My other forever friend is Natalia, who keeps reminding me that I promised to put her in my blog!!! Natalia, this portion is for you! I love you! I love your carefree spirit. Your kind heart. Your love for your family. I love how you make me laugh and you bring out the "crazy" in me. Or at least, make me think about letting the crazy out and you make me go OUT when I just want to take my muscle relaxer and go to sleep. That night we went out was one of my favorite nights, so thank you! I'm SO glad I met you this summer, at that conference we went to for our night jobs, which are NOT as prostitutes, I'd like to keep emphasizing. I love having your support in my business and life and I think you're pretty awesome! Happy now? And all of that was straight from my heart!! Truly...I'm so glad we met.
And then...there are other people. I'm not going to get into the home school/public school debate again. But most of you remember all of that drama...
This time...it's about what makes you a good mother. What makes you BETTER than other mothers. There is an easy answer. NOTHING! Nothing makes one mother better than another. Sure...there are the crazies...the Susan Smiths who can't cope with their lives any longer, and their children suffer and die at their hands.
However...when we're talking about parenting in general, I think that it is completely unfair to look at yourself or your life situation and think that you have it harder than anyone else in the world. Simply based off of your spouse's job.
Let me back up. I reconnected recently with a friend on Facebook. It's what we do these days. I simply wanted to wish this person well, congratulate him on his beautiful wife and daughters. I gave him a brief update of Kris and the kids and made a general statement that marriage and raising children was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but has been very rewarding.
And suddenly, I'm staring down the barrel of a military wife's rifle. At first, I tried to keep my wits about me. I tried not to get indignant and to not take it personally. Because my dear friend Jennifer is a military wife, and would tell me if I was just overreacting without hesitation, I shared the dialogue with her and she agreed with me that the reaction I got was a little...unwarranted. Now, keep in mind that all I wanted to do was tell her husband hi and congratulations!
This is what I said:
"Marriage and raising kids is about the hardest thing(s) I've ever done...but I wouldn't trade it for anything, especially the kids! I'm glad you are doing well and thrilled to hear about your wife and your family! And you're in the military? Did I read that correctly?"
This is her response:
"The hardest thing I have ever done is giving up my husband for the country he loves. I sit home alone and raise two kids alone so he can save lives. Being a normal wife and mother is EASY I think. My kids go with out there dad a lot for holidays and birthdays and school plays. I think people who bitch about there life being hard should come walk a mile in my shoes u will see hard. This life is not an easy life or a life style for everyone."
It took me some time to formulate a response that was kind and not defensive. I responded with this:
" I know that I am NOT a woman who could be strong enough (or selfless enough, cause I'm extremely selfish) to be a military wife/mom. I admire those that can. Though I am not sure anyone is a "normal" wife/mom and we all face hardships that can seem devastating to us even if they don't appear to be to those who give their husbands up to serve this country."
And I was going to leave it there. I wasn't sure if she would respond or not, but I wanted to let her know that I completely respected what she has to endure and that there is no way I would be able to be a military wife - that's the one area where Jennifer and I differ. She's awesome at it. I would HATE it. I really am very selfish and I would struggle to raise our four children on my own, as several hours alone with the Little Bishops can terrify me sometimes! I know that when you are in a position where you are the only one, you do what you have to do, and so I would get through it. But I can tell you this...if I were a military wife, I certainly would NEVER, EVER imply to any other mother that I was BETTER than her or that my life was HARDER because I raised my kids alone and could at any moment lose my husband as he was off at war. Any of us could lose our husband and while dying for your country is an extremely honorable way to die, it is no less devastating to lose a spouse in another way.
So many thoughts spinning through my head - I'm trying to decide which one to express first. I think that the men (and women) who serve our country are amazing and words cannot express my gratitude to those who put their lives on the line to secure my freedom, and freedom for my family. Please understand that I have the utmost respect for those who serve in the military.
That being said, I also have a high respect for single moms, or single dads. Whether their spouses have chosen to leave them alone, or whether death has pulled them away from their families. The way that they have to juggle life and finances...in addition to dealing with that kind of loss...I cannot fathom it.
And then there are those parents who have lost a child. No parent should have to lose a child. EVER. Whether via miscarriage, never having the chance to meet their unborn child (like Kris and I experienced almost 7 years ago) or after the child has been born, due to cancer or other diseases/accidents. Shawn Huckaba, losing his wife and two youngest sons in a horrific car accident 6 years ago...HE has had a hard life. If you ask me, HIS life has been harder than a military mom any day...but you didn't ask me, so I'm just going to keep my opinion to myself!
Does the military wife and mother still "WIN" after those scenarios? Is her life still harder? I never once thought my life was harder than hers, or implied that it was. But Kris and I have had hardships in our life and our marriage and I know how very blessed I am that Livvy's health problems are so incredibly minor compared to what other parents have to endure. I JUST WANTED TO TELL AN OLD FRIEND HELLO!!
So, all that being said...
There were two other comments that were made AFTER my non-confrontational response. One from the wife and one from a friend of hers, also a military wife. They are as follows:
"Nothing is more Devastating then the unknown well being of your spouse at war. I don't wanna hear oh well blah blah about your "normal" shit i am telling u as some one who has been a "normal" mom/wife nothing is harder then being a military spouse. sure u have may have hardship but nothing like mine."
and...the friend...
"I totaly agree with you (*name has been removed out of respect*)! The toughest job is being a military wife and mother. WE are the ones who deal with EVERYTHING from the kids to the car. We can't always depend on our spouse like most people. When (*name change again*) was deployed, everything and anything went wrong...I had to deal with it! I couldn't call Iraq and say, "could you send my hubby home or can you put him on the phone?" WE ARE THE STRONGEST WOMEN/MOTHERS! I would like to see any normal spouse walk a mile in our shoes!"
I showed all of this to Kris and told him that looking back on the last 12 years of our marriage and some of the things we have gone through personally, as a couple and with our four children and losing a fifth baby, that I WOULD like to trade one of them places, if they want to see how easy my life is. You guys don't know the details of my marriage and the ins and outs of things that we have gone through and dealt with. I share some here...more to do with the kids...and some would say I share more than I should. But like with every relationship...it's that whole "If you only knew..."
I don't know. It made me want to cry. Being judged like that. Being told that I was "bitching" (sorry, her words, not mine) about how hard my life was and how much harder her life is because she is married to a man in the military. Why do people do that? Why are people like that? I just don't understand it. I keep talking to Kris about it (who very often is my filter, because let's face it-I need it sometimes!) and he just said "You didn't say anything that was out of line." And I said "I KNOW!" And if Kris thinks I was not inappropriate, you can pretty much know that I was not.
I really hope that I have not offended ANYONE who is in the military or married to someone in the military (or anyone else). I respect you. I truly do. But it is wrong for anyone to tell me that what I go through on a day to day basis is EASY compared to what they go through. No one knows exactly what my life is like. No one knows what people go through minute by minute. I just cannot imagine taking that attitude or having that mindset towards ANYONE. I don't think that my life is harder than those who live a military lifestyle. And I don't think it's easier either, because we all face our own demons and battles and struggles. Like my dear friend Jennifer (military wife and mother) said, "Their job of being a wife and mother is not more difficult than anyone else's, just different." She had some other comforting words too that I love her dearly for but will keep us both out of trouble by not sharing!
*sigh* - that's it...I just needed to get it out...
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