Under Attack

"There's a battle between good and evil, and it's raging inside of me.  There's struggle: it's God and the devil.  It's Love against the enemy."

I mentioned in a previous post that Kris and I were asked to share our story at a workshop this coming weekend.  We've talked briefly about what we would say.  What we would add that we didn't have time to say when we gave our testimony at church.  What we could do, the format, etc...bits and pieces here and there.

Let me just tell you...

So...funny story...

First of all, we'll start off with a conversation I had with Abbey.

After VBS tonight, I told Kris that I was at my limit.  I was done!  I'd had it up to HERE (pretend you can see how high my hand is...).  Abbey asked what it meant to be "at my limit".  I responded by saying this:

"I don't feel like being a mom right now."

She responded with:

"Do you feel like being a friend?"

She always makes me laugh.  That kid just has this way of saying things.  It removed the tension I was feeling, for the most part.

So, we went to Walgreens, because my prescription for Xanax ran out and I had NONE.  We got there and they had sent it to the wrong Walgreens.  So we had to then wait for them to fill the prescription, because the wrong location was already closed.  15 minutes.  She said that it would take just 15 minutes.

It didn't take JUST 15 minutes.  But I asked Kris if I could go inside alone, to wait for the prescription.  I needed some peace and time to myself.  Even if it was just for 15 minutes (which it wasn't).

I started walking around and remembered that Kris said he needed a razor.  So I found the razor aisle and thought I would just grab the one I needed.  Nope.  Not possible.

Why?

Because of this:

My first thought was "What kind of drug are they making with razors/razor blades?"  Then I considered that maybe they were trying to cut down on people cutting themselves.  But I looked to my left and found all the cheap razors out for anyone to buy.  I pondered this, while I thought "I need that orange razor in there."  There were several signs posted that said "For assistance, push the help button."

OK...feel free to laugh with/at me, OK?

So I'm standing there.

Looking at the glass.

Trying to see a button.  There is this little picture that shows what the button looks like, but I couldn't find it.  I would turn my head to make sure no one was looking and then push lightly on the small metal things on the glass.  I probably tried 10 of them, incognito.

But no.  That didn't work.  I stared and stared at the glass, looking for this supposed help button.  I even tried to push in on the metal pieces where the keys go in to unlock it.  Yes, I was THAT idiot.  There is probably a video of me already being uploaded to that "crazy people in Walmart website."

Finally, deciding that someone was just pulling some awful prank on me, I went to the front and asked for help with the razors.

A man comes over and sort of points to this HUGE RED BOX with a BUTTON on it.

One that you can push for assistance.  It was over in front of the cheap razors.  
Even though I had looked there, I didn't see this big box, right in front of my eyes!!

And the guy had NO sense of humor at all.  I was telling him how I kept looking all over for it.  He just said "No problem."

It gets better.

I said "Um...why are these all locked up?  Are there really that many people shaving???"

Again, he didn't laugh.

He just told me that it is one of the most stolen items!

So I said "Are they putting THOSE in meth too now?"

Instead of laughing, he said "I don't think so."  He mumbled something about the Sudafed being locked up for that reason.  I don't think he understood how humorous I was.  Poor guy.  He is really missing out.

And then, as if I was a thief about to bolt with my razor blades to make my meth, he wouldn't give me the razor blades.  He said he had to walk them to the register.  He was holding them away from me.  I think he was worried.  Maybe he had some foreknowledge that I was there to pick up Xanax in the first place.  Maybe he was keeping calm, so I didn't go all crazy on him!

I felt like he may as well have just taken my hand like a child and led me to the counter.

So I get to the counter to find out that my prescription that was supposed to be ready in 15 minutes hadn't been put through correctly.  It was going to take another 15 minutes.  I told the lady "I need that!"  I've done really well NOT taking Xanax during the day.  My panic attacks are lessening (though there was a minor one today when I was in a situation that could have been--but wasn't--awkward).  But all in all, I am only taking the Xanax at night to help me sleep.  This is a huge step for me.

But after four crazy days (some spent writing a resume, cover letters-which are stupid, and applying for jobs AND then helping at VBS (which I NEVER do-I swear this church is doing something to me...), then having extremely late nights with the kids, (and a really bad run on sentence...) the kids have been awful.  Fighting, screaming, hitting, being disrespectful, etc...it's been a long, exhausting week.  And I was not happy about being completely out of my Xanax.  

So they needed to fill that prescription, like yesterday, or else I was going to get those razor blades out and start cutting people!

I finally made it out of there with everything I needed and we got back and got the kids settled into bed.  While we were driving home, out of the blue, Olivia said "Who wants to play 'Torture'??"  I asked her if that is really what she said.  She assured me that it was.  Where do they come up with this stuff.  Why do Abbey and Olivia always pretend that someone has died, they are killing someone, or now torture???

All of that to say that the weekend could not come any sooner!  My mother-in-law has been gracious enough to keep the kids for us so that Kris and I can attend a marriage weekend.  BOTH of us are so looking forward to some time away, just the two of us.  It's an added bonus that we will be focusing on strengthening our marriage!  I can't wait to see what God has in store for us.  I think Satan has been on the prowl so much, trying to prevent us from experiencing what God has in store for us, both through VBS and the marriage weekend.  But we aren't going to let him steal our joy!  Joy comes in the morning.  Because in the morning, it will be Friday! ;-)

What are your plans for the weekend?

Process

The definition of "process" (as a verb) is to treat or prepare for something with a specific series of actions.  When we have to emotionally "process" something, there are steps we take in order to cope and deal with life.  That is what we call processing.  And by we, I mean me.

Kris and I have been doing a lot of "processing" throughout the last four months.  It's been painful at times, but through this, we are stronger and healthier than ever before.  I am so thankful that God led us to The Outpost when He did; from the Power of Purity conference, to counseling, to finding a real church family-it is exactly what we needed.  God has been so good to us.  We are so unworthy and undeserving.  And yet, He loves us anyway.  I still can't get over it.  I hope that I never do.

About once a week now, something happens that gets my heart beating faster, makes breathing more difficult, and just in general leaves me feeling like a jumbled ball of nerves, unable to cope.  For a few moments, it literally paralyzes me.  I have to force my mind and body into action.  You've "heard" me talk about consequences and collateral damage.  I've come to accept these moments as they come, but it doesn't get any easier.  Each time, it sends me into a panic and I have to try to "process" it.  I hate that feeling.  But it is a consequence of my choices.

Here is what I find so interesting about these moments of panic.  Instead of feeling this way every moment of every day, I only feel this way about once a week (two or three times if it's a really bad week).  Instead of living with this anxiety on a regular basis, I am finally free of it, for the most part.  Until something comes up that is a reminder of my past, a consequence of my actions.  I think it is amazing to only deal with the anxiety from time to time, instead of constantly.  You don't understand what a huge difference this is from the way I was living.  I was always anxious.  Always taking Xanax to calm my nerves.  I recognize now that much of my anxiety was coming directly from the choices I was making.

That is one of the GOOD consequences for finally doing the right thing (even if God had to pull me into the light).  My anxiety is now something that I feel I have some amount of control over.  Instead of just swallowing me up, I can feel it coming on and take steps to PROCESS it.  I can pray.  I can call Kris.  I can read the many passages in the Bible about anxiety/worry.  I don't have to take 2 Xanax and wait for it to kick in.  It is no longer my first priority.  It's a last resort.  Instead of reaching for the bottle of pills, I reach for something better.  Something stronger.  The nail-scarred hand of my Savior.  Do I still take Xanax?  Yes.  Sometimes.  But with each anxious moment, I am trying harder to resist it.  To go to the one who asks me to cast my anxiety on him.  He took my punishment.  He can take my anxiety.  

I heard a song today.  You're shocked aren't you?  It seemed to really fit with this.  Since Good Friday, I have been living this song and am so grateful for the second chance I was given.

"I felt love, I felt your grace.  You stole my heart that day.  You've been walking with me all this time."  - Britt Nicole, "All This Time"

How do you "process" life in all it's chaos?  Yoga?  Deep breathing?  Freaking out?  Taking it to the Lord?