"There's a battle between good and evil, and it's raging inside of me. There's struggle: it's God and the devil. It's Love against the enemy."
I mentioned in a previous post that Kris and I were asked to share our story at a workshop this coming weekend. We've talked briefly about what we would say. What we would add that we didn't have time to say when we gave our testimony at church. What we could do, the format, etc...bits and pieces here and there.
Today is the first time I have had a panic attack in quite some time. I think the enemy is playing with me. I think he is trying to launch any attack at me that he can. He doesn't like where I am headed. He doesn't like where Kris and I are headed. He wants to keep me down. He wants to distract me from the fact that Kris and I are approaching SIX months of what we are calling "sobriety". For both of us. This is a HUGE deal!!
And I think that Satan knows it.
I think he knows that we are claiming victory over sin and walking in the light.
And he is NOT happy.
Today I started thinking, in the midst of the roiling in my stomach, that the sleep paralysis is somehow related to stress. Some others have suggested that, and while I didn't feel anxious or stressed, it isn't beyond the realm of possibility that it was manifesting itself through sleep for me. And today, now that I've been sleeping better (4-5 hours at night anyway, with no nightmares) for the last few days, my stress of not having a job is turning into a full blown panic attack. Which is ridiculous because I have NO doubt that God will provide for our needs, and don't feel 'stressed'.
Thank God (really, I'm praising Him!) for Kris. I sent him a chat telling him I was feeling anxious. He left for lunch and called me, talked to me, and prayed for me. And while I am still feeling anxious...
I am so blessed.
Some days I cannot believe how much God has done in our marriage, and in my heart personally over the last six months. Some days I have no words. Songs still come on and reduce me to tears. And I welcome them, songs and tears alike. I am still FEELING.
Everything.
I am still overwhelmed by God's love and goodness.
And His redemption.
As I sat here typing, this song was playing:
I love the lyrics to this song.
This is my prayer today-that I can rest in the comfort of God's arms and cast my cares on Jesus.
Because He cares for me.
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He became sin, who knew no sin
That we might become His righteousness
He humbled Himself and carried the Cross
Love so amazing
Love SO amazing
Jesus Messiah
Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel
The rescue for sinners
The ransom from heaven
Jesus Messiah
Lord of all
His body, the bread
His blood, the wine
Broken and poured out all for love
The whole earth tremble and veil was torn
Love so amazing
Love SO amazing
Jesus Messiah
Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel
The rescue for sinners
The ransom from heaven
Jesus Messiah
Lord of all
All our hope is in You
All our hope is in You
All the glory to You, God
The light of the world
Jesus Messiah
Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel
The rescue for sinners
The ransom from heaven
Jesus Messiah
Lord of all
The definition of "process" (as a verb) is to treat or prepare for something with a specific series of actions. When we have to emotionally "process" something, there are steps we take in order to cope and deal with life. That is what we call processing. And by we, I mean me.
Kris and I have been doing a lot of "processing" throughout the last four months. It's been painful at times, but through this, we are stronger and healthier than ever before. I am so thankful that God led us to The Outpost when He did; from the Power of Purity conference, to counseling, to finding a real church family-it is exactly what we needed. God has been so good to us. We are so unworthy and undeserving. And yet, He loves us anyway. I still can't get over it. I hope that I never do.
About once a week now, something happens that gets my heart beating faster, makes breathing more difficult, and just in general leaves me feeling like a jumbled ball of nerves, unable to cope. For a few moments, it literally paralyzes me. I have to force my mind and body into action. You've "heard" me talk about consequences and collateral damage. I've come to accept these moments as they come, but it doesn't get any easier. Each time, it sends me into a panic and I have to try to "process" it. I hate that feeling. But it is a consequence of my choices.
Here is what I find so interesting about these moments of panic. Instead of feeling this way every moment of every day, I only feel this way about once a week (two or three times if it's a really bad week). Instead of living with this anxiety on a regular basis, I am finally free of it, for the most part. Until something comes up that is a reminder of my past, a consequence of my actions. I think it is amazing to only deal with the anxiety from time to time, instead of constantly. You don't understand what a huge difference this is from the way I was living. I was always anxious. Always taking Xanax to calm my nerves. I recognize now that much of my anxiety was coming directly from the choices I was making.
That is one of the GOOD consequences for finally doing the right thing (even if God had to pull me into the light). My anxiety is now something that I feel I have some amount of control over. Instead of just swallowing me up, I can feel it coming on and take steps to PROCESS it. I can pray. I can call Kris. I can read the many passages in the Bible about anxiety/worry. I don't have to take 2 Xanax and wait for it to kick in. It is no longer my first priority. It's a last resort. Instead of reaching for the bottle of pills, I reach for something better. Something stronger. The nail-scarred hand of my Savior. Do I still take Xanax? Yes. Sometimes. But with each anxious moment, I am trying harder to resist it. To go to the one who asks me to cast my anxiety on him. He took my punishment. He can take my anxiety.
I heard a song today. You're shocked aren't you? It seemed to really fit with this. Since Good Friday, I have been living this song and am so grateful for the second chance I was given.
"I felt love, I felt your grace. You stole my heart that day. You've been walking with me all this time." - Britt Nicole, "All This Time"
How do you "process" life in all it's chaos? Yoga? Deep breathing? Freaking out? Taking it to the Lord?
Today is the first day in about 3 weeks that I have felt "better". If you were following me before, you may remember a couple of despondent posts in which I talk about my battle with depression and the current downward spiral I was on. Today was a good day! Yesterday, not so much. I cried. A lot. Everything just seemed to come crashing down. The depression, the mice, work, the Google "issues"...
But today my mother-in-law took me out for lunch and pedicures. I love my feet and I love having them pampered even more! We went to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch. I've never been thrilled with their entrees but that Dulce de Leche cheesecake? Delicious!!
When we were leaving something happened. Something frightening. OK...to a NORMAL person, not prone to panic attacks, it wouldn't have been scary at all. But my mother-in-law got quite a kick out of watching me in my anxious state. Let me start out by saying that my mother-in-law's van has those fancy automatic sliding doors. She pushes a button on her key ring and they will open up. Let me also say that when we were leaving her house, she opened them, just as we were walking towards it. This would have seemed perfectly normal, IF WE HAD KIDS WITH US!! I asked her "Why are you opening the back doors?" She told me that her husband taught her this "trick" to cool the van down quicker.
So let me get this straight. When it is 90 degrees outside, and you are walking out to your van, if you open the back doors just before you get in, then you get in and close the back doors, the van will be cooled off? Is that right? I'll tell you this much. I didn't notice a difference AT ALL! I just rolled my eyes, thinking "Yeah...great idea..." and off we went for our afternoon of pampering.
BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND...
We were walking out to the van after lunch and I was just strolling calmly along, within about 10 feet of the van, my mother-in-law trailing along behind me. ALL OF A SUDDEN the van door opens up right in front of me which left me screaming (not loudly), jumping back and thinking someone was going to leap out of the stupid van to attack me! And what did my mother-in-law do? Did she comfort me, knowing how high my anxiety has been? Did she apologize? NO.
SHE LAUGHED!
She just stood there laughing at me. With my heart racing, I got in the car and had to admit that it must have been quite amusing. I believe that you have to laugh at yourself sometimes. Sometimes it is the only way to get through the hard times in your life (well, that and prayer of course!).
