Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Prayers With Olivia #1
You can always count on the kids to tell God exactly what they are thinking at any given moment. We could take lessons in prayer from our children.
Apparently she's okay with cars running into the neighbor kids, as long as they don't do it "a lot."
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Little Bishops Recap
I'm torn when it comes to this blog. In general, my writing has been infrequent and inconsistent. It is partly due to working on a computer all day. It's partly that I feel exhausted when I get home from work. I know this might shock you, but scanning papers and typing on a computer all day long is less than glamorous.
It's difficult to keep up with two blogs also. I have trouble writing consistently on Loving When It Hurts, which is where my passion lies. And then, at the same time, I have hilarious conversations with the kids, and I think "When was the last time I shared those with you?"
So, while I can't promise that I will write every day, or more than once or twice a month, I still feel like I should keep writing here. I want a place to share my kids' lives, the crazy things I do, see or hear, and to talk about my book.
What is the status of your book you ask?
It's difficult to keep up with two blogs also. I have trouble writing consistently on Loving When It Hurts, which is where my passion lies. And then, at the same time, I have hilarious conversations with the kids, and I think "When was the last time I shared those with you?"
So, while I can't promise that I will write every day, or more than once or twice a month, I still feel like I should keep writing here. I want a place to share my kids' lives, the crazy things I do, see or hear, and to talk about my book.
What is the status of your book you ask?
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Under Attack
"There's a battle between good and evil, and it's raging inside of me. There's struggle: it's God and the devil. It's Love against the enemy."
I mentioned in a previous post that Kris and I were asked to share our story at a workshop this coming weekend. We've talked briefly about what we would say. What we would add that we didn't have time to say when we gave our testimony at church. What we could do, the format, etc...bits and pieces here and there.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
School Supplies
As I sat in my van after spending almost $150 on school supplies for just three of my four kids, and all of the emotional stability I had left, God did His thing.
Again.
Always faithful.
I always dread buying school supplies. I am grateful to my mom for buying back packs for all of the kids this year. I still need to buy them tennis shoes. I had already bought Katherine's supplies last pay period. In general though, I HATE school supplies.
I especially hate that instead of asking me to provide school supplies for those that can't afford them, they just build them into the list. And I also understand that funding is low and so we have to provide things like Kleenex and hand sanitizer for the teachers (though I still believe the school should be responsible for these things). HOWEVER...the whole thing leaves me feeling angry. I was agitated before we even went into Walmart. I had already seen the list. I had already bought Katherine's supplies, including 4 boxes of 20 count pencils FOR MATH! Plus "enough pencils to last the entire year". I had slight frustration there.
But going in to get the rest of the supplies at 11pm on Friday night (to avoid crowds, which we barely did...), I was already in a mood that would quickly deteriorate. Livvy needs SIX boxes of 24 count crayons? Seriously? She's in first grade. How many crayons is she really going to go through? Oh and I just know she is going to use those Expo dry erase markers. And 12 folders, 3 in four different colors each? I know that I am providing four folders for her and four for two other children. Again...I am typically a very generous person. You can ask Kris. He'll vouch for me. But when you cushion it under one's school supply list and don't tell them up front that they are paying for everyone else, well...that makes me feel a little less giving. Just TELL ME that you want me to provide school supplies for those who can't afford it. I can't afford it either to be honest, but I'd much rather CHOOSE to give school supplies, even when we can't afford it than be forced to.
All of that to tell you how I found myself at a very low point Friday night.
I was mad at Kris, because it really felt like he wasn't being supportive during this entire school shopping nightmare. He wasn't upset at the injustice of it all, like I was, thus he didn't care (after all, that's how we interpret this isn't it???) And this bothered me. My final straw was when I pulled out a dress that I KNEW Katherine would LOVE and he shot it down. How on earth would he know her fashion sense better than I would????
So we check out, and I am completely silent. My body language, I'm sure, was speaking loudly though. I bit back some sarcastic remarksnot easily about how incredibly slow Kris was unloading the cart, but didn't bother to help him. I was just done. Spent. I couldn't will myself to participate in this supply shopping event any longer.
When we got outside, I took the keys from Kris and started the van, sitting there stewing while he loaded the bags into the van. And as if I hadn't had enough "drama", Kris wouldn't leave the parking lot. I had made it abundantly clear that I was upset, by saying nothing. We sat there in the van. Kris desperately trying to think of something to say or do to make me happy. Me intensely longing for him to do what I was thinking in my head he should do.
Well, as it turns out, he too recognized what I couldn't speak. That Satan was attacking us. We had just finished a great evening with some new friends, and had talked about how when you are in the middle of an argument, prayer can have a lot of power. Prayer can make it awfully hard to stay mad. And so Kris prayed. And he prayed everything I was thinking and feeling. We were so connected without me having to speak.
And as Kris was ending his prayer, this song came on. I kid you not. God blesses me like this all the time! And Kris got the benefit of hearing, through JoyFM, how powerfully God can move and speak.
I've always loved this song.
In the past, I have always related to the lines that say "For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on, they've lost all of their faith in love. They've done all they can to make it right again, still it's not enough. For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains, you try to give up but you come back again. Just remember that your not alone in your shame and your suffering."
But not Friday night. Friday night I heard an entirely different part of the song.
And sidebar--Kris and I were discussing how truly grateful we are to be on the OTHER side of this now and to not have our lives spelled out in the verse listed above.
Prior to hearing the song, Kris asked me what I was feeling, and I told him "like I am about to crash". I used to have weeks go by where I would go and go and go, and I would be drained emotionally. And then I would completely lose it. I would be despondent and want to just run away and hide. So I shared that with Kris. I told him that all of this job hunting is exhausting and not living in the privacy of our own home during the 735 degree temperatures was really starting to take a toll on me. I also told him I was feeling fat and ugly. He interjected "Are those actual feelings?" We didn't really dwell on that. What it all really was...it was an attack from the enemy. It is the first time since April that I have felt that low. That emotionally broken. Not spiritually. Just emotionally. I was at the end of my rope. I had apparently had all I thought I could take. I was about to have a complete meltdown.
And then Kris started praying.
And then...I felt it. Complete peace. The sadness was gone. The negative feelings were gone. And Cry Out To Jesus was playing on the radio. I burst into sobs as I heard (for the first time--really HEARD) "There is hope for the helpless, REST FOR THE WEARY, love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing. HE'LL MEET YOU WHEREVER YOU ARE. Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus."
How cool is that??
Kris and I spent a lot of time talking about it. He made a comment that I just really loved, and I "wrote" it down in my phone so I could reference it in this post. He said, "You know, a year ago if we had an experience like this, we would have just gone home mad at each other." What a cool place for us to be at in our lives and our marriage now that we can talk about it and really explore what is going on inside our minds and hearts.
And then, as the icing on the cake, we heard the following two songs:
Again.
Always faithful.
I always dread buying school supplies. I am grateful to my mom for buying back packs for all of the kids this year. I still need to buy them tennis shoes. I had already bought Katherine's supplies last pay period. In general though, I HATE school supplies.
I especially hate that instead of asking me to provide school supplies for those that can't afford them, they just build them into the list. And I also understand that funding is low and so we have to provide things like Kleenex and hand sanitizer for the teachers (though I still believe the school should be responsible for these things). HOWEVER...the whole thing leaves me feeling angry. I was agitated before we even went into Walmart. I had already seen the list. I had already bought Katherine's supplies, including 4 boxes of 20 count pencils FOR MATH! Plus "enough pencils to last the entire year". I had slight frustration there.
But going in to get the rest of the supplies at 11pm on Friday night (to avoid crowds, which we barely did...), I was already in a mood that would quickly deteriorate. Livvy needs SIX boxes of 24 count crayons? Seriously? She's in first grade. How many crayons is she really going to go through? Oh and I just know she is going to use those Expo dry erase markers. And 12 folders, 3 in four different colors each? I know that I am providing four folders for her and four for two other children. Again...I am typically a very generous person. You can ask Kris. He'll vouch for me. But when you cushion it under one's school supply list and don't tell them up front that they are paying for everyone else, well...that makes me feel a little less giving. Just TELL ME that you want me to provide school supplies for those who can't afford it. I can't afford it either to be honest, but I'd much rather CHOOSE to give school supplies, even when we can't afford it than be forced to.
All of that to tell you how I found myself at a very low point Friday night.
I was mad at Kris, because it really felt like he wasn't being supportive during this entire school shopping nightmare. He wasn't upset at the injustice of it all, like I was, thus he didn't care (after all, that's how we interpret this isn't it???) And this bothered me. My final straw was when I pulled out a dress that I KNEW Katherine would LOVE and he shot it down. How on earth would he know her fashion sense better than I would????
So we check out, and I am completely silent. My body language, I'm sure, was speaking loudly though. I bit back some sarcastic remarks
When we got outside, I took the keys from Kris and started the van, sitting there stewing while he loaded the bags into the van. And as if I hadn't had enough "drama", Kris wouldn't leave the parking lot. I had made it abundantly clear that I was upset, by saying nothing. We sat there in the van. Kris desperately trying to think of something to say or do to make me happy. Me intensely longing for him to do what I was thinking in my head he should do.
Well, as it turns out, he too recognized what I couldn't speak. That Satan was attacking us. We had just finished a great evening with some new friends, and had talked about how when you are in the middle of an argument, prayer can have a lot of power. Prayer can make it awfully hard to stay mad. And so Kris prayed. And he prayed everything I was thinking and feeling. We were so connected without me having to speak.
And as Kris was ending his prayer, this song came on. I kid you not. God blesses me like this all the time! And Kris got the benefit of hearing, through JoyFM, how powerfully God can move and speak.
I've always loved this song.
In the past, I have always related to the lines that say "For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on, they've lost all of their faith in love. They've done all they can to make it right again, still it's not enough. For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains, you try to give up but you come back again. Just remember that your not alone in your shame and your suffering."
But not Friday night. Friday night I heard an entirely different part of the song.
And sidebar--Kris and I were discussing how truly grateful we are to be on the OTHER side of this now and to not have our lives spelled out in the verse listed above.
Prior to hearing the song, Kris asked me what I was feeling, and I told him "like I am about to crash". I used to have weeks go by where I would go and go and go, and I would be drained emotionally. And then I would completely lose it. I would be despondent and want to just run away and hide. So I shared that with Kris. I told him that all of this job hunting is exhausting and not living in the privacy of our own home during the 735 degree temperatures was really starting to take a toll on me. I also told him I was feeling fat and ugly. He interjected "Are those actual feelings?" We didn't really dwell on that. What it all really was...it was an attack from the enemy. It is the first time since April that I have felt that low. That emotionally broken. Not spiritually. Just emotionally. I was at the end of my rope. I had apparently had all I thought I could take. I was about to have a complete meltdown.
And then Kris started praying.
And then...I felt it. Complete peace. The sadness was gone. The negative feelings were gone. And Cry Out To Jesus was playing on the radio. I burst into sobs as I heard (for the first time--really HEARD) "There is hope for the helpless, REST FOR THE WEARY, love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing. HE'LL MEET YOU WHEREVER YOU ARE. Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus."
How cool is that??
Kris and I spent a lot of time talking about it. He made a comment that I just really loved, and I "wrote" it down in my phone so I could reference it in this post. He said, "You know, a year ago if we had an experience like this, we would have just gone home mad at each other." What a cool place for us to be at in our lives and our marriage now that we can talk about it and really explore what is going on inside our minds and hearts.
And then, as the icing on the cake, we heard the following two songs:
Has God used any songs to speak to you lately?
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Why?
Why?
It is perhaps one of the most-asked questions in our country.
Why do people die?
Why did this happen to me?
Why can't this be easier?
Why are my kids driving me crazy?
And much of the time, people tend to blame God or question Him, at the very least. There is nothing wrong with asking God these questions. I asked God a lot why Kris' and my marriage has seemingly healed so much quicker than what is considered normal. Why do other couples have to go through more pain, more counseling, more healing than we do? I know that part of the answer is because Kris and I both had our own issues with sexual sin. We could understand how the other could get to the place that we did.
Additionally, we formed an alliance fairly early into our counseling/healing process. If Kris is feeling tempted, he knows that NO MATTER WHAT it is, he can tell me. That it isn't going to hurt me. That I WANT him to tell me when he is feeling tempted so that we can pray and take away the enemy's power. If he hides that from me, the enemy keeps a hold on him, and that foothold will eventually lead Kris down the same old, familiar path. And neither of us want that.
And likewise, with me, if I am struggling, or wanting to pull away or slip back into old habits, I can tell him. And he will pray for me. We can talk openly about these things, knowing that it is part of the healing process and something that we need, in order to keep the enemy away from our marriage. We are in no way perfect. I believe there is still a lot of healing that needs to take place. There are other areas where we need to dig deeper and peel back the layers even more. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever leave counseling without having spent the majority of the hour crying. But for the most part, Kris and I are doing exceptionally well. And that being said, I do wonder OFTEN why it has to be so difficult for others in similar situations.
Beyond that, there is so much pain. In this world. In our lives (all of us). It's hard to understand. And it's OK to ask WHY? It's OK to question why something had to happen to us. While I don't think it's helpful to blame God and pull away from Him, I can understand that tendency. After all, I did that. When God didn't answer my prayers and free Kris during the first 12 years of our marriage, I asked Kris and God how long we had to wait. I didn't blame God, per say, but I did wonder why He didn't answer my prayers. Why did He wait so long? It turns out that He had already given the victory. It took Kris hitting rock bottom to realize exactly what his sin was costing him. It took me hitting rock bottom to face my sin and allow it to truly be in the light. To allow God to break down the wall I had built up between me and Him. We had to reach our very lowest before God could step in and work. Otherwise, we would not have been receptive to it.
But that isn't why I started to write this. I wanted to talk about all the pain. The sadness. The sickness and the death.
It seems that I have so many friends with wounded hearts and broken marriages. And this breaks my heart. Since God smashed my wall down (Good Friday), He has filled me with such compassion and desire to see marriages healed and restored. I believe that God wants to do for others what He has done for Kris and I. And I believe that He wants to use Kris and I as tools to do this, in some cases.
Beyond that, I have a friend whose husband has stage 4 cancer, that seems to be spreading
everywhere. The latest test results were not good. I cannot even begin to imagine the fear and helplessness she is feeling. My heart breaks for her and her daughters. Will they have to say goodbye to their husband & father? Will God call him home before they are all ready? Because let's be honest. None of us are ready to face the death of a loved one. Even if we know that they will go on to be with the Lord, and free of pain and suffering, we (as humans) don't want to face that kind of pain. When someone we love dies, they take a piece of us with them. God can indeed comfort and heal those left behind, but knowing this doesn't make it any easier to face. I don't want to watch my friend say goodbye to her husband. They have two young children and I don't want her to have to face raising them without her husband by her side. They have been suffering through all of this for almost four years. How long will they suffer? Will God work a miracle or will He call this man home? He's not even 40 years old. Cancer is everywhere. It almost makes me as angry as Satan does sometimes. At least with Satan, you have some control over the place he has in your life. With cancer, you don't get to call the shots. There is no easy fix. There is no cure. People die every day from cancer. It's heartbreaking.
On Thursday, friends of mine from high school were shocked by the news that a young woman they knew and loved was in a tragic car accident with her two little babies. Her oldest wasn't in the vehicle and neither was her husband. Of course, it immediately reminded me of losing Angi, Josh and Jacob, while Shawn and Alex weren't in the vehicle. The mother died several hours after the accident. Her youngest I believe, a son, died early yesterday morning. The other child that was in the car had only minor injuries. It's devastating. I can remember what I felt when I heard the news about the Huckabas. I know that a lot of my friends back home are now feeling that same shock and sadness. They are in pain. They are asking Why?
There are just some things in life we can't understand.
Additionally, there are the people that I hurt directly. Some of them wounded severely. Some of them are still reeling from the news of what I did. Some of them are hurting so badly and there is nothing I can do about it (besides praying, which they may not even want from me).
I can't change what I did.
I can't take it back.
I can't undo the hurt and pain I caused.
All I can do is trust God and ask Him to strengthen me and help me to recognize when Satan is tempting me to feel that guilt and shame. I can still feel deeply saddened at the amount of hurt I caused to some people that I considered to be close friends, but I cannot let the guilt and shame rule my life anymore. It has no place in my heart.
Because God has forgiven me.
Because Jesus took my punishment.
Because I finally understood what the Cross was all about.
But that doesn't take away THEIR pain. And this is what I wrestle with.
I wish I had learned all of this seven years ago, so that I didn't hurt people anymore. I wish that that part of my story had truly ended seven years ago. But at the same time, Kris and I wouldn't have the marriage we do today if we didn't go through hell AFTER seven years ago. Unfortunately, a lot of people got dragged down because of our stupid choices. Because we didn't embrace God's true freedom in 2004.
While I believe that Kris and I needed to hit that rock bottom to really be free from what shackled us, I hate that so many people are hurting because of my actions. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by an extreme sorrow. In these moments, I allow myself to feel it. Because I truly believe that God is showing me just a SMALL portion of what those I have hurt are feeling. I allow myself to feel their pain. Pain that I caused. And I pray for them. I pray for comfort for them. I pray for peace in their hearts. I pray for restoration in the areas where healing needs to happen.
And maybe they don't want my prayers.
Maybe there are some that will never be able to forgive me.
But that isn't what God wants me to think about.
He wants me to be obedient.
I think that it is OK for me to pray for those that I hurt. Because it isn't a selfish prayer. It's about another believer in Christ interceding on their behalf to do what I cannot-to heal broken hearts. I can't sit by and not pray when I know that God wants me to. It isn't about asking God to help them forgive me. It is simply me knowing that prayer is the only thing that I can at this point. It's the only good thing I have to offer. It's the only amends I can make right now. And I have to trust that it is enough for now. Whatever God calls me to do later, in order to try to make up for the hurt I have caused, I'll do it.
It is perhaps one of the most-asked questions in our country.
Why do people die?
Why did this happen to me?
Why can't this be easier?
Why are my kids driving me crazy?
And much of the time, people tend to blame God or question Him, at the very least. There is nothing wrong with asking God these questions. I asked God a lot why Kris' and my marriage has seemingly healed so much quicker than what is considered normal. Why do other couples have to go through more pain, more counseling, more healing than we do? I know that part of the answer is because Kris and I both had our own issues with sexual sin. We could understand how the other could get to the place that we did.
Additionally, we formed an alliance fairly early into our counseling/healing process. If Kris is feeling tempted, he knows that NO MATTER WHAT it is, he can tell me. That it isn't going to hurt me. That I WANT him to tell me when he is feeling tempted so that we can pray and take away the enemy's power. If he hides that from me, the enemy keeps a hold on him, and that foothold will eventually lead Kris down the same old, familiar path. And neither of us want that.
And likewise, with me, if I am struggling, or wanting to pull away or slip back into old habits, I can tell him. And he will pray for me. We can talk openly about these things, knowing that it is part of the healing process and something that we need, in order to keep the enemy away from our marriage. We are in no way perfect. I believe there is still a lot of healing that needs to take place. There are other areas where we need to dig deeper and peel back the layers even more. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever leave counseling without having spent the majority of the hour crying. But for the most part, Kris and I are doing exceptionally well. And that being said, I do wonder OFTEN why it has to be so difficult for others in similar situations.
Beyond that, there is so much pain. In this world. In our lives (all of us). It's hard to understand. And it's OK to ask WHY? It's OK to question why something had to happen to us. While I don't think it's helpful to blame God and pull away from Him, I can understand that tendency. After all, I did that. When God didn't answer my prayers and free Kris during the first 12 years of our marriage, I asked Kris and God how long we had to wait. I didn't blame God, per say, but I did wonder why He didn't answer my prayers. Why did He wait so long? It turns out that He had already given the victory. It took Kris hitting rock bottom to realize exactly what his sin was costing him. It took me hitting rock bottom to face my sin and allow it to truly be in the light. To allow God to break down the wall I had built up between me and Him. We had to reach our very lowest before God could step in and work. Otherwise, we would not have been receptive to it.
But that isn't why I started to write this. I wanted to talk about all the pain. The sadness. The sickness and the death.
It seems that I have so many friends with wounded hearts and broken marriages. And this breaks my heart. Since God smashed my wall down (Good Friday), He has filled me with such compassion and desire to see marriages healed and restored. I believe that God wants to do for others what He has done for Kris and I. And I believe that He wants to use Kris and I as tools to do this, in some cases.
Beyond that, I have a friend whose husband has stage 4 cancer, that seems to be spreading
everywhere. The latest test results were not good. I cannot even begin to imagine the fear and helplessness she is feeling. My heart breaks for her and her daughters. Will they have to say goodbye to their husband & father? Will God call him home before they are all ready? Because let's be honest. None of us are ready to face the death of a loved one. Even if we know that they will go on to be with the Lord, and free of pain and suffering, we (as humans) don't want to face that kind of pain. When someone we love dies, they take a piece of us with them. God can indeed comfort and heal those left behind, but knowing this doesn't make it any easier to face. I don't want to watch my friend say goodbye to her husband. They have two young children and I don't want her to have to face raising them without her husband by her side. They have been suffering through all of this for almost four years. How long will they suffer? Will God work a miracle or will He call this man home? He's not even 40 years old. Cancer is everywhere. It almost makes me as angry as Satan does sometimes. At least with Satan, you have some control over the place he has in your life. With cancer, you don't get to call the shots. There is no easy fix. There is no cure. People die every day from cancer. It's heartbreaking.
On Thursday, friends of mine from high school were shocked by the news that a young woman they knew and loved was in a tragic car accident with her two little babies. Her oldest wasn't in the vehicle and neither was her husband. Of course, it immediately reminded me of losing Angi, Josh and Jacob, while Shawn and Alex weren't in the vehicle. The mother died several hours after the accident. Her youngest I believe, a son, died early yesterday morning. The other child that was in the car had only minor injuries. It's devastating. I can remember what I felt when I heard the news about the Huckabas. I know that a lot of my friends back home are now feeling that same shock and sadness. They are in pain. They are asking Why?
There are just some things in life we can't understand.
Additionally, there are the people that I hurt directly. Some of them wounded severely. Some of them are still reeling from the news of what I did. Some of them are hurting so badly and there is nothing I can do about it (besides praying, which they may not even want from me).
I can't change what I did.
I can't take it back.
I can't undo the hurt and pain I caused.
All I can do is trust God and ask Him to strengthen me and help me to recognize when Satan is tempting me to feel that guilt and shame. I can still feel deeply saddened at the amount of hurt I caused to some people that I considered to be close friends, but I cannot let the guilt and shame rule my life anymore. It has no place in my heart.
Because God has forgiven me.
Because Jesus took my punishment.
Because I finally understood what the Cross was all about.
But that doesn't take away THEIR pain. And this is what I wrestle with.
I wish I had learned all of this seven years ago, so that I didn't hurt people anymore. I wish that that part of my story had truly ended seven years ago. But at the same time, Kris and I wouldn't have the marriage we do today if we didn't go through hell AFTER seven years ago. Unfortunately, a lot of people got dragged down because of our stupid choices. Because we didn't embrace God's true freedom in 2004.
While I believe that Kris and I needed to hit that rock bottom to really be free from what shackled us, I hate that so many people are hurting because of my actions. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by an extreme sorrow. In these moments, I allow myself to feel it. Because I truly believe that God is showing me just a SMALL portion of what those I have hurt are feeling. I allow myself to feel their pain. Pain that I caused. And I pray for them. I pray for comfort for them. I pray for peace in their hearts. I pray for restoration in the areas where healing needs to happen.
And maybe they don't want my prayers.
Maybe there are some that will never be able to forgive me.
But that isn't what God wants me to think about.
He wants me to be obedient.
I think that it is OK for me to pray for those that I hurt. Because it isn't a selfish prayer. It's about another believer in Christ interceding on their behalf to do what I cannot-to heal broken hearts. I can't sit by and not pray when I know that God wants me to. It isn't about asking God to help them forgive me. It is simply me knowing that prayer is the only thing that I can at this point. It's the only good thing I have to offer. It's the only amends I can make right now. And I have to trust that it is enough for now. Whatever God calls me to do later, in order to try to make up for the hurt I have caused, I'll do it.
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