I've talked about running from God and living for myself these last seven years. I realized today that even during that time, I had phases I would go through, where I was trying. Where I was praying and hoping and believing that things could change. I came across a "virtual" prayer journal I had kept between November 2005 through June 2006. For 8 months I prayed, almost every day, that God would change something in our marriage. Something that Kris struggled with. We had come through a very ugly time at the end of 2004 and we were trying to make our marriage work. And a good friend at the time told me that I needed to be praying for Kris and I needed to "have his back". So I took that to heart. And I spent the next 8 months praying for victory over this area of his life. I can pinpoint the shift and when I essentially gave up on God answering my prayers in that specific area. Because I quit journaling. I quit praying. And I think that was the moment that I quit believing that God would ever take away that struggle. So I quit trying. In every way possible. I finally gave up hope that anything would change. I don't know how long I waited before I ran back to what felt safe and familiar, even though it was a sin for me. But I think I spent at least a year (possibly a year and a half) trying to be "good". And at the end of June, when I stopped praying, I must have stopped trying to be "good". Because after that, the next four years were a blur and everything just slowly spiraled out of control.
It was really interesting today though, to look back through all those prayers I prayed for Kris. I actually put them all into an email and sent them to him. To be honest, I don't remember all those prayers. I remember praying for him during the first five years of our marriage, but not AFTER. Not after what happened 7 years ago. It was somewhat refreshing to see that during the last 7 years, there was a time where I tried. Where I prayed fervently that God would heal what was broken. I think by the end of June 2006, my heart began to harden. I gave up. And that is when I went my own way. So it wasn't the ENTIRE last 7 years that I spent running from God. I tend to lump it all together, because it seems like things just haven't been quite right for the last 7 years. But there was a good year or so in there that I did have hope and I did pray and connect with God.
What I just found so interesting was the shift. That I could look back on my prayers and the specific things I was praying for. And after at least 8 months, God hadn't answered my prayers. He didn't fix what was broken. He didn't heal. And so I turned my back and walked away. God wasn't listening to me. At least, that is what I must have been thinking and feeling.
I hate that God used something horrific, in my mind, and yet pretty common these days (from the end of 2006 until the beginning of 2012) to finally answer my prayers. I wonder sometimes why He didn't answer my prayers before things got so out of control. Why did he wait? Why did we go through the pain that we did in order to find freedom? Was this really the way it had to be? Did I have to get so lost and so far from him, and Kris so embedded in his own issues for us to finally break free from the hold that sin had in our lives? It makes no sense. But, I am the kind of person that doesn't need it to make sense. I don't need those questions answered. I just know that we are where we are today, and even though it doesn't make sense and we shouldn't have had to endure what we did, we are better off for it. The relationship that Kris and I have been experiencing for exactly three months today is the best we have ever experienced in our almost thirteen years of marriage.
Three months ago today, I came home. For good. Kris and I became different people. Completely. We were freed from pain and addiction and the vicious cycle of hurting one another. While it would take me another month and a half to finally understand the Cross in a very real and profound manner, Kris and I started over three months ago. And I don't think our lives will ever be the same. I hope they are never the same. I hope that this is just the beginning. That we are on a new, wonderful journey of faith and healing and redemption. A journey that God will use to minister to other hurting people and other broken marriages.
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