Pill Box

I need one of these.  On a night like tonight--what I would consider a "good" night--I take 8-9 pills in order to go to sleep/make it through the night.  Let me think...I take at least 4 pills in the morning.  So the days/nights when I am in pain...I won't even give you the # on that!

Anyway...

So, apparently I've been causing quite a stir.  It was not intentional.  I do not intend to continue blogging about controversial issues.  In fact, I actually try to AVOID them, because I do not like to debate things.  You want to debate something?  Talk to my husband.  He'll debate for fun.  He'll even play devil's advocate, just for the sake of arguing.  Not me.  I don't like confrontation.  I know that I opened myself up to it by daring to have an opinion on a book series that I do not think is wholesome for me (or my young Christian friends) to read.

The cool thing is that I have some really great friends.  Instead of me having to jump in and defend my position, I have friends that do it for me.  Friends that actually enjoy debating or the controversy.  I just sit back and click "publish" as the comments come in and let my friends go at it.

I've got some really great friends.  A friend and I were talking today about my whole home school "drama" from a year ago, and how someone decided that they knew God's will for my family better than Kris and I did and they should let me know.  That person said ONE thing to me in response to a Facebook status and about 15 people jumped in, defending me within minutes.

It's good to know who your friends are.

When you know that, the other stuff doesn't matter much.

It is a billion 85 really degrees in my house.  I don't know if it is just the record 105 degree weather we've been having (across the country, I know!), or the fact that my A/C doesn't work well in general, or the A/C fairies aren't doing their job to clean and lovingly care for the unit, or the fact that Kris turned the oven on to cook the chicken legs I couldn't seem to cook fully on the grill (though I told him to use the microwave and then he accidentally left it on for an hour!) or the fact that we don't have working A/C in our bedroom (an addition to the house)...but it is HOT.  Kris and I have spent the last 2 nights sleeping in the living room on couches because we just cannot survive in our room-it's at least 95 degrees back in there.  What I wouldn't give to have a window unit in there that worked!  We have all four kids sleeping downstairs because it's too hot   We've got the door shut to try to help keep the heat out but ultimately I am not sure it is helping.

But then, whenever I think about that, I think about the homeless on the streets, or the elderly, or the soldiers fighting so I have the freedom to write whatever I want and have people disagree with and yell at me without being put in prison.

And then it doesn't feel so hot.

But honestly, I'm a pretty selfish person, so the focus tends to quickly shift back to me.  I'm pathetic.  And impatient.  And I'm hot.

Oh, and I almost hit two women with my van tonight.  That was exciting...

I immediately blamed them, calling them idiots (in my head).  They were wearing dark clothing, at 10pm.  They decided to cross the road last minute AS I WAS TURNING.  And they just looked at me. I seriously almost hit them.  I had to swerve and slam on my brakes.  Only then did they decide to notice my big van with headlights beaming at them.  Scared me to death.  And made me mad.  I know that if I had hit them, #1.  It would have been horrific and #2.  It would have been my fault.  Even though it was THEIR fault.  I swear to you...people in my neighborhood and the surrounding ones just walk as slowly as possible...STARING at you while you wait for them to move.  They taunt you with their eyes and smirks and you just think "Maybe I can hit them...just a little..."  Because you know they are saying back "I dare you..."

It's the heat. It's making me crazy.

Funny story...

We had some friends over tonight.  And Abbey was playing with my friend's daughters.  I saw Abbey run through the room and go downstairs.  Within moments, the older daughter came into the dining room and said "Abbey put a curse on me and told me that the only way to break the curse was to watch the baby for an hour.  Then she just left!"  Yup.  That's my Abbey...

Speaking of being proud...

Katherine was given a scholarship at Christmas to attend bridge camp this summer.  I JUST picked her up this morning.  She spent a week out at Lake Williamson Christian Center in Carlinville, IL-she really enjoyed it, which came as no surprise to me.  She already had a very basic concept of the game, but I wasn't even prepared to hear how well she did.

Don't misconstrue that.  I KNEW that she would excel.  She excels at anything she does, specifically academics.  However, I was not prepared to hear that she has earned possibly almost FOUR silver Master Points in the American Contract Bridge League.  I know that doesn't mean much to most of you, but it's a really big deal, especially with as young as she is..  They had tournaments 3 of the 5 nights.  In one tournament, she was paired with a guy who won Nationals (a BIG bridge tourney) and they got first place!  In another yesterday, they played what was called Swiss Teams and she and  her team came in 2nd!  And she earned REAL Master Points.  Not just "I-went-to-camp-these-are-pretend-points".  So so proud!

Additionally, her cabin counselor (also the beginner's teacher) told me that when she gets back to St. Louis in August that she really wants to play with Katherine at the local club.  She said that Katherine could play for free whenever she or this other guy are there.  She told me about this Wednesday afternoon game that she actually runs and she would love to play as Katherine's partner for this weekly game.

Yes, I know I'm geeking out a bit.  But I'm a very proud mother.  She was given high praise and she deserved it.  We played bridge with her and my friend tonight and it was so fun to watch her face as she played.  You could see her thinking and making decisions, putting into practice things she has learned.  Before she left, she was a tentative player with a lot of questions.  One week away with real teachers and she is a polished, 11 year old bridge player, with almost as many Master Points as her parents (we have just over 5, in over 8 years of playing!)

OK...enough of that.  I just had to share it.  If for nothing else than to hear my friends make fun of the fact that we play a "dying game" that only old people play.  I always tell them that I have the spine of a 75 year old, so I may as well play the game of a 75 year old.  Jennifer told me that people who play bridge have sharper minds as they age, so I don't care what Shane anyone says.  You'll be drooling on yourself and I'll still be playing bridge.  I'm not sure I want to let Kat go back to camp next year - she'll wind up having more points than us (at 12 years old!), and you know I may not be able to handle that.

And now that I've bored you and myself to sleep, I'll sign off now.

For all the "haters"

I was planning to write a nice, lovely post about our day at the St. Louis Zoo, seeing brand new Sea Lion Exhibit.  I was even going to show you some great pictures from our day.

But something else occurred today.

And you know, I just HAD to write about it.  My friend made this picture and posted it on my Facebook wall Tuesday, and it really is perfect for this post and my decision to blog about today's upcoming topic.  I asked-she doesn't mind that I share this here.  She owns this picture.  It does not belong to me (or you) so don't steal it without asking permission first, OK?

Perfect, right?

Let's begin.

Over the last two days, I have received SEVERAL anonymous comments on my book review for 50 Shades of Grey, a book that I did not (and will not) read; because I choose to keep my mind pure and free from temptation.  I think that some people did not understand my true intent of that blog post, or I wouldn't be getting some of the comments I am getting.  The majority of my friends and family know me, and if you've been reading, you know what has been going on in my life over these last few months.
You also know that pornography is a very sensitive topic for me.  My life has been altered and affected very deeply by pornography.  Beyond that, it is my belief that pornography is wrong.  This is MY belief.  You can choose to believe however you want, and argue with me as much as you want.  It won't change what I believe, and I have little doubt that I am not going to change the majority worldview on the topic.  Please reread that.  This is MY belief.  This is my husband's belief.  Our belief is based off of the Bible.  You cannot look at pornography without lusting.

*Disclaimer*
All quotes from comments I received are as I received them.  I just wanted to clarify that, as some of them may or may not be grammatically correct, or may have some misspelled/abbreviated words.  That's why they are in QUOTES. ;-)

I recently received this anonymous comment on my post "50 Shades of Trash":

"I know your prob gonna delete my comment cause im against to what you said. I do beleive in god and jesus. But this book has nothing to do with satan."

My first thought, and response was this:

"I'm not going to delete a comment just because someone disagrees with me. I did not directly say that this book has anything to do with Satan. To my Christian friends, I called it soft core pornography, which I believe is wrong. Some people, Christians included have their own reasons for why pornography is acceptable. My marriage was almost destroyed because of pornography and the hold it had in my husband's life, and Satan had his grips in me. Satan I believe USES things like books of this type to lure people away-entice them little by little, leaving them wanting more. I don't believe I ever stated that this book had something to do with Satan. Satan was mentioned in terms of pornography and the hold it can have in people's lives, and THAT is where I believe that Satan is very active."

Staying with that same thought, since I essentially said that pornography can destroy marriages, I received another anonymous comment that said this:

"Porn doesnt mess up marriages...people mess up marriages"

I agree, with the "people mess up marriages" part.  We are all fallen people and we all make mistakes.  We don't know how to communicate, or someone has an addiction, or we can't get along for whatever reason we may have.

People DO mess up marriages.  We get in our own way sometimes.

At the same time though, pornography DOES mess up marriages.

Yes, I am speaking from personal experience, but I also know of several others who have gone through this same thing.    And you can read story after story of other marriages, long or short relationships, that have been impacted negatively by pornography.  If you are currently married and you and your spouse mutually "enjoy" pornography, that's between the two of you and it's your marriage.  What I am saying is that the shift and the effect is so subtle sometimes that you don't even see it.  If you both agree that it is OK to read and/or view pornography, maybe it won't impact your marriage.  I did not ever say that pornography messes up EVERY single marriage.  If you and your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever have no qualms about sharing that with one another, you are free to do whatever you want.  This blog is MY blog, MY opinion.

And because it is my opinion and my blog, I'll go one step further to say that if you are a woman and you and your husband indulge in pornography, I would be quite shocked (and you might be too) if your husband or boyfriend isn't ALSO indulging in pornography on the side, WITHOUT you.  With pornography, there is ALWAYS a desire to see more.  Maybe it started out as just the two of you, but at some point it has (or will) become something secretive and personal for your husband, if they choose to continue in that.  Beyond that, pornography fills one's mind with images and ideas of what people SHOULD look like, and the reality is that most of us don't look like that! We will never measure up.

Let me take one more step forward, maybe step on some toes.  Women:  if you agree that it is OK for your husband to look at pornography on his own, not involving you at all, be honest with yourself.  Do you really think that you measure up to all those perfected, greased up women he is looking at on a computer screen or in a magazine?  How does that make you feel?  Be honest with yourself.  Take a good look and tell me that you feel like you are enough, even though your husband looks at pornography when you aren't around.  I'd like to meet someone who is able to look past the insecurities and hurt that the majority of us feel.  I am not being sarcastic.  If this is YOU, let me know.  Because in all the women I have talked to or read about, every single one has been deeply wounded by their husband's viewing of pornography.

Do you not realize that when you are together, there are times that he has to envision these other women that he has seen, in order to "seal the deal"?  Do you not see that if YOU are not the only woman "in the bed", you are not his sole focus?  Don't you want to be the sole focus of your husband?  Men, don't you want your wife to only think about YOU during sex?  How would you feel, men, if you knew your wife was only able to achieve an orgasm by thinking of another man (or woman)?  Does that leave you feeling like you are able to please her?

THIS is what pornography does in relationships, whether you share it mutually or one (or both) is hiding it from the other.  It takes what is supposed to be something sacred shared between the two of you, and invites a whole host of other people into your bed.

You can agree, or disagree.  It doesn't hurt me, or upset me when I receive negative comments like the ones I have gotten today.  What it does is break my heart, because I see so many people that are blind to the truth.  That are living in darkness and don't really understand how damaging pornography is in their own relationship.  I've said before that I have a heart for marriages.  Especially hurting and wounded and broken marriages.  And I believe that pornography is central to a LOT (I did not say ALL) of these broken marriages.

Another comment I received was this:

"What you are saying is ridiculous about the book...im against porn too. Fifty shades of grey is no where near porn...there is hardly any BDSM. Before you have opions on it...maybe you should read it. Its a very good book. Like the saying goes "never judge a book by its cover". Im married..and it made our sex life alot better!! Im not gonna run off and cheat on him. In the book..when they have sex...its two people in love having sex...they end up getting married and have two children. Read the books..thats the only way your gonna know what its exactly about. As for the BDSM...christian was into it because that was all he knew. The pedifile did that to him. He wasnt a pervert...he was abused sexually and mentally. Theres no cheating in it...no mpre the one sex partners... its two people falling in love and christian just has issues that ana helps him get thru..because he had a horrible childhood before he was adopted!!!!"

Here are a few of the areas I take issue with.

#1.  To say that a book filled with sex scene after sex scene, where a virgin falls for an older, more experienced man who was into BDSM, is nowhere near porn is just...how can I put this without sounding too harsh...unwise.  What does it have to have in it for you to think that it is pornography?  Pictures?  Rape?  What???  What makes it pornography?  A book that describes sex scenes is at the very least, soft-core pornography.  That is how I define pornography.  Anything that puts those images (of OTHER people) into our minds is pornography.  Surely you can't read that book and insert yourself as Ana and your spouse/boyfriend Christian!  Even if you could, having read Erotica before, I know that these types of scenes tend to cause a "stirring" inside.  Would you say that this book is NOT Erotica even?  Surely you can grant that it is Erotica, seeing as how that is the primary genre (aside from Fan Fiction) that it falls into.  So, maybe for you, Erotica is NOT pornography.  But they are one in the same for me.  I never wrote this post saying that my definition is supreme.  This blog, again, is my opinion.

#2.  You also said that "there is hardly any BDSM".  Which, to me, indicates its presence.  And as a friend of my wrote in response to this:
"Actually he was a pervert, by definition. A pervert is a person who acts on a perversion. Merriam Webster defines perversion as "an aberrant sexual practice or interest especially when habitual". Aberrant is "Departing from an accepted standard"... So thus BDSM is considered an non accepted standard by the majority of society... no matter what it stems from. Also, she states that if you choose to read this she does not judge you. It is your freedom and choice but she, and I, believe that it is not godly and not worth exposing ourselves to."

#3.  Several people have corrected my assumption that the description of the book (when it says "affair") is not accurate.  That neither person was involved with someone else.  OK.  I stand corrected.  Are we all clear on that now?

#4.  I am not here to judge anyone for what they do in their bedroom with their partner.  And I   never said that by reading these books (or indulging in pornography), you would go out and cheat on anyone.  Though I did state that in some cases, pornography can lead to extramarital affairs.  Additionally, when you incorporate pornography into your marriage/sexual relationship, your views of one another can become distorted.  And the sad thing is that you probably don't even realize it is happening.  That's how subtle it is.  That's how subtle Satan is.  He convinces you that just a little bit won't hurt.  Or, this is acceptable if it is between my husband and I.

I do want to defend my position a little though, in saying that while it may seem like your sex life is better, at some point it won't be enough.  There will always be this thirst for more, and at some point, your view on the topic of pornography may change.  Maybe it won't.  I'm not an expert and know nothing about your marriage.  I just know that whether you think pornography is negatively impacting your marriage or not, it very possibly is.  Note, I say "possibly" because I have no way of knowing for sure.  I hope and pray that I am wrong.  But I fear that I am not.

I also received this comment today:

"God gave you the right to make choices"

You are absolutely correct.  God gave all of us the right to make choices.  That does not mean that every choice we make is the RIGHT one.  Just something to keep in mind.

I received two similar anonymous comments, and I am unsure if they are from the same person, as they came hours apart.  The first one was listed at the beginning of the blog.  The second one was this:

"I am a christian and i do beleive in god"

I have never stated that anyone I know or don't know does or does not believe in God.  Can we agree on that?

So for the people who tell me that they are a Christian and believe in God, and that lust or
pornography is not wrong, then I have to ask you, "What about the Bible?"  Do you believe the Bible is true?  As a Christian?  As someone who believes in Jesus?  As someone who believes in God?  Do you also believe in the Bible as being the Word of that God you say you believe in?

If you do, then how can you discount this:.

Matthew 5:27-30

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.'  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.  If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.  It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.  And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.  It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."

I was astounded by the negative feedback I received, but was surprised it didn't come sooner.  I know that my view on the topic and a book series I haven't even read rubs some people the wrong way.  I won't apologize for that.  You have your opinion and I have mine.  I am not a person who likes to debate.  I just write my thoughts down.  Some people agree.  Some people disagree.  I won't get into a shouting match because you don't agree with me.  I refuse to do it.  But I will defend myself ONCE and then leave it at that.  This blog post is my response, my defense, as it were.

And in case you think that this is just one WOMAN'S view on the topic, check out Manturity.  This is written by a MAN, about the horrible effects that pornography can have in a marriage, and in the life of an individual.  It isn't just women who take a hard stance against pornography.  Believe it or not, there are men out there who recognize and warn against its dangers as well.

So, who else disagrees with what I am saying?  Don't be afraid to let your voice be heard.  After all, I'm sharing my voice.  By allowing you to comment, I am giving you permission to share your thoughts.  I really do want to hear what you have to say, good or bad.  Sometimes it helps to "talk" through some of these tough issue.

Gardening for Idiots

Pets and plants are not my forte.

Babies, yes.

Non-living designs/creations, yes.  (Little Bishop Creations)

Other living creations, no.

I knew that I couldn't take care of aforementioned (great word!) living things, based on the fact that I am not disciplined.  Thus, they would not get the water and nourishment that they needed.  So, I chose not to have any.  Fearful that they would just die and prove that I was a failure at keeping anything besides my children alive!

No plants or pets.

Until May.

In May, I went to a ladies Bible study with my church family.  We talked about gardening and weeds and what we can learn from the weeds in our lives.  Before we left, we were each given 3 seeds from a 4 O'Clock plant.  I had also been talking to my friend Tara about her raised beds and her garden.  It really made me want to grow SOMETHING!  If for nothing else than to have the weeds, to see them and be reminded of the power they can have in our lives if left untended.  Beyond that, there is Biblical representation of seeds being planted and growing.  Luke 8:12-15 says this:

"The seeds that fell on the footpath represent those who hear the message, only to have the devil come and take it away from their hearts and prevent them from believing and being saved.  The seeds on the rocky soil represent those who hear the message and receive it with joy.  But since they don't have deep roots, they believe for a while, then they fall away when they face temptation.  The seeds that fell among the thorns represent those who hear the message, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the cares and riches and pleasures of this life.  And so they never grow into maturity.  And the seeds that fell on the good soil represent honest, good-hearted people who hear God's word, cling to it, and patiently produce a huge harvest."

I've found myself in each of these scenarios at some point in my life.  I spent the last 7 years letting Satan take away the message and prevent me from believing; as well as not being soundly rooted, thus swayed and lured away by temptation.  And now, I have been liberated.  I want to be the seed that falls on the good soil.  I want to be honest and good-hearted and share my story of what God has done in my life in these past four months.

So all of that to say, I started a garden!  At first, I just planned to plant the three 4 O'Clock seeds and see what happened.  Doubting that I could actually make them grow.  But later that week, I went to the local Farmer's Market.  I saw tomato plants, and jalapenos, and cilantro.  I thought "salsa".  So I bought some, thinking "I'm going to grow flowers, so why not try food!"  So I bought those, as well as oregano, and another flower that was already blooming.  And I set to work.  I decided to use this small strip I have next to my carport, that had constantly been overcome by weeds.  Kind of like my life for so many years!

My friend Tara and her husband came over and tilled the ground for me, and put some of their compost down.

Then I set to work planting.  I put one tomato plant, one jalapeno plant (which keeps getting picked at by birds :-/), oregano (which is doing quite well I might add-though I haven't used any of it yet), and cilantro here.  And then next to that, I planted the three 4 O'Clock seeds I was given.  I was worried about these, because I didn't know if I would be able to tell the difference between the plant (should it grow) and weeds.  Tara told me to put a Popsicle stick in the ground where I planted it, so I would know where it was.  That was a great idea!  And to my surprise, ONE of the three seeds started growing.

I'm told that this plant will grow pink flowers and then in the fall, it will produce a ton of seeds that I can then replant next year.  When I first saw it peeking out of the soil, my heart was filled with joy.  It's one thing to take a plant that is already growing.  It's another to start from just a seed and see it come up through the ground!  Hopefully mine will look like this soon:

Now, this next picture I need to add a disclaimer to.  It is currently 137 degrees outside, and this flower that was blooming well two days ago is currently struggling.  I've been diligent in watering, especially with this crazy stupid heat, because I want to prove to myself that I can grow things besides children.  So, while it doesn't look as pretty as it did 2 days ago, it is still thriving and healthy.  Once it cools off a little and my plant is allowed the nourishment it needs, I'll take another picture of it at its best.  The only good thing about my gumball tree is that it provides the shade that this plant needs to grow. I still hate that tree though!

Next up is my favorite.  The one that makes me the happiest.  The one that proves to me that I can do this!!    Check it out.  These are my Roma Tomatoes, actually growing!  You can see them!  I am so excited to learn that I could grow something.  Here's to hoping the heat that is supposed to continue to rise to 159 degrees won't kill the plants I have so lovingly tried to grow.

Next year, I am hoping to have some raised beds of my own!

What about you?  What do you grow?

10 Good Memories

I've said several times over the last few months that Kris is not the same man I married. I don't want to give the impression that we had a horrible life together before that. We had very rough times, but we had some good times as well. I still love that man I married. All the good things about him. The reasons I fell in love with him. For a long time (until about April of this year), I couldn't remember why I even fell in love with Kris. Now that my mind is no longer clouded by Satan's lies, I am starting to remember. So, I wanted to take a moment and share 10 memories about Kris, from our life "before".

#1. I can remember back before we were dating, when I first started to "like" Kris. You know, that butterflies-in-your-stomach-can't-wait-to-see-him feeling?  It was like that, only better!  We had been friends during the first semester of school.

Everybody liked Kris.

He's a pretty likable guy.

 He's like his father in that way.

Everyone likes Kris' dad.

Something about both of them makes them likable. They exude kindness. In addition to that, Kris has always had a heart for God. Even the midst of his struggles and addiction, he has tried to seek God and overcome. Always. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Listening to him read a paper in English class or talking to him one on one always brought me joy. He was intelligent and knew what he wanted. I always admired him.

#2. I will never forget how our first date came about. I had to sort of manipulate/coerce convince Kris to ask me out.  I can't remember exactly how it went down. I remember hinting out loud at the fact that I didn't have a date for Valentine's Day. He picked up on this (told you he was smart) and asked if I wanted to go out. Mission accomplished! I scored a date! I'll be interested to see what his memory is of how this date came about.  I can't remember if we were passing notes in class or talking.  And on this date, we exchanged cards.  I didn't want to rush into anything, so I got him a funny, "light" card.  His was very serious and implied that he was very interested in seeing where our relationship could lead.  I can remember, in that moment, realizing that Kris liked me back.  What a great feeling!

#3.  The week before Kris proposed, I knew he had asked my dad if he could marry me.  Very old-fashioned.  Very respectful.  I loved it.  The next weekend, he told me to dress up, and that we were going to go out.  I thought for sure this was *the* night!  We went to the restaurant where we had our first date.  He took me downtown and we went on a carriage ride and walked down by The Arch.  We had a really great date.  And yet, he still didn't propose.  I had an expectation and it didn't happen.  As we drove back to campus, I was very quiet.  When I'm mad, I'm a little sarcastic. When I'm furious, I can't speak.  I was FUMING!  And because I didn't know the St. Louis interstates at this point, when we got on I-170, I just KNEW we were going back to college.  I was seething. Poor Kris!  Well, to my surprise, we ended up at his mom's house.  Which wasn't that unusual.  We always went to his mom's.  So, we went inside and I noticed flowers on her table.  I remember thinking "I wonder where she got those flowers."  I never thought for a minute they were for me.  Remember, I was furious and convinced at this point that Kris was NOT going to propose.  I moved into the dining room to take a closer look at the flowers.  When I approached, I saw a piece of paper on the table.  And there was a hand-written note on the bottom, to me from Kris. [I'll share the poem at the end of this post.]

I realized that the flowers and the poem/note were for me.  But I still had convinced myself that Kris was not going to propose.  But all was forgiven when I saw the flowers and the note.  I went to hug him, to tell him thank you and about tripped over him.  It took me a moment to process what I saw.  Kris.  Down on one knee.  Ring in his hand.  Taking mine.  Asking "Will you marry me?"

We STILL laugh about how MAD I was that night.  It speaks volumes about Kris and his character; that he could take my anger and frustration in stride, be patient, and still ask me to marry him anyway!

#4.  He LOVES my cooking.  I know that sounds like it's more about me, and maybe in some ways it is.  But it has always meant a lot to me that he loves my cooking.  He is not a dessert person.  Give him meat and potatoes and he's a happy, happy man!  So, it was always surprising (and pleasing) to me when he loved my desserts too!  He'll still take steak any day over anything else though.  He made me feel good whenever he complimented my cooking, and told others how good it was.  He gave me confidence in that area, and I've always loved that about him.

#5.  I will never forget one of my first real self-conscious moments with Kris.  I was sitting on our bed.  I was upset.  I had put on 30 pounds in our first 6 months of marriage.  All that good cooking I was doing. ;-)  I was crying and really hating my body.  Kris came and stood in front of me.  He lifted my head and we had this conversation:

Kris:  You know I love you, right?

Me:  Yes.

Kris:  And you love me, right?

Me:  Yes.

Kris:  Then nothing else matters.

Sure...maybe he evaded the real issue, but he showed me in that moment that all that mattered was our love for each other.  How I looked, how much I weighed...none of that mattered.  As long as we loved each other, that would be enough.  In those early months of marriage, it was enough for me.  That moment, the exact words, will always stay with me.  It speaks of Kris' sweet nature and kindness.

#6.  I've tried a lot of different things.  Crocheting, quilting, BeautiControl, Pampered Chef, writing, making headbands and jewelry.  In each of these endeavors, Kris has cheered me on, supported me, and believed in me.  He has never said "I wish you wouldn't do that."  He has never shot me down.  He has never made me feel guilty for spending money we didn't have on hobbies I enjoyed.  He has constantly been by my side, encouraging me and making me believe that I can do whatever I set my mind to.

#7.  He is the best dad in the world!  Seriously.  I'm not just exaggerating.  I have never seen a more dedicated and loving father.  Kris has always been there.  When I have not, he has been the constant.  In some ways, at times, it was as if I were the absentee parent.  When I went through bouts of depression, Kris picked up the slack and acted as both mom and dad when I couldn't be. When I left home back in February, that was something I had to think about.  I really thought that if Kris and I didn't make it, the kids would be better off with Kris. Not just because I was so messed up on every level.  But because he was, and always would be, a GOOD dad.  Don't worry.  I'm not reverting back to that inward hatred of myself.  I'm just reflecting on a very dark time in my life.

#8.  He didn't bring me flowers often.  He didn't buy me jewelry.  He showed his love in other ways.  He would buy me my favorite tea or candy bar.  Or he would take me out.  And he would get me flowers, at times when I just really needed them.  He has always had a desire to make me happy.  He's a peacemaker, by nature and I saw that over and over again in our marriage.  Whether it was a little stuffed giraffe, or being the first to apologize, Kris has always been there trying to show me love, in his way.  And now that we are learning to speak one another's love language, it has just gotten better.

#9.  Kris is a hard-working and dedicated provider.  He works diligently to provide what our family needs.  He has a very strong work ethic.  Really, his work ethic is just part of who he is, because he is as (and has been) as dedicated to our marriage as he is to anything else he sets his mind to.  He is the most dedicated and hard-working person I have ever met.  This is an amazing quality to have.  I'm blessed to have such a devoted husband and father for my kids.

#10.  He has loved me.  Deeply and passionately.  In all of my depression and weaknesses, in all of my ugly, he has loved me.  He has stayed by my side.  He has forgiven.  He has shown mercy and grace and compassion.  He has shown me unconditional love, even when I couldn't see or feel it.  He has tried to live out love the way that Christ loves the Church, his Bride.

Ephesians 5:25-28

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought  to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself."

Thanks for loving me Kristopher, in all my phases, highs, and weakest moments.  I love you.  For a thousand years!  I looked back at this poem and put in bold and italics a part that I thought was so "prophetic" considering what we have been through.  I see now that you lived this out, in the good times and the bad.  In the light and in the dark.  Thank you.  You have my heart.

"i love you much (most beautiful darling)

more than anyone on the earth and i

like you better than everything in the sky

--sunlight and singing welcome your coming

although winter may be everywhere

with such a silence and such a darkness

no one can quite begin to guess

except my life)the true time of year--

and if what calls itself a world should have

the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such

sunlight as will leap higher than high

through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each

nearness) everyone would certainly (my

most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love."

-E.E. Cummings

Pain Management

My friend made this today and posted it on my Facebook page.  She knows me well.  With me, be careful what you say.  Or it'll go in the blog!

I had the EMG/NCV test done today.  I had it done three years ago, and all I have to say about the two tests is that I do NOT remember it hurting that bad three years ago!  The electric shock part hurt.  The needle in my muscles hurt.  My bicep STILL hurts.  I was crying at one point, but fortunately the pain management doctor was really nice and moved the needle when it hurt too bad.

Here are the results:

No carpel tunnel.

No pinched nerves.

All the pain/numbness/weakness in my right arm is caused from the disc issues in my neck.

What can be done?

Surgery is still not recommended, as the pain management doctor thinks that if I do the surgery now on the two discs that have ruptured, I'll wind up having surgery again in a couple of years on other discs.  Though, I will admit that my fear is that at some point every disc in my spine will be herniated at one time and I'll have to have a complete spinal replacement, which I am pretty sure they have not developed yet!

There is a question, Kris is "Googling" it, of the difference between herniated discs and bone spurs. The neurosurgeons both told me the discs herniated.  The pain management doctor said bone spurs.  Kris said once you have a herniated disc the bone spurs can grow.  The difference is extra bone growing where it shouldn't be and the herniated disc is where the disc ruptures and isn't where it is supposed to be.  If you combine the neurosurgeons and the pain management doctor's opinions, I have both.  Who knows what is going on inside my neck!?!

I asked him about my back, as it has been so problematic lately.  He simply said that he thought strength training would help that.  :-/  I wasn't very happy about that, but over all, my back is feeling better today than Sunday and so I'll take it.  I'm just trying to take it easy and make sure that I am not doing anything that will make the pain worse...which is pretty much EVERYTHING!

BUT...I am scheduled to have an epidural block in my neck on July 16th.  I'm nervous about this, after reading through the little brochure they gave me about it.  The first thing that the brochure said was that my pain could worsen in the first few days after the injection.  I don't find that very encouraging!

The other thing the doctor gave me was a prescription for Gabapentin (Neurontin).  He told me that it helps with nerve pain but that it can be difficult to get used to.  He said that the hardest thing to adjust to is the extreme sedation it causes until your body is used to it.  I was hoping that I could experiment with it tonight, to see if it would help me sleep actually, but every time they try to send a prescription over to Walgreens through their iPads (I blame APPLE), it doesn't work and I have to call.  So, I will have to call tomorrow morning and have them call it in.  So, maybe I'll sleep tomorrow night!

Overall, I feel like I'm making some progress with my pain, but still feel like I'm missing something.  I can't quite explain it.  I'm still frustrated in general and not a patient person.  So waiting two weeks for the epidural block doesn't appeal to me, but it is what it is.  I've just got to trust that this is all in God's timing and it's the next step in my treatment.

Have you ever taken Gabapentin/Neurontin?  I'd love to hear what your experience (or that of someone you know) was.  Just to give me something else to worry about.  ;-)  One person told me her husband was on it and was sleep walking before he got used to it.  And either he or someone else she knew had very vivid dreams while on it.  What about you?  Any stories/possible side effects I should be aware of?

Sure...why not...

It seems that I am destined to live in pain.

Yesterday at church, we had several people from China in our service.  Most of them have been imprisoned for their faith  Some for a few months; others for years.  One has been very instrumental in helping other prisoners get released in China; he also works for religious freedom for the Chinese people.  He spoke and his testimony was just awe-inspiring.  A couple ministers from the underground church also spoke and it was really fascinating to hear their stories.  We too often take for granted the freedom that we have.  We live in a country where we can believe and worship as we choose, whenever we choose.

Several of the young girls were dancing during our music service, and one of the Chinese women spoke about how she wished that her daughter could have that kind of freedom.  Their children do not know what it is like to worship freely and to sing and talk openly about Jesus.  For crying out loud, half the time children born in China are born "illegally" because they have to have an ordinance of sorts just to be able to get pregnant.  You know, that whole "only one kid" thing.  It's sad to think about living under those circumstances.  Fearing forced abortions.  Fearing imprisonment for believing in Jesus.

What I found so fascinating was this idea of suffering for Christ.  While most of the people that spoke were fearful of prison, once they got there, they realized that Christ had called them to suffer for his name.  And suffer they did.

We think we suffer here.

We don't.

Not really.

Not in comparison with what they suffer.

The man who preached spoke about "sufferology", as he called it, and talked about how we can walk into the local pharmacies and find limitless amounts of medication to make us "pain-free".  I sat there listening, feeling guilty for contemplating taking the Vicodin in my purse (because my back was hurting really bad yesterday morning).  I felt like I should tough it out.  If these people can go to prison, somewhat joyfully, because they know they are suffering for Christ, surely a little back pain isn't going to hurt me.  So I sat there thinking "OK.  How can I use my physical suffering for Christ?"  I never did come to any conclusion, and felt a pang of guilt as I finally did swallow the Vicodin around lunchtime.

Little did I know my "suffering" was about to get worse.

First of all, let me just ask you this:

How many people can lean over to wash their hands and manage to hurt their back?

No one?

Just me?

Because that's how it happened.  We were stopped at a rest area, on our way home from dropping Katherine off at camp.  I leaned over to wash my hands and felt that familiar pull; that "something" in my back just give way.  Pain coursed through my lower back and swept down my legs.  If I thought I had been hurting at church that morning, THAT was nothing compared to how I felt when I attempted to stand up straight after washing my hands.

In comes the guilt, full force.

Because I know where I will end up.

In the E.R.

Because when the pain gets this bad, the only thing I want is just a couple hours of relief.  I don't even care if they send me home with medicine or not.  I just want that couple of hours without the intense pain.  I'm not looking for drugs.  I just want to be able to sit/stand/lay without excruciating pain, even if it is just for a short time.

On top of that, I was still pondering the sermon that morning about suffering for Christ.  Should I be using the pain in my neck and back to somehow be a witness for Christ, instead of trying to make it stop?  What does that even look like?

Beyond that, I look at Kris and think "Here we go again.  He's got to put up with his invalid wife and her pain yet again."  And he does it so graciously.  He just goes with the flow.  He told me that if I needed to go to the E.R. we would go to the E.R.  I contemplated just going home, taking the Vicodin I did have (and a muscle relaxer) and laying down.  But the longer we drove, the worse the pain got.  It would become stabbing, then radiate down into my legs.  I cried half of the way to the hospital, out of pain mostly, but also frustration for having this body that seems to be decaying at a rapid rate.

At one point, as Kris was wheeling me along the hospital corridor, I said to him "This is just getting you ready for what life will be like in ten years, when I am confined to a wheelchair."  He just nodded, smiling slightly and said "I know."  At least, I imagine he was smiling slightly.  That's what I'm telling myself.  I couldn't see his face.  For all I know, he was grimacing at the thought of having to take such extreme care of me.  I told him that our wedding vows...the in sickness and in health part...it was a compromise.  He gets the in sickness part (because it seems there is always something wrong with me) and I get the in health part (because I don't like sick people).  Yes...you can deduce from that statement that I do not like myself when I am sick either.  It isn't just other people, though I do well with the kids.  Unless they are coughing.  Then, well, that's another story.

We know I have two herniated discs in my neck.  We know I have Osteoarthritis/Degenerative Disc Disease/call-it-whatever-you-want.  We know I have several bulging discs up and down my spine.  And do you know what we know now?

It is very likely that the bulging disc in my lower back herniated.  The release papers from the hospital show "Sciatica".  Somewhere in the paperwork it said that it is often caused by the shifting of a disc.  That is the explanation apparently for the fact that the pain was radiating down my legs.

Funny story...

So, they take me back to the triage area, and one of the nurses says "I have to ask you a question.  This is a question we always ask everyone."  Now, before I continue, please note that this is my third trip to this E.R. for myself and they have NEVER asked me this question before.  She proceeds to say "Have you had any thoughts of suicide?"  I thought, "Not lately" but said "No."  She asked if I had any mental illness.  I said "Besides depression, no."  Abbey, who was in the room with me, said very animatedly "You have depression?!?"  I smiled and said "Sometimes."  She said "So that's why you take that medicine!"

Anyway, my medication is in their system.  It's not secret that I take Wellbutrin XL 300mg.  And they have never asked me that before.  The nurse asks again, "But you haven't had any thoughts of suicide?" Again, I tell her no.

I go back to the waiting room and while Kris leaves to take the kids to his mom's, they take me back for x-rays.  USUALLY when I go to Missouri Baptist they get me hooked up to an I.V. right away and administer Dilaudid, which in my mind is a miracle drug.  They were extremely busy last night though, so I waited for at least 2 hours before I ever got back into a room.  After the x-rays are done (which were excruciating), I am taken back to "Room 8".

I'll tell you this right now.  You do NOT want to go to Room 8.  It's like a Stephen King novel.

The nurse came in and told me to put the gown on, saying that she would return when I was dressed and give me medicine.  I'm thinking "Finally!"  She leaves the room, but she doesn't shut the door all the way.  I remember thinking "That's weird. She left the door cracked.  What if someone walks in?"  I'm still alone at this point, because Kris hasn't returned yet.  I change as best I can, and this really sweet nurse comes in and helps me get the gown tied and fastened, then tucks me into the hard bed with it's painfully thin mattress, and covers me with a warm blanket.  She asks if I want the light out.  I'm thinking "It's just after 8pm.  Do people normally want the light out?"

Then I realize that there is no T.V.  Why is there no T.V.?  There is ALWAYS a T.V.  How was I going to watch America's Got Talent to occupy my mind while I waited for a doctor?

I start looking around the room.  The walls are completely bare.  There is this weird camera thing in the corner, that I don't really give much thought to.  I thought that because they were so busy, I got the worst room, just by chance.  Kris arrived with my favorite peach tea (I love that tea--and that man!) and I explained to him that they didn't give me the usual concoction for the pain.  They put an I.V. in, but instead of giving me Dilaudid with the Toridol and Robaxin, they just gave me the Toridol and Robaxin.  The internet told me that Toridol is used for moderate to severe pain.  But I can tell you this.  There is not an immediate effect with Toridol.  At least, not for me.  So, I'm still laying there in agony.  No position is comfortable.  The pain in my legs is almost unbearable.

Shortly after Kris got back, the nurse came in with Dilaudid.  Missouri Baptist redeemed themselves in that moment.  Prior to that, I was so frustrated and in so much pain.  I just knew that they thought I was just some drug addict seeking a quick high.  I have a fairly high pain tolerance.  I might complain a lot, as any drama queen would do.  But in general, living in constant pain, you get used to it.  It's annoying.  It's frustrating.  It hurts.  But it has to get really bad for me to break down and go to the E.R.  Since I had just been in there two months ago, when the discs in my neck herniated, I figured they were intentionally not giving me Dilaudid, because they thought I was just looking for drugs.  I am glad I was wrong.  Or, at the very least, even if I was right, they gave me the medicine anyway.

This took my pain from a 9 to about a 7.  Which is odd, because usually one dose of Dilaudid and I am feeling about 80% better.  That was not the case last night though.  The doctor came in and asked me how I was feeling.  I told her that I felt slightly better but the pain was still at a 7.  She said "So not good enough to go home yet?"  I told her that I could go home, but that I was still in a lot of pain.  She assured me that they would give me another "shot" of Dilaudid before they sent me home.  She explained what I already knew.  Nothing they did was going to relieve the pain completely. I told her I understood and I appreciated the second dose of Dilaudid.  When the nurse came in to give me that, she brought with her 2 Percocet.  By the time I left the hospital, my pain was down between a 5 and 6.  Definitely better than when I first got there.  My legs were still hurting, along with my back (and they still are today).  But ultimately, I got the short relief I was looking for and can function.  Sort of.  I got a work note, saying I can't do anything for 2 days.  I gave it to Kris and told him I was "off duty".  I have my EMG/NCV tomorrow with the pain management doctor, so I plan to tell them about this newest "development" then.

After reviewing my x-rays, the doctor told me that she believes the disc in my lower back, the one right between the lumbar and thoracic spine (not sure which number...L something) has ruptured.  She said that the x-rays show that there is some height loss where the disc should be.  While this can't be confirmed without another MRI, she believes the disc ruptured, and that this is what was causing the pain in my lower back and legs.

Kris posted this on Facebook last night:

"So apparently Jamie now has a herniated disc in her lower back to match the ones in her neck.  Does she get extra points for symmetry?"

My mother-in-law follows up with this:

"Kris how could you use a math term to explain Jamie's condition.  You know she hates math!!!"

I think that perhaps the most amusing part was when Kris got back to the room.  One of his first comments was "Why don't you have a door knob?"  I inspected the door again.  Before I just thought "That is a weird handle."  It was this metal, almost triangular shape.  As soon as Kris said that though, I put it all together.  The questions about my mental state.  The video camera.  The blank walls.  The lack of a televison.  The door locks from the inside and there is no escape.

Oh my goodness I am in the CRAZY room!

The room they reserve for convicts or psychiatric patients!

Purely coincidence, based on how busy they were?

Hmm...you know how I feel about coincidences...

Music That Moves Me - Week 10

I wasn't planning to write tonight.  And I wasn't planning to move forward with my Music That Moves Me "segment", if you will.

But I've said before that while this is my blog, I write as I feel led by God (except for posts like Skyvi, where I just really wanted to share something funny with you).  Tonight is definitely one of those nights.

All day long I have been wrestling.  Maybe wrestling isn't the best word, because it would seem to imply something intense.  I've been thinking a lot today.  And not good thinking.  I've been thinking thoughts that I don't want to think.  I've been wondering things and pondering, and thinking about the past.  I've had temptations today left and right it seems.  Subtle and fairly easy to combat, but there nevertheless.  And I've recognized the enemy, trying to lure me into a trap.  Trying to get me to fall back into my old patterns.  Into habits I had, that I've been able to control.  Today was one of two days in the last four months where the temptation was strong.  I didn't give in.  I didn't feel powerless against the enemy, because I am NOT!  But it's been a rough day, inside my head.

I've shared my thoughts and fears and concerns with my ally, Kris.  We've talked and I've prayed and I feel like there has been victory.  But at the same time, I have felt weak today.  I find myself wondering about the past and if any of it was real.  I find myself thinking about people I don't want to be thinking about.  My mind has been filled with memories that I thought were gone, or at least suppressed.  And by the end of the day, I felt worn down and battered.  And still thinking.

I don't know where to go.  Is it something that we need to talk about in counseling, or is this just the enemy trying to get at me in a different way?  Part of me wonders if there are certain aspects of my past that are still unresolved.  Is it that, or is Satan really the mastermind behind all these thoughts in my head?  These insecurities I am suddenly feeling today.  Ultimately...the things that have been tossing around in my head are from the enemy, but I wonder still if I don't need to put words to them and confront them head on.  I wonder if I should try to deal with some of these things or keep pushing them down and not thinking about them.

The thing is that I know thinking about them is of no value.  I know that regardless of what the answer is, the outcome is still the same.  These thoughts and feelings that are trying to overpower me are just that: thoughts and feelings.  I have questions.  Questions that shouldn't matter, because I know that in the end, I will feel insecure and wrestle with convincing my heart that I truly am the beautiful creation that God tells me I am.  I don't even want answers.  I just want to ask some questions, even if it is just to myself.  I am the type of person that needs to talk something out over and over again before I can find peace and really feel like I'm OK with whatever the situation may be.  And lately, I've been wondering if I need to ask my questions.  Process what I am thinking and feeling.  Even if it is just to myself, or in counseling.

The reason this has come up in the format of a blog post is because it all seemed to culminate as I drove home tonight.  I was alone.  I was listening to Joy FM, which is pretty much all that I listen to these days.  I even sent Kris a chat telling him that, before, I used to look for any excuse to get out of the house.  For reasons that were not good for me.  Now, I look for excuses to return a movie or run to the store, just so I can listen to Joy FM.  And while I know I can just listen to it on the phone, my van has almost become a sort of refuge for me.  A place of safety.  I can't really explain it.  Maybe I'm just crazy like that.  Shut up!  As I got close to home, this song came on.

I got halfway through this song before I broke down.  At first, I was just thinking about how grateful I was that God has shown this truth to me.  That there could never be a more beautiful ME.  It's something I have wrestled with all my life and something I have always expected to feel, from a man.  But since Good Friday, God has been teaching me so much.  And true beauty and what it really is has been one of those lessons.  But with all the questions rattling around in my head and then this song playing, I found myself in my driveway as the song continued.  And I just lost it.  I began sobbing.  Because I heard these words: "If you feel depressed with past regrets, the shameful nights hope to forget can disappear.  They can all be washed away by the One who's strong, can right your wrongs; can rid your fears, dry all your tears and change the way you look at this big world.  He will take your dark distorted view and with His light He will show you the truth. And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl."

I couldn't, at the time, really even understand what it was I was feeling.  Part of me was thinking about those past regrets, the shameful nights I hope to forget.  I felt a great sense of sadness.  And then I was overcome by this thought of being able to see again, through the eyes of a little girl.  I can't even put words to it, really.  I just sat there, sobbing.  Thinking, "I should go inside.  It's almost midnight."  But glued to my seat in the van, with my head in my hands, allowing myself to FEEL.  It hurts.  When I really let myself think about what I've done and all the people I have hurt.  And not just other people.  Myself.  The person I became.  The things I've done that took me so far from my husband and my God.  It wasn't self-pity I was feeling.  And while it was tempting to give in to the self-loathing Satan was enticing me with, instead I just felt so sad and broken.  I felt like the old Jamie, for just a moment.  For a moment, I questioned the validity of a statement like "There could never be a more beautiful you."  It was gone almost as soon as it pressed down upon me, but it was there.

And I guess that's why I'm really writing. Because 20 minutes ago, I couldn't identify what I was feeling.  But sitting here writing, I can see that if I am honest with myself, that was it.  Could God really see me as beautiful after all I've done?  Could I really look at myself in the mirror and see that I was fearfully and wonderfully made?  Like I said, it didn't last long and God swept down, as He so often does these days and held me in His arms, as the next song came on.  I continued to cry and listen, holding tightly to the words in that song.  And He said to me, "You were made to love.  And be loved by me."  And that was enough.  He is enough.  His love is enough.  Regardless of whether or not I need to dig deeper into these thoughts and questions I have about my past, God loves me.  And I'm going to be OK.

Why?

Why?

It is perhaps one of the most-asked questions in our country.

Why do people die?

Why did this happen to me?

Why can't this be easier?

Why are my kids driving me crazy?

And much of the time, people tend to blame God or question Him, at the very least.  There is nothing wrong with asking God these questions.  I asked God a lot why Kris' and my marriage has seemingly healed so much quicker than what is considered normal. Why do other couples have to go through more pain, more counseling, more healing than we do?  I know that part of the answer is because Kris and I both had our own issues with sexual sin.  We could understand how the other could get to the place that we did.

Additionally, we formed an alliance fairly early into our counseling/healing process.  If Kris is feeling tempted, he knows that NO MATTER WHAT it is, he can tell me.  That it isn't going to hurt me.  That I WANT him to tell me when he is feeling tempted so that we can pray and take away the enemy's power.  If he hides that from me, the enemy keeps a hold on him, and that foothold will eventually lead Kris down the same old, familiar path.  And neither of us want that.
And likewise, with me, if I am struggling, or wanting to pull away or slip back into old habits, I can tell him.  And he will pray for me.  We can talk openly about these things, knowing that it is part of the healing process and something that we need, in order to keep the enemy away from our marriage.  We are in no way perfect.  I believe there is still a lot of healing that needs to take place.  There are other areas where we need to dig deeper and peel back the layers even more.  Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever leave counseling without having spent the majority of the hour crying.  But for the most part, Kris and I are doing exceptionally well.  And that being said, I do wonder OFTEN why it has to be so difficult for others in similar situations.

Beyond that, there is so much pain.  In this world.  In our lives (all of us).  It's hard to understand. And it's OK to ask WHY?  It's OK to question why something had to happen to us.  While I don't think it's helpful to blame God and pull away from Him, I can understand that tendency.  After all, I did that.  When God didn't answer my prayers and free Kris during the first 12 years of our marriage, I asked Kris and God how long we had to wait.  I didn't blame God, per say, but I did wonder why He didn't answer my prayers.  Why did He wait so long?  It turns out that He had already given the victory.  It took Kris hitting rock bottom to realize exactly what his sin was costing him.  It took me hitting rock bottom to face my sin and allow it to truly be in the light.  To allow God to break down the wall I had built up between me and Him.  We had to reach our very lowest before God could step in and work.  Otherwise, we would not have been receptive to it.
But that isn't why I started to write this.  I wanted to talk about all the pain.  The sadness.  The sickness and the death.

It seems that I have so many friends with wounded hearts and broken marriages.  And this breaks my heart.  Since God smashed my wall down (Good Friday), He has filled me with such compassion and desire to see marriages healed and restored.  I believe that God wants to do for others what He has done for Kris and I.  And I believe that He wants to use Kris and I as tools to do this, in some cases.

Beyond that, I have a friend whose husband has stage 4 cancer, that seems to be spreading
everywhere.  The latest test results were not good.  I cannot even begin to imagine the fear and helplessness she is feeling.  My heart breaks for her and her daughters.  Will they have to say goodbye to their husband & father?  Will God call him home before they are all ready?  Because let's be honest.  None of us are ready to face the death of a loved one.  Even if we know that they will go on to be with the Lord, and free of pain and suffering, we (as humans) don't want to face that kind of pain.  When someone we love dies, they take a piece of us with them.  God can indeed comfort and heal those left behind, but knowing this doesn't make it any easier to face.  I don't want to watch my friend say goodbye to her husband.  They have two young children and I don't want her to have to face raising them without her husband by her side.  They have been suffering through all of this for almost four years.  How long will they suffer?  Will God work a miracle or will He call this man home?  He's not even 40 years old.  Cancer is everywhere.  It almost makes me as angry as Satan does sometimes.  At least with Satan, you have some control over the place he has in your life.  With cancer, you don't get to call the shots.  There is no easy fix.  There is no cure.  People die every day from cancer.  It's heartbreaking.

On Thursday, friends of mine from high school were shocked by the news that a young woman they knew and loved was in a tragic car accident with her two little babies.  Her oldest wasn't in the vehicle and neither was her husband.  Of course, it immediately reminded me of losing Angi, Josh and Jacob, while Shawn and Alex weren't in the vehicle.  The mother died several hours after the accident.  Her youngest I believe, a son, died early yesterday morning.  The other child that was in the car had only minor injuries.  It's devastating.  I can remember what I felt when I heard the news about the Huckabas.  I know that a lot of my friends back home are now feeling that same shock and sadness.  They are in pain.  They are asking Why?

There are just some things in life we can't understand.

Additionally, there are the people that I hurt directly.  Some of them wounded severely.  Some of them are still reeling from the news of what I did.  Some of them are hurting so badly and there is nothing I can do about it (besides praying, which they may not even want from me).

I can't change what I did.

I can't take it back.

I can't undo the hurt and pain I caused.

All I can do is trust God and ask Him to strengthen me and help me to recognize when Satan is tempting me to feel that guilt and shame.  I can still feel deeply saddened at the amount of hurt I caused to some people that I considered to be close friends, but I cannot let the guilt and shame rule my life anymore.  It has no place in my heart.

Because God has forgiven me.

Because Jesus took my punishment.

Because I finally understood what the Cross was all about.

But that doesn't take away THEIR pain.  And this is what I wrestle with.  

I wish I had learned all of this seven years ago, so that I didn't hurt people anymore.  I wish that that part of my story had truly ended seven years ago.  But at the same time, Kris and I wouldn't have the marriage we do today if we didn't go through hell AFTER seven years ago.  Unfortunately, a lot of people got dragged down because of our stupid choices.  Because we didn't embrace God's true freedom in 2004.

While I believe that Kris and I needed to hit that rock bottom to really be free from what shackled us, I hate that so many people are hurting because of my actions.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed by an extreme sorrow.  In these moments, I allow myself to feel it.  Because I truly believe that God is showing me just a SMALL portion of what those I have hurt are feeling.  I allow myself to feel their pain.  Pain that I caused.  And I pray for them.  I pray for comfort for them.  I pray for peace in their hearts.  I pray for restoration in the areas where healing needs to happen.

And maybe they don't want my prayers.

Maybe there are some that will never be able to forgive me.

But that isn't what God wants me to think about.

He wants me to be obedient.

I think that it is OK for me to pray for those that I hurt.  Because it isn't a selfish prayer.  It's about another believer in Christ interceding on their behalf to do what I cannot-to heal broken hearts.  I can't sit by and not pray when I know that God wants me to.  It isn't about asking God to help them forgive me.  It is simply me knowing that prayer is the only thing that I can at this point.  It's the only good thing I have to offer.  It's the only amends I can make right now.  And I have to trust that it is enough for now.  Whatever God calls me to do later, in order to try to make up for the hurt I have caused, I'll do it.

¡Español!

Most of you know that I had the wonderful opportunity of teaching Spanish to the middle school kids at Grace Christian Academy this past semester.

While I loved all of my students (yes, even the more...active...ones!) and learned so much while teaching them, my heart connected with the only 8th grader I had in my class.  I'm kind of glad there were no other 8th graders.  Since as a teacher you aren't supposed to play favorites, I can honestly say she was the best 8th grade student I had!!  There was so much more to it than that though.  This girl exudes warmth and joy and love for others.

From the start, I was impressed by her maturity and spirit.  She made me laugh.  And once, when I was substitute teaching, she saved my life.  Almost literally!  I kept asking her what to do next, since I had no idea what I was doing.  And she was so kind and gracious.  She helped me out a LOT that day.  Each day in class, it was a joy to see her and interact with her.  Her laugh and smile was infectious.

I suppose this is what happens when you teach.  You grow attached to these kids.  And they carve out this special place in your heart, like your own children do.  And when you are no longer teaching them, there is a sort of void.  I'm really going to miss this girl.  Outside of Spanish class, I really didn't get a chance to know her well.  I wish that I had more time to get to know her.  I told her that once she becomes a neurosurgeon, I'd have her do all my surgeries!


I had the pleasure of watching her graduate and even managed to get a picture with her.  It is the only reminder I have of my time teaching Spanish.  I am grateful I had the opportunity to find out that #1. Yes I could teach and #2.  I wasn't too bad at it either!

Thanks Joi for sticking with me and giving me something to look forward to on Thursdays!  You're beautiful inside and out!  May God bless you in your new school.  I'll be watching the newspapers-you and I both know why! ;-)

Friday Letters

Dear Kristopher,

Thank you is not enough to express how grateful I am for you.  For your heart.  For you love.  Thank you for starting over with me.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally, even though I hurt you.  Thank you for walking this journey with me.  I wouldn't want to experience this journey we're on with anyone but you.  For a thousand years.

Dear Katherine,

Stop growing up.  It's not allowed.  Your father and I may have to put a stop to it.  We are not ready for you to turn 12, and I'm pretty sure we are nowhere near ready for the teen years!

Dear Kaleb,

Thank you for being so sweet these days.  So loving and kind.  And for all the hugs.  You don't know how much they mean to me.

Dear Abbey,

You are such a joy.  You light up the room.  When you aren't being moody.  Let's tame down the moodiness and up the joy, OK?  Never stop making me laugh!

Dear Olivia,

My baby.  You're almost 7.  It seems unreal.  I have loved our conversations about the "dirty hotel" and you telling me that when you grow up and get married you are going to check the Bible to see if I'm lying to you about how hotels are cleaned.  I love that your first place to turn is the Bible.  Smart girl.

Dear Anxiety,

I am so done with you.  You are not controlling my life anymore.  I'd appreciate if you would leave me forever.  Maybe someday.  But for now, I'm in control.  NOT YOU.

Dear Degenerating Neck & Back,

I hate you.  You are a source of constant pain and I'm so tired of it.  I'm too young to be hindered this much in my daily life.  I'd really appreciate it if you would just heal and let me be for another 20 years.  Work on that.  Otherwise, I'll be looking for a replacement.

Dear Satan,

You are a jerk.  We both know it.  You have wreaked havoc in so many lives and you just sit there laughing while we all screw up.  Well, I'm done with you too.  I'm not going to let you keep me in fear and sin.  Consumed by guilt and shame.  So quit trying to distract me.  You have been defeated.  Stop screwing around with my family!  You are not welcome in our home any longer.  We should have never let you in to begin with.  My God is bigger than you and one day, you'll get what's coming to you.

Dear Jesus,

I can't thank you enough for taking my punishment.  For showing me that it was OK to let go of my guilt and shame and let you carry it for me.  Let you nail it to the Cross.  What a HUGE relief it is to be free of that for the first time in my life!  Thank you for opening my eyes and pouring your love in and over and around me.  Thank you for making me new.  For taking my stony, stubborn heart and giving me a tender, responsive heart.  You've loved me through all the ugly and dark times in my life and have proven yourself faithful again and again.  When I am weak, remind me that you can carry me to the Cross if I can't walk there on my own.  Thank you for giving me beauty in place of ashes.  Thank you that I can wear forgiveness like a crown.

Process

The definition of "process" (as a verb) is to treat or prepare for something with a specific series of actions.  When we have to emotionally "process" something, there are steps we take in order to cope and deal with life.  That is what we call processing.  And by we, I mean me.

Kris and I have been doing a lot of "processing" throughout the last four months.  It's been painful at times, but through this, we are stronger and healthier than ever before.  I am so thankful that God led us to The Outpost when He did; from the Power of Purity conference, to counseling, to finding a real church family-it is exactly what we needed.  God has been so good to us.  We are so unworthy and undeserving.  And yet, He loves us anyway.  I still can't get over it.  I hope that I never do.

About once a week now, something happens that gets my heart beating faster, makes breathing more difficult, and just in general leaves me feeling like a jumbled ball of nerves, unable to cope.  For a few moments, it literally paralyzes me.  I have to force my mind and body into action.  You've "heard" me talk about consequences and collateral damage.  I've come to accept these moments as they come, but it doesn't get any easier.  Each time, it sends me into a panic and I have to try to "process" it.  I hate that feeling.  But it is a consequence of my choices.

Here is what I find so interesting about these moments of panic.  Instead of feeling this way every moment of every day, I only feel this way about once a week (two or three times if it's a really bad week).  Instead of living with this anxiety on a regular basis, I am finally free of it, for the most part.  Until something comes up that is a reminder of my past, a consequence of my actions.  I think it is amazing to only deal with the anxiety from time to time, instead of constantly.  You don't understand what a huge difference this is from the way I was living.  I was always anxious.  Always taking Xanax to calm my nerves.  I recognize now that much of my anxiety was coming directly from the choices I was making.

That is one of the GOOD consequences for finally doing the right thing (even if God had to pull me into the light).  My anxiety is now something that I feel I have some amount of control over.  Instead of just swallowing me up, I can feel it coming on and take steps to PROCESS it.  I can pray.  I can call Kris.  I can read the many passages in the Bible about anxiety/worry.  I don't have to take 2 Xanax and wait for it to kick in.  It is no longer my first priority.  It's a last resort.  Instead of reaching for the bottle of pills, I reach for something better.  Something stronger.  The nail-scarred hand of my Savior.  Do I still take Xanax?  Yes.  Sometimes.  But with each anxious moment, I am trying harder to resist it.  To go to the one who asks me to cast my anxiety on him.  He took my punishment.  He can take my anxiety.  

I heard a song today.  You're shocked aren't you?  It seemed to really fit with this.  Since Good Friday, I have been living this song and am so grateful for the second chance I was given.

"I felt love, I felt your grace.  You stole my heart that day.  You've been walking with me all this time."  - Britt Nicole, "All This Time"

How do you "process" life in all it's chaos?  Yoga?  Deep breathing?  Freaking out?  Taking it to the Lord?

Stepping out of my comfort zone

If you are familiar with this blog, it may seem to you that I don't have any problems stepping out of my comfort zone.  What you may not know, because I seem so "open", is that sharing my story with you is totally outside of my "comfort zone".

It isn't easy or fun for me to admit The Ugly Truth.  

I keep thinking about writing part 2 and I find that it's not time yet.  I keep waiting for God to lead me to write the next part, but the truth is He hasn't yet.  And I don't want to write it without His leading.  But I can guarantee you that when He does lead me to share the next part of my story with you, it will be completely outside of my comfort zone, even more so than He's already taken me.  Because the second half of the story gets a lot uglier, before redemption comes.  I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life and sadly, part 1 was only the beginning of my downward spiral.  It isn't comfortable to admit that.

Nothing about being open and honest and vulnerable is comfortable.  But I'm learning it's not about me and my comfort level.  It's about what God is doing in my life and asking me to share, so that HE can work in other people's lives.  

Another thing that is completely outside of my comfort zone is talking about pornography.  It is a topic that has deeply impacted my life and it isn't easy to admit the role it had in my marriage.  HOWEVER, if no one talks about it, it stays hidden.  And that empowers the enemy.  So, when I wrote about 50 Shades of Grey, it was not comfortable, as I wound up discussing the topic of pornography.  

The majority of people just don't realize where it CAN lead.  It oftentimes goes beyond simply looking at images or movies or reading stories.  What serial killer have you heard of that hasn't been involved in pornography?  I'm sure they haven't all had that in their past, but a lot of them have.  I know that implying pornography leads to becoming a serial killer is an extreme declaration, but it is what CAN happen when someone becomes so desensitized to sex and what is natural.  

At some point, just looking at another woman or man isn't enough.  For some, it can lead to extramarital affairs.  For others, women or men aren't enough and they begin looking at the same sex, or worse, children.  Sometimes even those in their own family.  This stuff is real!  Thank God that He ripped pornography out of our life and marriage before it got worse than it did.  Because I truly believe that pornography has serious and long-lasting consequences.  People rape and murder and a lot of the time, we find that pornography played a role in their childhood, early adolescence and teen years.  Because at some point, simply VIEWING it wasn't enough.  

Lust is thirst.  Thirst for something more.  Something "better".  Something tangible.  It never leads to anything good, unless we're talking about within the confines of marriage.  It's OK to "want" your spouse and desire to be with them.  God designed us that way.  But anything outside of our marriages, where lust is concerned, is WRONG.  Debate me all day long, I will not change my view of that.  Because I have experienced firsthand how it can desensitize you.  And how it can impact your marriage and life.  Experience speaks far louder than just opinions.

So, there it is.  Those are "topics" that are outside of my comfort zone.  It may seem like it has been easy for me to share these things, but I assure you, I am not just comfortable being an "open book".  On the other hand, I think it is extremely important for me to share my story, and so I do, as God leads me.  And I know that I am not alone.  YOU may need to know that you are not alone. If we confront these issues head on and FIGHT for our marriages, we can save ourselves a lot of hardship.  We can defeat the enemy. We can steal his power!!  

I don't know about you, but I like the idea of stealing from the enemy.  He isn't going to control my life any longer!  There is a very real spiritual battle going on all around us, and we have to take a stand.  We have to lift up our Sword and FIGHT back!!  

2 Corinthians 10:3-5:  "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.  The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  On the contrary, they have divine powers to demolish strongholds.  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."