Music That Moves Me - Week 11

My van has become this place of safety for me.  Joy FM is always on in my van, and it just doesn't feel right reaching to change the station.  I find my van so full of peace and joy, through the music that I hear there.  It is a place of tears and grieving also.

Just tonight I had a complete meltdown.  Shocking...I know...

I keep hearing this one song in particular.  It seems that it comes on every time I am in the van.  Granted, many of the songs repeat, but it seems that I always hear this song.  Every.  Single.  Time.  And the more I hear it, the sadder it makes me.  I am trying hard to determine what I am feeling and where it is coming from.

Is it from Satan?  Is this sadness something from the enemy, to bring me down?  So far, I haven't really felt like it is a temptation to fall back into that old pattern of guilt and shame.  But I question that every time I hear it.

Is it from God?  Does he want me to grieve and cry?  I still don't know the answer.

I just heard it again tonight and I wept.  It was pretty intense.  I was a mess.  You see, when you hurt someone and you can't do anything to fix it, to make them feel better, you're at a loss.  You can't undo the hurt caused.  I can't take it back or help them heal.  Because whether it seemed like it or not, I cared deeply for this person.  My actions spoke otherwise.  I seemingly spit in her face with my actions.  I trampled on her heart and her spirit, while all the while pretending to be her friend.  It wasn't pretend to me.  At the time.  Looking back, I can see how it could be seen that way.  I was selfish and mean, really.  And this song is a constant reminder of that.  It reminds me of all the hurt and pain I caused her.  And it breaks my heart.  Because I'm not that girl anymore.  And my heart is not stony and stubborn any longer.

I don't know what I'm saying or what to do with what I feel when I hear this song.  I just know that I hear it.  All.  The.  Time.  And I'm not sure where to go with it or how to feel.  I just know tonight that I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and despair.  Not in a tragic, guilt-ridden way.  But in a...I can't even explain it really.  I just felt grief and sadness.  I feel it every time I hear this song and every time I wrestle with it.  I think about the person I hurt and the line "Father won't you forgive them.  They don't know what they've been doin'" makes my heart ache.  I knew what I was doing, when I hurt this person.  But I didn't really understand the deep damage I was doing all around me.  I didn't see.  I see now.  And this song constantly reminds me.  I love Tenth Avenue North and I love the meaning behind this song.  But it is a very bizarre thing to be on the other side of it.  The one who needs to be forgiven.

I prayed, as the song was ending.  That God would comfort me somehow.  I was a crazy-looking fool, tears streaming down my face, blubbering as I drove down the road.  I thought that surely a very meaningful song won't come on EVERY time after I hear this song.  Surely I am just looking too hard for these messages from God in the music.  Or, I thought, maybe the people who are in charge of choosing the songs plan it so that it works out this way. Or maybe, just maybe, God guides them.  And He knows every single time what I need.  Today, it wasn't "Remind Me Who I Am."  Because that wasn't the message I needed to hear.  Today, I needed to hear a different message.  Regardless of how it is orchestrated, or Who does it, it is always what I need.  Always.

This is the message God gave me tonight, in order to heal the broken pieces in my heart.  The things that I can't heal on my own.  The hurt and pain, that I caused, that I can't undo.  This is what God told me.

See those lyrics on the image above?  "And though my innocence was taken, not everything is lost. Not everything is lost."  God spoke to my heart through those.  And through the rest of the song.  He wrapped his arms around me, once again and loved me.

And then, as I was close to my mother-in-law's house, God gave me one more pick-me-up.  I am home.  With my Savior.  With my King.  And I am loved.  And I am forgiven.  So I will get back up and move forward.

There's always scars.  Always.  Use them.  Let them tell your story.  Wear them with honor, not guilt and shame.

Music That Moves Me - Week 9

I know I've posted this first song before, but it needs to be posted again.  Partly because it is one of the best songs out there right now.  Partly because tonight, I have an agenda.  It's debatable on whether or not this is Jamie's agenda or God's.  I really feel like it's God moving me, so we will see where this winds up!  I love writing that way.  Just writing and letting God guide me.  It reminds me of that verse in Proverbs 16:9; honestly this is how I approach writing.  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  I have an idea or a plan that I want to write about and as I start to write, God starts shaping it into what He wants it to be.

He does the same thing when Kris preaches.  Kris will have his outline, but then when he gets up there to preach, as long as He is focused on God, God takes over and you can really hear God speaking THROUGH him.  I hope that is what happens through this blog.  Because it isn't supposed to be about Jamie.  It's supposed to be about God.  Tony mentioned tonight "Audience of One" and that's what I want this blog to be.  Do I want others to be touched and comforted and moved to action by this blog?  Sure.  But not because of me.  Because of God.  Ultimately, this is my journey with God and I will trust Him to do whatever He thinks is best.

All that to say, Thank GOD we don't have to hide scars!! His are covering OURS!  And be patient...there are some spelling/grammatical errors.  Look past them and hear what God wants to say to you.

I think that this song sets up perfectly the next song.  Though, you know me.  It will likely be a lengthy introduction to the song.  I met someone tonight.  A lady that from the start was dear to my heart.  I can't even explain it.  As soon as she walked in the door, I wanted to know her.  I wanted to connect with her.  And because I can't quite explain it, I'm convinced it was totally a God thing.  And I know, from the outcome a couple of hours later that it completely WAS a God thing.  And I am so extremely thrilled that God allowed me to be a part of it.

Some of you know that I made this bracelet recently.  

I wear it most days.  A few people have commented on it and I've shared how "My Chains Are Gone" and my purpose for making the bracelet.  It's been so easy to talk to people about what God has been doing in my life and this bracelet has been a conversation starter on several different occasions.  For those not familiar with my reason for making this bracelet, I'll explain it.

The Cross represents what Jesus did for everyone.  And...even moreso, understanding and BELIEVING what He did FOR ME.  That I could finally, once and for all, lay my guilt and shame at the foot of the Cross.  I could finally be free from what had weighed me down so long.  I could trade my ashes in for beauty, and truly wear forgiveness like a crown.

The handcuffs that say "Freedom" symbolize, well, FREEDOM!  Freedom from sin. Freedom from guilt and shame.  Freedom from the hold Satan had in my life for so many years.  And the Swarovski crystal at the bottom, it is a reminder of the blood that Jesus shed for me, that purchased my freedom.

And my favorite?  The "hope" charm.  For so many years I lived in defeat.  I prayed so long for things to change.  I HOPED that my marriage would change.  That Kris would change.  That I could get out of the unhealthy relationship I was in.  And then, somewhere along the line, when God didn't answer my prayers, and Kris didn't overcome, and I found that I WANTED to stay in my bad relationship with someone that didn't belong to me, I gave up.  It was the last thing I had held on to.  Hope was all I had left.  And then, suddenly, it was gone.  I was a hopeless fool, living a life I hated.  Living without hope is debilitating.  Without hope, there is nothing left.  As long as there is a shred of hope left, we can still press on.  We can usually pick ourselves up and keep going.  But what do you do when all hope is gone?  When you've given up hope?  Sometimes I think that maybe the answer is different for everyone.

For me, God had to pull me up.  God had to grab me and move me.  Because I wasn't willing.  I wasn't ready.  I wanted to keep punishing myself.  I wanted to hold on to my guilt and shame, because I simply could not understand that my punishment had already been nailed to the Cross.  I felt like I deserved to be punished.  Since God wasn't doing it, and Kris wasn't doing it, I just knew that I had to.  I didn't have that hope anymore.  But God had other plans for me.  He really showed me how to have hope again.  Now everything is different.  I have hope and it is one of the most amazing things to have in my life again.

All of that to bring us to a song I heard tonight on the way home from Stories.  And I just knew that God wanted me to share this song.  It brought me a great deal of comfort.  And if this woman that I met tonight could really feel the truth in this song, it would be such a blessing.  My heart aches for this!  I can't describe it.

I want to share one more thing before I show you the song.  Tonight I was wearing the "My Chains Are Gone" bracelet.  There was a moment tonight when I heard God very clearly say "Take your bracelet off."  I obeyed, unclasping it from my wrist.  Then God said "When the time is right, give it to that woman."  As God orchestrates all things, we left at the same time.  So I was given an opportunity to give her my bracelet.  I explained to her why I had made it and what it meant to me.  My hands were shaking as I put the bracelet on her wrist.  I've NEVER done anything like this before.  I've talked to people about my bracelet.  And my story.  But this was the first time that I really felt like the bracelet was no longer mine.  I KNEW I had to share not just my story, but the reminder I have of my story.  And so I did.

It was such an amazing experience.  I had never met this woman before tonight.  But I know that God wanted this to happen.  It was no coincidence.  THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES.   And I hope and pray that I will meet her again.  I really love being a part of what God is doing here in my life and how He is using my story.

So...now that I've explained all of that, I'll share the song I know God orchestrated for me to hear tonight on the drive home.  It's called "You Can Have Me", by the Sidewalk Prophets.

And I wasn't originally planning to add this one, but I feel it is necessary.  For all of you who feel like you aren't strong enough, and that you can't do it alone; for you who are hurting and at the end of your rope, all hope gone, God can carry you to the Cross.  Will you let Him?  Surrender.  Surrender the temptation.  The pain,  The hurt.  The guilt and the shame.  Surrender yours fears and let God carry you to the Cross.  He doesn't always expect us to get up and get here on our own.  Sometimes, He carries us.  And I think He is OK with that.  The point is, we just have to get to the Cross.  One way or another!

Where are you at?  Can you pick yourself up and run to the foot of the Cross, or are you feeling hopeless and alone?  You are NOT alone.  If you literally cannot pick yourself up and get to the Cross, cry out to Jesus (another great song!).  God can carry you to the Cross.

Surrender.

Stop fighting.

Let God take you to the Cross, and you can lay your fear and your guilt and your shame down there.  He is big enough to take it all.  And to quote my favorite kids' cartoon Veggie Tales, "God made you special, and He loves you very much!"  Such a simple saying, and yet so profoundly true!!