#1. I can remember back before we were dating, when I first started to "like" Kris. You know, that butterflies-in-your-stomach-can't-wait-to-see-him feeling? It was like that, only better! We had been friends during the first semester of school.
Everybody liked Kris.
He's a pretty likable guy.
He's like his father in that way.
Everyone likes Kris' dad.
Something about both of them makes them likable. They exude kindness. In addition to that, Kris has always had a heart for God. Even the midst of his struggles and addiction, he has tried to seek God and overcome. Always. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Listening to him read a paper in English class or talking to him one on one always brought me joy. He was intelligent and knew what he wanted. I always admired him.
#2. I will never forget how our first date came about. I had to sort of
#3. The week before Kris proposed, I knew he had asked my dad if he could marry me. Very old-fashioned. Very respectful. I loved it. The next weekend, he told me to dress up, and that we were going to go out. I thought for sure this was *the* night! We went to the restaurant where we had our first date. He took me downtown and we went on a carriage ride and walked down by The Arch. We had a really great date. And yet, he still didn't propose. I had an expectation and it didn't happen. As we drove back to campus, I was very quiet. When I'm mad, I'm a little sarcastic. When I'm furious, I can't speak. I was FUMING! And because I didn't know the St. Louis interstates at this point, when we got on I-170, I just KNEW we were going back to college. I was seething. Poor Kris! Well, to my surprise, we ended up at his mom's house. Which wasn't that unusual. We always went to his mom's. So, we went inside and I noticed flowers on her table. I remember thinking "I wonder where she got those flowers." I never thought for a minute they were for me. Remember, I was furious and convinced at this point that Kris was NOT going to propose. I moved into the dining room to take a closer look at the flowers. When I approached, I saw a piece of paper on the table. And there was a hand-written note on the bottom, to me from Kris. [I'll share the poem at the end of this post.]
I realized that the flowers and the poem/note were for me. But I still had convinced myself that Kris was not going to propose. But all was forgiven when I saw the flowers and the note. I went to hug him, to tell him thank you and about tripped over him. It took me a moment to process what I saw. Kris. Down on one knee. Ring in his hand. Taking mine. Asking "Will you marry me?"
We STILL laugh about how MAD I was that night. It speaks volumes about Kris and his character; that he could take my anger and frustration in stride, be patient, and still ask me to marry him anyway!
#4. He LOVES my cooking. I know that sounds like it's more about me, and maybe in some ways it is. But it has always meant a lot to me that he loves my cooking. He is not a dessert person. Give him meat and potatoes and he's a happy, happy man! So, it was always surprising (and pleasing) to me when he loved my desserts too! He'll still take steak any day over anything else though. He made me feel good whenever he complimented my cooking, and told others how good it was. He gave me confidence in that area, and I've always loved that about him.
#5. I will never forget one of my first real self-conscious moments with Kris. I was sitting on our bed. I was upset. I had put on 30 pounds in our first 6 months of marriage. All that good cooking I was doing. ;-) I was crying and really hating my body. Kris came and stood in front of me. He lifted my head and we had this conversation:
Kris: You know I love you, right?
Me: Yes.
Kris: And you love me, right?
Me: Yes.
Kris: Then nothing else matters.
Sure...maybe he evaded the real issue, but he showed me in that moment that all that mattered was our love for each other. How I looked, how much I weighed...none of that mattered. As long as we loved each other, that would be enough. In those early months of marriage, it was enough for me. That moment, the exact words, will always stay with me. It speaks of Kris' sweet nature and kindness.
#6. I've tried a lot of different things. Crocheting, quilting, BeautiControl, Pampered Chef, writing, making headbands and jewelry. In each of these endeavors, Kris has cheered me on, supported me, and believed in me. He has never said "I wish you wouldn't do that." He has never shot me down. He has never made me feel guilty for spending money we didn't have on hobbies I enjoyed. He has constantly been by my side, encouraging me and making me believe that I can do whatever I set my mind to.
#7. He is the best dad in the world! Seriously. I'm not just exaggerating. I have never seen a more dedicated and loving father. Kris has always been there. When I have not, he has been the constant. In some ways, at times, it was as if I were the absentee parent. When I went through bouts of depression, Kris picked up the slack and acted as both mom and dad when I couldn't be. When I left home back in February, that was something I had to think about. I really thought that if Kris and I didn't make it, the kids would be better off with Kris. Not just because I was so messed up on every level. But because he was, and always would be, a GOOD dad. Don't worry. I'm not reverting back to that inward hatred of myself. I'm just reflecting on a very dark time in my life.
#8. He didn't bring me flowers often. He didn't buy me jewelry. He showed his love in other ways. He would buy me my favorite tea or candy bar. Or he would take me out. And he would get me flowers, at times when I just really needed them. He has always had a desire to make me happy. He's a peacemaker, by nature and I saw that over and over again in our marriage. Whether it was a little stuffed giraffe, or being the first to apologize, Kris has always been there trying to show me love, in his way. And now that we are learning to speak one another's love language, it has just gotten better.
#9. Kris is a hard-working and dedicated provider. He works diligently to provide what our family needs. He has a very strong work ethic. Really, his work ethic is just part of who he is, because he is as (and has been) as dedicated to our marriage as he is to anything else he sets his mind to. He is the most dedicated and hard-working person I have ever met. This is an amazing quality to have. I'm blessed to have such a devoted husband and father for my kids.
#10. He has loved me. Deeply and passionately. In all of my depression and weaknesses, in all of my ugly, he has loved me. He has stayed by my side. He has forgiven. He has shown mercy and grace and compassion. He has shown me unconditional love, even when I couldn't see or feel it. He has tried to live out love the way that Christ loves the Church, his Bride.
Ephesians 5:25-28
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."
Thanks for loving me Kristopher, in all my phases, highs, and weakest moments. I love you. For a thousand years! I looked back at this poem and put in bold and italics a part that I thought was so "prophetic" considering what we have been through. I see now that you lived this out, in the good times and the bad. In the light and in the dark. Thank you. You have my heart.
"i love you much (most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
--sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
no one can quite begin to guess
except my life)the true time of year--
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearness) everyone would certainly (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love."
-E.E. Cummings
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