Blessed are those who home school...Part 2

It's funny.

Almost-but-not-quite a year ago Kris and I were wrestling with what to do with our children and their education.  We couldn't afford to send them back to Grace.  If I had tried to home school last year, I am certain (looking back) that it would have been devastating to our family.

I'm sure many of you remember the great home school debacle from last May.  If you are not familiar with the complete thrashing I received about saying it was God's will for me to send my kids to public school for *that* year at least, you can find that here.  <---Just click there and it will take you to the post.  It will give you a reference point for where I am heading with this post, but it is really long.  You have been adequately warned.

So now, here we are, almost a year later.  Faced with the same decision.  And this time, I am not working full-time. So do you think we can afford to take out an $18,000+ loan to keep the kids in private school?

And while we are faced with the same decision now, our lives are so drastically different.  All six of us.

You see, a year ago, my life and my marriage was in shambles.  Most of you didn't know. Most of you saw us and thought we were happy and thriving and living up to the "good Christian" example.  Believe me.  We were not.  It's easy to LOOK good.  To look like you are OK.  We were NOT OK. And only two people knew it.  Jennifer and I knew.  Well, and God.  Kris didn't know we weren't OK.  I think he sensed things weren't quite right, but I don't think he understood how deeply I was hurting and how far from God I was.  The kids didn't know we weren't OK.  But I knew and Jennifer knew.  She was my only friend at the time who I KNEW I could share my entire heart and soul to and she would love me anyway.  She knew the depth of my struggles and she loved me through what was a very difficult time in my life.  God and I were not on good terms.  He was pushed over in his corner, because I couldn't handle Him and the life I was trying to live at the same time.  I was angry at Kris for real and imagined reasons.  I wasn't angry at God but I certainly wasn't trusting Him with the hurts of my heart.  I wasn't allowing Him to heal what was broken inside of me.

This last year has been so amazing (SO HARD BUT AMAZING), as I reflect back on it.  And I can clearly see that God was shaping me and preparing me for what I am about to reveal to you.  I didn't know it then.  But I see it now and Kris and I are convinced that the events of the last year were no coincidence.

Here are some facts from the past year:

I was depressed.

I was living apart from God.

I could care less what happened in my marriage.

I just wanted to make it through to the next day, and some days didn't care if I made it through or not.

We didn't have the money for private school and in May of last year, chose to send them to public school.

I got laid off in August.

Now there was NO WAY we could send them to Grace.

Somehow, in July, God provided a way for the kids to return to Grace for one year.

My mother-in-law had been constantly hounding me (love you Cindy!) to teach Spanish at Grace, and in December, I finally said "OK."

I did NOT see myself as a teacher.

I didn't like people.

I didn't like other people's kids.

But we needed the money, and I needed to do SOMETHING.

I learned that not only did I ENJOY teaching Spanish, I wasn't half bad at it!  And I LOVED my kids.  Even the rowdy sixth graders!  :-)  I wouldn't have traded this last semester of teaching them for anything.

And I needed to teach Spanish to understand that I COULD teach.  And if I can teach 15 kids I didn't know, then certainly I can teach my four kids, right?

Which brings me to this.  We thought things *MIGHT* fall into place for me to teach in compensation (or part compensation) for the kids' tuition at Grace for next year.  But for reasons unknown, that door was recently closed.

You combine that with the fact that I had a dream the other night that I WANTED to home school my kids and the fact that I don't want to send them to public school, that dream (whether inspired by God or not) caused me to really start contemplating this idea of home schooling.

And when God seemed to close the door for me to teach Spanish next year, He opened my eyes up to this concept of home schooling.  And guess what?!?  I'm listening.  Unless God drops $18,000 in our laps, I will be keeping the kids at home and giving home schooling a shot.  It's amazing how peaceful I feel about it.  I'm not sure you understand.  I really WANT to do this.

I can see how God was preparing me.  Since I was in such a bad place this time last year, there was NO WAY I could have handled it.  But I learned that I could teach, that I could enjoy it, that I could deal with 10 rowdy sixth graders at one time, and most importantly, He pulled me back to Him!  And now, a year later, I am confident in this decision to home school!

And if you know me, you know this MUST be God.  Because this is something many of you knew I would never even consider!  But here I am, researching what curriculum to use and learning how to get involved in a co-op.  It's amazing what God is doing in my life and my heart.  And I think this will be a good year for our family.  And I don't know what will happen past this year.  Maybe we'll be in a better place financially a year from now and can choose to send them over to North County.  Maybe we won't, but we're just taking this one step at a time.

And there is one other lesson I think He is trying to teach me.  I think He is trying to teach me that I can't keep "not liking" people.  I think He wants me to be more tolerant of idiots... ;-)  I'll work on that...eventually...