So what did I learn from my three week purge of all foods delightful and delicous? From commiting to spend all that time I would normally spend just thinking about food to growing closer to God?
Jeremiah 33:3 says "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."
Jeremiah said it better than I could.
The Daniel Fast was an amazing experience, both physically and spiritually. It is definitely something that I think I want to incorporate into my life on a regular basis. Not every month, mind you, but maybe twice a year. It was great to detox my body of all the processed and unhealthy food I had been consuming in large quantities.
There is no denying that the pain I have become accustomed to has worsened since I started working. I was talking to my mom about this last night. In the last (almost) three months, my pain level has doubled. It was tolerable, while I was sitting at home doing nothing at all. Sure, it makes sense now that I think about it. Doing nothing doesn't put much strain on a person, so while I was still in pain, it was tolerable. It has become increasingly intolerable and I have been in tears several times in the last couple of weeks, due to either the pain, or frustration at never having a moment without pain.
So, I think it is no coincidence that now that I am out and working, and interacting with human beings again, that I am in so much pain. Yesterday proved to be the end of what I could tolerate. I was stirring melted chocolate, making amaretto fudge for our work "End of the World Gorging Party." When switching to my right hand, I felt something "slip" in the middle of my back, on the right. It felt about the same as the time I was reaching for sour cream and likely ruptured the lowest disc in my back, ending up in the ER and down for several days recovering. This time though, the pain was a lot higher.
I doubled over in pain, and it hurt to breathe for a few minutes. Once the pain breathing in subsided, I leaned back up to what I was doing and painfully finished the fudge. With my left hand. My right side under my shoulder hurt to bad, plus I'm left-handed anyway...
This day did not go the way I had planned. I am currently sitting in the emergency room with my eleven year old son. I am watching him writhe in extreme pain. It started this morning, when Kaleb told me his stomach hurt. He didn't seem too burdened by it, so I sent him to school.
Then, I had grand plans for how the day was going to go. I would check Facebook, catch up on The Voice, and spend several hours writing for all my screaming fans!
As human plans typically go, my day did anything but go according to plans!
I can't believe that I have never blogged about The Shack. There must be a mistake somewhere. Because I am pretty sure I made it known that I was the ONLY person in the world that did NOT enjoy reading that book (KEEP READING)!
So, why am I bringing this up? It's all Tony's fault! Yeah, that's right. I'm naming names. Because I'm mad (not really). Because #1. I don't want to re-read the book (even though I think I should) and #2. I don't want to draw a picture of my shack (it's scary and ugly and scary)! And it's just not healthy to be mad at God about this whole healing process, so I'll blame Tony. And my other friends at church who think "Yeah, Jamie should draw her shack!!!" Thanks a lot...
At Stories last Friday night, we talked about this idea of shadows, or our past, following us. Tony used several different movie clips to illustrate this, making me want to watch all of the movies again, except for Saving Private Ryan. While the story was decent, the movie was 3 hours too long to begin with.
Someone posted this on Facebook this past week and I thought it was very fitting for what I am writing.
I love this picture above. It is so profound, in light of this concept of our past following us.
Tony said something at Stories that I liked so much I had to copy down. Not just to share it with all of you, but for myself, as well. As a reminder. Tony is a very wise man. He should be after all that he has gone through and overcome. God has done an amazing work in this man's life.
This is what he told us:
"You must give God direct access to the most wounded places of your past, to be healed in the present, so you can have a healthier future." -Tony Ingrassia, Author of Stories.
Don't you just love that?
Tony also has an amazing Power of Purity ministry that is incredible, and has really been a source of freedom and healing in my own marriage. Check it out. NOW. ;-)
Our pasts are right behind us. They follow us, just like a shadow. And what we talked about at Stories last week was how Satan uses our past. He wants us to be so caught up in our pasts, whatever they may be, that we can't focus on God. Satan uses our past against us. He holds us, tightly, with the guilt and shame in our past. He keeps us so focused on the past that it affects us in the present. It affects every choice we make. Every step we take. (That sounds familiar...POLICE anyone?)
And if we don't go back and revisit our past, and as Tony said during our last counseling session "Bring Jesus to the past", we can't experience healing and a healthy future. We must confront our past. We must take Jesus to it. We must HEAL. If we just live in the past, and let the past control our minds, emotions and actions, we will never truly be free of the hurts and pain of our past.
You cannot do this if your past is still following you.
Haunting you.
I love the idea of bringing Jesus to my past.
I do not, however, like the idea of revisiting my past. Of confronting my personal "shack". Of acknowledging where some of my deep-rooted fears (getting murdered) lie. I don't want to do it. But I know that I must. It has to be done. I have to be healed. So that I can be healthier tomorrow. And I know that, with Jesus, it is safe. I am protected from the hurts and fears that await me.
"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again." - Maya Angelou
I want to talk to you about "majesty". Before I do though, I want to just say that I LOVE my church family. I love Sunday mornings. I leave church feeling refreshed and uplifted. It's the greatest thing and I can't believe I missed out on that for so many years! I feel like I am making up for lost time. And I'm OK with that.
I've told you before that I cry a lot now. I weep. I FEEL everything. Pain, joy, relief; but mostly, gratitude. I sit in church and we sing and a song will come on. And my kids will just stare at me, wondering what is wrong with Mommy. Kris usually tells them that he thinks I'm happy. He's right. I'm so overcome with joy and gratitude in these moments, that it spills over from my heart and I just weep.
Today was no exception. This time, the song was Majesty. Some synonyms for majesty are grandeur, splendor, greatness, mightiness. It conveys the message that this is something HUGE. Something we can't fathom with our human minds. We see glimpses of it as we glance at the mountains, or the ocean lapping the seashore. We catch it when a rainbow appears or we see lightning flash across the sky. But the magnitude is such that we can't fully understand how majestic our God really is.
I felt the familiar bubbling in my heart during the preceding song. I can't even remember what song that was, but I could feel myself approaching that state where the tears well up and spill down my cheeks. It took seconds once we started singing Majesty for the well to completely overflow. The first two lines of the song were enough to reach into my heart and move me to tears.
Here's the thing I want. I want to ALWAYS be moved to tears. I have said that before and I mean it. I want to always be overwhelmed by the magnitude of the Cross. By Jesus getting on that Cross, WILLINGLY and having nails driven into his hand and feet. Taking my sin. My punishment. Dying so that I could be free. And sit here today, writing about how filled with joy and gratitude that I am. God is so good. I can't say that enough, or express how deeply I feel that, in my bones and my heart.
We had a different preacher this morning. A guy that goes to our church. His sermon was very open, honest and real. He spoke from his heart and his struggles and really, that's the best kind of sermon, isn't it? I want someone to be real with me. To speak from their own life and struggles and God's grace in spite of them. That's one of the reasons I love my church so much. I know...it's not MY church...but you know what I mean!
Anyway, I wanted to share a few things that spoke to me during the sermon.
The first thing he shared that caused me to reflect was an Eastern philosophy that says "We can be so seduced by our pain that it relieves us of our responsibility."
I'm still trying to puzzle this one out, and how it applies to me. I mean, I could compare it to physical pain. There are a lot of days that my physical pain does keep me from my responsibilities as a wife and mother. It seems to get worse with each passing month, and it is easier then to make excuses and not do ANYTHING. I have to be careful that I am not just being lazy. Most of the time, I really do need to rest and prevent further injury to my back. But there are some days that I probably COULD do more than I do, but I think "Well, my back hurts so I'm just going to take it easy..."
Then there is the issue of emotional pain. Really, it is not different than the physical pain. For years, I did let my hurt and anger towards Kris prevent me from my responsibilities as his wife and God's child.
I think this philosophy/thought is something we should all think about and reflect on.
The other thing that I really liked was his declaration that the enemy uses fear. He said that there are really only two emotions: love and fear. I'm not sure yet if I agree with that wholeheartedly, but it's something to think about. What is behind pride? What is behind anger? What is behind jealously? FEAR. You know what? I think he might be right. What can we do about the fear that the enemy lays on our hearts and in our minds? Fight it with our Sword! Sword up! (HIMYM anyone?? Suit up!)
Isaiah 41:13
"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you 'Do not fear; I will help you.'"
Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
2 Timothy 1:7
"For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline."
**On this one, I'd just like to note that if that is true-if God gave us NOT a spirit of fearfulness-and we still feel fear, then that fear must come from the enemy.
So, tell me what you think this means; I'd be interested to hear your interpretation:
"We can be so seduced by our pain that it relieves us of our responsibility."
My friend made this today and posted it on my Facebook page. She knows me well. With me, be careful what you say. Or it'll go in the blog!
I had the EMG/NCV test done today. I had it done three years ago, and all I have to say about the two tests is that I do NOT remember it hurting that bad three years ago! The electric shock part hurt. The needle in my muscles hurt. My bicep STILL hurts. I was crying at one point, but fortunately the pain management doctor was really nice and moved the needle when it hurt too bad.
Here are the results:
No carpel tunnel.
No pinched nerves.
All the pain/numbness/weakness in my right arm is caused from the disc issues in my neck.
What can be done?
Surgery is still not recommended, as the pain management doctor thinks that if I do the surgery now on the two discs that have ruptured, I'll wind up having surgery again in a couple of years on other discs. Though, I will admit that my fear is that at some point every disc in my spine will be herniated at one time and I'll have to have a complete spinal replacement, which I am pretty sure they have not developed yet!
There is a question, Kris is "Googling" it, of the difference between herniated discs and bone spurs. The neurosurgeons both told me the discs herniated. The pain management doctor said bone spurs. Kris said once you have a herniated disc the bone spurs can grow. The difference is extra bone growing where it shouldn't be and the herniated disc is where the disc ruptures and isn't where it is supposed to be. If you combine the neurosurgeons and the pain management doctor's opinions, I have both. Who knows what is going on inside my neck!?!
I asked him about my back, as it has been so problematic lately. He simply said that he thought strength training would help that. :-/ I wasn't very happy about that, but over all, my back is feeling better today than Sunday and so I'll take it. I'm just trying to take it easy and make sure that I am not doing anything that will make the pain worse...which is pretty much EVERYTHING!
BUT...I am scheduled to have an epidural block in my neck on July 16th. I'm nervous about this, after reading through the little brochure they gave me about it. The first thing that the brochure said was that my pain could worsen in the first few days after the injection. I don't find that very encouraging!
The other thing the doctor gave me was a prescription for Gabapentin (Neurontin). He told me that it helps with nerve pain but that it can be difficult to get used to. He said that the hardest thing to adjust to is the extreme sedation it causes until your body is used to it. I was hoping that I could experiment with it tonight, to see if it would help me sleep actually, but every time they try to send a prescription over to Walgreens through their iPads (I blame APPLE), it doesn't work and I have to call. So, I will have to call tomorrow morning and have them call it in. So, maybe I'll sleep tomorrow night!
Overall, I feel like I'm making some progress with my pain, but still feel like I'm missing something. I can't quite explain it. I'm still frustrated in general and not a patient person. So waiting two weeks for the epidural block doesn't appeal to me, but it is what it is. I've just got to trust that this is all in God's timing and it's the next step in my treatment.
Have you ever taken Gabapentin/Neurontin? I'd love to hear what your experience (or that of someone you know) was. Just to give me something else to worry about. ;-) One person told me her husband was on it and was sleep walking before he got used to it. And either he or someone else she knew had very vivid dreams while on it. What about you? Any stories/possible side effects I should be aware of?
It is perhaps one of the most-asked questions in our country.
Why do people die?
Why did this happen to me?
Why can't this be easier?
Why are my kids driving me crazy?
And much of the time, people tend to blame God or question Him, at the very least. There is nothing wrong with asking God these questions. I asked God a lot why Kris' and my marriage has seemingly healed so much quicker than what is considered normal. Why do other couples have to go through more pain, more counseling, more healing than we do? I know that part of the answer is because Kris and I both had our own issues with sexual sin. We could understand how the other could get to the place that we did.
Additionally, we formed an alliance fairly early into our counseling/healing process. If Kris is feeling tempted, he knows that NO MATTER WHAT it is, he can tell me. That it isn't going to hurt me. That I WANT him to tell me when he is feeling tempted so that we can pray and take away the enemy's power. If he hides that from me, the enemy keeps a hold on him, and that foothold will eventually lead Kris down the same old, familiar path. And neither of us want that.
And likewise, with me, if I am struggling, or wanting to pull away or slip back into old habits, I can tell him. And he will pray for me. We can talk openly about these things, knowing that it is part of the healing process and something that we need, in order to keep the enemy away from our marriage. We are in no way perfect. I believe there is still a lot of healing that needs to take place. There are other areas where we need to dig deeper and peel back the layers even more. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever leave counseling without having spent the majority of the hour crying. But for the most part, Kris and I are doing exceptionally well. And that being said, I do wonder OFTEN why it has to be so difficult for others in similar situations.
Beyond that, there is so much pain. In this world. In our lives (all of us). It's hard to understand. And it's OK to ask WHY? It's OK to question why something had to happen to us. While I don't think it's helpful to blame God and pull away from Him, I can understand that tendency. After all, I did that. When God didn't answer my prayers and free Kris during the first 12 years of our marriage, I asked Kris and God how long we had to wait. I didn't blame God, per say, but I did wonder why He didn't answer my prayers. Why did He wait so long? It turns out that He had already given the victory. It took Kris hitting rock bottom to realize exactly what his sin was costing him. It took me hitting rock bottom to face my sin and allow it to truly be in the light. To allow God to break down the wall I had built up between me and Him. We had to reach our very lowest before God could step in and work. Otherwise, we would not have been receptive to it.
But that isn't why I started to write this. I wanted to talk about all the pain. The sadness. The sickness and the death.
It seems that I have so many friends with wounded hearts and broken marriages. And this breaks my heart. Since God smashed my wall down (Good Friday), He has filled me with such compassion and desire to see marriages healed and restored. I believe that God wants to do for others what He has done for Kris and I. And I believe that He wants to use Kris and I as tools to do this, in some cases.
Beyond that, I have a friend whose husband has stage 4 cancer, that seems to be spreading
everywhere. The latest test results were not good. I cannot even begin to imagine the fear and helplessness she is feeling. My heart breaks for her and her daughters. Will they have to say goodbye to their husband & father? Will God call him home before they are all ready? Because let's be honest. None of us are ready to face the death of a loved one. Even if we know that they will go on to be with the Lord, and free of pain and suffering, we (as humans) don't want to face that kind of pain. When someone we love dies, they take a piece of us with them. God can indeed comfort and heal those left behind, but knowing this doesn't make it any easier to face. I don't want to watch my friend say goodbye to her husband. They have two young children and I don't want her to have to face raising them without her husband by her side. They have been suffering through all of this for almost four years. How long will they suffer? Will God work a miracle or will He call this man home? He's not even 40 years old. Cancer is everywhere. It almost makes me as angry as Satan does sometimes. At least with Satan, you have some control over the place he has in your life. With cancer, you don't get to call the shots. There is no easy fix. There is no cure. People die every day from cancer. It's heartbreaking.
On Thursday, friends of mine from high school were shocked by the news that a young woman they knew and loved was in a tragic car accident with her two little babies. Her oldest wasn't in the vehicle and neither was her husband. Of course, it immediately reminded me of losing Angi, Josh and Jacob, while Shawn and Alex weren't in the vehicle. The mother died several hours after the accident. Her youngest I believe, a son, died early yesterday morning. The other child that was in the car had only minor injuries. It's devastating. I can remember what I felt when I heard the news about the Huckabas. I know that a lot of my friends back home are now feeling that same shock and sadness. They are in pain. They are asking Why?
There are just some things in life we can't understand.
Additionally, there are the people that I hurt directly. Some of them wounded severely. Some of them are still reeling from the news of what I did. Some of them are hurting so badly and there is nothing I can do about it (besides praying, which they may not even want from me).
I can't change what I did.
I can't take it back.
I can't undo the hurt and pain I caused.
All I can do is trust God and ask Him to strengthen me and help me to recognize when Satan is tempting me to feel that guilt and shame. I can still feel deeply saddened at the amount of hurt I caused to some people that I considered to be close friends, but I cannot let the guilt and shame rule my life anymore. It has no place in my heart.
Because God has forgiven me.
Because Jesus took my punishment.
Because I finally understood what the Cross was all about.
But that doesn't take away THEIR pain. And this is what I wrestle with.
I wish I had learned all of this seven years ago, so that I didn't hurt people anymore. I wish that that part of my story had truly ended seven years ago. But at the same time, Kris and I wouldn't have the marriage we do today if we didn't go through hell AFTER seven years ago. Unfortunately, a lot of people got dragged down because of our stupid choices. Because we didn't embrace God's true freedom in 2004.
While I believe that Kris and I needed to hit that rock bottom to really be free from what shackled us, I hate that so many people are hurting because of my actions. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by an extreme sorrow. In these moments, I allow myself to feel it. Because I truly believe that God is showing me just a SMALL portion of what those I have hurt are feeling. I allow myself to feel their pain. Pain that I caused. And I pray for them. I pray for comfort for them. I pray for peace in their hearts. I pray for restoration in the areas where healing needs to happen.
And maybe they don't want my prayers.
Maybe there are some that will never be able to forgive me.
But that isn't what God wants me to think about.
He wants me to be obedient.
I think that it is OK for me to pray for those that I hurt. Because it isn't a selfish prayer. It's about another believer in Christ interceding on their behalf to do what I cannot-to heal broken hearts. I can't sit by and not pray when I know that God wants me to. It isn't about asking God to help them forgive me. It is simply me knowing that prayer is the only thing that I can at this point. It's the only good thing I have to offer. It's the only amends I can make right now. And I have to trust that it is enough for now. Whatever God calls me to do later, in order to try to make up for the hurt I have caused, I'll do it.
So, here's the word on where I stand, after my visit with a Pain Management specialist yesterday.
Considering the fact that there are two ruptured discs in my neck and several others bulging throughout my spine, he said everything looked pretty good. I was thinking "Well, everything doesn't FEEL pretty good!"
He wants to do an EMG/NCV test on June 26th. He isn't convinced that there isn't nerve damage along C-8. He wants to see where the nerve damage is, what nerve is being damaged, and determine how bad the damage is. Something is causing my elbow pain.
He also wants to send me to physical therapy. I went through at least 3 different 6-week rounds of P.T. years ago and it was awful. Everything they had me do made me feel worse. The doctor told me that if anything I do makes the pain worse to stop. So at least that left me with some comfort.
Additionally, he prescribed a muscle relaxer for me to take twice a day.
Once he determines what is going on with the nerve in my arm and my elbow, he will know whether or not an epidural block in my neck would be necessary. He was starting to dismiss me and I said "What about my lower back?"
He said "I thought it was just your neck."
I said "No. I can't do daily activities without extreme pain in my lower back. Standing to cook or wash dishes, load the the dishwasher, switch laundry. These are all things that make my back hurt and the more I do them, the worse the pain gets; and the longer it lasts.
Thank God he listened to me. He sent me across the hall and had them x-ray my back and pelvis to see if anything shows up on the x-ray that will explain what is going on with my lower back. He said we'll discuss the results when I go back on the 26th.
He also showed me how my neck should be held at all times, my new posture. It's REALLY hard to hold my neck the right way. It is uncomfortable. But apparently, nothing he does for me will help if I don't learn to hold my head/neck right. I'll just have to keep practicing. I'm seriously considering one of the hard neck braces when I'm at home! Then I'd be forced to hold my neck the right way. At least, that's the theory...
I didn't leave as frustrated as I did last time. But at the same time, I'm skeptical of physical therapy and hate the way it always makes me feel really self-conscious. I guess we'll see.
