Music That Moves Me - Week 11

My van has become this place of safety for me.  Joy FM is always on in my van, and it just doesn't feel right reaching to change the station.  I find my van so full of peace and joy, through the music that I hear there.  It is a place of tears and grieving also.

Just tonight I had a complete meltdown.  Shocking...I know...

I keep hearing this one song in particular.  It seems that it comes on every time I am in the van.  Granted, many of the songs repeat, but it seems that I always hear this song.  Every.  Single.  Time.  And the more I hear it, the sadder it makes me.  I am trying hard to determine what I am feeling and where it is coming from.

Is it from Satan?  Is this sadness something from the enemy, to bring me down?  So far, I haven't really felt like it is a temptation to fall back into that old pattern of guilt and shame.  But I question that every time I hear it.

Is it from God?  Does he want me to grieve and cry?  I still don't know the answer.

I just heard it again tonight and I wept.  It was pretty intense.  I was a mess.  You see, when you hurt someone and you can't do anything to fix it, to make them feel better, you're at a loss.  You can't undo the hurt caused.  I can't take it back or help them heal.  Because whether it seemed like it or not, I cared deeply for this person.  My actions spoke otherwise.  I seemingly spit in her face with my actions.  I trampled on her heart and her spirit, while all the while pretending to be her friend.  It wasn't pretend to me.  At the time.  Looking back, I can see how it could be seen that way.  I was selfish and mean, really.  And this song is a constant reminder of that.  It reminds me of all the hurt and pain I caused her.  And it breaks my heart.  Because I'm not that girl anymore.  And my heart is not stony and stubborn any longer.

I don't know what I'm saying or what to do with what I feel when I hear this song.  I just know that I hear it.  All.  The.  Time.  And I'm not sure where to go with it or how to feel.  I just know tonight that I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and despair.  Not in a tragic, guilt-ridden way.  But in a...I can't even explain it really.  I just felt grief and sadness.  I feel it every time I hear this song and every time I wrestle with it.  I think about the person I hurt and the line "Father won't you forgive them.  They don't know what they've been doin'" makes my heart ache.  I knew what I was doing, when I hurt this person.  But I didn't really understand the deep damage I was doing all around me.  I didn't see.  I see now.  And this song constantly reminds me.  I love Tenth Avenue North and I love the meaning behind this song.  But it is a very bizarre thing to be on the other side of it.  The one who needs to be forgiven.

I prayed, as the song was ending.  That God would comfort me somehow.  I was a crazy-looking fool, tears streaming down my face, blubbering as I drove down the road.  I thought that surely a very meaningful song won't come on EVERY time after I hear this song.  Surely I am just looking too hard for these messages from God in the music.  Or, I thought, maybe the people who are in charge of choosing the songs plan it so that it works out this way. Or maybe, just maybe, God guides them.  And He knows every single time what I need.  Today, it wasn't "Remind Me Who I Am."  Because that wasn't the message I needed to hear.  Today, I needed to hear a different message.  Regardless of how it is orchestrated, or Who does it, it is always what I need.  Always.

This is the message God gave me tonight, in order to heal the broken pieces in my heart.  The things that I can't heal on my own.  The hurt and pain, that I caused, that I can't undo.  This is what God told me.

See those lyrics on the image above?  "And though my innocence was taken, not everything is lost. Not everything is lost."  God spoke to my heart through those.  And through the rest of the song.  He wrapped his arms around me, once again and loved me.

And then, as I was close to my mother-in-law's house, God gave me one more pick-me-up.  I am home.  With my Savior.  With my King.  And I am loved.  And I am forgiven.  So I will get back up and move forward.

There's always scars.  Always.  Use them.  Let them tell your story.  Wear them with honor, not guilt and shame.