Have you ever...?

....found yourself in one of those moments where all you can do is shake your head and laugh?

I've eluded to some "drama" recently with Kaleb and Abbey.

The fact of the matter is that when Satan realized that he could no longer destroy my marriage, he decided to turn the tables and attack my family as a whole.  Several times, for the past week, Satan has made his presence known.

Our basement flooded during the night last Friday night.  Yes, I blame the devil.  He's evil like that...

This isn't the first time it has flooded and I am sure it won't be the last.  Kris and I found ourselves having little mini arguments over the weekend as well, WHILE TRYING TO READ SCRIPTURE.  Even in that, Satan was working overtime to come between Kris and I.  But our God is faithful.  And Kris and I persevered right on through.

I already shared my experience from Monday night; about how anxious I was and I see now that I was definitely being attacked by Satan.  Tuesday morning we woke up to more storms, literally.  After Kris had put some wet things from the basement outside to dry.  It was a tense morning but Kris and I went to breakfast and talked about life and acknowledged that we were under attack.  And laughed about how mad I got when Kris tried to turn Scripture on for us to listen to while I was trying to READ Scripture.  We were not going to lay down and let Satan defeat us. We were gonna stand, swords raised, and FIGHT BACK.

In the meantime, unbeknownst to me, that same day, Kaleb was physically violent towards someone at school.  Twice.  Two separate occasions.  And the person he hurt was a girl.  His used-to-be girlfriend.  They had apparently also exchanged mean words with one another but the incidents where he kicked her were separate from that.  She didn't tell the teacher until Wednesday, which is when I found out about it and all the drama at the house came to a head.  And when I found out, I immediately imagined him, ten years from now, sitting in jail somewhere for beating up his girlfriend.  I realize now that THAT thought came from Satan.  Where was my hope?  My mind immediately went towards defeat instead of hope.  How sad is that?

So, we got home Wednesday around 3:45pm.  Kaleb and Abbey were downstairs watching TV and I could hear them yelling at each other.  I went downstairs to deal with the situation and also talk to Kaleb about what had happened at school.  They were both lightly "disciplined".  Abbey went upstairs crying and Kaleb and I sat down to talk.

Kaleb and I were making some great progress.  He is a lot like me emotionally and he was telling me he was just a bad kid and all kinds of other crazy self-loathing nonsense (things I believed about myself for years).  I pinpointed something in that moment.  My son is carrying all the guilt and shame for every wrong thing he has ever done.  Sound familiar???  So I had Katherine bring my Bible down so I could share some of the verses about the Cross and how Jesus took our punishment.  I basically gave my testimony to my son (leaving out the very ugly details) and the conversation was going really well and I felt God moving, in my heart and Kaleb's.

And then...

Katherine came downstairs.

To tell me something.

These were her words:

"Um...Abbey ran away."

I asked her if she was serious.

She said yes.

I said "Like, she packed a bag and walked out the door?"

Yes.

Yes she did.

And Katherine, also being like me and very motherly, told me that she tried to stall her (which made me smile proudly on the inside), since she knew I was downstairs talking to Kaleb.  She said she kept trying to get her to pack more stuff but Abbey finally just left.  Walked out the door and away from the safety of our home.  Though at the rate Satan was going, our home wasn't too safe...

Upstairs and outside I flew, with Kaleb at my side.  I left Kat in charge of Olivia and set off to first, LOCATE my 9 year old.  My neighborhood isn't the greatest.  And I was worried for her safety.  And then, as I rounded the corner, away from our street, I spotted her up ahead, about half a block. So I told Kaleb we were just going to be quiet and follow her.  Make sure she stayed safe and see where she would walk to.

She wound up walking around the block.  I could see her up ahead, just looking around and walking.  When we got back around to the front of the house, she spotted us.  So, I sent Kaleb back up to the house and stood in the yard talking to Abbey.  I asked her why she was running away.

She said she wanted to find better parents.

I asked her why.

She said "Because I'm always getting hurt."

Remember, I had lightly "disciplined" her and she ran upstairs while I stayed downstairs and talked to Kaleb.

I said to her, "Abbey, when was the last one of your parents 'hurt' you."  She thought for a long moment, and then said "I don't remember."  I told her I didn't remember either.  And so I said "Are you really ALWAYS getting hurt?"  She acknowledged that she was not, but she was still determined to find new parents.

I asked her if I could walk with her and help her.  She said I couldn't, because she was looking for new parents and me not being there "was the point".  I think she said "That's kind of the point"  It's funny. You can laugh.  I asked her if she had packed clean panties.  She did.  I asked if she had her Bible.  She did not.  I asked if she had her Laura Ingalls Wilder book that she is supposed to finish reading for a book report that was due a week ago.  I wish I had taken a picture of her standing there.  Holding this blue bag, slung across her chest, with a full bottle of ice water.

We began walking.  I asked her why she really wanted to run away.  We sat down around the corner from my house.  She told me that no one cared about her and that she was geeky.  I found out that someone at school had said that because she wore glasses she was geeky.  She was brokenhearted.  She was feeling sad and alone and like no one cared for her.  And she didn't care if she lived or died.  SOUND FAMILIAR?

It is amazing how, in different ways, these kids are all just like me, struggling with things that I struggle with.  I proceeded to basically have the SAME conversation with Abbey that I had with Kaleb.  About how God had changed my heart.  About how Satan was attacking her mind.  About how Satan tells me lies too.  That I'm not good enough.  That I'm a bad mom.  That I'm not pretty.  And I explained to her that we have to recognize those lies and fight fire with fire.  When Satan attacks, we have to be prepared to throw God's word back in Satan's face.

Then I had a thought.  And I shared it with Abbey.

"Hey Abbey?  You know how God is a Father?"

She did.

"Well, today, instead of finding new parents, can you try to let God be your father first?  Can we try it God's way?"

She agreed.

So we set off towards home.

In that moment, walking back to my house, I had a very clear picture of what Satan was trying to do.  I hustled everyone into the house (with great urgency) and sat them before me, like we were about to have children's church or something.  And I suppose in some ways we did.  I was very blunt with them.  Here is what I told them, though it is probably not word for word because I don't have THAT good of a memory:

"For the last twelve years Satan has tried to destroy mine and Daddy's marriage.  And he almost succeeded.  Not long ago, I was done.  I was ready to give up.  I wanted to run away.  But God intervened and Satan can no longer destroy our marriage.  So you know what he's doing?  He's trying to destroy our family.  I refuse to let Satan do that.  He is NOT ALLOWED in this house!!  He is attacking all of you.  He's attacking your minds.  He's filling them with lies.  He is telling Kaleb he has to carry his guilt and shame.  He's telling Abbey that she's not beautiful and that no one cares.  We are not going to let him destroy us.  We have to fight back.  We have to have our swords ready.  God gave us the Bible as our sword.  I want to buy a freakin' sword to hang on the wall to remind us."

At this point, Katherine started laughing at my wanting to "buy a freakin' sword".  She just thought it sounded so funny.  I was pretty passionate in my "speech" at that point, and serious about buying a REAL sword to hang on my wall.  I want to inscribe "As for me and my house, WE WILL SERVE THE LORD." on it.  Sidebar-when Kris got home and I told him I wanted a sword, he went downstairs and brought up this cheap, plastic Lord of the Rings replicate hobbit sword.

No.

Not good enough.

I want a REAL sword.

Because we are in a REAL battle.

We'll have to save up for it.  Someday I will have a sword on my wall.  For now, though, I explained to the kids that we needed to be ready to fight.  We needed Scriptures that we could use that would help us when Satan throws his arrows and lies at us.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, a shift occurred.  There was no longer tension and instead, a calm had settled over our home.  I realized later (just yesterday during counseling) that Satan had HAD to flee.  We were fighting back and he had to leave.  Can you imagine how disappointed he must have been????  I can almost see him slinking away with his head hung in defeat.  A month ago, I would not have been equipped to handle this situation; and I certainly would not have recognized the enemy and the battle that was going on in and around my house.

Livvy had wandered off, as any bored-at-this-point-six-year-old would do.  But Kaleb sat there reading (though resistant) my verses I had written down about being free from guilt and shame, and about the Cross.  Abbey was looking up verses about beauty and her appearance and underlining things in her Bible.  At one point, towards the beginning of this, (and I wonder if this isn't exactly when Satan realized he had lost that battle for the time being and fled) Abbey let her Bible fall open.  It is an Adventure Bible and she saw, among a list of other "topics" something about Jesus being tempted by the devil.  She then proceeded to READ out loud the entire story of when Jesus was tempted and how he responded to Satan's temptations.  I do not think that is coincidence that she "stumbled" upon that, and I told Abbey as much.  I told her that God had given her a gift just then.  A little something special.  He gave her that passage at just the right time.  It was a really cool moment.

Katherine, in the meantime, was making a list of the Ten Commandments.  In her words.  She explained she wanted a big poster to put it on, so we could hang it in our house.  She also said "Mommy you should write a book."  I said "I will someday."  She said "I'm serious.  You should write a book."  I told her I planned to.  She went on the press and say "No, you should start it NOW."  I told her that I sort of already was, through my blog; as much of what I have learned and written in my blog will someday wind up in a book in some form.  She persisted and has now convinced me that I need to just go ahead and start an actual manuscript for my book.  I told her she wouldn't be able to read it until she was 21.  She asked why.  I told her because there was a LOT of bad stuff in it.  Not-kid-appropriate stuff.  She said "What about when I'm 18?"  If I finish the book before she is 18 (that gives me about 6.5 years), we'll talk about it.  It has the makings of a good "story".  I'm so thankful it has a happy ending.  In February, it wouldn't have had a happy ending.  I had no hope.  But thanks to God, it will.

So, that is the long version of what happened on Wednesday that I couldn't get around to writing about until now.  Because you know with me, there is no SHORT version of anything.  That is likely why I spent the last 7 years wandering and lost in sin and my entire life misunderstanding the Cross.  I couldn't just be lost for 3 months.  It had to be a LONG time.  Have you ever noticed how complicated WE make things sometimes?

You know, something my mother-in-law said to me, something she tried to comment on my blog (but was quite unsuccessful at), keeps coming back to me.  I am 33.  I keep talking about how my life changed at 33.  And she reminded me that Jesus was around thirty three when he died.

For me.

On that Cross.

The Cross that took me 33 years to understand.

Coincidence?

Absolutely not!