Reflecting...

I heard a song today that I used to love.  It's called "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum.  Today, I HATE that song.  Not only did I hear it once.  I heard it twice.  Within an hour.  My first thought was "Not this song again..."

You see, I have quite a long list of songs that I just can't listen to now.  At first, I thought it would be too painful to listen to those songs.  Today, I realized that it isn't too painful.  It's just WRONG.  And the songs make me angry whenever I hear them.  And I think that is a GOOD thing.  Anger isn't a sin.  It's what you do with that anger that matters.

These songs make me angry for several reasons.  I've hinted around at things here and there, throughout this new journey I'm on.  I'm not ready to share my entire story just yet here on my blog.  That is why you have just been getting bits and pieces of it.  I only share what I feel is right to share, as I travel along, when the time is right.  That is why some of you reading this already know my story.  If you know my story, it is because God led me to share it with you, and for no other reason. If you don't quite know all of the details yet, it's because it isn't time yet.  On top of that, Kris' story is so much a part of my own story (they are intertwined), and we are not ready to share that whole story yet either.  Some day we will.  I believe that a day will come when Kris and I will stand side by side, in a room full of people, and share what God has done in and through us.  How he took a very broken, hopeless marriage and mended it and made it new.  He took two stony, stubborn hearts and gave us new tender, responsive hearts.

But I feel like tonight you are going to get another little piece of my story.  And it is more of a scenario where, if you have good logical skills, you can guess what part of my story is.  I'm not ashamed to share my story.  I am deeply sorry for those I have hurt through these last few years, but God has forgiven me, and I've been set free from the guilt and shame of those actions.  But it is just not time yet to divulge everything.

So back to "Need You Now".  I cannot listen to that song now.  I choose not to listen to that song, and about 100 other songs, if I can help it.  Because they remind me of someone that I need no reminder of.  Someone that I don't want to think about.  Someone that caused me a lot of emotional pain and turmoil; someone I should never have allowed into my life and my heart. 

I heard this song, on two separate occasions tonight.  And do you know what I did?  I told my husband about it.  Something about Kris and I that hasn't changed in over 14 years is our ability to communicate with one another.  We have always been able to talk.  About the hard stuff, as well as the easy.  Good communication, at times, was the only good thing we had going for us, as far as our marriage was concerned.  That communication has gotten even better since my world was turned upside down almost 4 months ago.  Counseling is part of it, for sure; but in general, our ability to communicate with one another has really helped our marriage grow and change. 

I love that we can talk.  I love that even though there are reminders of the hurt and pain we have caused one another, we can talk about it with each other.  That we can be allies.  Our counselor talks about us having an alliance with one another when we are tempted, so that we can stand even stronger against the enemy's arrows.  Because those arrows WILL come. 

Kris and I have embraced that alliance, rather than resist it.  Part of it comes naturally to us, because I believe that God just blessed us with that ability.  It's not always easy.  Sometimes we will sit for literally hours, one of us trying to get the other to really TALK.  But in the end, we always talk.  We always seem to be able to communicate, and that has only grown stronger as we have grown closer to one another.

I found myself so angry with Satan and what he was trying to do to me tonight. 

Do I think HE is responsible for that particular song playing tonight? 

No. 

Of course not. 

But I do believe that he used those two occasions to try to distract me and get me to dwell on the past.  He did not succeed.  I recognized immediately what he was trying to do, and I told Kris.  I'm sure it was painful for him to hear about it, and acknowledge the truth in what I was saying, but we're safe when we confide in one another.  Even if it is a painful topic.  When he came to me about a week ago and told me something that could have devastated me emotionally, I was there.  I listened.  I was his ally.  We talked through it and moved on. 

I don't know why God has chosen to bless our marriage as He has, and allowed us to heal as quickly as He has.  What He has done in our lives and our marriages is nothing short of a miracle.  It's so much more amazing than my simple words here can describe.

And I wish that He would work that way in everyone's lives and marriages.  I know that sometimes He chooses not to, and I don't know why He blessed us as He did.  But I am so grateful for it.  Every day.  I pray that He will work in other marriages as He has in ours.  I pray that He will bring to light what needs to be in the light.  It's only then that healing can begin.  And while I cannot understand why God worked so quickly with me and Kris, I can only ask that He will use us and that others will see that when there seemed to be no hope, God renewed and restored.  He healed what was broken and He gave us a second chance.