G.N.O.

When I see the letters G.N.O. (or Girl's Night Out if that was unclear), I have fond memories of a group of friends gathering once a month, without the husbands or the kids to do something fun.  Dinner.  Bowling.  A spa party.  A night spent at The Trainwreck, dancing the night away (though I just watched creepy old guys dance with much younger women and was disturbed at these women willing to dance with said creepy old guys).  Another fond memory was the time we tried to start a monthly Bunco game.  Tara, it really was a great idea!  We had one, maybe two nights where we actually played Bunco.  One night, when we were supposed to play Bunco but didn't have enough people, we did what I like best.  We spent the whole night talking about me.

It didn't matter what we did for Girl's Night Out.  It was just about getting together, laughing, talking, and having fun.

So, when my mother-in-law asked me to go with her to a Girl's Night Out that her church was having (before Good Friday), I immediately thought "That is going to be lame."  No joke.  I'm not gonna lie.  I didn't want to go.  That's not my "thing".  Women?  In a church?  Trying to have fun?  No thank you.  I'll stay at home and watch a movie with my husband.  But when Cindy promised to take me to dinner beforehand, who am I to pass up a free meal?

Now, keep in mind, when she first asked me to go, I was still in a dark place spiritually.  She told me about it before Good Friday.  Before God opened my eyes.  But to be perfectly honest, even AFTER this transformation God performed inside my heart, I was skeptical.  I had a negative attitude because in general; it is not my preference to willingly put myself in a room full of other women.  Christian or otherwise.  I don't like women.  I include myself in that statement.  I like YOU, whoever YOU are that is reading this.  Just to clarify.  It's OTHER women I don't like.  Though I have a feeling that God is softening my heart in that regard as well, as I think he is preparing to use me to minister to other women.

In general though, I have a very difficult time making friends with other women.  My close female friends have come and gone.  I don't have a single friendship that has gone on for decades where we have stayed in touch and connected the entire time.

Sure.  I have some great friends.  I have a handful of women I have met that I would consider close friends.  I have a few more I think God is adding to that list.  But up to now, I think I felt like my life was too ugly.  Too shameful.  Too wrong.  So I didn't let anyone in (except Jennifer).  Especially women.  I don't know what it is with me and females.  Friends.  Authors.  Singers.  Beth Moore!  I am so picky about females it is ridiculous.  So, when I find a true friend that loves me for me, my sin-filled past and all, I don't want to lose that (you hear me Jennifer?).  Sadly, though, I don't have many CLOSE friends.  You know that recently (if you've been following my saga), due to consequences of my own actions, I lost one of those close friends.

All of that to say this.  I was not thrilled about going to the Girl's Night Out.  There were several factors.  #1.  Jennifer wasn't going to be there.  Though I must admit that it was so refreshing and it made my heart happy to share the experience with my friend Tara, and my mother-in-law.  Both of whom know the details about my "story".  But I still wish Jennifer had been there.  Because I love her.  And miss her.  #2.  I had already decided ahead of time that it was going to be boring and stupid.  What can I say?  I'm cynical.    #3.  I had no clue who Ilonka was and was sure that this "churchy" event was going to suck.  There.  Brutal honesty.

Well, as "coincidence" would have it, (yeah...coincidence...right...) God had other plans for this night.  Let me just throw out some of the words that I heard tonight that have had great significance in my life in the last month.  Words that came from Ilonka's songs and testimony itself.  Words that speak to and affirm the truths I have been writing about since Good Friday (in no particular order).

Shame
Guilt
Depression
Weighed down
Burdened
Broken
Freedom
You are beautiful
You have great worth
Scars
God is holding on to me
STORIES!  - this one really got to me; Outpost people, I'm sure you will agree that this is NO coincidence.  She talked about how important it is to share our stories with others.  She would fit right in at The Outpost!  Her voice is like one of Dianna's cupcakes:  unbelievably amazing.

I seriously lost count of all the words she said that have dominated my thoughts and my heart over this last month, not to mention how many times I sat there, mesmerized as she sang powerful words, with tears streaming down my face.  God wanted me to be there tonight.  He wanted me to listen, so that he could reaffirm everything he has been saying to me.  I looked at Tara next to me, and Cindy on my other side, knowing both of them saw God's hand at work and knew he was speaking to my heart.

I could write all night about how this night moved me (no worries, it won't be ALL night!).  How the testimony of this amazing woman and the lyrics of her songs spoke to my heart.  My mother-in-law was awesome enough to purchase her CDs for me and I am so glad she did.  The words in these songs speak to my heart.  They reaffirm what God has been teaching me.  And it was a soothing balm for my soul tonight to go.  To listen.  To be reminded.  To let God further heal my heart.  To let the tears fall.

At one point, I was just waiting for Ilanka to say the words "second chances".  She didn't.  However, not surprisingly, one of the songs on one of her CDs is called "My Second Chance."  Ahh...there it is!  What I found interesting was a concept I think I understood but never put words to until tonight.  Instead of singing about how God is a God of second chances, she is singing about having a second chance at human love.  And, of course, it is fitting with my current life situation and my marriage.  In part of the song, she sings  "I'd marry him a thousand times.  Cause when you put him next to me, I just couldn't be without this man.  I promise to love him every moment I have.  To show him every way that I can that he's my one.  I'll never, never let him slip through my hands.  I will hold on to him forever.  Cause I know this in your plan.  My second chance to give a kind of love that's in me.  And to receive it in return."

Kris, I am SO thankful  we have been given a second chance.  At love.  At our marriage.  At building our family on the foundation that cannot be moved.

So, even though she didn't mention "second chance" during her testimony, those words were still spoken to me when I listened to her CD at home.  And let me just say this.  Her voice is AMAZING.  It doesn't SOUND like Adele, but she has the same POWER behind her voice.  She can SING.  She reminded me sometimes of Christina Perri.  But in general, I just fell in love with her voice and watching her as she sang.  You could see the passion and truth of what she is singing in her eyes and on her face.  Not to mention her crazy-awesome South African accent!

It was such an amazing experience.  And God led me to share a little bit of my story with someone else tonight.  There are a handful of people that know the details.  Or at least, the summary of the details.  I haven't told many people, but God has given me several (at least 10) opportunities since February to share what I've been through.  And now that I am finally understanding God's love for me, and his grace, he seems to just keep putting people in my path who may want/need to hear my story.

I found this on Ilanka's website, and it sound so much like where I am at right now.

"'My story is one of redemption,' Ilonka says.  I first had to be broken before God could bless me, and now I'm in a place where He can use me.  I feel so grateful for that.  I couldn't have chosen a better path for myself.'"

I feel like something is about to happen.  I don't know what.  It's just something I feel.  Like something is just going to explode.  Not in a bad way either.  I have already seen glimpses of God using my story and I have no doubt that he will continue to use it.  And all I can do is be ready and willing to share it.

On another note, remember that book Katherine convinced me to start writing?  I finished the prologue last night.  I would let you read it, but it gives away too much.  You'll have to just wait...