School Supplies

As I sat in my van after spending almost $150 on school supplies for just three of my four kids, and all of the emotional stability I had left, God did His thing.

Again.

Always faithful.

I always dread buying school supplies.  I am grateful to my mom for buying back packs for all of the kids this year.  I still need to buy them tennis shoes.  I had already bought Katherine's supplies last pay period.  In general though, I HATE school supplies.

I especially hate that instead of asking me to provide school supplies for those that can't afford them, they just build them into the list.  And I also understand that funding is low and so we have to provide things like Kleenex and hand sanitizer for the teachers (though I still believe the school should be responsible for these things).  HOWEVER...the whole thing leaves me feeling angry.  I was agitated before we even went into Walmart.  I had already seen the list.  I had already bought Katherine's supplies, including 4 boxes of 20 count pencils FOR MATH!  Plus "enough pencils to last the entire year".  I had slight frustration there.

But going in to get the rest of the supplies at 11pm on Friday night (to avoid crowds, which we barely did...), I was already in a mood that would quickly deteriorate.  Livvy needs SIX boxes of 24 count crayons?  Seriously?  She's in first grade.  How many crayons is she really going to go through?  Oh and I just know she is going to use those Expo dry erase markers.  And 12 folders, 3 in four different colors each?  I know that I am providing four folders for her and four for two other children.  Again...I am typically a very generous person.  You can ask Kris.  He'll vouch for me.  But when you cushion it under one's school supply list and don't tell them up front that they are paying for everyone else, well...that makes me feel a little less giving.  Just TELL ME that you want me to provide school supplies for those who can't afford it.  I can't afford it either to be honest, but I'd much rather CHOOSE to give school supplies, even when we can't afford it than be forced to.

All of that to tell you how I found myself at a very low point Friday night.

I was mad at Kris, because it really felt like he wasn't being supportive during this entire school shopping nightmare.  He wasn't upset at the injustice of it all, like I was, thus he didn't care (after all, that's how we interpret this isn't it???)  And this bothered me.  My final straw was when I pulled out a dress that I KNEW Katherine would LOVE and he shot it down.  How on earth would he know her fashion sense better than I would????

So we check out, and I am completely silent.  My body language, I'm sure, was speaking loudly though.  I bit back some sarcastic remarks not easily about how incredibly slow Kris was unloading the cart, but didn't bother to help him.  I was just done.  Spent.  I couldn't will myself to participate in this supply shopping event any longer.

When we got outside, I took the keys from Kris and started the van, sitting there stewing while he loaded the bags into the van.  And as if I hadn't had enough "drama", Kris wouldn't leave the parking lot.  I had made it abundantly clear that I was upset, by saying nothing.  We sat there in the  van.  Kris desperately trying to think of something to say or do to make me happy.  Me intensely longing for him to do what I was thinking in my head he should do.

Well, as it turns out, he too recognized what I couldn't speak.  That Satan was attacking us.  We had just finished a great evening with some new friends, and had talked about how when you are in the middle of an argument, prayer can have a lot of power.  Prayer can make it awfully hard to stay mad.  And so Kris prayed.  And he prayed everything I was thinking and feeling.  We were so connected without me having to speak.

And as Kris was ending his prayer, this song came on.  I kid you not.  God blesses me like this all the time!  And Kris got the benefit of hearing, through JoyFM, how powerfully God can move and speak.

I've always loved this song.

In the past, I have always related to the lines that say "For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on, they've lost all of their faith in love.  They've done all they can to make it right again, still it's not enough.  For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains, you try to give up but you come back again.  Just remember that your not alone in your shame and your suffering."

But not Friday night.  Friday night I heard an entirely different part of the song.

And sidebar--Kris and I were discussing how truly grateful we are to be on the OTHER side of this now and to not have our lives spelled out in the verse listed above.

Prior to hearing the song, Kris asked me what I was feeling, and I told him "like I am about to crash".  I used to have weeks go by where I would go and go and go, and I would be drained emotionally.  And then I would completely lose it.  I would be despondent and want to just run away and hide.  So I shared that with Kris.  I told him that all of this job hunting is exhausting and not living in the privacy of our own home during the 735 degree temperatures was really starting to take a toll on me.  I also told him I was feeling fat and ugly.  He interjected "Are those actual feelings?"  We didn't really dwell on that.  What it all really was...it was an attack from the enemy. It is the first time since April that I have felt that low.  That emotionally broken.  Not spiritually.  Just emotionally.  I was at the end of my rope.  I had apparently had all I thought I could take.  I was about to have a complete meltdown.

And then Kris started praying.

And then...I felt it.  Complete peace.  The sadness was gone.  The negative feelings were gone.  And Cry Out To Jesus was playing on the radio.  I burst into sobs as I heard (for the first time--really HEARD) "There is hope for the helpless, REST FOR THE WEARY, love for the broken heart.  There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing.  HE'LL MEET YOU WHEREVER YOU ARE.  Cry out to Jesus.  Cry out to Jesus."

How cool is that??

Kris and I spent a lot of time talking about it.  He made a comment that I just really loved, and I "wrote" it down in my phone so I could reference it in this post.  He said, "You know, a year ago if we had an experience like this, we would have just gone home mad at each other."  What a cool place for us to be at in our lives and our marriage now that we can talk about it and really explore what is going on inside our minds and hearts.

And then, as the icing on the cake, we heard the following two songs:

Has God used any songs to speak to you lately?