold?
I NEED to clean my house and I am hoping that getting in the Christmas mindset will help. It's a trick I play on myself from time to time when the house looks like a tornado went through it. And we're only focusing on the living room today.
Of course, you're asking "How can you be cleaning and blogging at the same time?" I'm very talented. I'm waiting for the kids to get home. I'm not dealing with THEIR mess on my own!!
Katherine is already home, but doing her homework. Oh no! She has to READ for homework. The poor kid! What a great homework assignment! I wish I had that homework. When I told Katherine the Christmas plans she added "Christmas cookies!" and I said, "Um...we'll see..." which means "Yeah...right..." More like Christmas pizza that dad picks up from Little Caesars!
I had a phone interview yesterday for a call center here in the St. Louis area. Not to be confused with the call center that threw me under a bus and then backed up and proceeded to drive over me twelve times until I was good and dead. I think it went well, but who knows. If they "like" me, the hiring director will call me by next Monday for a face to face interview. The pay is only $11/hour which of course, I'll take. It's what we need to get by. Do I want to hold out for something a little higher? Of course. Will I take pretty much any job at this point? You know it...
Today I drove to Eureka to take what I thought was a 'typing test'. I was told it was a typing test. It is for one of the school districts (for secretarial positions) and while I wasn't thrilled about driving 45 minutes to Eureka just to show off my mad typing skills, if it helps me get a job, why not? I almost didn't go, but at my dear husband's urging, I sighed heavily and did it anyway.
I should have run from the room when I saw the calculator, pen and a sheet of paper with mysterious looking numbers. Wait...is that a MATH test??? Maybe that is for someone else...because I am here strictly for a typing test.
No. The math test WAS for me.
Not only did I take a math test. I was also tested on my ability to match/find the difference between words/numbers, spelling and vocabulary. Oh, and I also took a typing test too.
They didn't score my math test, which is just as well. Even with a calculator, I fear I may have failed it. She said they were primarily interested in getting the other information (spelling, vocab, typing, etc...).
Here was the breakdown:
Matching - 30/30
Vocabulary - 20/20
Spelling - 19/20 (WHAT??? I have no clue which one I missed but I would like to contest it...)
Typing - 72 WPM with NO errors. Yeah! That's right!!
I wish that testing alone would secure me a job!!! But unfortunately, I was told that the principals look at internal candidates first, and THEN move on to the online candidates if necessary.
For now, I wait.
And...since the Christmas children are home, the Christmas cleaning shall commence.
For the first time in 13 years, Kris and I are living in a freedom that we have never known before.
And it is absolutely amazing!!
Six months ago today I chose to go home and fight for my marriage.
And I can stand (sit) here now and proclaim that it was the best decision I have EVER made. I am more in love with my husband now that I ever thought possible. I love that pornography no longer has any power in his life. I love that I am no longer dependent upon anyone but God to satisfy my needs, physical and emotional.
No one but God, THE God, can perform the miracle that has taken place in our marriage.
We were as broken as broken gets.
We were lost, hurting, broken people.
Our marriage was more like a bloodied battlefield after a war, the stench of death everywhere.
It was then, in the midst of that deep, dark place that God rescued us.
I wake up every day incredibly grateful and filled with this inexplicable joy that can only come from God.
THIS is living.
This is true life.
This is drinking from the living water that only God can offer.
I'm ALIVE!
And it is so much better than I could have ever imagined.
There are, of course, two songs that have been really significant in this past week leading up for this six month anniversary of sexual sobriety. The first one was played at church this morning (our request), after Kris and I stood up in front of our church family and gave just a brief testimony of everything that we have been through and what God has done. I imagine that given an opportuntiy, Kris and I could fill at least an hour or two sharing the hurts, the healing and the power of God, as He redeemed us from captivity. If you are interested in hearing the testimony we gave this morning, I believe it was recorded-so I am told. Once I find out if it is online, I'll let you know (if you've told me you want to hear it), so that you can hear Kris and I talk about what God has done in our lives and our marriage.
But anyway, here is my favorite song right now, that speaks about this redemption from sin and shame and guilt. It couldn't be more perfect for where we were, where we are right now, and where God is leading us. It is called "Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave. Please listen to this song. God doesn't want to just redeem Kris and me. If you are unsure of your relationship with God, or you are afraid His love can't extend to you, believe me when I tell you that it can. It does. God loves you more than you will ever be able to fully grasp and I just want to stand on a mountaintop and proclaim that for all the world to hear. But, since I hate hiking, I'll just "shout" from this blog.
The second song is also a newer one, to me anyway. I have no idea when it came out but I absolutely love it. It is my prayer. It is how I feel each day. It encompasses what God has done in my heart. It is also a very powerful song.
There is something else I wanted to share with you tonight before I sign off.
I took my wedding rings off the night I left home, just over six months ago. Because I had NOT removed them at all while involved in a life of sin over the last seven years, I cannot wear them. When I see them, I am disgusted. I can't look at my engagement ring and wedding band without feeling sick to my stomach.
Instead of a pleasant reminder of my wedding day, they haunt me.
They became a part of my old life.
The old Jamie.
They have no place in this new life I am living.
Because of that, I was not wearing any ring on my finger for a while. Kris finally gave me his because it didn't fit him anyway and he wanted me to have something on my 'ring finger'. So I wore his and we would (presumably) wait patiently for the day that he could buy me a new 'engagement' ring and we could exchange new wedding bands when we renew our vows (likely in 2014-hopefully!!)
However, it bothered me that Kris didn't have a ring to wear anymore. For the last couple of months I've been trying to think of a way to save money to buy him an inexpensive band that can take the place of the band I will eventually buy for him. Since I'm horrible at saving money, especially when there isn't a lot to spare, I thought I'd just have to wait.
Until yesterday, that is.
I took my jewelry and headbands that I make (Little Bishop Creations) to Jesus Fest in Granite City, IL yesterday. While there, I was next to another vendor who sold specialty jewelry. Dog tags. Guitar picks on a chain, to wear as a necklace, etc... I suddenly had a thought (about 5 hours into the day!) "Wait. What if I can find a ring for him over there?"
And of course, you guessed it...I did. And for $20, I couldn't pass it up. I was SO excited about this ring! I can't wait to show it to you. It was really perfect for him. For us. And wouldn't you know it...I would find one for me (also just $20) that matches his. So now, we both have replacement rings and I am wearing his wedding ring on my right hand now. You may not fully understand the significance behind these new rings, but Kris and I do, so that is all that matters.
Faith, Hope, and Love. Those are the words written on my ring. And I just love that HOPE is the word in the center. Because that is what I had lost for so long. And I am so full of hope now!
Isn't this cool? It has the Hebrew on the outside (you read Hebrew right to left in case you wanted a little tidbit of knowledge there...) and then the inside says "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." Since Kris has such a great love for Biblical languages, the fact that this ring was even there, and that furthermore it had THAT verse on it...well...if you know us and our story, you can see why it was the perfect ring!
That is the only word that I can think of to even begin to describe what I am feeling right now. And really, when you look at the definition, it fits perfectly.
"Anger or annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair treatment."
Here is the truth.
I am angry.
I am annoyed.
And I most certainly was treated unfairly; it is not simply a perception in this instance.
I'm so frustrated right now I could pump my fists in the air and scream. OK...well, maybe just the part where I scream. But I am envisioning myself pumping my fists in the air, angrily screaming about the injustice of this entire job situation.
I asked Kris to watch to make sure the temp agency actually payed me. You see, I don't trust them. I didn't from the start. Perhaps the run down condition of the building, the lack of a real "office" type setting, and the people that made me feel uneasy should have been enough to send me running the other direction.
But I needed a job. And if this agency had something for me, I'd at least go interview.
Well, by now most of you reading this blog already know the outcome.
But what about my paycheck?
Here was my concern.
I signed something saying that if I didn't work at this job for 30 days that I would be responsible for the background check and the drug test.
Please do not misunderstand me.
I understand WHY I had to sign that. I understand that if I hadn't signed it, I wouldn't have been able to work.
What I don't understand is why there is a $70 wage garnishment on my paycheck because the company that started to train me didn't think "my personality fit with theirs". Which we all know was just an excuse. Most of the people I have talked with do not think that this was just because they saw me as a potential health risk.
What the general consensus seems to be is this:
I was a threat.
Plain and simple.
I halfway believe that.
I asked a LOT of questions. I wanted to make sure that I did the very best that I could and that I understood my role completely.
Well, guess what...
These people make commission.
So, if they see someone who could potentially take away from something they felt belonged to them, or they felt threatened that I may eventually take over their job (I'm told this is not uncommon), of course they would come up with some lame excuse about my personality. If you know me, you know I have a terrific personality and would be great to work with. If you've worked with me and don't think that, you're wrong. ;-)
Anyway...my understanding, when I signed this document was that if I started working for this company and chose to quit because I didn't like it or got a better job offer in those first 30 days, I would be responsible for those costs that the temp agency incurred. That makes sense. They are protecting their interests.
HOWEVER...
How on earth is it fair to hold me responsible for a company not finding me to be "compatible" with them? It really makes me wonder how often this type of nonsense happens with what I already felt was a shady temp agency to begin with. How many companies are they buddy-buddy with, and how many other people desperate for jobs being punished when something like this happens?
If I had done something WRONG to provoke being "let go" by the call center, then I could understand it. But I didn't do ANYTHING wrong. They said they didn't like my personality. Whatever. They had their reasons. But it isn't my fault. I wasn't lazy. I wasn't disrespectful. I wasn't anything that would warrant their sudden, inexplicable dismissal.
In my opinion, the temp agency should try to place me somewhere else. They should give me another opportunity to work with a company that values me and knows my worth, BEFORE they garnish my wages by $70.
And, to make matters more irritating to me, they didn't use the direct deposit they had me set up. They mailed me a check. Maybe it's because I got "fired". I don't know. But I was told that the money would be deposited into my account. When I got off the phone with the lady from the temp agency last week, she said she would "keep looking for something" for me.
I felt this at the time. And I feel it now. That lady is NEVER going to call me back.
I'm not going to fight the $70. I know that I signed a document stating that I could be held responsible for these things if I didn't work for 30 days. But when it isn't my choice, when I am not ALLOWED to work for 30 days, I do not think that I should have to pay for it. Especially if the company is planning to keep looking for a job for me (which I don't really think they are).
The whole thing just leaves me with this feeling of indignation.
It's not right.
What happened to me.
In a moral sense.
I have no faith in either the temp agency or respect for the call center after the way that they both treated me. And you can believe that if I ever do work with a temp agency again:
#1. It will not be with the creepy one.
and
#2. I will be asking up front what happens and what charges I am responsible for before considering any job, on the off chance that whoever I work for doesn't like me.
Also, while I'm venting...
Since I paid for those things, shouldn't I get possession of both the background check AND the drug test results? I bought them after all.
This all just leaves me frustrated all over again and just shaking my head at what happened.
And now that I have written about it, I can commence getting over it all over again. At least I have the good sense not to defame them by mentioning their names at all. I'm not that stupid, or that bitter. It's not right of me to do that, but I do have a right to express my opinion on the matter.
Up until about a month and a half ago, I had planned to home school. I kept pestering Kris. "When can I buy the curriculum?" and "Can I buy it now?" For one reason or another, he kept putting it off. I don't say this to cast him in a negative light. I honestly believe that God was holding him back. After all, we didn't have the money for the curriculum. New OR used.
When Kris approached me with our ever-increasing debt and need to increase our income to make sure all the bills continue to be paid, he was trying to figure out a way to make it work. His company is still struggling. There are good things on the horizon, but things aren't moving fast enough (for us humans anyway...) The company isn't growing at the rate we would have liked. Kris puts in a lot of hours, even when he isn't in the office. He is constantly thinking of ways to increase business. He brings work home with him. The last three weekends in a row it seems that he has had an urgent business matter to at least discuss, if not spend several hours resolving. I know that it is necessary and ultimately it may be for the best of the company. But it does happen from time to time. He is putting in ten hour days now IN THE OFFICE, which we don't necessarily agree upon, but if he thinks it is necessary, I will trust him.
So, I hope that no one is sitting there thinking "Why doesn't he just get a second job?" He's working 50+ hours with his day job, and he has a client he works for on the side as well. And, he has us. He has never been willing to compromise time with us. I have always loved that about him.
When we began talking about what we could do, I am the one that said "Kris, I can get a job." I suggested that we put the kids in public school. I hate to see him worry about money and if I can do something about it, I will. And the most practical thing for me to do is to get a job. Not the easiest, as I am finding out, but the best thing for us financially right now.
I feel this need to defend my decision. And really, I shouldn't have to. What I choose to do for my kids and their education is my business. It's just that I have been hearing a lot of "What happened to home school?" and "I thought you were going to home school." And I'm not irritated or frustrated. Not like I was a couple of years ago when told that it was NOT God's will for ME to put MY kids in public school. God chose to provide then, and He is providing now. It is just not in the form of private school or me teaching the kids at home. And I am OK with that. So, I shouldn't have to even write this post, and yet I feel like I do.
Look at it as an update.
No, I am not home schooling my kids after all.
Yes, they are in the public school system.
No, I am not worried about them or the quality of their education.
Do you seriously think that after everything God has brought us through, we can't trust Him with our kids too???
And I am thrilled to report that this first week has gone smoothly. The kids (especially Kaleb, which is HUGE!) are adjusting well and making new friends. Kaleb and Abbey for sure have already had several conversations with their friends about God and Christianity. I LOVE IT! My kids are on a mission field. And God will take care of them.
So, if any of you are worried about my kids, STOP.
God is good.
God is faithful.
He will continue to pour out His love and mercy and blessings.
And yes...He can still do this with our kids in public school.
God, Kris and I are good with this - so if you are not, you'll just have to take that up with God.
We now return to our regularly scheduled blogging...
Today is the first time I have had a panic attack in quite some time. I think the enemy is playing with me. I think he is trying to launch any attack at me that he can. He doesn't like where I am headed. He doesn't like where Kris and I are headed. He wants to keep me down. He wants to distract me from the fact that Kris and I are approaching SIX months of what we are calling "sobriety". For both of us. This is a HUGE deal!!
And I think that Satan knows it.
I think he knows that we are claiming victory over sin and walking in the light.
And he is NOT happy.
Today I started thinking, in the midst of the roiling in my stomach, that the sleep paralysis is somehow related to stress. Some others have suggested that, and while I didn't feel anxious or stressed, it isn't beyond the realm of possibility that it was manifesting itself through sleep for me. And today, now that I've been sleeping better (4-5 hours at night anyway, with no nightmares) for the last few days, my stress of not having a job is turning into a full blown panic attack. Which is ridiculous because I have NO doubt that God will provide for our needs, and don't feel 'stressed'.
Thank God (really, I'm praising Him!) for Kris. I sent him a chat telling him I was feeling anxious. He left for lunch and called me, talked to me, and prayed for me. And while I am still feeling anxious...
I am so blessed.
Some days I cannot believe how much God has done in our marriage, and in my heart personally over the last six months. Some days I have no words. Songs still come on and reduce me to tears. And I welcome them, songs and tears alike. I am still FEELING.
Everything.
I am still overwhelmed by God's love and goodness.
And His redemption.
As I sat here typing, this song was playing:
I love the lyrics to this song.
This is my prayer today-that I can rest in the comfort of God's arms and cast my cares on Jesus.
Because He cares for me.
------------------------
He became sin, who knew no sin
That we might become His righteousness
He humbled Himself and carried the Cross
Love so amazing
Love SO amazing
Jesus Messiah
Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel
The rescue for sinners
The ransom from heaven
Jesus Messiah
Lord of all
His body, the bread
His blood, the wine
Broken and poured out all for love
The whole earth tremble and veil was torn
Love so amazing
Love SO amazing
Jesus Messiah
Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel
The rescue for sinners
The ransom from heaven
Jesus Messiah
Lord of all
All our hope is in You
All our hope is in You
All the glory to You, God
The light of the world
Jesus Messiah
Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel
The rescue for sinners
The ransom from heaven
Jesus Messiah
Lord of all
So it was shocking even to me when I took out the dry erase board Kris had downstairs and starting marking on it. With dry erase markers. Want to see what I did???
Now, before I show it to you and you make fun of me and my crooked lines, keep in mind that I am LEFT-handed and I had to work from right to left. By the way, thanks to my friend Jaime, I now am privileged to know that today is Left Handers Day. Raise a glass to left-handed people everywhere. I am currently accepting QT gift cards and/or job offers making $11/hour or more.
With that being said, keep in mind that a feat like this is next to impossible for a left-handed person. But, because we are left-handed, WE can do anything we set our minds to. Perhaps that is also why I am so determined. W. C. Fields said "If the left side of the brain controls the right side of your body, and the right side of your brain controls the left side of your body, then left-handed people must be the only ones in their right minds."
Ta da!
So...the idea behind this is that the kids will start earning their computer time. Last year, we had a rule. No computer on school days. But since then, Katherine has really started emailing her friends and well, we thought we would take a different approach. It was mainly Kaleb's idea and I figured out the details.
At the beginning of the week, they will start with 30 minutes. If they do not get in ANY trouble at school, they will earn 15 minutes for the day. They can only use their earned minutes in 15 minute increments. Then after 15 minutes are up, they have to ask if they can use more-and we can decide depending on what we have going on whether or not they can use more.
They can LOSE minutes too. Abbey lost 10 minutes today because of different "attitude" problems we were having. The check marks at the bottom will start over each day. They can earn 'bonus' minutes-either from school or from me and Kris. And if they make POOR choices at school, they will also lose minutes. At the end of the week (Sunday night), if they have minutes left, they will get a penny for each minute unused.
Kris and I have been doing a LOT of talking tonight. We have been talking almost non-stop since about 5:50pm. We did stop long enough to spend some time with the kids before putting them in bed, but then it was back to talking.
You see, when something happens, I have to talk the life out of it, in order to cope/deal/move on. Oh and of course, THEN I have to write about it-the final part of the grieving and/or healing process for me.
Three days ago I told you how my life was turned upside down. I was out of work. Then suddenly, someone finds my resume. They send it to a call center. One person in particular really wanted me to come in for an interview. So I dropped any plans I may have had and interviewed there on Tuesday morning. I didn't interview with the guy who pulled my resume. Instead, I interviewed with a very nice woman, who seemed to really like me. I thought the interview went extremely well. I mean, they basically offered me the job right then and there.
So I immediately change all my plans for the week (which were to get everything ready for school to start on Monday), and started my training on Wednesday morning, two days behind. By the end of the day Wednesday, I was completely caught up with all three days. So, yesterday, we all were trained at the same place/level. I was feeling good. I was getting along with everyone in the office. My fellow trainees, the trainers, and the people I sat with to listen in on their calls.
I felt like this job was a true blessing from God. I mean, the way it all just worked out and fell into place, once I found out the Ritenour job was offered to someone else. It seemed that the company was eager to have me on their team. In fact, I really felt like part of the team already, just three days in.
So, imagine my shock when the temp agency called me about ten minutes after I left work and told me that the call center called and told them that it just wasn't going to work out. I wasn't a good fit.
Wait...
What?
Back up a second...
What just happened?
Oh...I got fired.
For the very first time ever!
And I certainly hope it is the last, because that is NOT a pleasant experience.
I lost it. I mean...mind racing, tears streaming, frantic phone call to my husband...
After all the energy and effort I put into making my schedule work so that I could join in their training class, catch up from being two days behind, and being told that I would fit right in there (by one of the trainers...); not to mention the sleep paralysis I had been dealing with most of the week and screwing up my same stupid knee again last night...I was taken aback.
At no point was there ever ANY indication that I was doing something wrong. I did not get a feeling of discontentment there. In fact, I was very eager because I knew that this was the type of work I could excel in. Ask any client/vendor/boss that has ever worked with me and I can guarantee that 9 out of 10 of them will tell you that I am a valuable asset. I don't say that to be arrogant. I say it because of all the things I feel I fall short in, WORKING is not one of them. In fact, one of the reasons I enjoy having a job outside of the home is because I know that I can excel.
And though I know you don't need proof, I just want to share with you the recommendations I received on LinkedIn, from two bosses (yeah Kris is one of them), three vendors I built relationships with, and one client from when I worked for ICS. I take a lot of pride in doing a good job for whatever company I am with and these comments below are proof of that.
“I have known Ms. Bishop for over three years and during that time we have worked together on various property and casualty claims. Ms. Bishop has always conducted herself professionally in a business like but charming and friendly manner. If asked, I would hire her in a minute. Probably less. Sincerely, Lawrence M. Abrams, president Raleigh Farnswortth & Abrams, Inc. ProNet International, Inc. ProNet International Gifts & Scholarships, Inc."
Top qualities: Great Results, High Integrity, Creative
“Jamie embodies the whole premise of the company she works for as being a problem solver for us. Most often when I would call on Jamie, it was not routine and usually very problematic with lots of obstacles. I would drop this huge mess right in her lap and tell her to take care of it with full confidence I could step away and know that our customers were in good hands. It didn't matter what the clock said either. It is a relief to have her in our corner. Trust is somthing earned and she has ours.”
“Jamie is one of the few people I know who are dependable and very knowledgeable in her field. If I had a position in my company, I would have Jamie with me. I have 50 years experience so I do not say this lightly. Jamie will be a welcome addition to anyone fortunate enough to hire her."
“Jamie is an extremely efficient and dedicated worker who was relied on heavily to get things done. She worked hard to build relationship with our clients and was very conscientious of her responsiblities and duties. She was an asset to our organization.”
“I worked with Jamie for well over 4 years and dealt with her in her position of Dispatch Manager at Innovative Claims Service, LLC. Jamie was always pleasant to deal with and was efficient in delivering information needed to solve an insurance claim whether it was simple or complex. She would be a valuable asset to any company she chooses to work with. Elaine Warsinger owner/operator, Frontier Adjusters of Trenton/Princeton NJ”
“Some may think that I am biased, as Jamie is my wife; but I can truly say as her former employer and not her husband that Jamie would be an amazing asset at any company that she finds herself at. She has the right kind of work ethic and strives to excel at whatever she does. She is bright and personable. This translates into her not being thwarted when she encounters a complex problem, making smart decisions, and being able to effectively communicate with customers and vendors in such a way that keeps everything on task and moving forward.”
So, you combine that with the fact that the call center ASKED the temp agency to hire me for a dollar more/hour, and we're all like "Um...huh?"
We could talk all day long about WHY.
We'll never get an answer.
And I'll never fully understand what happened.
The thing that I struggle with the most is NOT that I lost a job that our family desperately needed.
What I am struggling with is hurt. I can't stand when people don't like me!! And they obviously didn't like them.
When I pressed the temp agency to see if they expounded on WHY they didn't want me, without even letting me finish the training to see how I would manage on my own, they simply (according to her) told her that I didn't have the right personality.
Um...have you met me? OK, I know. Some of you haven't actually met me.
But almost every single person I interacted with there was very like myself in personality.
With one exception.
I'm a Christian. I did talk to one of the other trainees briefly about JoyFM and we may or may not have mentioned the word "Jesus". But it did not interfere with our work and it wasn't something we said loudly or anything like that. But you know what? If THAT is why they don't like me...well, that's not my problem. That's theirs.
If it was because I have what is likely STILL a torn meniscus in the same knee I had surgery on two years ago, which I was asked about and responded about briefly, or the fact that I have degenerative disc disease, which I didn't really tell them about...or all the meds I take to keep from dying in sheer agony...which I also didn't flaunt...well...there's nothing I can say or do about that. They are still missing out because those things don't affect my performance (when the pain is under control as it is now-and even when it wasn't for the most part).
I didn't have a chance to show them how good I would be at multitasking. Was I concerned about the workload when I listened to some of the reps go from call to call to call without stopping or having time to note files? Sure. Did I think I would be unable to handle it? Absolutely not!! But, they didn't even give me enough time so that I could demonstrate my capabilities.
So, why is the title of this post "Doors and Windows", as you sit here reading 40 minutes later? You are still reading, aren't you???
There's that famous saying "When God closes one door, He opens another." I am not sure that believe in that statement 100%. But before I explain what I believe, Kris and I were sitting outside discussing this statement. He and I are processing this "loss" very differently, as men and women tend to do. So we were talking about this thought and he was talking about trying to understand how God (seemingly) opened this door up wide, then slammed it in my face.
I told Kris that it was more like God opened a door, I walked into it and it slammed behind me, and then I got thrown OUT of the window by the company! And of course, we laughed. Because I'm so funny. Something else they are missing out on.
Here's what it boils down to.
The job and how it came about so suddenly was a blessing from God. But, there is obviously some place else that I am supposed to be. Maybe it was just an experience I needed to have. Maybe something about the company is just "too good to be true" and in the end, I would wind up disappointed. Maybe because my walk with Christ (with a REAL understanding of the Cross) is still in the baby stage, this place would have been a negative influence in my life that I didn't need.
Regardless of the reason, I am content. Have I spent some time crying because they don't like me for one reason or another?
Sure.
Shortly after this all happened I read this status on Facebook and I thought it was just so fitting and so very true:
Cleaning out some stuff and found a paper that Great wrote. She is my grandma, who we called Great and lived to be 100 years old. She wrote, "We should be thankful for our tears: They prepare our eyes for a clearer vision of God."
Isn't that great?!?
Did I expect them to go from acting as if they were really excited to have me straight to "You're fired."?
Yeah, not so much.
I'm just riding the waves.
It's rolling and I am just along for the ride. God will provide for our needs. Of that I am sure.
So, I'm relaxing this weekend (sort of at least...I hope) and then Monday I will begin the job hunt again. I have learned some things not to say or do. Like be myself. Kris and I were talking about this. How, in these temp to hire jobs, you have to essentially hide the real you to get the job you want. I do not do that...
I don't know what God has in store for me but I know that He will provide.
What are your thoughts?
After I posted this, I heard a song that I just had to add to this post, because it describes exactly the way we should react in situations like this and my heart is at peace. Hearing this song was a comfort and confirmation that I am where I need to be and trusting God is the right move.
It's the only word I can think of to describe my day.
My day started much like it did yesterday.
With nightmares.
At 4am.
It's called sleep paralysis. I have now officially self-diagnosed. I've had these nightmares, this sleep paralysis. It's a real thing. If you don't know what I am talking about, HOPE that you NEVER have this happen to you. It is terrifying!! For me, it is typically very dark. I cannot move my head or hands or body at all. Sometimes I can't even blink.
Most of the time my eyes are closed. I will see (when eyes are open) or hear voices that aren't there - such as the other day, thinking my mother-in-law was coming down the steps. Other times, there is a darkness. Someone is there. Standing over me. Ready to rape or kill me. I don't know how to make it stop. They tell you to get more sleep, reduce stress, etc...yeah, well...maybe someday...
So, that happened yesterday and this morning. At 4am. I would try to go back to sleep and during the next several hours, it would continue happening. So I wasn't getting any rest at all during this time. Which is both annoying and exhausting.
Back to my day.
So I woke up to this sleep paralysis.
We chilled this morning, then we drove to my mother-in-law's house so that she could watch the kids while I went for a 1pm job interview. This was one that the temp agency found me, and I decided that if I didn't get the Ritenour secretary job, I would settle and do something like call center work. Work that I knew I was well qualified for. Work that I knew I could excel in. So, I went to this call center place and had to take a math test.
Yes.
Math.
If you've ever read anything I've written about math, you should know that I hate numbers. I despise math. And I especially hate word problems!!! This test was 10 questions. ALL word problems. If you miss 2, they won't even interview you!!! No pressure right???
There were 2 questions I was sure I got wrong, but I was pretty confident about the rest. HOWEVER, I actually missed 3. When I asked her about it, she said that it was OK. She interview me anyway.
And then, she took me over to talk to the head of Human Resources. She was just as pleasant as the manager and I got a really good feeling about the company as a whole. It sounded as if they were willing to hire me right then & there. But I was honest with them. I told them that I was waiting to hear back from Ritenour. And then we decided I would call Ritenour to see if they had nade a decision, so I didn't have to just keep waiting. I'm already 2 days behind in the training class as it is. If I was going to start this new job, it would have to start TOMORROW!!
I left the interview about 2 hours later. I was there for a very long time. But I had a really good feeling about it. And honestly, my skills are more suited to customer service/call center work than anything else. I will probably be happier and more confident in this role.
But, what about Ritenour? I mean, $17/hour is really hard to pass up. I was determined to make a decision today. So I called and got no answer. Then I decided that the easiest thing to do would be to DRIVE to the admin office and just ask the hiring person if I was even a candidate. I was told that they offered the job to someone else yesterday, and that person accepted.
That made my decision easier. I called the call center back and they told me they would get back with the temp agency right away. And they did. I had my phone ringing left and right. It was a little chaotic!
So things were already crazy. Then I went to pick up the kids and when I got there, the temp agency called and said I would have to drive to Alton (right then!) and fill out the tax forms. So, the kids and I went to Alton. I filled everything out and got direct deposit set up. Tomorrow morning, before I go to work (training), I have to take a drug test. People were harassing me about my horrible math skills by saying that I would do better taking a drug test than a math rest!
Well, there you have it. I have a job. In a call center. Making just enough money to pay our bills! I had looked forward to using the next 3 days to finish laundry and get the house in order so it would be good when school started. But, it seems that won't be happening. I am working 9-5am until training is over (around 2 weeks), and then my schedule will be 10:30am-7:00pm. Not ideal...and it will interfere with several other events/plans but we'll work through it and figure it out. Kris will come home in time to get the kids off the bus, deal with homework and dinner, and then wait patiently for his wonderful, hard-working wife to come home. ;-)
Thank you for your prayers. They are appreciated! Please pray that I will rest tonight. Sleep without the nightmares/paralysis. I have heard that the Neurontin (Gabapentin) that I am on can cause vivid dreams/hallucinations. So I am going to try to NOT take it before bed and see if that makes a difference.
So there is the job update. Please excuse any grammar/spelling errors. I am about to fall asleep and so it can't be helped...it's been a crazy day!
A few weeks ago, I sat in my friend's living room, talking emphatically about the way women dress. We were talking about modesty and how we thought women should be dressing. Actually, let me rephrase that. We talked about how we felt CHRIST-following women should dress. How she and I should dress. How our daughters should dress.
Here is where I'm going to have to be honest and personal. Six months ago, I didn't think there was anything wrong with showing a little cleavage. After all, when you are...um...we'll go with 'busty', it is very difficult to find shirts that aren't revealing. It's next to impossible these days to find SHORTS that aren't too short (though I had issues with my legs so I didn't have a problem wearing capris instead!). However, that doesn't change the fact that six months ago, I dressed however I wanted to. I wasn't trying to get the attention of other men specifically. But I wasn't trying NOT to either.
Since April, however, God has convicted me in this area. And more recently, I realize how important it is to not only BE modest, but also to show my girls how to be modest.
This could get a little controversial, because not everyone will agree with me. But, like I always say, you don't have to agree with me. You don't even have to read this.
My blog.
My thoughts.
My views.
And what I am about to say, as I did when I wrote about MY choice NOT to read 50 Shades of Grey, is an exhortation to CHRISTIAN WOMEN. If you don't fall into that category, this does not apply to you. Let me also preface this by saying that if you are a Christian and what I am about to say describes you, I am not judging you.
I WAS that woman.
I was immodest (and a whole lot more), though what I wore was tame compared to a lot of what we see! These days, women can wear practically NOTHING and it seems perfectly acceptable to the vast majority, which now sickens me.
I wore whatever I wanted. I wore what made me feel confident. Because my confidence didn't come from knowing who I am in Christ, as it does now. I just want to urge my Christian friends to think about this. Think about how it affects the men in your lives and what you are teaching your children.
Perhaps your husband doesn't have an addiction to pornography. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't lust, on some level or another. And maybe he doesn't. I don't know the heart of every man. But I do believe that God created men to be visual creatures. They are designed to admire beauty. When it crosses that line over into lust however, it is sin.
And you know what?
As women, simply in how we choose our clothing, we can actually HELP men in their constant battle against lust.
I don't know about you, but after all the horrible things I have done and gone through, the LAST thing I want to do is to cause a Christian brother to stumble because of how I am dressed. If I can help any Christian brother as he battles attacks from the enemy constantly, then I will work hard to do just that.
And I will teach my girls how to be modest.
What it really means to be modest.
What it looks like.
And what is immodest.
For me and my family, bikinis are NOT an option. I will never understand bikinis. Whether someone "has a body for them" or not. Either way, for some crazy reason, it is perfectly acceptable (in our society) for a woman to flaunt her body by wearing as little to the swimming pool as possible. While it seems natural to go to a pool and see a woman dressed in a bikini, we would be horrified if our neighbor next door walked outside in her bra and panties. WHY??? What is wrong with us? Are we so messed up that we don't see how the majority of bras and panties cover MORE than bikinis????
Do I believe we need to cover ourselves from head to toe? No.
Some might.
If God convicts you in that, feel free.
But I do believe it is my responsibility to show as little skin as possible, especially in the area of cleavage. If I am to be my "brother's keeper", it is imperative that I protect their eyes and their minds in whatever way is possible.
As I said before, wearing a low cut shirt in the past didn't bother me. Then again, I had walked away from God and didn't care about much of anything except what I wanted. I never once wanted to gain unsolicited attention. I wanted to feel confident, and sadly, this is one way that I felt confident. The enemy deceived me into thinking that the way I dressed defined me and gave me confidence. I bought into the lies. I accepted them wholeheartedly. I was grasping for any shred of confidence, that I allowed countless men to see more than they should have ever been able to see, and I wasn't wearing a bikini! I think that sadly, a lot of women find themselves in this same position. Not all. But a lot. And even worse, there are those women who don't even CARE what their exposed body does to men. Worse than that, the women who WANT the attention and "all eyes on them". Am I the only one who sees how blatant the enemy is???
I have learned WHO I am and WHOSE I am. And that is where my confidence comes from. I no longer need to "feel good about myself" through how I dress.
Do I want to look nice?
Sure.
Is it extremely difficult to find shirts that cover me up AND look good?
You know it is.
Is my husband and every other Christian man worth the sacrifice?
Absolutely.
And beyond that, there are the men who don't even know they are lost. Who don't know that looking at a woman lustfully is wrong. And for those men, I want to work even harder to show them that I am different. That I am set apart. That I am in the world, but not OF the world.
And I just want to urge Christian women to take a stand.
Decide to choose modesty.
Teach your little girls to be modest.
If we don't set the example, who will?
It certainly won't be Hollywood.
It won't be the world.
And sadly, it most likely won't be the "Church".
Check out this video below and let me know what you think. It is a man's perspective (several men actually) on what the battle against sexual temptation is like on a daily basis, and how Christian women can help.
There is another video that is geared towards women. Whether you take the time to watch the second one or not is up to you.
I'll tell you up front that the first video is about 8 minutes in length. Please watch this one. Hear this plea from men who are fighting this battle with lust on a daily basis! I really wish that more preachers would preach like this. You hear me, Tony? ;-)
This is the video that is directed at women from this preacher's church. His plea is for the women in his congregation. While he is not talking directly to me, I took a lot away from what he had to say (though I didn't care for ALL the yelling near the end), and I am emboldened to stand up and show the world what modesty looks like. No one else is going to...
As I sat in my van after spending almost $150 on school supplies for just three of my four kids, and all of the emotional stability I had left, God did His thing.
Again.
Always faithful.
I always dread buying school supplies. I am grateful to my mom for buying back packs for all of the kids this year. I still need to buy them tennis shoes. I had already bought Katherine's supplies last pay period. In general though, I HATE school supplies.
I especially hate that instead of asking me to provide school supplies for those that can't afford them, they just build them into the list. And I also understand that funding is low and so we have to provide things like Kleenex and hand sanitizer for the teachers (though I still believe the school should be responsible for these things). HOWEVER...the whole thing leaves me feeling angry. I was agitated before we even went into Walmart. I had already seen the list. I had already bought Katherine's supplies, including 4 boxes of 20 count pencils FOR MATH! Plus "enough pencils to last the entire year". I had slight frustration there.
But going in to get the rest of the supplies at 11pm on Friday night (to avoid crowds, which we barely did...), I was already in a mood that would quickly deteriorate. Livvy needs SIX boxes of 24 count crayons? Seriously? She's in first grade. How many crayons is she really going to go through? Oh and I just know she is going to use those Expo dry erase markers. And 12 folders, 3 in four different colors each? I know that I am providing four folders for her and four for two other children. Again...I am typically a very generous person. You can ask Kris. He'll vouch for me. But when you cushion it under one's school supply list and don't tell them up front that they are paying for everyone else, well...that makes me feel a little less giving. Just TELL ME that you want me to provide school supplies for those who can't afford it. I can't afford it either to be honest, but I'd much rather CHOOSE to give school supplies, even when we can't afford it than be forced to.
All of that to tell you how I found myself at a very low point Friday night.
I was mad at Kris, because it really felt like he wasn't being supportive during this entire school shopping nightmare. He wasn't upset at the injustice of it all, like I was, thus he didn't care (after all, that's how we interpret this isn't it???) And this bothered me. My final straw was when I pulled out a dress that I KNEW Katherine would LOVE and he shot it down. How on earth would he know her fashion sense better than I would????
So we check out, and I am completely silent. My body language, I'm sure, was speaking loudly though. I bit back some sarcastic remarks not easily about how incredibly slow Kris was unloading the cart, but didn't bother to help him. I was just done. Spent. I couldn't will myself to participate in this supply shopping event any longer.
When we got outside, I took the keys from Kris and started the van, sitting there stewing while he loaded the bags into the van. And as if I hadn't had enough "drama", Kris wouldn't leave the parking lot. I had made it abundantly clear that I was upset, by saying nothing. We sat there in the van. Kris desperately trying to think of something to say or do to make me happy. Me intensely longing for him to do what I was thinking in my head he should do.
Well, as it turns out, he too recognized what I couldn't speak. That Satan was attacking us. We had just finished a great evening with some new friends, and had talked about how when you are in the middle of an argument, prayer can have a lot of power. Prayer can make it awfully hard to stay mad. And so Kris prayed. And he prayed everything I was thinking and feeling. We were so connected without me having to speak.
And as Kris was ending his prayer, this song came on. I kid you not. God blesses me like this all the time! And Kris got the benefit of hearing, through JoyFM, how powerfully God can move and speak.
I've always loved this song.
In the past, I have always related to the lines that say "For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on, they've lost all of their faith in love. They've done all they can to make it right again, still it's not enough. For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains, you try to give up but you come back again. Just remember that your not alone in your shame and your suffering."
But not Friday night. Friday night I heard an entirely different part of the song.
And sidebar--Kris and I were discussing how truly grateful we are to be on the OTHER side of this now and to not have our lives spelled out in the verse listed above.
Prior to hearing the song, Kris asked me what I was feeling, and I told him "like I am about to crash". I used to have weeks go by where I would go and go and go, and I would be drained emotionally. And then I would completely lose it. I would be despondent and want to just run away and hide. So I shared that with Kris. I told him that all of this job hunting is exhausting and not living in the privacy of our own home during the 735 degree temperatures was really starting to take a toll on me. I also told him I was feeling fat and ugly. He interjected "Are those actual feelings?" We didn't really dwell on that. What it all really was...it was an attack from the enemy. It is the first time since April that I have felt that low. That emotionally broken. Not spiritually. Just emotionally. I was at the end of my rope. I had apparently had all I thought I could take. I was about to have a complete meltdown.
And then Kris started praying.
And then...I felt it. Complete peace. The sadness was gone. The negative feelings were gone. And Cry Out To Jesus was playing on the radio. I burst into sobs as I heard (for the first time--really HEARD) "There is hope for the helpless, REST FOR THE WEARY, love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing. HE'LL MEET YOU WHEREVER YOU ARE. Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus."
How cool is that??
Kris and I spent a lot of time talking about it. He made a comment that I just really loved, and I "wrote" it down in my phone so I could reference it in this post. He said, "You know, a year ago if we had an experience like this, we would have just gone home mad at each other." What a cool place for us to be at in our lives and our marriage now that we can talk about it and really explore what is going on inside our minds and hearts.
And then, as the icing on the cake, we heard the following two songs:
