I think I mentioned before how Katherine called me selfish. Who me? Never! totally true!
When we got tickets to go see Toby Mac for Katherine's birthday with Grandma, who got to go? Me.
When we got Brandon Heath/Matt Maher tickets for Kaleb and Grandma? Who gets to join? Me. (And that's tomorrow night by the way! Cannot wait!!!)
And when Katherine won tickets on JoyFM to see the Rams game on Sunday, with a Switchfoot concert afterwards, who would be going? Yeah, you guessed it. None other than me! And Katherine of course-she did win the tickets after all.
But over the weekend, I started thinking about trying to park downtown just how much I loved my husband. I thought about the crowds at the arena how great our marriage has become and how much I adore him. I thought about how grateful I am for Kris and that Switchfoot is always best at the pageant I really wanted to do something nice for him. So, with only a little complete selflessness, I told Kris that he should take Katherine to the game and Switchfoot. I listed off all of the reasons he should go:
For the millionth time in 6 months. (I just realized that tomorrow will be SIX MONTHS since I fell apart at the foot of the Cross, and gave my guilt and shame to Jesus. There WILL be celebrating!)
I've come to accept this. These tears. And sometimes I LONG for this to happen to me.
I embrace the tears and all of the emotions they bring.
When I got my new Android tablet, it came with $25 to the Google Play store. Perfect! Since Katherine won't let me illegally obtain music from the library anymore, I have to BUY any music that I want. I knew immediately that I wanted a Brandon Heath album. I wound up with that, a couple of Matthew West albums, and a Jason Gray album (plus a couple extra songs). And yes, I may have gone over the $25 by about $10.
That's how they get you.
They lure you in.
Just like the casinos..."Here have $25. Then get greedy and spend even more. We know you will!"
I wasn't planning to write tonight. And I wasn't planning to move forward with my Music That Moves Me "segment", if you will.
But I've said before that while this is my blog, I write as I feel led by God (except for posts like Skyvi, where I just really wanted to share something funny with you). Tonight is definitely one of those nights.
All day long I have been wrestling. Maybe wrestling isn't the best word, because it would seem to imply something intense. I've been thinking a lot today. And not good thinking. I've been thinking thoughts that I don't want to think. I've been wondering things and pondering, and thinking about the past. I've had temptations today left and right it seems. Subtle and fairly easy to combat, but there nevertheless. And I've recognized the enemy, trying to lure me into a trap. Trying to get me to fall back into my old patterns. Into habits I had, that I've been able to control. Today was one of two days in the last four months where the temptation was strong. I didn't give in. I didn't feel powerless against the enemy, because I am NOT! But it's been a rough day, inside my head.
I've shared my thoughts and fears and concerns with my ally, Kris. We've talked and I've prayed and I feel like there has been victory. But at the same time, I have felt weak today. I find myself wondering about the past and if any of it was real. I find myself thinking about people I don't want to be thinking about. My mind has been filled with memories that I thought were gone, or at least suppressed. And by the end of the day, I felt worn down and battered. And still thinking.
I don't know where to go. Is it something that we need to talk about in counseling, or is this just the enemy trying to get at me in a different way? Part of me wonders if there are certain aspects of my past that are still unresolved. Is it that, or is Satan really the mastermind behind all these thoughts in my head? These insecurities I am suddenly feeling today. Ultimately...the things that have been tossing around in my head are from the enemy, but I wonder still if I don't need to put words to them and confront them head on. I wonder if I should try to deal with some of these things or keep pushing them down and not thinking about them.
The thing is that I know thinking about them is of no value. I know that regardless of what the answer is, the outcome is still the same. These thoughts and feelings that are trying to overpower me are just that: thoughts and feelings. I have questions. Questions that shouldn't matter, because I know that in the end, I will feel insecure and wrestle with convincing my heart that I truly am the beautiful creation that God tells me I am. I don't even want answers. I just want to ask some questions, even if it is just to myself. I am the type of person that needs to talk something out over and over again before I can find peace and really feel like I'm OK with whatever the situation may be. And lately, I've been wondering if I need to ask my questions. Process what I am thinking and feeling. Even if it is just to myself, or in counseling.
The reason this has come up in the format of a blog post is because it all seemed to culminate as I drove home tonight. I was alone. I was listening to Joy FM, which is pretty much all that I listen to these days. I even sent Kris a chat telling him that, before, I used to look for any excuse to get out of the house. For reasons that were not good for me. Now, I look for excuses to return a movie or run to the store, just so I can listen to Joy FM. And while I know I can just listen to it on the phone, my van has almost become a sort of refuge for me. A place of safety. I can't really explain it. Maybe I'm just crazy like that. Shut up! As I got close to home, this song came on.
I got halfway through this song before I broke down. At first, I was just thinking about how grateful I was that God has shown this truth to me. That there could never be a more beautiful ME. It's something I have wrestled with all my life and something I have always expected to feel, from a man. But since Good Friday, God has been teaching me so much. And true beauty and what it really is has been one of those lessons. But with all the questions rattling around in my head and then this song playing, I found myself in my driveway as the song continued. And I just lost it. I began sobbing. Because I heard these words: "If you feel depressed with past regrets, the shameful nights hope to forget can disappear. They can all be washed away by the One who's strong, can right your wrongs; can rid your fears, dry all your tears and change the way you look at this big world. He will take your dark distorted view and with His light He will show you the truth. And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl."
I couldn't, at the time, really even understand what it was I was feeling. Part of me was thinking about those past regrets, the shameful nights I hope to forget. I felt a great sense of sadness. And then I was overcome by this thought of being able to see again, through the eyes of a little girl. I can't even put words to it, really. I just sat there, sobbing. Thinking, "I should go inside. It's almost midnight." But glued to my seat in the van, with my head in my hands, allowing myself to FEEL. It hurts. When I really let myself think about what I've done and all the people I have hurt. And not just other people. Myself. The person I became. The things I've done that took me so far from my husband and my God. It wasn't self-pity I was feeling. And while it was tempting to give in to the self-loathing Satan was enticing me with, instead I just felt so sad and broken. I felt like the old Jamie, for just a moment. For a moment, I questioned the validity of a statement like "There could never be a more beautiful you." It was gone almost as soon as it pressed down upon me, but it was there.
And I guess that's why I'm really writing. Because 20 minutes ago, I couldn't identify what I was feeling. But sitting here writing, I can see that if I am honest with myself, that was it. Could God really see me as beautiful after all I've done? Could I really look at myself in the mirror and see that I was fearfully and wonderfully made? Like I said, it didn't last long and God swept down, as He so often does these days and held me in His arms, as the next song came on. I continued to cry and listen, holding tightly to the words in that song. And He said to me, "You were made to love. And be loved by me." And that was enough. He is enough. His love is enough. Regardless of whether or not I need to dig deeper into these thoughts and questions I have about my past, God loves me. And I'm going to be OK.
I know I've posted this first song before, but it needs to be posted again. Partly because it is one of the best songs out there right now. Partly because tonight, I have an agenda. It's debatable on whether or not this is Jamie's agenda or God's. I really feel like it's God moving me, so we will see where this winds up! I love writing that way. Just writing and letting God guide me. It reminds me of that verse in Proverbs 16:9; honestly this is how I approach writing. "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." I have an idea or a plan that I want to write about and as I start to write, God starts shaping it into what He wants it to be.
He does the same thing when Kris preaches. Kris will have his outline, but then when he gets up there to preach, as long as He is focused on God, God takes over and you can really hear God speaking THROUGH him. I hope that is what happens through this blog. Because it isn't supposed to be about Jamie. It's supposed to be about God. Tony mentioned tonight "Audience of One" and that's what I want this blog to be. Do I want others to be touched and comforted and moved to action by this blog? Sure. But not because of me. Because of God. Ultimately, this is my journey with God and I will trust Him to do whatever He thinks is best.
All that to say, Thank GOD we don't have to hide scars!! His are covering OURS! And be patient...there are some spelling/grammatical errors. Look past them and hear what God wants to say to you.
I think that this song sets up perfectly the next song. Though, you know me. It will likely be a lengthy introduction to the song. I met someone tonight. A lady that from the start was dear to my heart. I can't even explain it. As soon as she walked in the door, I wanted to know her. I wanted to connect with her. And because I can't quite explain it, I'm convinced it was totally a God thing. And I know, from the outcome a couple of hours later that it completely WAS a God thing. And I am so extremely thrilled that God allowed me to be a part of it.
Some of you know that I made this bracelet recently.
I wear it most days. A few people have commented on it and I've shared how "My Chains Are Gone" and my purpose for making the bracelet. It's been so easy to talk to people about what God has been doing in my life and this bracelet has been a conversation starter on several different occasions. For those not familiar with my reason for making this bracelet, I'll explain it.
The Cross represents what Jesus did for everyone. And...even moreso, understanding and BELIEVING what He did FOR ME. That I could finally, once and for all, lay my guilt and shame at the foot of the Cross. I could finally be free from what had weighed me down so long. I could trade my ashes in for beauty, and truly wear forgiveness like a crown.
The handcuffs that say "Freedom" symbolize, well, FREEDOM! Freedom from sin. Freedom from guilt and shame. Freedom from the hold Satan had in my life for so many years. And the Swarovski crystal at the bottom, it is a reminder of the blood that Jesus shed for me, that purchased my freedom.
And my favorite? The "hope" charm. For so many years I lived in defeat. I prayed so long for things to change. I HOPED that my marriage would change. That Kris would change. That I could get out of the unhealthy relationship I was in. And then, somewhere along the line, when God didn't answer my prayers, and Kris didn't overcome, and I found that I WANTED to stay in my bad relationship with someone that didn't belong to me, I gave up. It was the last thing I had held on to. Hope was all I had left. And then, suddenly, it was gone. I was a hopeless fool, living a life I hated. Living without hope is debilitating. Without hope, there is nothing left. As long as there is a shred of hope left, we can still press on. We can usually pick ourselves up and keep going. But what do you do when all hope is gone? When you've given up hope? Sometimes I think that maybe the answer is different for everyone.
For me, God had to pull me up. God had to grab me and move me. Because I wasn't willing. I wasn't ready. I wanted to keep punishing myself. I wanted to hold on to my guilt and shame, because I simply could not understand that my punishment had already been nailed to the Cross. I felt like I deserved to be punished. Since God wasn't doing it, and Kris wasn't doing it, I just knew that I had to. I didn't have that hope anymore. But God had other plans for me. He really showed me how to have hope again. Now everything is different. I have hope and it is one of the most amazing things to have in my life again.
All of that to bring us to a song I heard tonight on the way home from Stories. And I just knew that God wanted me to share this song. It brought me a great deal of comfort. And if this woman that I met tonight could really feel the truth in this song, it would be such a blessing. My heart aches for this! I can't describe it.
I want to share one more thing before I show you the song. Tonight I was wearing the "My Chains Are Gone" bracelet. There was a moment tonight when I heard God very clearly say "Take your bracelet off." I obeyed, unclasping it from my wrist. Then God said "When the time is right, give it to that woman." As God orchestrates all things, we left at the same time. So I was given an opportunity to give her my bracelet. I explained to her why I had made it and what it meant to me. My hands were shaking as I put the bracelet on her wrist. I've NEVER done anything like this before. I've talked to people about my bracelet. And my story. But this was the first time that I really felt like the bracelet was no longer mine. I KNEW I had to share not just my story, but the reminder I have of my story. And so I did.
It was such an amazing experience. I had never met this woman before tonight. But I know that God wanted this to happen. It was no coincidence. THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES. And I hope and pray that I will meet her again. I really love being a part of what God is doing here in my life and how He is using my story.
So...now that I've explained all of that, I'll share the song I know God orchestrated for me to hear tonight on the drive home. It's called "You Can Have Me", by the Sidewalk Prophets.
And I wasn't originally planning to add this one, but I feel it is necessary. For all of you who feel like you aren't strong enough, and that you can't do it alone; for you who are hurting and at the end of your rope, all hope gone, God can carry you to the Cross. Will you let Him? Surrender. Surrender the temptation. The pain, The hurt. The guilt and the shame. Surrender yours fears and let God carry you to the Cross. He doesn't always expect us to get up and get here on our own. Sometimes, He carries us. And I think He is OK with that. The point is, we just have to get to the Cross. One way or another!
Where are you at? Can you pick yourself up and run to the foot of the Cross, or are you feeling hopeless and alone? You are NOT alone. If you literally cannot pick yourself up and get to the Cross, cry out to Jesus (another great song!). God can carry you to the Cross.
Surrender.
Stop fighting.
Let God take you to the Cross, and you can lay your fear and your guilt and your shame down there. He is big enough to take it all. And to quote my favorite kids' cartoon Veggie Tales, "God made you special, and He loves you very much!" Such a simple saying, and yet so profoundly true!!
