I just want to read my book

The kids and I went to the library yesterday, with my mother-in-law, to sign up for the summer reading programs.  Having worked the last four summers straight, I didn't even know they had one for adults! And Katherine, scary as this is, is in the teen reading program because she is going into 6th grade in the fall.

So I was all pumped up to read, and chose several books, since I'm so incredibly picky about authors.

If you know me, you know I don't really like female authors. Beyond that, I have even more trouble tolerating Christian female authors, which I know is ironic, since I am a Christian female writing a book.

Katherine and I were joking around about it and she said "What about Suzanne Collins and J.K. Rowling?"

I told her that was different. They write like men. That's what makes them good.  So I'll just have to write like a man, or I will hate my own book!

All that to go to a completely different topic. I'm laying on the couch trying to read a book, written by a Christian  female author.  The horror!  I chose the book solely based on the title, because it hit so close to home for me. It's called "Beauty For Ashes" by Dorothy Love.

I'm 150 pages in, and while I'm not loving it, I'm not hating or merely tolerating it.  In fact, I came across a paragraph in the book that I really liked.  So much that I had to share it before I get to the real reason I started writing this post.  And what is ironic is that a friend and I had actually talked about something quite similar this afternoon.

"You say your life is a mess, and maybe it is, but he can bring order out of chaos and turn the worst suffering to his good.  But you must be willing to surrender everything into his safekeeping."

So I'm laying here trying to read, but I can't stop crying. It was one of those moments where I couldn't stop the tears if I tried.  And I didn't want to try to stop them. I knew that they were OK.  Something happened today.  Something that lifted my spirits greatly.  I had received an email from someone that had to withdraw from our friendship a couple months back; it was collateral damage for my own sinful actions.

When I first read it, it was very superficial (I don't mean that negatively); she was asking me a question about something that had nothing to do with me or my family or hers.  Seeing that email from her made my heart ache.  I missed her and I missed our friendship.  But I knew that it was right a few months ago, when she had to distance herself from me.

I responded to her email, and something happened.  We exchanged a few emails, and the next thing I knew, I was headed up to the local park with the sprinklers near our house, where she also happened to be (in the email she told me she would be there).  The kids hadn't seen each other in a long time and it was great to reunite them.  They had a lot of fun and my friend and I talked.

When I left, I realized just how much I missed my friend.  It is rare to find someone that you can bare your soul to.  Even rarer...to find someone who knows all the horrors that hide inside you, and still loves you.  I have a lot of great friends these days, ones who know my story and have embraced me wholeheartedly.  I am part of a church community that is like a family to me.  But this is different.  This friend and I were so close, when I was the old Jamie.  And for her to show such love and kindness to me now, to the NEW Jamie...it just left me in tears.  When I got home, I sent her an email simply to say "thank you".  We exchanged a few more emails and it was truly a blessing to me.

But I was still perplexed, trying to determine what I was feeling, as the tears rolled down my face.

You know what I think it was?

RELIEF.

That is all I could think to describe it.  Such immense relief and peace.  And hope.  Hope that someday, with God's grace and when the time is right, we can rebuild what we had.

And to go along with the theme "beauty for ashes" I want to share two things.  One is the verse in the Bible that talks about that.

Isaiah 61:3:
"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.  In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory."

Another is something a friend posted on Facebook.  In the caption of the picture she shared, she put the verse that you can find at the top of my blog.  One of my new favorites: Ezekiel 36:26.

Check out this sculpture.  I think it is amazing and I will insist that Kristopher take me to Philadelphia someday to see it.  It is so amazing to me and symbolic to my life before understanding the Cross, and the freedom when I embraced the Cross.  Please check out the FULL sculpture at Zenos Frudakis.  The website prevents me from posting the figures in the sculpture and I didn't feel right "stealing" the picture from my friend's page!