Why?

Why?

It is perhaps one of the most-asked questions in our country.

Why do people die?

Why did this happen to me?

Why can't this be easier?

Why are my kids driving me crazy?

And much of the time, people tend to blame God or question Him, at the very least.  There is nothing wrong with asking God these questions.  I asked God a lot why Kris' and my marriage has seemingly healed so much quicker than what is considered normal. Why do other couples have to go through more pain, more counseling, more healing than we do?  I know that part of the answer is because Kris and I both had our own issues with sexual sin.  We could understand how the other could get to the place that we did.

Additionally, we formed an alliance fairly early into our counseling/healing process.  If Kris is feeling tempted, he knows that NO MATTER WHAT it is, he can tell me.  That it isn't going to hurt me.  That I WANT him to tell me when he is feeling tempted so that we can pray and take away the enemy's power.  If he hides that from me, the enemy keeps a hold on him, and that foothold will eventually lead Kris down the same old, familiar path.  And neither of us want that.
And likewise, with me, if I am struggling, or wanting to pull away or slip back into old habits, I can tell him.  And he will pray for me.  We can talk openly about these things, knowing that it is part of the healing process and something that we need, in order to keep the enemy away from our marriage.  We are in no way perfect.  I believe there is still a lot of healing that needs to take place.  There are other areas where we need to dig deeper and peel back the layers even more.  Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever leave counseling without having spent the majority of the hour crying.  But for the most part, Kris and I are doing exceptionally well.  And that being said, I do wonder OFTEN why it has to be so difficult for others in similar situations.

Beyond that, there is so much pain.  In this world.  In our lives (all of us).  It's hard to understand. And it's OK to ask WHY?  It's OK to question why something had to happen to us.  While I don't think it's helpful to blame God and pull away from Him, I can understand that tendency.  After all, I did that.  When God didn't answer my prayers and free Kris during the first 12 years of our marriage, I asked Kris and God how long we had to wait.  I didn't blame God, per say, but I did wonder why He didn't answer my prayers.  Why did He wait so long?  It turns out that He had already given the victory.  It took Kris hitting rock bottom to realize exactly what his sin was costing him.  It took me hitting rock bottom to face my sin and allow it to truly be in the light.  To allow God to break down the wall I had built up between me and Him.  We had to reach our very lowest before God could step in and work.  Otherwise, we would not have been receptive to it.
But that isn't why I started to write this.  I wanted to talk about all the pain.  The sadness.  The sickness and the death.

It seems that I have so many friends with wounded hearts and broken marriages.  And this breaks my heart.  Since God smashed my wall down (Good Friday), He has filled me with such compassion and desire to see marriages healed and restored.  I believe that God wants to do for others what He has done for Kris and I.  And I believe that He wants to use Kris and I as tools to do this, in some cases.

Beyond that, I have a friend whose husband has stage 4 cancer, that seems to be spreading
everywhere.  The latest test results were not good.  I cannot even begin to imagine the fear and helplessness she is feeling.  My heart breaks for her and her daughters.  Will they have to say goodbye to their husband & father?  Will God call him home before they are all ready?  Because let's be honest.  None of us are ready to face the death of a loved one.  Even if we know that they will go on to be with the Lord, and free of pain and suffering, we (as humans) don't want to face that kind of pain.  When someone we love dies, they take a piece of us with them.  God can indeed comfort and heal those left behind, but knowing this doesn't make it any easier to face.  I don't want to watch my friend say goodbye to her husband.  They have two young children and I don't want her to have to face raising them without her husband by her side.  They have been suffering through all of this for almost four years.  How long will they suffer?  Will God work a miracle or will He call this man home?  He's not even 40 years old.  Cancer is everywhere.  It almost makes me as angry as Satan does sometimes.  At least with Satan, you have some control over the place he has in your life.  With cancer, you don't get to call the shots.  There is no easy fix.  There is no cure.  People die every day from cancer.  It's heartbreaking.

On Thursday, friends of mine from high school were shocked by the news that a young woman they knew and loved was in a tragic car accident with her two little babies.  Her oldest wasn't in the vehicle and neither was her husband.  Of course, it immediately reminded me of losing Angi, Josh and Jacob, while Shawn and Alex weren't in the vehicle.  The mother died several hours after the accident.  Her youngest I believe, a son, died early yesterday morning.  The other child that was in the car had only minor injuries.  It's devastating.  I can remember what I felt when I heard the news about the Huckabas.  I know that a lot of my friends back home are now feeling that same shock and sadness.  They are in pain.  They are asking Why?

There are just some things in life we can't understand.

Additionally, there are the people that I hurt directly.  Some of them wounded severely.  Some of them are still reeling from the news of what I did.  Some of them are hurting so badly and there is nothing I can do about it (besides praying, which they may not even want from me).

I can't change what I did.

I can't take it back.

I can't undo the hurt and pain I caused.

All I can do is trust God and ask Him to strengthen me and help me to recognize when Satan is tempting me to feel that guilt and shame.  I can still feel deeply saddened at the amount of hurt I caused to some people that I considered to be close friends, but I cannot let the guilt and shame rule my life anymore.  It has no place in my heart.

Because God has forgiven me.

Because Jesus took my punishment.

Because I finally understood what the Cross was all about.

But that doesn't take away THEIR pain.  And this is what I wrestle with.  

I wish I had learned all of this seven years ago, so that I didn't hurt people anymore.  I wish that that part of my story had truly ended seven years ago.  But at the same time, Kris and I wouldn't have the marriage we do today if we didn't go through hell AFTER seven years ago.  Unfortunately, a lot of people got dragged down because of our stupid choices.  Because we didn't embrace God's true freedom in 2004.

While I believe that Kris and I needed to hit that rock bottom to really be free from what shackled us, I hate that so many people are hurting because of my actions.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed by an extreme sorrow.  In these moments, I allow myself to feel it.  Because I truly believe that God is showing me just a SMALL portion of what those I have hurt are feeling.  I allow myself to feel their pain.  Pain that I caused.  And I pray for them.  I pray for comfort for them.  I pray for peace in their hearts.  I pray for restoration in the areas where healing needs to happen.

And maybe they don't want my prayers.

Maybe there are some that will never be able to forgive me.

But that isn't what God wants me to think about.

He wants me to be obedient.

I think that it is OK for me to pray for those that I hurt.  Because it isn't a selfish prayer.  It's about another believer in Christ interceding on their behalf to do what I cannot-to heal broken hearts.  I can't sit by and not pray when I know that God wants me to.  It isn't about asking God to help them forgive me.  It is simply me knowing that prayer is the only thing that I can at this point.  It's the only good thing I have to offer.  It's the only amends I can make right now.  And I have to trust that it is enough for now.  Whatever God calls me to do later, in order to try to make up for the hurt I have caused, I'll do it.