I find You when...

...I fall apart.

I have been thinking about the song "Fall Apart" by Josh Wilson a lot today.  I was under attack again.  Satan was shooting arrows, filled with poisonous thoughts, at my mind this afternoon.  The last few days I've had these odd bouts of sadness.  Kris will ask me what's wrong or why I look sad.  And honestly, I don't know.  I've just been feeling blue...

But today, before I started feeling that same sadness creep in, the enemy attacked.  He really does pounce like a lion, waiting to devour his prey.  I was driving, yet again.  It seems like this happens often when I am driving.  So of course, I was listening to JoyFM.  And a couple of good songs came on and I tried what I normally do.  Focus on the words and pray them.  And Satan was fierce.  He did NOT want me to turn to Jesus.  So I sent Kris a chat to let him know what was going on and asking him to pray.  He did.  About this time, I had to pick up kids for VBS (we had 4 extras!), and so I was able to pretty much push down what I was feeling.
But then I got to church and just felt like I was going to cry at any moment.  Kris wasn't there yet and I was overcome with a heavy weight of sadness.  But I had to pull it together.  I couldn't just walk around taking pictures, crying could I?  All the while, I kept thinking "I know there is a song that says something about falling apart."  This is how I was feeling.  I couldn't remember the song, but I remember feeling fragile, and like I would 'fall apart' at any moment.

VBS got started and I got into taking pictures and all was well.  I never did burst into tears, which was good in the sense that it would have been awkward and I would have been unable to explain.  But at the same time, I knew I needed to weep about whatever it was I was feeling, and couldn't.

So then God did what He always does.  He sent me a gift.  A song.  It was the exact song I had been trying to remember, ever since the enemy began his assault on me earlier this afternoon.  I just love this song.  I think it is so powerful.  Not only does it encompass everything Kris and I have gone through lately, but it gets personal and relate-able for today too.

These lyrics remind me of how I was feeling in February, when I first came home to Kris, and leading up to Good Friday:

I don't know how long this will last

I'm praying for the pain to pass

But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me

My whole world is caving

But I feel You now more than I did then

How can I come to the end of me and somehow still have all I need?

God I want to know You more

Maybe this is how it starts

I find You when

You will find me when

I fall apart

It calmed me and soothed my heart.  It gave me peace and made me grateful to have a God that cares enough for me to orchestrate things in such a way that when I was driving home, after dropping off all the extra kids, this song came on.  I am just amazed at God's kindness and the depth of His love for me.

Here is the full song: