Music That Moves Me - Week 4, "Old School"

Last night, I experienced some of the heaviest battle for my mind that I have ever known.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I was asked to search the Bible (my Sword) for verses that I could read and pray each day, to help guard my heart, keep me prepared for battle, and deal with some other issues I have.  I chose to find passages that spoke to anxiety as well, as this is a constant struggle for me.

And last night, after a grueling weekend with a flooded basement, recovering from a neck injury, finding out my aunt had died, and then getting another bit of news that shook me a little, I was in the middle of a full blown panic attack.  I had already taken my Xanax and muscle relaxer to help me sleep.  I knew that I needed to get to my Bible and was confident that it would help.

I was also acutely aware that the enemy was shooting arrows at me, at my mind.  Because the more I tried to read my Bible and pray the anxiety away, the more distracted I became.  And it wasn't a case where I was taking one situation and thinking 20 "what ifs" ahead.  A thought would pop into my head as I was reading my Bible, and then another and then another.  And some of them weren't even related.  Sometimes it was just a person's name.  Sometimes it was a specific situation, with no details attached.  I never stopped to dwell on the thoughts, because I knew that is exactly what Satan wanted me to do.  He was trying to distract me from finding the comfort and peace that only God could provide.

At church on Sunday, Tony preached about the enemy's arrows and how we need to be prepared to fight back. So, I knew that I was doing what I could to fight back.  And yet, I can't explain how overwhelming my anxiety was.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop my mind from racing.  I knew that it was going to be a long night if God didn't deliver his peace, and soon!  So, I read through my verses and then through a list of verses Tony had given us at church.  It was a struggle to stay focused and get through it, and I have no doubt as to WHO was distracting me.

Once I finished, I asked Kris to play Rich Mullins' "Peace to You", desperate for some peace.  Some relief from the tension and anxiety that was trying to swallow me.  When it was done, he asked if I wanted him to play it again.  I told him to play "Hold Me Jesus" instead.  So he did and I listened and I cried.  I wanted so desperately to FEEL Jesus holding me and was prepared, believing that I would not be able to easily fall asleep even with my medicine, to quote the chorus over and over again.  "Hold me Jesus, cause I'm shakin' like a leaf. You have been King of my glory.  Won't you be my Prince of Peace."  When the song ended, Kris asked if I was "OK".  I just shook my head no, while tears streamed down my face.  The anxiety was still there.  The thoughts, flying around at random in my mind, were still there.  He put his arms around me and then took the paper Tony had given us, which he had entitled "Fight Back Scriptures" or something to that effect.  Kris asked if he could pray them over me.  I agreed.

Even while he was praying and reading the verses, I could feel Satan still trying to distract me.  I tried even harder to concentrate on what Kris was saying and on God's word, being prayed over me.  And an interesting shift happened.  I felt myself starting to drift off to sleep.  I would jolt myself back awake, feeling slightly guilty for starting to doze.  The two times this happened (that I can remember anyway), I vividly remember hearing Kris asking God to get Satan away from me and to protect me from Satan's lies.  And then I would start listening again and get drowsy.  I remember Kris finishing, though I couldn't tell you now how the prayer ended.  I rolled over, feeling a little sleepy and don't remember any thoughts running through my head.

Kris, I think instinctively, moved next to me and held me there and within what was probably only minutes, I was asleep.  And come to think of it, I didn't wake up ONCE during the night before my alarm went off.  That is extremely unusual for me.  So God gave me true rest last night and peace while I slept.

This morning, as soon as we woke up, we heard the storm outside.  We immediately considered the possibility of more water in the basement, along with several things Kris had set outside to dry that were now soaked.  Kris was immediately frustrated and I was again already starting to feel anxious.  It was clear that now that I was awake, the enemy was going to try to dive in again and set me off course.

I was edgy with the kids and Kris, and once I recognized what was happening, I grabbed my Bible and took it with me. Kris had left his van at his mom's last night after dinner, so we rode together to drive the kids to school.  I got out the "fight back" paper and started to read over it, while Kris started to turn on the Bible app on his phone that would "read" the Bible to him.  I was irritated by this.  Here I was trying to read Scripture and pray, and Kris was trying to interrupt that by turning on the Bible!  How absurd that that should annoy me!  You see, even in this simple act of trying to listen to the Bible, or read it on my end, Satan was shooting arrows and dividing Kris and I.  I relented, which I don't usually do, because I decided that any Scripture is better than letting Satan win.  We listened to it and then took the kids in to school.

Because we hadn't seen each other in a while (it seems, since he had been working a lot and then the basement), we went to breakfast.  I told him that the song "Battle" by Chris August came to mind last night and I knew it was going to appear in the blog today, because it states precisely where we are at right now.  We're in the middle of a battle.  Kris and I listened to the song this morning and also talked about what had happened last night.  Kris thought it was interesting, not offensive, that I started to fall asleep while he was praying over me.  We talked more and instead of  me feeling guilty, he helped me to realize that me falling asleep is the effect his prayer needed to have.  I started out so anxious, just knowing I'd never fall asleep.  Satan kept attacking and attacking while we were trying to swing our swords at him.  And in the midst of it, God allowed me to rest last night, at a point when I didn't think rest would be possible.

I had already been planning to also include "Lead Me To Rest" by Acapella (old school to be sure!) in this post last week, and it just seems so fitting after the struggle to find rest last night and the triumph that God had over Satan and the fact that I slept through the night without waking up.

Another interesting note, and then I'll get to the songs; this is not the first time that Kris has had to help me battle Satan.  When my paper with my "sins" on it wouldn't burn on Good Friday, Kris had to step in and help me.  As my husband, and spiritual head of our house, I find this very intriguing. I tried to read and pray, and it wasn't enough.  But when he stepped in and took over, and fought with and for me, God's peace and rest washed over me.  How cool is that?!?

So, all that to lead me to today's songs that moved me this past week.



"Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart.  But the war is already won."  A great reminder!




"I'm supported when the devil would try me. Protected when the evil would harm me."  How true that has been!

Do you have your Sword out and ready to battle?  It's real and it 's dangerous.  And we must be prepared to fight in it!