Marriage.
A brief (ha ha) history:
Married at 19.
Young and in love.
Nothing was going to stop us.
We'd beat the odds.
We'd overcome all the trials, whatever they may be.
There was a secret though. It would eventually send our marriage spiraling down; leaving us broken and fearful that we couldn't be fixed.
I developed a blood clot, 4 months into our marriage, in my Subclavian vein (up in my neck somewhere) that caused my arm to swell up, resulting in an 8 day hospital stay and a diagnosis of Factor V Leiden. I won't explain it. You can Google it (or just click that link). I left the hospital being told "You might get another clot in your life. You might not." Hey...those sound like the odds I got for whether or not I would find relief if I have neck surgery!
I got pregnant at age 20, while on Coumadin (a blood thinner used to prevent future clots). I was supposed to be on it for 6 months. I was about 4 months into my weekly pro times (again, Google it) We were told to abort the baby because the birth defects would be too severe.
We immediately sought a second opinion and got a better prognosis. Coumadin wouldn't affect the baby unless continued into the second and third trimesters.
I almost miscarried about two months into the pregnancy.
But then, we didn't.
God is good. Katherine's middle name was changed from Elizabeth to Grace as soon as we heard her heartbeat, after a torturous night of prayers and mourning, truly believing we had lost her.
We were in college and shortly (AND I MEAN SHORTLY-like 6 weeks) after Katherine's birth, I got pregnant with Kaleb.
This entire time, I am depressed, and don't know it. Kris and I are fighting a lot at this time and he seems to be angry all the time.
Abigail came just 13 months after Kaleb.
Five years into our marriage, I was done. Ready to quit. I felt worthless and ugly and unwanted. It may not have been true, but it is what I believed. That is when my own downward spiral began.
That secret we started out our marriage with, continued to wreak havoc in our lives and our marriage.
And I had my own secret now. In addition to Kris'.
I had a miscarriage in December of 2004, again about two months into the pregnancy. And then I managed to get myself pregnant again about 4 weeks later. Yes, I know how that happens. I guess I'm just good at it. Oh how I wish I could have responded that way all those years ago when we were criticized so severely for all of our babies.
Olivia was born in 2005, and our family was "officially" complete 2 months later when I begged my doctor to "tie my tubes".
We just kept trudging along, me unhappy the majority of the time and Kris oblivious to the danger our marriage was in. He's a peacemaker. It's his nature to believe that everything is good and do what he can to make sure I'm "happy".
Jump ahead to February 11, 2012 and my nightmare became reality. Our marriage really was on the verge of collapse. I had one foot across the line of leaving Kris completely. Stepping away from my family and seeing what life could be like alone.
Our secrets were exposed. They were yanked away, quite literally. And we had to choose how to move forward.
But during that pivotal week, between February 11 and February 19, God was working and moving. Truly, He had been working and moving throughout the last 13 years, but we were just blind to it.
Because we had secrets.
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| Who knew how true this would be? So thankful I learned this lesson, even if it was the hard way. |
The happy ending? It is still yet to come.
But on February 19, 2012, I found my way back home to Kris. Not in just the literal sense either. In my heart. It would still be almost 2 months before I would find my way home to God. But in that moment, that night I came home, I knew what it meant to be truly home. I didn't know what our marriage would look like, and to be honest, was still doubtful that things would change. That we could recover from the aftermath that exposure of our secrets brought with them. But we started counseling and God just pulled us along full-force, no stopping for breaks along the way. That's the only way I can describe it.
He took something so completely lost and broken, and seemed to have some sort of speed drying glue that He pieced us back together with. It isn't normal for us to "heal" as quickly as we have. And we still have a ways to go. But we are both healthier spiritually and our marriage is stronger than it could have been, even if the last 13 years had been perfect. Because truth be told, if all you know is happiness, you can't grow. Because growth requires pain. What mother among us hasn't yelled "It's just growing pains!" 20 million times to a kid complaining about an aching arm or leg? Growth requires that we stretch and when you are not in shape, that growth HURTS. Stretching hurts. Being pulled and moved HURTS. But it is only through that that something truly beautiful grows.
So as I look back over the last 13 years, I am so thankful that I have Kris. I'm glad I married him. Through all the peaks and valleys we would go through, I am thankful I chose him on June 5, 1999. And more than ever, I am thankful to choose him today, on June 5, 2012.
I can't wait for the day (hopefully 2 years from today) when we can stand before everyone we love and say our marriage vows, fully aware of the depth behind them and the covenant that they truly represent. You can't just take your marriage vows lightly. You have to really understand what you are saying to your spouse when you get married.
And so, Kris and I will renew our wedding vows. We'll make a public, symbolic gesture of what we started on February 19, 2012. We started over and some day soon, we will tell our story and look back at this year as the year of change. As the year of renewal and freedom. As the year that we found each other, for the first time. As the year that we fell in love and gave our hearts wholly and completely to one another.
Kristopher, there is no one or nothing else I would rather spend my days and nights, months and years with besides you. You are home to me. I love you. For a thousand years.
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