What would happen?

Have you ever been in a situation where you dreaded seeing someone?

I don't mean like a family reunion or some event.

I'm talking unexpected.  Running into someone, while you were out and about, going about your day.

I dread this.

All the time.

There are several people really that are on that radar for me.

And lately, I can't seem to shake the thought.  And when I think about it, the anxiety sets in and I can feel my chest tightening and I can't breathe.  I don't want to think about it.  It's unrealistic that I would run into these people I am so worried about running into.

And yet, I still feel the panic.

I have been thinking about this a lot, simply because it has been happening to me with greater frequency.  For the last week, I've been in this state of alert, whenever I go out anywhere.  A week ago, I *thought* I saw someone drive by.  Someone that I didn't want to see.  Someone that I don't want to "run into".  Ever.  And so now, even though I didn't actually see a face (only a car similar to one I dread seeing), I keep wondering "what if...".

I HATE WHAT IF.

And yet it plagues me.  I'm constantly plagued by it.  Since Good Friday, I have learned how to manage my "what ifs" a lot better.  In a healthier, safer manner.  And so, usually I just pray and ask God to give me peace and rebuke Satan, because surely He is trying to attack my mind by distracting me with these what ifs.  It happened again today and I just sat there, really frustrated.  I knew better than to just shut it down and push it aside.  Primarily because that isn't how I operate.  I'm not the kind of person who can shove something way down deep EASILY.  Sure, I can do it.  I did it for years.  But in scenarios like this, my mind doesn't seem capable. It certainly would be easier to handle life if I could do this whenever I wanted.  

So, I have allowed myself to think on it and because it is causing me quite a bit of anxiety, I'm writing about it.  For me, to keep it bottled up would cause an internal explosion that I don't think I could ever recover from.  In some ways, having lived my life on the verge of internal explosion for many years, I am shocked that when the internal became external, I survived.

But there is this little thing called consequence that sneaks back up from time to time.  A reminder of the person I used to be.  Not the guilt and the shame.  I WILL NOT go back to those chains.  EVER.  That's one of those scenarios where I pray "Lord, I believe.  Help me in my unbelief!"  

I believe that some of what I have been experiencing lately is simply collateral damage from mistakes I have made in my past.  There are people I don't want to see or confront (OR BE CONFRONTED BY) for good reason.  Just the thought of it causes me anxiety.  I have to pull out my "Anxiety Scriptures" and try to trust in God and be still before Him. Let Him take my anxiety, because He cares for me.  And I'll just go ahead and admit it.  I'm not very good at that!  I'm not good at letting God take my anxiety.  It isn't because I don't want him to.  Sometimes there is no how-to manual on God.  And how you are to "let go" of things.  How you are to "cast your anxiety on God".  What does that look like, practically?  There is no TANGIBLE way to do that.  Not that I am aware of anyway.

And so today, while I was at the park with the kids, I just kept watching the cars go by.  And thinking.  And praying that I wouldn't see *that* car.  I want so badly to just stop thinking about it. I don't want to think about it because I don't want to think about those people, or those situations I got myself into when I was living apart from God.  I don't want to have memories.  I don't want to think about the people that I hurt, or (I'm just now coming to realize) the people that hurt me.  

On the other side of it, I think it is very healthy for me to be conscious of those that I have hurt along the way.  Not to be burdened again by the guilt and shame that Satan wants me to feel.  But to be aware of and acknowledge their pain, and that I was one of the causes of that pain.  Sometimes I think God wants me to FEEL their pain.  Literally.  And so I can't wish away all of this.  Because I think that sometimes I need to feel what they are feeling, if for no other reason than to help them bear their burden.  Even if I am the one that caused the burden to begin with.  

I have wept and hurt deeply, not out of my own shame and guilt.  But I truly believe that God allowed me on two different occasions to feel the hurt and pain that I caused to someone else.  As if, maybe at those moments, their own pain was just too much.  Too overwhelming.  And the ONLY thing I could do (besides pray, obviously) was to bear some of that pain.  To feel what that person was feeling.

I really don't know where I am headed with this.  I think it is just one of those nights where I needed to get out what was churning inside, and this was it.  However scattered and unclear it may seem.

It doesn't help that I have now been off of my Wellbutrin (anti-depressant) for two days.  I have my Myelogram/CT scan on Tuesday, and I am not allowed to take the medication, or they will not do the procedure.  And I think that there is a part of me that is terrified of this procedure, even though I am thoroughly knowledgeable about it and know that it isn't really a big deal.  Well...technically, spending 8 hours at the hospital for a PROCEDURE is a big deal, if you ask me.  But, I know that the tests themselves aren't a dangerous thing.  That doesn't mean I'm not afraid though!  I asked the radiology department at St. Johns if I could be put out completely for the procedure.  Sadly, their answer was no.  They usually give Valium and sometimes a pain shot of some sort (Demerol I think), if the radiologist feels it is necessary.  The lady on the phone talked me back down from the ledge I was on and assured me that they would do whatever they could to make me "comfortable" before they stick a needle in my spine.  But I am still nervous.

And I have no clue how/if not taking my anti-depressant is/will affect me.  I can't take it for 48 hours after the procedure either!  So, it'll be next Friday morning before I can start taking it again.  I have a lot of fear for something that is supposedly so "minor".  Although, considering that the test will show nerve damage, which could very well determine whether or not I have neck surgery, it does slide up the "major" notch just a little.  Back and forth I go, between being afraid and anxious about things that are out of my control.

Again, I have no clue why I am writing all of this, except that it must need to get out of my mind and this is the outlet I have for that.  So...you're welcome.

Now, I have a turtle cheesecake to make.  Or rather, I have a husband-to-direct-on-how-to-make-this-cheesecake-in-the-hopes-that-it-turns-out-nothing-but-delicious for tomorrow's BBQ!