Unthinkable.

That is the word that comes to mind when I think about what my life would be like if I had never had kids.  Of course I HAD to choose this writing prompt.  I can't just let it pass me by...

You know, because I don't like my kids.  Or so some people think.  Because they don't understand sarcasm.  And because they don't really know me.  Or the demons I face on a daily basis.

But I think my answer might surprise you.  Or, if you know me well, it won't.

Quite honestly...I truly believe I might be dead.

Morbid?  Maybe.  A little.

OK...

...a lot.

Children change your entire outlook on life.

I don't remember battling depression BEFORE I had kids.  But I think that without the kids, at some point, I still would have wound up in the cyclical clutches of depression.  I think having children just kick-started what very well may be a lifetime battle for me.

I had my kids young.  Too young most people would say.  And I had a lot of kids.  Too close together.  It's next to impossible to have 3 children in 2 years and 5 days (without them being multiples), and yet somehow...I did it.

I got married when I was 20.  I had my first, second, and third child at ages 21, 22, and 23.  I missed out on a lot.  I missed out on traveling with my husband to all the places I've always wanted to go.  I took for granted the year and a half we had married, without kids.  The spontaneity.  The freedom.  The QUIET.  It was easier to just get up and go somewhere before kids.  Once you have one kid, you have to factor in one extra hour to prepare for any trip, even if it is just down the road to fill up your tank!

Having four kids?  That's right...four extra hours.  And then you have to factor in the screaming and fighting all the way to Indiana (a four hour drive) to see my parents.  Even the 12 minute drive to and from the kids' school is a nightmare for me.  Bedtime is a nightmare.  So many aspects of having kids pushes me to my breaking point.  On some occasions OVER my breaking point.

In some of my worst moments, when all I could think about was a way to die (yeah...I just admitted that...), the ONLY thing that kept me from making that a reality was the thought of leaving my children without a mother; that and the fact that I am terrified of pain and there are few ways to die without pain. While sometimes I feel like my children deserve a better mother than I am, and while I truly believe my husband is the best father in the world, no kid should grow up without a mother.  And it was the children that kept me going (that KEEP me going), in my darkest hours.  When I was up late at night Googling painless ways to die, or thinking about driving off the side of the road into a wall at 100 miles per hour, the children were there.  In the back of my mind.  Keeping me alive.  Forcing me to hold on.

Children are a blessing from the Lord.  They truly are.  Even the annoying ones.  :-)  And while it pains me that some women have to go through life not knowing how it feels to give birth and to see that baby for the first time, there are those of us out there who literally could not survive the pressures and stress of day to day life without children.  Children gives us a purpose.  Something to fight for.  Something to live for.  God gave me those four treasures to remind me that when I can't feel His love, I have a reason to be alive. I have a purpose.  I cannot leave those babies without a mother.

So there is no world, no life, in which I would change a thing.  It's unthinkable.