Friendship

It is only through trials that we can truly understand what friendship is really all about.

Of all the friends I have had throughout my semi-short life (shut up, I'm only 33!), there are three friendships in particular that have grown stronger through the pain that I have caused to them.

When I was 15, I wounded a friend and God taught me through that experience.

Several years ago, I unintentionally hurt a very dear friend and it caused a rift between us, until my friend Angi Huckaba died.  Her death actually brought this friend and I back together again.  Even then, we had trouble making time to get together.  These days though, we've spent more time together than ever before and it has been incredible.  

I don't make friends easily.  It doesn't come naturally to me.  I have been fortunate to have a few close friends over the course of my life.  And for one reason or another, most of those friends and I have drifted apart.  And it breaks my heart.  I don't understand why I can't keep steady, ongoing friendships.  Someone once said that she thought friendships were in seasons.  But really, I think that is only true for some people.  It seems that some of my friends are still very close with friends they made even in grade school.  But I don't have that.  I still talk to some of them from time to time, on Facebook.

But it seems that when I get really close to someone, something happens or changes.  And the distance grows, until we barely speak anymore.  In most cases, it isn't anything intentional or a hurt on either side. It's just how it seems to happen.

Then, there are other friends who I have wounded deeply, either through my words or actions.  Most recently, was the loss of someone that I cared about so much.  But due to MY actions, she had to discontinue our friendship.  I was greatly saddened by this, but also understood that this was collateral damage.  It was a consequence of my actions.  I had hurt her, and she needed time and space.  She had to process what I had done, in her own time.  I had no idea in April if I would ever be friends with this person again.  And while it broke my heart, because she was one of the few CLOSE friends I managed to keep for several years, I had to accept that I had hurt her and potentially destroyed our friendship.

But recently, God has been working in her and giving her strength and guidance.  And she has initiated contact with me, and we have spent some time together.  It was emails at first.  And then, we met and let our kids play together.

Today though, we spent the entire day together.  In some ways, it was as if nothing had changed at all between us.  The closeness and the comfort of her presence was so refreshing.  I have missed her so much these last few months.  I have felt completely alone, as I have tried to process everything.  Don't get me wrong.  The friends I have made AFTER God's miracle in my life are friends that I think I will always have.  But there are very few close friends that knew me BEFORE, that I am still close to AFTER.  The fact that we are renewing our friendship, and trying to rebuild it is so overwhelming for me.  I cried several times throughout the day, talking to her and just appreciating where God has brought us.  I was exhausted emotionally and yet, completely content.  Spending the day with her was beyond amazing.  God is beyond GOOD.  I am beyond blessed!  I don't deserve a God that loves me and a Savior that died for me.  I don't deserve a husband that is still by my side.  And I certainly don't deserve the friendship of this girl, especially considering the circumstances surrounding the distance she needed to begin with.  It's one of those "if you only knew" scenarios.

You see...most people would say "Screw her.  I can't believe she did that to you.  You don't need to be associated with her.  Treat her with anger and contempt.  No one should do what she did to you."

And yet...this dear friend of mine has opened her heart to what God wants for her, and has such a heart for ME.  A love that I don't deserve.  This whole time, she has worried about me.  She has tried to help me, to keep me from anxiety.  Even in the midst of her own sorrow and pain, she has wanted only the best for me.  The world today doesn't understand this kind of friendship.  Our world says "If someone hurts you, you either cut them off completely or you do whatever you can to hurt them back."  But that isn't what God wants for us.  That isn't how He wants us to treat people.  And this friend has shown me what a real friend is.  

I feel like I am rambling.  My thoughts aren't coming out the way I want them to.  Or maybe they are and I am just really rambling.  I don't care.  I'm just trying to process what happened today and am just so grateful that God is restoring us.  It was amazing to me that we could sit and talk all day long, and at least on my end, feel completely comfortable.  I just can't stop thinking about how BEYOND good our God is.

I really can't think right now.  I'm going to blame it on the sleep meds.  But I know that I wanted to put this video in my blog, even if it has nothing to do with the post.  I love this song and my friend and I were just talking about the concept in the lyrics of running to Jesus' arms, instead of our husbands or someone or something else.  I apologize for the chaos of this post.  I can't think straight tonight.