Refreshed

Writing is cathartic.  I know that for some people, writing is something foreign, or scary, or unimaginable.  I don't think I could have survived these last 8 years without writing.  I first began blogging in March of 2004.  Kris and I had been married five years and it became my outlet.  My way of dealing with what was a very crazy, chaotic and sometimes downright horrible time in my life.  I had been married for almost five years.  My children were 3, 2, and 1.  Have you ever had children that were 3, 2, and 1?  I wouldn't recommend it.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE my kids.  With this desperation that is beyond my understanding.  HOWEVER...having that many children, that close together, almost guarantees a mental and emotional meltdown.  Or mistakes.  At the time that I started writing, I was very in tune with God and his leading in my life and was actively reading the Bible and writing about what I read.

Over that year, my blog began to change, along with my own change.  Little did I know that four months into blogging my life itself would change in a dramatic way and I would push God to the back burner and make choices that have forever changed my life and shaped me into the woman that I am today.  There are things that I have done, choices I made that threatened my heart, my marriage, my relationship with God, my family.  On July 23, 2004 I wrote the following:

"Life has just been passing me by.  I get through day to day, not really sure how.  But I make it through.  To say I've been unhappy lately would be an understatement.  I've always heard that years 5-7 really can take a toll on marriages...guess we are finding that out."


As I am looking back through my old posts, one thing in particular stands out to me.  MAN I WAS BORING!  And then I stumbled upon this post, to close out the year of 2004 (which was also the same year that Kaleb began to manifest some disturbing behaviors for a 3 year old):


"I'm so glad Christmas is over and that this year is almost over. It sure has been chaotic, to say the least. Last week was filled with enough drama and trouble than we've had in a long time. In one week, we had a miscarriage, I got laryngitis and Abbey broke her collarbone (this was Christmas eve too). It has to get better, right? I feel like I am just floating through waiting for the storms to pass. Will they? I'm not so sure I want to start a new year. New years come with new problems and I've had enough to last me for quite some time."

I was a mess back then, to say the least.  As you can see above, I had a miscarriage that Christmas, and then by the end of February, I was pregnant again (pregnancy #5 - our dear Olivia), my stomach bearing the bruises that come along with having a little unknown blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden, which requires 2 shots each day in the stomach, to prevent blood clots while pregnant.


I'm looking back over this and not really sure why I am sharing all of this.  Perhaps it's because I have a lot of "new" readers and some of you don't know much of what I am sharing here.  Also, I tend to just write what I am thinking, so apparently this is what I am thinking about at the moment. 


I think I started writing all of that to come back to this verse that came into my head this morning, as I thought through yesterday and the emails and how heavy my heart was last night.  Psalm 30:5 (NLT) "For his anger lasts only a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."  I definitely found that to be true this morning!