That was a first

Kris and I got into a fight little disagreement this morning. Of course, as usual, I said something sarcastic.

I know...shocking...

Kris responded in kind, which is actually somewhat unusual for him.  Usually he deals with all my crazy very peace-maker-like.

But my wall went up with his clearly annoyed-with-me attitude, and I withdrew into my moody self, as usual.

So we're riding along, listening to Switchfoot.  I'm brooding.  I'm thinking "He's being irrational. He shouldn't have treated me that way."  And yet this quiet voice was whispering "Jamie, you know that you're being ridiculous."

"Yes, God. I know I'm being ridiculous, but he doesn't love me. If he did, he would have been kinder to me, despite my mean, sarcastic attitude."

I sat there, just thinking. Thinking about feeling unloved by my husband. Angry with myself for not knowing how to end the tension. Not knowing how to feel Kris' love in the midst of conflict.

And then, as is very typical of a loving and caring God, he gave me a message.

Through the Switchfoot song that was playing in that moment.

It's called "Your Love is a Song".




And the message I heard so clearly, in  that moment of weakness, questioning my husband's love, was significant.

In the past, in every single previous scenario identical to this, my tendency would be to look to something or someone else. To food. To a friend to agree that I was right and he was wrong. To Satan, and his lies telling me that my husband doesn't love me because he's mad at me.

But today, God claimed a small victory over that area of my life. With tears streaming down my face (this seems to be quite usual for me these days), I understood that God was saying this:

 "I love you. You need to turn to me. Don't look to Kris. Don't look anywhere else. Look at me. Listen to me. You are loved. When you feel like Kris doesn't love you, remember. I love you. Today is a day for change and you will learn to look to me for that love and that affirmation. And I'll give it to you."

And here is the key. I listened. For the first time. Ever. I heard and believed it when God said that He would give me that love that I always used to look for in all the wrong places.

With my eyes wide open
I've got my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my hopes unbroken
Ooh your love is a symphony
All around me
Running to me
Ooh your love is a melody
Underneath me
Running to me
Your love is a song
Your love is my remedy
Oh your love is a song