Already There

I have started 10 different blog posts, some dating back to Christmas; but it's now February 8th, and I'm not even going to get to any of them tonight.  There is something more pressing on my heart right now.  So everything else will have to wait.

Something happened today that took me back to a place of overwhelming fear.  I've written several posts about fear and how our counselor and church was involved in a "D.I.A." (Do It Again) surrounding my fear.  Since that night, God has broken the spirit of fear that had surrounded my life for thirty years!!

Today, however, was a true test in trusting God for me, when fear overwhelmed me.

I was on the phone with Kris this afternoon, when he asked me to hold on.  He had a text from Katherine (who was already home from school).  This text let Kris know that she heard on the bus that the elementary school that Abbey, Livvy, and Kaleb go to was on lock down.

Wait.

What?!?

LOCK DOWN?

Fear is easy...

...love is hard.

Can anyone else relate to that?

"Fear is easy, love is hard."

When I got my new Android tablet, it came with $25 to the Google Play store.  Perfect!  Since Katherine won't let me illegally obtain music from the library anymore, I have to BUY any music that I want.  I knew immediately that I wanted a Brandon Heath album.  I wound up with that, a couple of Matthew West albums, and a Jason Gray album (plus a couple extra songs).  And yes, I may have gone over the $25 by about $10.

That's how they get you.

They lure you in.

Just like the casinos..."Here have $25.  Then get greedy and spend even more.  We know you will!"

Majesty

I want to talk to you about "majesty". Before I do though, I want to just say that I LOVE my church family. I love Sunday mornings. I leave church feeling refreshed and uplifted. It's the greatest thing and I can't believe I missed out on that for so many years! I feel like I am making up for lost time. And I'm OK with that.

I've told you before that I cry a lot now. I weep. I FEEL everything. Pain, joy, relief; but mostly, gratitude. I sit in church and we sing and a song will come on. And my kids will just stare at me, wondering what is wrong with Mommy. Kris usually tells them that he thinks I'm happy. He's right. I'm so overcome with joy and gratitude in these moments, that it spills over from my heart and I just weep.

Today was no exception. This time, the song was Majesty. Some synonyms for majesty are grandeur, splendor, greatness, mightiness. It conveys the message that this is something HUGE. Something we can't fathom with our human minds. We see glimpses of it as we glance at the mountains, or the ocean lapping the seashore. We catch it when a rainbow appears or we see lightning flash across the sky. But the magnitude is such that we can't fully understand how majestic our God really is.

I felt the familiar bubbling in my heart during the preceding song. I can't even remember what song that was, but I could feel myself approaching that state where the tears well up and spill down my cheeks. It took seconds once we started singing Majesty for the well to completely overflow. The first two lines of the song were enough to reach into my heart and move me to tears.



Here's the thing I want. I want to ALWAYS be moved to tears. I have said that before and I mean it. I want to always be overwhelmed by the magnitude of the Cross. By Jesus getting on that Cross, WILLINGLY and having nails driven into his hand and feet. Taking my sin. My punishment. Dying so that I could be free. And sit here today, writing about how filled with joy and gratitude that I am. God is so good. I can't say that enough, or express how deeply I feel that, in my bones and my heart.

We had a different preacher this morning. A guy that goes to our church. His sermon was very open, honest and real. He spoke from his heart and his struggles and really, that's the best kind of sermon, isn't it? I want someone to be real with me. To speak from their own life and struggles and God's grace in spite of them. That's one of the reasons I love my church so much. I know...it's not MY church...but you know what I mean!

Anyway, I wanted to share a few things that spoke to me during the sermon.

The first thing he shared that caused me to reflect was an Eastern philosophy that says "We can be so seduced by our pain that it relieves us of our responsibility."

I'm still trying to puzzle this one out, and how it applies to me. I mean, I could compare it to physical pain. There are a lot of days that my physical pain does keep me from my responsibilities as a wife and mother. It seems to get worse with each passing month, and it is easier then to make excuses and not do ANYTHING. I have to be careful that I am not just being lazy. Most of the time, I really do need to rest and prevent further injury to my back. But there are some days that I probably COULD do more than I do, but I think "Well, my back hurts so I'm just going to take it easy..."

Then there is the issue of emotional pain. Really, it is not different than the physical pain. For years, I did let my hurt and anger towards Kris prevent me from my responsibilities as his wife and God's child.

I think this philosophy/thought is something we should all think about and reflect on.

The other thing that I really liked was his declaration that the enemy uses fear. He said that there are really only two emotions: love and fear. I'm not sure yet if I agree with that wholeheartedly, but it's something to think about. What is behind pride? What is behind anger? What is behind jealously? FEAR. You know what? I think he might be right. What can we do about the fear that the enemy lays on our hearts and in our minds? Fight it with our Sword! Sword up! (HIMYM anyone?? Suit up!)

Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you 'Do not fear; I will help you.'"

Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline." **On this one, I'd just like to note that if that is true-if God gave us NOT a spirit of fearfulness-and we still feel fear, then that fear must come from the enemy.

So, tell me what you think this means; I'd be interested to hear your interpretation:

"We can be so seduced by our pain that it relieves us of our responsibility."

Confession

When I woke up at 4am after less than 4 hours of sleep, I had no idea what the day would hold.  I had to leave early to go pick Katherine and Kaleb up from camp.  The camp was 2 1/2 hours away and my alarm wasn't set to go off until 5am.  I tried to go back to sleep but then I had a nightmare, and after almost elbowing Kris in the face when I jolted awake, I decided going back to sleep wasn't the best idea.  So I got up and got ready, then I laid down on the couch.

I got back home around noon, and as I was sitting on the couch, I got an email from my mother-in-law.  She told me that she really thought it would be best if my parents heard my whole story from me directly.  I thought about it and realized she was right.  I was so ready to move forward and I knew that God was ready for me to share my story, but I hadn't stopped to consider my parents.  So I took her wise advice and began the process of sharing with my parents what has been going on and about God's work in our life and our marriage.

I was very scared.  It's one thing to tell a complete stranger my story.  But someone that I know and love, and someone that loves me?  All kinds of questions go through your head.  What will they think?  Will they be disappointed in you?  Will they still love you?  Will this make your relationship stronger or worse?  I had so many fears flying through my head and heart.  I was incredibly anxious and couldn't breathe.  But I took that step forward that I had been trying to avoid for as long as possible.

I realized that none of those questions mattered.  I knew what I had to do and so I did it.  And really, they were just stall tactics from the enemy.  It is amazing to me, being able to see how the enemy is constantly at work.  I am so thankful that God has opened my eyes and is helping me to realize when my thoughts are not of Him.  Any thought that isn't of God, must come from the enemy.  Fear is from the enemy.  And it keeps us tied down.  It keeps us where we are.  It keeps us from moving forward.  And if the enemy can keep us stranded in fear, he is accomplishing his purpose.

I wasn't ready to tell my parents the ugly truth about my life.  But God knew that I was going to be able to do it, gave me the strength, and blessed me through their loving and forgiving response towards me and Kris.

And of course, I heard a new song today that I just HAVE to share with you.  I know that music isn't for everyone but it is a huge part of how God speaks to me and helps me through life.  I don't believe in coincidences, as I have said many times before.  I think that God gave me this song at just the right time.  It was shortly after I received the reply from my parents.  I was driving and feeling overwhelmed by God's goodness and grace in my life.  I was thankful that my fears were unfounded.  I was grateful to have parents that have been praying for me and my family, and that love us so much.  And then this song came on.  And God just reminded me that I no longer have to live as that person I used to be.  In fact, I am NOT that person.  I am NEW.  Check this out!  The lyrics are below. They speak for themselves.  Very powerful.

I Am New - Jason Gray

Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me

But I'm not defined

By mistakes that I've made

Because God says of me

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

Who I thought I was 

And who I thought I had to be

I had to give them both up

Cause neither were willing

To ever believe

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

Too long I have lived

In the shadows of shame

Believing that there was no way I could change

But the one who is making everything new

Doesn't see me the way that I do

He doesn't see me the way that I do

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

Dead to the old man, I'm coming alive

I am new

Forgiven

Beloved

Made in the image of the Giver of life

Righteous and Holy

Reborn and Remade

Accepted and Worthy

This is our new name

This is who we are now