But I've said before that while this is my blog, I write as I feel led by God (except for posts like Skyvi, where I just really wanted to share something funny with you). Tonight is definitely one of those nights.
All day long I have been wrestling. Maybe wrestling isn't the best word, because it would seem to imply something intense. I've been thinking a lot today. And not good thinking. I've been thinking thoughts that I don't want to think. I've been wondering things and pondering, and thinking about the past. I've had temptations today left and right it seems. Subtle and fairly easy to combat, but there nevertheless. And I've recognized the enemy, trying to lure me into a trap. Trying to get me to fall back into my old patterns. Into habits I had, that I've been able to control. Today was one of two days in the last four months where the temptation was strong. I didn't give in. I didn't feel powerless against the enemy, because I am NOT! But it's been a rough day, inside my head.
I've shared my thoughts and fears and concerns with my ally, Kris. We've talked and I've prayed and I feel like there has been victory. But at the same time, I have felt weak today. I find myself wondering about the past and if any of it was real. I find myself thinking about people I don't want to be thinking about. My mind has been filled with memories that I thought were gone, or at least suppressed. And by the end of the day, I felt worn down and battered. And still thinking.
I don't know where to go. Is it something that we need to talk about in counseling, or is this just the enemy trying to get at me in a different way? Part of me wonders if there are certain aspects of my past that are still unresolved. Is it that, or is Satan really the mastermind behind all these thoughts in my head? These insecurities I am suddenly feeling today. Ultimately...the things that have been tossing around in my head are from the enemy, but I wonder still if I don't need to put words to them and confront them head on. I wonder if I should try to deal with some of these things or keep pushing them down and not thinking about them.
The thing is that I know thinking about them is of no value. I know that regardless of what the answer is, the outcome is still the same. These thoughts and feelings that are trying to overpower me are just that: thoughts and feelings. I have questions. Questions that shouldn't matter, because I know that in the end, I will feel insecure and wrestle with convincing my heart that I truly am the beautiful creation that God tells me I am. I don't even want answers. I just want to ask some questions, even if it is just to myself. I am the type of person that needs to talk something out over and over again before I can find peace and really feel like I'm OK with whatever the situation may be. And lately, I've been wondering if I need to ask my questions. Process what I am thinking and feeling. Even if it is just to myself, or in counseling.
The reason this has come up in the format of a blog post is because it all seemed to culminate as I drove home tonight. I was alone. I was listening to Joy FM, which is pretty much all that I listen to these days. I even sent Kris a chat telling him that, before, I used to look for any excuse to get out of the house. For reasons that were not good for me. Now, I look for excuses to return a movie or run to the store, just so I can listen to Joy FM. And while I know I can just listen to it on the phone, my van has almost become a sort of refuge for me. A place of safety. I can't really explain it. Maybe I'm just crazy like that.
I got halfway through this song before I broke down. At first, I was just thinking about how grateful I was that God has shown this truth to me. That there could never be a more beautiful ME. It's something I have wrestled with all my life and something I have always expected to feel, from a man. But since Good Friday, God has been teaching me so much. And true beauty and what it really is has been one of those lessons. But with all the questions rattling around in my head and then this song playing, I found myself in my driveway as the song continued. And I just lost it. I began sobbing. Because I heard these words: "If you feel depressed with past regrets, the shameful nights hope to forget can disappear. They can all be washed away by the One who's strong, can right your wrongs; can rid your fears, dry all your tears and change the way you look at this big world. He will take your dark distorted view and with His light He will show you the truth. And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl."
I couldn't, at the time, really even understand what it was I was feeling. Part of me was thinking about those past regrets, the shameful nights I hope to forget. I felt a great sense of sadness. And then I was overcome by this thought of being able to see again, through the eyes of a little girl. I can't even put words to it, really. I just sat there, sobbing. Thinking, "I should go inside. It's almost midnight." But glued to my seat in the van, with my head in my hands, allowing myself to FEEL. It hurts. When I really let myself think about what I've done and all the people I have hurt. And not just other people. Myself. The person I became. The things I've done that took me so far from my husband and my God. It wasn't self-pity I was feeling. And while it was tempting to give in to the self-loathing Satan was enticing me with, instead I just felt so sad and broken. I felt like the old Jamie, for just a moment. For a moment, I questioned the validity of a statement like "There could never be a more beautiful you." It was gone almost as soon as it pressed down upon me, but it was there.
And I guess that's why I'm really writing. Because 20 minutes ago, I couldn't identify what I was feeling. But sitting here writing, I can see that if I am honest with myself, that was it. Could God really see me as beautiful after all I've done? Could I really look at myself in the mirror and see that I was fearfully and wonderfully made? Like I said, it didn't last long and God swept down, as He so often does these days and held me in His arms, as the next song came on. I continued to cry and listen, holding tightly to the words in that song. And He said to me, "You were made to love. And be loved by me." And that was enough. He is enough. His love is enough. Regardless of whether or not I need to dig deeper into these thoughts and questions I have about my past, God loves me. And I'm going to be OK.
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