AHHH!!!!

Don't you just love it when you have very specific plans and then all of a sudden, you find out that those plans have changed, or worse just aren't going to happen?  I don't deal well with change.  At all.  Especially the little day to day things.  Like when I'm supposed to go somewhere and for one reason or another, I find out at the last minute that I can't go.  Or like tonight, when I was supposed to video chat with Kris (I'm in Indiana and he's home in Missouri).  But due to the time difference and his last minute change of schedule, he's now hanging out with a friend, which is great.  But it means that most likely my medicine will kick in and I'll be asleep before he even gets home.

Do any of you out there deal with these types of changes easily?  Am I the only crazy one?  I know that the answer is most likely a resounding yes but I just thought I'd ask.

For whatever reason, my heart and mind seem to process and deal with the bigger changes much easier.  If someone I love dies, while it is very sad, I am able to handle that without the same anxiety and disappointment.  Especially if they knew the Lord and are in a place where there is no more pain.  It's easier for me to cope with the bigger losses.  Of course, I haven't had to go through the loss of a child that was born (I did have one miscarriage) or the death of a spouse (so maybe in that scenario it would be much harder than these stupid little things that upset me).  And when my mind is really going, sometimes I wonder if God is gearing me up for something like that.  I know it is crazy nonsense, that I jump 25 steps ahead in how I think about things, instead of just taking it one moment at a time.   I can't help it.  I've always been this way.

Because this is how my mind works.  I think about everything Kris and I have gone through and I wonder "What's next?"  What kind of hurdle will be next?  Won't we, like the disciples, face trials in this life?  I can't honestly think that Kris and I have been through all we're going to go through. I can hope and pray that this is the worst we've been through where being lured into Satan's traps are concerned.  That the trials we will face will be of a different nature.

But when I am questioning things, like tonight because of this disappointment of not being able to talk to Kris, I start questioning everything.  And my paranoia sets in and I just start in one place, and then in my mind I find that I now have this scenario in my head that at some point in the future, I'm going to lose one of my children or my husband in some tragic accident of some sort.  Here's to hoping they aren't kidnapped or murdered, because that is where my head is trying to take me.  I am beginning to think that these outrageous thoughts are from Satan.  Surely they aren't from God!

I know that I am rambling.  It's this need to cope with what I am feeling right now.  Which is primarily disappointment.  And I can feel Satan trying to wrap his hands around me.  I can hear him trying to whisper "If Kris really loved you, he would go home now and talk to you."  And the reality is, Kris is having a really good night, talking with an old friend, sharing things that I am sure is long overdue.  And he has a rare opportunity to hang out with another guy and play a game.  I don't want to be that college aged girl anymore who would get upset with him for wanting to play a video game instead of spending time with me.

And I think another big part of it is this odd sensation that I have been feeling since BEFORE he went back home this morning.  I MISS HIM.  This is new to me.  I know it may sound crazy.  Some of you are thinking "Of course you do.  That's normal."  But, it wasn't always normal for me.  I miss him so much that it hurts.  I know that is a common expression, but it's a true one.  My heart aches to have him by my side.  I've taken for granted the closeness we have had and how much we have grown.  And how having him beside me makes me feel stronger.  I was crying last night in his arms, just thinking about him leaving.  Torn between wanting to stay here and spend time with my family, and just leaving with the kids and him at 6:30 this morning.  I was really having a difficult time with the thought of him leaving.  And now that it is night time and the house is quiet; and he isn't laying next to me, I feel sad.  I've grown so used to having him there and wanting him beside me that I don't know what to do now that he isn't here.  And I know it's a bit ridiculous, since he just left this morning (though I was barely conscious) and he'll be back tomorrow night.  But knowing that doesn't change how I feel.

Just now, he is chatting at me that he has changed his plans and is now headed home so we can talk.  So two things happen.  #1.  I feel intensely guilty that he had to leave his friend's house.  #2.  I have to cope with another minor change to my plans, even though I'm still getting the end result I originally wanted.

This is a peek inside this crazy brain of mine.  This is the kind of night I'm having.  And I recognize that most of it is the enemy.  Especially that tendency to feel guilty.  This is the first time I've felt that, since Good Friday, and it's over something I couldn't control.  I didn't ask him to leave his friend's house.  I tried to do quite the opposite because I wanted him to have that time.  But, the guilt comes because I feel like he left out of some obligation.  When in reality, I know (because he told me so) that he really wants to talk to me (which makes me happy and guilty at the same time).  So, this entire thing is ridiculous and this post itself is a pathetic rendering of the kind of nonsense that goes on inside me sometimes, but there you have it.

How do you deal with change?  I could sure use some tips!