It's all so new

My thirteenth wedding anniversary is next Tuesday.  For the first time in YEARS, I am excited to celebrate it with a man I love beside me.  We've always celebrated our anniversary and it's always been a "big deal".  But this year is different.  This year, WE are different.

This year, our marriage is different.  In some ways, this is the first anniversary we are spending together as new creations.  Both being freed from addictions and sin and made into new people who love the Lord.

Kris and I spent a long time talking last night.  About life.  About temptation.  About where we are at with God and as a couple.

This anniversary is the first anniversary we will spend, completely transparent, and totally in love.  Not the honeymoon-we-don't-know-what-real-life-is-like in love either.  Real, Godly love.  I am my beloved's and he is mine.  THAT kind of love.

We keep trying to think of what we can do around home (that is inexpensive/free), because we're about as broke now as we were when we first got married.  But this year, while ideally we could travel to Hawaii or somewhere tropical, I'd be content to just spend every moment with Kris.  Even if we're just at home watching T.V.

I heard a song the other day that brought things full circle.  When we were leaving our wedding reception, to head to our honeymoon destination, this song was playing.  I don't love the video, but it was the Anne Murray version that we played at our wedding reception, and I wanted to share that one with you, so you get what you get...



This song still rings true for us.

"Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you honey!  Everything will bring a chain of love.  And in the morning when I rise, bring a tear of joy to my eyes and tell me everything is gonna be alright."

Kristopher,

We're gonna make it and I am thankful that you are still by my side.  I'm thankful for the second chance we have been given and for the love that we share.  I'm thankful that God has restored our marriage and given us another shot at love.  I'm grateful for the HOPE we both have and that the victory has already been won; that the enemy has been defeated.

I look forward to sharing the rest of my life with you and only you.  God has been so good to us.  Words can't even begin to describe it.  I told you once that I would always come home, no matter what happened.  I'm so glad that was true!  I'm home and I couldn't be happier.  THIS is home.  THIS is where we belong.

I love you.  

For a thousand years,

Jamie

Sick & tired of being sick and tired

I'm tired.

Tired of doctors.

Tired of procedures.

Tired of specialists referring me to completely different specialists.

Tired of living in constant, daily pain.

Tired of wanting answers, expecting answers, and being left with more questions instead.

Today was my second opinion with a neurosurgeon, to see if he thought surgery to remove the ruptured discs at C5-6 and C6-7 was necessary.

Here is the short version:

Because I don't have any neurological symptoms (numbness/tingling/weakness in my arms or legs-except my right elbow which is completely unrelated), surgery may not be my best option. There is only a small chance that surgery will actually alleviate my neck pain.  It is true that surgery will fix the "picture" (the ruptured discs showing on the MRI), but it very likely will not take away the pain in my neck that never ends.  It's a "coin toss".

So what are my options?

Well...the same things I've been doing for the last 3 years. Physical therapy. Massage therapy. Chiropractic care. Stretches.  All things that feel good while I'm doing them, but provide no lasting relief.

Or...

I can start seeing a pain management doctor.

I could elect to have the surgery to remove the discs and fuse the bones, and Dr. Forget  said he will do the surgery if I want him to.  But the odds of the surgery actually helping my pain are not good.  So, until I start showing neurological symptoms with the pain, surgery isn't ideal. 

I have an appointment with a pain management doctor on June 14th. The appointment isn't even to start a treatment plan. It's to meet the doctor and discuss my treatment options. And then...after that...maybe I can make another appointment and eventually I'll get some relief...

I'm tired.

And frustrated. 

And I'm too young to have  osteoarthritis/bone spurs/degenerative disc disease.

I'm not discounting God and his power or will in all of this. I'm just venting, and trying to process that after all of this, I'm still in pain and likely will continue to be. Maybe it's my lot in life. Maybe this is my "thorn in my side". I don't know. I just know, as my dad always used to say, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!"

Well, that was fun...

The results of my Myelogram/CT scan weren't exactly what I was expecting.

Did I think there was nerve damage along my spine?

Not really.

Did I think the test would somehow give clarity to the doctor on whether or not neck surgery would be necessary, to remove the pieces of the herniated discs?

Yeah, I thought so.

Did I think I would be able to narrow down what was wrong with me?

Yes.

Did that happen?

NO.

OK, first things first.

I cried during the entire Myelogram.  At first, it wasn't because it was overly painful.  The injection itself wasn't bad, nor was the numbing that preceded it.  I felt the pressure in my lower back that I expected to.

I first started crying on the way there.  And I am not even sure it was related to the procedure at all.  I believe it is a result of two things.  Being off of my anti-depressant AND all the build up in my mind over this procedure.

Then, I was OK once we got situated in the room.  They were timely and organized.  It was a pleasant experience and the nurses were very nice.

But after the dye was being injected, before I even started feeling uncomfortable from laying on my stomach, the tears just flowed.  I couldn't put words to it.  I think I just had so much emotion pent up over the entire thing, having two weeks to read and think about the procedure before it actually happened.  But then the pain set in.  I was on my stomach for over an hour.  My neck likely could have tolerated this.  But with my recent back "issue", I was hurting pretty bad.  And I did NOT get one of the radiologists that chooses to give their patients Valium AND Demerol.  All I got was Valium, which I didn't think really helped.  Repeating "It Is Well With My Soul" over and over again got me through the initial needle sticks and the procedure itself.

After the Myelogram, they took me back for the CT scan, which caused more pain because I kept having to roll on one side and hold it, then do the same on the other side.  But in just over an hour, I was back in my room, with a wonderful man waiting for me.  Kris had gone to grab a quick lunch during the procedure but was there when I returned, which made me happy.  He took my happiness one step farther by giving me this.

See how happy I am?

While the giraffe was great, because I love giraffes, I just thought it was really sweet that he came back with this.  I wasn't expecting anything, and it wasn't as if I had some major complicated surgery or anything (THEN I would expect SOMETHING).  I love that guy.  Kris first, then the giraffe.

So then the waiting began.  I had to remain lying down. If any of the dye leaks out of the small hole from the needle and into my spinal canal I will get a massive migraine.  So I have strict instructions to remain lying down (except to use the bathroom or eat) and drink plenty of fluids to avoid this migraine.  I intend to follow these instructions.

The spine specialist that ordered the procedure came in to see me around 5pm.  He showed me where the discs are herniated in my neck (though he called it bone spurs, and I think they all amount to the same thing).  They are on the left side.  BUT, I have problems with my right elbow and down into my right hand these days too.  So all this guy did was talk about my elbow.  He said he didn't think doing surgery right now was the best option, until we found out if I have a pinched nerve somewhere in the main nerve that runs through the right arm.  He said that there wasn't a ruptured disc in my lower back, from my most recent injury.  But ultimately, he kept talking about my #*!* elbow and how I should see a "upper extremity" specialist.  He wants me to have EEG and/or Nerve Conduction Test) done on my right elbow to see if there is a pinched nerve.

I had this test done three years ago.  At the time, there was nothing wrong.  These elbow symptoms are newer, within the last year.  So, the herniated discs in my neck aren't causing the pain in my elbow, which I never suspected to begin with.  So, let's just talk about your elbow.  Because that's really what hurts all the time and has for the last 4 years, right?  WRONG.  Kris and I were sitting there after the doctor left, baffled.

So, I go see a spine specialist, to hopefully FINALLY get somewhere with my neck & back pain, only to be told that now we need to really just focus on my elbow.  So, I went through all of that...the MRI that showed herniated discs, the Myelogram and CT scan, just to be given a semi-diagnosis on my ELBOW?  Are you kidding me???

Well, he said he'd have his office set of the EEG and we'd go from there.  I asked about my pain, in the meantime.  FORTUNATELY, he had already given the nurse a prescription for a pain medication that will hopefully offer me temporary relief for a while.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a highly recommended neurosurgeon here in St. Louis.  I already had this scheduled, so he could give me a second opinion on my MRI.  I am going in with NO expectations. This is one of those times when I am so utterly done with living in constant pain and getting the run around from a million different doctors that I'm ready to just throw my hands up and say MEDICATE ME!  If no one can diagnose or FIX the problem, just put me on pain meds.  If they don't work 20 years from now, so what?  At this rate, my body won't last the next 20 years anyway!

So, there's the update.  I'm hoping (but not EXPECTING) answers tomorrow when I see the new neurosurgeon.

Now, I must rest.

What would happen?

Have you ever been in a situation where you dreaded seeing someone?

I don't mean like a family reunion or some event.

I'm talking unexpected.  Running into someone, while you were out and about, going about your day.

I dread this.

All the time.

There are several people really that are on that radar for me.

And lately, I can't seem to shake the thought.  And when I think about it, the anxiety sets in and I can feel my chest tightening and I can't breathe.  I don't want to think about it.  It's unrealistic that I would run into these people I am so worried about running into.

And yet, I still feel the panic.

I have been thinking about this a lot, simply because it has been happening to me with greater frequency.  For the last week, I've been in this state of alert, whenever I go out anywhere.  A week ago, I *thought* I saw someone drive by.  Someone that I didn't want to see.  Someone that I don't want to "run into".  Ever.  And so now, even though I didn't actually see a face (only a car similar to one I dread seeing), I keep wondering "what if...".

I HATE WHAT IF.

And yet it plagues me.  I'm constantly plagued by it.  Since Good Friday, I have learned how to manage my "what ifs" a lot better.  In a healthier, safer manner.  And so, usually I just pray and ask God to give me peace and rebuke Satan, because surely He is trying to attack my mind by distracting me with these what ifs.  It happened again today and I just sat there, really frustrated.  I knew better than to just shut it down and push it aside.  Primarily because that isn't how I operate.  I'm not the kind of person who can shove something way down deep EASILY.  Sure, I can do it.  I did it for years.  But in scenarios like this, my mind doesn't seem capable. It certainly would be easier to handle life if I could do this whenever I wanted.  

So, I have allowed myself to think on it and because it is causing me quite a bit of anxiety, I'm writing about it.  For me, to keep it bottled up would cause an internal explosion that I don't think I could ever recover from.  In some ways, having lived my life on the verge of internal explosion for many years, I am shocked that when the internal became external, I survived.

But there is this little thing called consequence that sneaks back up from time to time.  A reminder of the person I used to be.  Not the guilt and the shame.  I WILL NOT go back to those chains.  EVER.  That's one of those scenarios where I pray "Lord, I believe.  Help me in my unbelief!"  

I believe that some of what I have been experiencing lately is simply collateral damage from mistakes I have made in my past.  There are people I don't want to see or confront (OR BE CONFRONTED BY) for good reason.  Just the thought of it causes me anxiety.  I have to pull out my "Anxiety Scriptures" and try to trust in God and be still before Him. Let Him take my anxiety, because He cares for me.  And I'll just go ahead and admit it.  I'm not very good at that!  I'm not good at letting God take my anxiety.  It isn't because I don't want him to.  Sometimes there is no how-to manual on God.  And how you are to "let go" of things.  How you are to "cast your anxiety on God".  What does that look like, practically?  There is no TANGIBLE way to do that.  Not that I am aware of anyway.

And so today, while I was at the park with the kids, I just kept watching the cars go by.  And thinking.  And praying that I wouldn't see *that* car.  I want so badly to just stop thinking about it. I don't want to think about it because I don't want to think about those people, or those situations I got myself into when I was living apart from God.  I don't want to have memories.  I don't want to think about the people that I hurt, or (I'm just now coming to realize) the people that hurt me.  

On the other side of it, I think it is very healthy for me to be conscious of those that I have hurt along the way.  Not to be burdened again by the guilt and shame that Satan wants me to feel.  But to be aware of and acknowledge their pain, and that I was one of the causes of that pain.  Sometimes I think God wants me to FEEL their pain.  Literally.  And so I can't wish away all of this.  Because I think that sometimes I need to feel what they are feeling, if for no other reason than to help them bear their burden.  Even if I am the one that caused the burden to begin with.  

I have wept and hurt deeply, not out of my own shame and guilt.  But I truly believe that God allowed me on two different occasions to feel the hurt and pain that I caused to someone else.  As if, maybe at those moments, their own pain was just too much.  Too overwhelming.  And the ONLY thing I could do (besides pray, obviously) was to bear some of that pain.  To feel what that person was feeling.

I really don't know where I am headed with this.  I think it is just one of those nights where I needed to get out what was churning inside, and this was it.  However scattered and unclear it may seem.

It doesn't help that I have now been off of my Wellbutrin (anti-depressant) for two days.  I have my Myelogram/CT scan on Tuesday, and I am not allowed to take the medication, or they will not do the procedure.  And I think that there is a part of me that is terrified of this procedure, even though I am thoroughly knowledgeable about it and know that it isn't really a big deal.  Well...technically, spending 8 hours at the hospital for a PROCEDURE is a big deal, if you ask me.  But, I know that the tests themselves aren't a dangerous thing.  That doesn't mean I'm not afraid though!  I asked the radiology department at St. Johns if I could be put out completely for the procedure.  Sadly, their answer was no.  They usually give Valium and sometimes a pain shot of some sort (Demerol I think), if the radiologist feels it is necessary.  The lady on the phone talked me back down from the ledge I was on and assured me that they would do whatever they could to make me "comfortable" before they stick a needle in my spine.  But I am still nervous.

And I have no clue how/if not taking my anti-depressant is/will affect me.  I can't take it for 48 hours after the procedure either!  So, it'll be next Friday morning before I can start taking it again.  I have a lot of fear for something that is supposedly so "minor".  Although, considering that the test will show nerve damage, which could very well determine whether or not I have neck surgery, it does slide up the "major" notch just a little.  Back and forth I go, between being afraid and anxious about things that are out of my control.

Again, I have no clue why I am writing all of this, except that it must need to get out of my mind and this is the outlet I have for that.  So...you're welcome.

Now, I have a turtle cheesecake to make.  Or rather, I have a husband-to-direct-on-how-to-make-this-cheesecake-in-the-hopes-that-it-turns-out-nothing-but-delicious for tomorrow's BBQ!

Music That Moves Me - Week 7

I haven't posted any music in like...2 days!  But the Dani Shay video doesn't count, as that was just a fun post, and not part of the Music That Moves Me series.  And the day before that was Alice Cooper, so it doesn't count either.

God's so cool sometimes.  Well, all the time.  But I love when He gives me little gifts.  Like, right at this very moment. Last week, at stories, we sang this song that I had never heard, by Mercyme.  I kept meaning to look it up, because the lyrics just really spoke to me, and it was a beautiful song.  As I was sitting here trying to remember part of the lyrics (I've had Pandora playing for all of five minutes), the very song I wanted to remember came on.  I consider that a gift from God.  A demonstration of "The Love of God", which happens to be the name of this song.  I'm sitting here with a grin on my face, so comforted and knowing that I am loved.  God gave that to me, at just the right moment.  Awesome huh?  So, that is the first song for the night.  And what I love so much about this song is the comparison to writing; because, as you may have noticed, I like to write.  And so this song just really spoke to me and I was screaming "Yes, yes yes!" on the inside as this song played last week.



I absolutely LOVE that song!!  And I love that God orchestrated it to play right when I was trying to think of what it was!

This next song...wow.  I can't put it into words.  You'll just have to listen to it.  It addresses all those questions we ask.  It speaks to those broken places in our heart.  Our doubts.  Our insecurities.  "Jesus, help me believe that I am someone worth dying for."  Don't we all want to believe that???



For so long, this is what my broken heart was crying out to understand:

"I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that Grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, oh what everybody's asking
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe
I'm not just some wandering soul, that you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe
Jesus help me believe that I am someone worth dying for.
You're worth it
You can't earn it
Yeah the Cross has proven
That you're sacred
And blameless
Your life has purpose!"

This next song speaks about hope. About starting a new day.  Hanging on, just a day or two longer, until the sun breaks through the clouds.



You see what happens when I don't post about music that move me for a while?  You get four songs.  This is the last one.  For this post anyway.  It's called "Be Still" by Storyside:B.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Seriously?

I'm not sure I can catch a break.

You know I'm *eagerly* awaitng a Myleogram/CT scan next Tuesday, to determine if there is any nerve damage from the two ruptured discs in my neck.

In the meantime, after my recent new hobby of gardening, I seem to have contracted poison oak/ivy. It started above my elbow and I managed to spread it to the other side of my arm and onto one of my legs.

As if that wasn't enough, Kaleb was up throwing up last night.  Being the great mother I am, I spent about ten minutes rubbing his back/stomach, which was causing him to double over in pain.  I felt awful, seeing him in so much pain.  We spent about an hour out in the living room, trying to keep him comfortable.

Here is where my mistake came in.  You know, if you read my complete physical history regarding my last MRI, the lowest disc in my back is bulging.  They didn't think it was bad enough to warrant discussion at the spine specialist, because they were more concerned with the herniated discs in my neck.

So, in an effort to comfort Kaleb, I sat on my ottoman, and then leaned over to rub his back, as he was laying on the floor.  My reward?

An internal disc derangement on that lowest disc in my back.  A tear.  Possibly a rupture.  Though I'm pretending that it is just something that will heal in a week.  I went to my chiropractor and he worked on my hips and lower back to loosen up the muscles but I feel like I've got the 9-months-along-pregnant waddle going on, even though I'm not pregnant.  Kris said earlier "Did you know you were kind of limping?"  You think?  My back is out of commission now.  Either because I have been holding my neck differently due to the pain, or I was the kind, nurturing mom that rubbed her son's back in the middle of the night, while waiting for him to throw up.

And I just think "Really?"  Enough is enough already!  I'm already barely functional as it is.

On the bright side, they opened up a new QuikTrip somewhat near to my house.  This is what all QuikTrips I have ever known have looked like:

This is my favorite gas station, that carries my favorite sugar-free, white peach tea.

And this?  This is what the "Super Walmart" of QuikTrip looks like that just opened today:

It's hard to tell from the picture, but this place is huge!  They had about 85 different types of fresh brewed tea and coffee.  About 43 flavors of slushies.  The regular fountain drinks.  Different food aisles all over the place.  Picnic tables outside.  And across from where you check out, there was a place where they would make you different types of cappuccino, ice cream & frozen yogurt with different candy mixed in, etc...

I'll admit it.  I went twice today.  :-)  The second time I went, I thought about getting in line for some ice cream, but the line was too long.  While I was getting my tea, I looked over to where the frozen ice cream section was.  And I saw a coupon for THIS:

These are normally about $3/each when you buy them in a pack of 3 at the grocery store ($9 total).  QT had them listed at $2.89 each.  And the coupon was for $1 off!  I was very pleased.  So of course, I got one!  It's probably a good thing that this particular location isn't the closest one to my house.  I will say that while Abbey told the guy at the register that they should call it QuikTrip heaven, the guy at the register told me he had a different name for it.  Apparently it has been quite the happening place on opening day!  He said "Yeah...heaven.  That's what we've been calling it all day..."  Obviously, he was being sarcastic!

I did it!

I made it through DAY ONE of summer break!!!

Rejoice with me people.  This is history in the making here.

And...my house is sort of clean!  Well, by anyone else's standards, I highly doubt clean would be a word attributed to my house.  BUT...knowing what it looked like yesterday and seeing how it is now, it passes.

We had a really productive day.  Everyone has "chores" now.  Daily tasks that have to get done before they can watch TV or play on any electronics.  I can't believe how well it went and how great the kids took to it.  Best of all...once I get my couch cleared off and the end table next to it, the house might actually stand a chance of not embarrassing me if anyone comes over!

You wouldn't believe how excited Kaleb is about having his OWN chore that he gets to do BY HIMSELF.  Seriously.  He wrote about it in his journal and then showed it to me.  His exact words were "I also have my own chores to myself now."  He even underlined those words.  And then he asked me when he could do his chores in the morning.

I told him that there was no way I wanted to hear him unloading the dishwasher at 6:30 in the morning!  Livvy also asked when she could start on her chores.  I had to tell these kids that they couldn't start their CHORES until at least 8am!  Whose kids are these????  I have set such a poor example and yet they are embracing this as if it is the most exciting thing ever.  But I am NOT about to complain.  I'll take it for as long as they'll give it!

We started season 2 of The Glee Project.  Many of you know that during season 1 of Glee, I was a huge fan.  Season 2 started and it went downhill fast.  The only reason I watch season 3 is to see those that won The Glee Project Season 1 and with the hope of hearing some decent music.  Half of the time I don't even get that and am constantly disappointed and frustrated that this show is promoting half of the controversy that it is. I was SO excited to see Dani Shay on season 2 of The Glee Project.  This girl captured my ear last year on America's Got Talent (or was it the year before?).  Not only was her first performace hilarious, she has a great voice!  In this video, she does a little rap at the end of this video that makes me smile.  I hope that Dani goes all the way to the end on The Glee Project.

Two days! Oh no!

The last two days I have sat down to blog and for one reason or another, nothing came to me.  So I didn't write.  But I am back today.  This is more of a "mom" post than anything else.

The kids are out of school for summer.  Officially.  As of 1pm today.  I can't help but think of that Alice Cooper song "School's Out."  Especially in light of home schooling.  "School's out for summer.  School's out FOREVER."



Forever.

That's a long time.

But I'm a different person now, and in a much better place.  Emotionally and spiritually anyway.  I can't say the same for my physical body, but if neck surgery is in my future this summer, maybe I will be better physically as well...eventually...

For the last four years, I spent all summer (and the rest of the year) working 40+ hours/week.  The last time I was home with my kids, all at the same time (over the summer) they were 2, 5, 6, and 7.  Can you imagine the level of crazy and chaos that was going on in my life at that time?  It was not a happy time in any of our lives.  You know..."if mamma ain't happy, no one's happy".  That was us back then.  So I am a little nervous.

But I am optimistic too.  The kids are older.  Going on 7, 10, 11 and 12.  Four years makes a HUGE difference!  Almost all of them are in double digits!  So while I am a little nervous about starting this new adventure, I'm excited also.  I plan to actually have fun with my kids and make this summer memorable!  I found "100 things to do with your kids this summer" on Pinterest and I plan to do several of those things, take pictures, write about it, etc...

I also plan to put the little servants to work on cleaning, laundry, etc...

Will there be rough days?  I am sure.  I already had to talk with Kaleb before we even got out of the van about his attitude.  But overall, I think this will be fun.  And, best of all, Kris is the only one who has to get up and leave in the morning.  Ha ha ha!  Poor Kris!  The rest of us get to get up whenever we want.  Which means Kaleb and Abbey will still get up at 6:30, and likely Kat and Livvy will sleep until at least 8.  Me?  I'm hoping they'll let me sleep until 9, but we'll see.

God has been so good to me and I know that He will carry me through this huge change in my life. And, having them home this summer and developing some sort of schedule will really prepare us for the adventure of home school in the fall.

But today?  Today we have no plans.  We are just "winging" it.  Resting, gearing up for the rest of the week.  Maybe hit up the library and get some groceries since we essentially have no food in the house and now that the not-so-Little Bishops will be home during the day, we might need food...

Abbey just shared a little chant she and a friend wrote at school today, and I thought I should share it with you.  She cracks me up and I hope her passion and love for Jesus never changes:

Jesus is our Lord, our God.
Jesus is, is not odd.
Come and join his nation.
Then go to heaven for vacation.
Don't let Satan lead you in temptation.

It wasn't always bad

I've talked about running from God and living for myself these last seven years.  I realized today that even during that time, I had phases I would go through, where I was trying.  Where I was praying and hoping and believing that things could change.  I came across a "virtual" prayer journal I had kept between November 2005 through June 2006.  For 8 months I prayed, almost every day, that God would change something in our marriage.  Something that Kris struggled with.  We had come through a very ugly time at the end of 2004 and we were trying to make our marriage work.  And a good friend at the time told me that I needed to be praying for Kris and I needed to "have his back".  So I took that to heart.  And I spent the next 8 months praying for victory over this area of his life.  I can pinpoint the shift and when I essentially gave up on God answering my prayers in that specific area.  Because I quit journaling.  I quit praying.  And I think that was the moment that I quit believing that God would ever take away that struggle.  So I quit trying.  In every way possible.  I finally gave up hope that anything would change.  I don't know how long I waited before I ran back to what felt safe and familiar, even though it was a sin for me.  But I think I spent at least a year (possibly a year and a half) trying to be "good".  And at the end of June, when I stopped praying, I must have stopped trying to be "good".  Because after that, the next four years were a blur and everything just slowly spiraled out of control.

It was really interesting today though, to look back through all those prayers I prayed for Kris.  I actually put them all into an email and sent them to him.  To be honest, I don't remember all those prayers.  I remember praying for him during the first five years of our marriage, but not AFTER.  Not after what happened 7 years ago.  It was somewhat refreshing to see that during the last 7 years, there was a time where I tried.  Where I prayed fervently that God would heal what was broken.  I think by the end of June 2006, my heart began to harden.  I gave up.  And that is when I went my own way.  So it wasn't the ENTIRE last 7 years that I spent running from God.  I tend to lump it all together, because it seems like things just haven't been quite right for the last 7 years.  But there was a good year or so in there that I did have hope and I did pray and connect with God.

What I just found so interesting was the shift.  That I could look back on my prayers and the specific things I was praying for.  And after at least 8 months, God hadn't answered my prayers.  He didn't fix what was broken.  He didn't heal.  And so I turned my back and walked away.  God wasn't listening to me.  At least, that is what I must have been thinking and feeling.

I hate that God used something horrific, in my mind, and yet pretty common these days (from the end of 2006 until the beginning of 2012) to finally answer my prayers.  I wonder sometimes why He didn't answer my prayers before things got so out of control.  Why did he wait?  Why did we go through the pain that we did in order to find freedom?  Was this really the way it had to be?  Did I have to get so lost and so far from him, and Kris so embedded in his own issues for us to finally break free from the hold that sin had in our lives?  It makes no sense.  But, I am the kind of person that doesn't need it to make sense.  I don't need those questions answered.  I just know that we are where we are today, and even though it doesn't make sense and we shouldn't have had to endure what we did, we are better off for it.  The relationship that Kris and I have been experiencing for exactly three months today is the best we have ever experienced in our almost thirteen years of marriage.

Three months ago today, I came home.  For good.  Kris and I became different people.  Completely.  We were freed from pain and addiction and the vicious cycle of hurting one another.  While it would take me another month and a half to finally understand the Cross in a very real and profound manner, Kris and I started over three months ago.  And I don't think our lives will ever be the same.  I hope they are never the same.  I hope that this is just the beginning.  That we are on a new, wonderful journey of faith and healing and redemption.  A journey that God will use to minister to other hurting people and other broken marriages.

Kiononia

When I sat down this afternoon to write, I had absolutely nothing to say.  I learned a long time ago that if that happens, I don't need to write.  I don't need to force it.  So I chose to step away, and decided that if I had something to say later tonight, I would just wait until then.  I have this weird, obsessive issue where I feel like I need to write every day.  For myself.  Not to enlighten anyone on anything.  Not to impart knowledge, which I don't pretend to have.  When I write, I just write.  About life.  About what's going on in my heart.  What's going on with the kids.  So when I stepped away today, I felt a little anxiety, wondering if I would have anything to say tonight.

Well, guess what!?!  I do have something to say.  And I don't even know what it is really.  This is what happens when I sit down to write.  I have all these thoughts in my head, and I just write.  And usually have no idea what I have really written until I am (sometimes when I'm not too tired) doing a quick grammar check before I click that little orange "publish" button.

So tonight's topic is intended to be Koinonia.  We'll see if it stays on that track or goes elsewhere.

What is koinonia?

First, it's a Greek word.  My husband would be so proud of me digging into Greek right now.  I learned about this word back in high school youth group.  I've never forgotten it.  It means communion by intimate participation.  It can be used to describe how the early Christian church interacted with one another, or participating in communion together.  Essentially, it is fellowship.  With other people of the same faith and common interests.

As some of you know, Kris and I are involved in a group called "Stories".  It may as well be defined as "Kiononia".  That's what we do.  Beyond that, we're real.  About our lives.  About our hurts and our struggles. About our stories.  We are a community of people that care about each other and want to stand next to one another, providing a source of comfort and strength.  Kris and I have been to just two of these meetings and have been blessed tremendously.  Tonight, our second night, was no exception.

We read and talked about an article written by a soldier.  His journey from the trauma of the Vietnam War to transformation.  It was really great article and the author talked about how, when he returned from the war, there was nowhere to go, no one to talk to, about his horrific experiences.  He said this, which seemed to really embody what we do at Stories:

"My healing from the trauma of war began in the early 1970s...PTSD was not even fully recognized or understood at that time.  The cluster of symptoms was often mistakenly diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenia, depression, or some other form of mental illness, and then treated primarily with psychotropic medications.  However, during those early years in many parts of the country, something began to happen. Often motivated by the mistreatment and rejection of society, small groups of veterans began to come together to meet, talk, and listen to one another.  As we came together, we began to discover something...to experience something--we learned about the power of relationship.  We shared our stories, started trusting one another, let down our walls, unpacked the images of what we had seen and become...and through this process of listening, comforting and crying with one another, we finally began to value something again...each other.  In these small groups, the seeds of change came alive." -Sgt. Gary Beikirch

This is what we do at Stories.  We share our stories, in a safe environment, trusting each other.  Sometimes crying together and comforting one another.  It's all about community.  Kiononia.  Something made clear tonight was that you cannot recover alone!

Tony said that "every person has their personal Vietnam; their personal Katrina."  And it's true.  Our story, whatever it may be, is what impacts us profoundly.  We have to make peace with our stories.  Sgt. Gary Beikirch said "...war and I are learning how to live with one another."  We have to learn how to live with our stories.  To make peace with our stories.  To admit the hurt, the anger, the horror of our stories.  Then we have to accept God's grace and forgiveness, and learn how to live with our stories.  To admit that we are broken, forgiven people, loved by a God who never stops pursuing us, and that our stories will always be a part of who we are.

When talking about his experiences in Vietnam, Sgt. Gary Beikirch said "Those experiences became a significant part of my self-image...a piece I wrestled to accept, I could not understand, and I would not forgive or forget.  The best I could do was hide this part of me--from myself...from others--afraid that if people knew me, really knew me, they would be unable or unwilling to understand or accept me.  The hurt would be too much to bear and I was tired of living with the pain.  Therefore, the 'invisible' walls became my defense mechanism and my disguise."

That was me.  For the last seven years.  Hiding that horrible, ugly part of myself that I hated.  That I couldn't forgive.  That I didn't think God could forgive.  In essence, as Tony put it, "God, you want me to be honest with myself."  And once I was honest with myself and was able to face my fears and failures (thanks to some great counseling and a very patient God!), I was able to finally let myself see that part of me I wanted to keep hidden.  And once "she" was in the light, I could face her and move forward.

When I left home in February to think, to decide if I wanted to stay married, I felt the way that Sgt. Gary Beikirch felt, with my own personal war.  "My anchor, my beliefs, everything I needed to survive the chaos of war came crashing down around me.  Once they were destroyed, there was no meaning to the conflict.  It had no significance."

When I chose to go home, I didn't know what I was going home to.  I didn't know if Kris and I would wind up in the same cycle we'd been in for twelve years.  I still wasn't on good terms with God so He didn't even factor in.  I could really relate to Sgt. Gary Beikirch saying "I did return home, but not as I had left.  I came back valuing nothing."

You see...even though I physically left home 3 months ago, emotionally I left home a LONG time ago.  And when I came home, I valued nothing.  I had no idea what would happen next or if my marriage would last.  I just knew I didn't want to be alone.  Kris and I started counseling, I confronted my hidden self, and am finally able to understand this:

"Being able to accept who I am is a step in the right direction.  Being able to hurt, cry, and laugh helps cleanse the soul and the spirit.  And being able to acknowledge that my life has value to me and others is an indication that the journey is worthwhile...I believe God-breathed TRANSFORMATION is the key factor that makes the real difference."  Sgt. Gary Beikirch

There is so much more I could say about tonight and Sgt. Beikirch's story and how his testimony impacted my life.  So much more I could say about this wonderful family we have found at The Outpost, but it feels right to just end it here for now.

Mawwiage...

Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today...

Marriage is on my heart tonight.  It's HEAVY on my heart.

So many of my friends are experiencing "issues" in their marriages.  It breaks my heart.  You know that song I posted about earlier, "Jesus, Friend of Sinners"?  There is a line in there that says "break my heart for what breaks yours."  And broken marriages are breaking my heart.  I think they break Jesus' heart too.

I know that every situation is different.  I know that every marriage can't survive what Kris and I have survived and that there are always other factors that will make it difficult to STAY married.  Getting out seems like such the easy answer.  I never thought I would want to get out of my marriage.  Until 3 months ago.  3 months ago, I seriously thought "Can I do this alone, or should I try one more time to fix what is broken?"

And really, I don't think it is the failing/suffering marriages that break my heart so much as the people hurting and broken in those marriages.  Marriages where not all are believers.  Marriages where there is abuse in one form or another. Marriages where there is no spark, no connection.  Marriages filled with addictions.  Marriages filled with lies and adultery.  So, I know it's easy to say "STAY MARRIED".  "Fight for what you started."  "Start over.  With the same person."  It's so easy to say that.  But not every marriage can be so easily fixed.  It's not always that simple.

I think that in so many ways God poured out a tremendous amount of grace and mercy on Kris and I, and gave us the ability to reconcile and begin to rebuild our crumbling marriage quickly.  We both decided we wanted to fight.  We chose to embrace this:

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do


Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing of us
But demand we give our all


Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for.




My heart hurts for my friends.  For those who want so desperately to make their marriages work but have partners who don't want to try, or those who just feel like it just isn't working anymore.  Staying together.  Getting divorced.  Neither option is easy.  I see my friends around me, getting divorced, and it is never as simple as they thought it would be.  It's ugly.  It's painful.  It's not easy.  They *might* end up happier in the end.  Their kids *might* be better off than they would be left in a harmful environment.  So I am not judging anyone who is divorced, getting divorced, or thinking about getting divorced.  I'm just observing that my friends who have gone through that have told me how incredibly hard and painful it is on EVERYONE.

I have seen firsthand in my own marriage how hard it is to stay when all you want to do is run.  To try to work it out.  For 12 years Kris and I tried to "work it out".  Unbeknownst to us, we just weren't doing the right work.  We were trying to do it our way.  Kris was trying to do what he thought would work.  I was trying to do what I thought would work.  And then, eventually, we quit trying altogether.  We just began to coexist, which also is a very unstable environment to put your kids in.

So when I left 3 months ago to "think", to get some perspective on my life and what I wanted for myself and for my children, I realized that something had to change.  What we were doing, Kris and I, this horrible cycle of hurt and pain we were causing one another, was damaging our children. Staying together "for the kids" isn't always what will provide stability and protection for your children.  At the same time, any separation or divorce will affect your children in profound ways.  While ultimately they may reach that place of stability and safety, it'll take a lot of work to get them there, and in some cases, counseling.  Kids just can't understand the horrors of adulthood and the tough decisions we have to make.

And while Kris was always the one to commit to working it out, I was at a place where I seriously considered whether it would be better for the kids and for me if we got out of the vicious, unhealthy cycle we had been living in for over a decade.  Ultimately, God didn't let me make that decision.  Well, He did.  We always have a choice.  But He orchestrated things in such a way that when I was ready to say "OK.  I'm going to try to go it alone.", something happened in Kris' heart. Something changed, and he began to woo me.  It is amazing to me how little he had to say and do to pull my heart back to him.  But for the first time in our married life, he was expressing his heart to me.  He was being open and vulnerable and showing me his heart for me and for our marriage.  And God was softening my heart as well, or I never would have been receptive to Kris' emails.  I wouldn't have seen them for what they were.  And I am so thankful that God brought Kris and I both to that place at the same time.  That place where we decided, not as a united front but individually, that we would fight for our marriage.

And while the last three months have been amazing, they haven't been easy. We have a lot of hurt and healing to do still.  There are things in our pasts that have to be addressed and confronted.  This reminds me of a song.  Shocking, isn't it?  "So let it fall down.  There's freedom waiting in the sound, when you let your walls fall to the ground.  We're here now.  This is where the healing begins.  This is where the healing starts.  When you come where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.  The light meets the dark."



I think that Kris and I still have a long way to go to be as healthy as we can be, but I am so thankful that we have a bit of a head start that some people aren't as fortunate to have.  God is working in both of us, especially me since Good Friday.  And we are fighting for our marriage.  For so long, Satan had a hold on us, on our marriage.  Once we identified that, it was easier to see where we wanted to be, and WHO we wanted to be in control of our marriage.  And it wasn't us. Because we had proved we were horrible at it.  And we certainly didn't want it to be Satan.  So we chose to give our broken, hurting marriage over to the only one who truly heals.  And this is where the healing begins.

My heart isn't as heavy as when I first began writing it.  Perhaps it is the medicine to help me sleep.  More likely, it is the therapeutic writing process, and I'm sure very much God.  I still hurt for my friends and want them all to experience what Kris and I have been so blessed to experience.  And maybe it's too late for some.  Maybe it's too hard, or too harmful for you or your children.  If that is the case, then my prayer is for you and your spouse and just that God would intervene, like he did with Kris and I.  That he would do a miracle for you.  Because the way that we are living now is SO MUCH BETTER than it has been in our entire 12+ years of marriage, and I am finally looking forward to seeing what God is going to do with us and our story.  And I am thankful that the children weren't dragged through the muddy waters of a divorce.  So, I don't know where you are at.  Well, some of you, I know your stories.  I know your struggles and that it isn't easy to stay married and your best option may be to "get out".  I'll support anyone I love in the decision they choose, but I won't stop praying that God will work a miracle in your life and marriage like he did for me.  Because if he can take my stony, stubborn heart and replace it with a tender, responsive heart, I know that he can do wonders in your lives as well.

I'm going to leave you with just one thing, sort of off this topic of "mawwiage".  I've recently been introduced to a wonderful woman named Jill.  I loved her from the word Xanax.  We shared a common bond.  Xanax, yet, but more than that, we are kindred spirits I think.  She is currently blogging about her own journey back to God, and you can check that out here.  I got to meet her face to face today, and she gave me some jewelry pieces.  Several were charms, specifically with handcuffs linked, that say freedom on them.

On a whim, earlier today, I purchased some ribbon shaped charms, with the intent of making some "pink" bracelets with the hope ribbon charm, for cancer awareness.  But when Jill gave me the handcuff pieces, I immediately envisioned putting the two together.  The handcuffs remind me that "My chains are gone, I've been set free.  My God, my Savior has ransomed me."  The hope charms remind me that I finally have hope again.  One is to symbolize hope in God-that restored relationship with him and the hope I have that he can free me from sin and guilt and shame.  The other is a reminder that I finally have hope in my marriage.  Hope that we can make it.  That we can do the work and reap the blessings and rewards.  Here is how it turned out:

I did what???

Went on a field trip.  Yes I did.  With small children.  Well, smallish.  They were 5th graders.  Some of you may be thinking "Oh I ALWAYS go on field trips with my kids and their classes."  Well, you are not me.  I DO NOT go on field trips.  The whole I don't like other people's kids thing, which is becoming less of a thing for me these days.  I still have my limits.  I have no desire at all to go on a field trip with ANY child under the age of 9.  Unless I am homeschooling and the only 6 year old I have is my own.  But yes, I went on my first ever field trip as an adult.  I usually avoid them at all costs.  Because I don't like walking, bad weather, other people's kids, and pretty much any other excuse to keep me from going.

But Katherine practically begged me to go and the teacher needed drivers, and I happened to be free. So I went.  And you know what?  Not only was it not as bad as I feared (though I admit I did take my Xanax with me), I actually learned something and enjoyed it.  Now all the other kids are like "What about us?" and "You never go on field trips with us."  Suck it up kiddos.  I never go on ANY field trips and we will have plenty next year.

We first learned about Elijah Lovejoy and saw the statue/monument erected in his honor in Alton, IL.  Pretty cool guy.  Fought against slavery, and got killed for writing about it.  Here are just a couple of pictures.  I didn't get one with just Kat, and I don't think it'd be right to post one of her whole class, without the permission of all the parents.  Here is what I did get though.

There are three things I love about this "sign".  The first is what it says above his name.

"Considered by many to be the first casualty of the Civil War, abolitionist editor and Presbyterian minister Rev. Elijah P. Lovejoy was killed defending the freedom of the press."  I just found it interesting that he was considered to be the first casualty of the Civil War.  Ever since we took the kids to Gettysburg a few years back, I've been fascinated by history and especially that surrounding the Civil War.

Next, is a quote from Lovejoy himself, which for some reason, reminds me of our church, The Outpost, and it's name/meaning.  And also, in general, the way we should approach these battles that we get into between good and evil, God vs. Satan.  Lovejoy said this:

"I can die at my post but I cannot desert it."

And lastly, Abraham Lincoln himself said this about him:

"Lovejoy's tragic death for freedom in every sense marked his sad ending as the most important single event that ever happened in the new world."

After seeing the monument, we went over to learn about Robert Wadlow.  Kat has been telling me he was this really tall guy.  Tallest man in the world.  I didn't realize he lived in Alton, IL.  Just 25 minutes from where I live now.  We watched at 25 minute video about his life, which was really interesting.  And then we got to see part of the museum that is dedicated to him and has replicas of his height, as well as personal belongings, such as his size 37AA shoes and a ring made to fit him, that a half dollar would fit inside.  His graduation gown and cap used FOURTEEN YARDS of fabric!  If you know anything about fabric, you know that 14 yards is a LOT of material!  Here are some of the pictures I got.

The guy was still growing at age 22!  If he hadn't died of an infection in one of his feet at that young age, who knows how tall he would have gotten!

Understand, Katherine is almost 12.  This is a "replica" of the height Robert had reached at age 13!!!  Can you imagine?

A replica of his head.  Looks huge compared to Katherine's.

Sadly, compared to mine, my face is obviously fatter but lengthwise, his head is almost half as big!

It's hard to tell by the picture alone, without seeing the actual replica, but his hand was HUGE!!!!

His height before he died.  Katherine is shorter than the top of the man's cane!

A bronze replica of a chair made for him, to fit his very large size.

It's hard to see from here but I am holding his humongous hand (which now seems a little creepy), while Kat has wrapped herself around his cane.

So there you have.  My first field trip.  And it wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be.  It was actually fascinating to learn what I learned and how much history there is in Alton, IL.

Music That Moves Me - Week 6

Before I get to the music, Satan is still battling for my family.  Kaleb was just in here, crying and very upset.  Something about how kids at school talk about seeing angels and demons and he was really afraid that he would see a demon.  So we talked to him for a bit, then I showed him my verses that I read when I'm feeling afraid or anxious, and then we prayed them over him.  It seemed to have calmed him down and he is back in bed now.  Hey Satan, you idiot!  Get out of my house!!!

I kept hearing two specific songs this past week and thought I'd share them, since they seem to be dominating what I hear lately.

The first is The Hurt and The Healer by MercyMe.  Profound lyrics.





The second, I just really, really love.  We are ALL sinners. None of us are worthy of God's love and what Christ did on that Cross.  But he died for us anyway.  And no matter where you are at, Jesus is your friend.  Reminds me of Livvy walking around singing simply tonight "I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God.  He calls me friend."  If my six year old can understand that Jesus calls her friend, so can you!

Stupid Spine...

I'm going to whine for a moment.  Not whine so much.  I'm just...feeling...a little frustrated.  With my 33 year old self that has the body of a 75 year old.  It is ridiculous how little I can do without pain.  Bending of any kind, to load the dishwasher, change laundry, pick something up...all of those things hurt my back.  We all know I've had neck issues going on four years now.  I have lived with daily pain for almost four years and it wears you down after a while.  Today is a bad day.  I woke up with my neck and shoulders just aching.  It was just three weeks ago that I was in the ER because the pain in my neck was so bad and I couldn't move my head.  So now, after seeing a spine specialist and having an MRI done on my entire spine I found out a few things.

#1.  I have some minor bulges in the thoracic area (middle) of my spine, but they are nothing too bad and not causing much pain.  So minor I guess that I don't have any info on where the bulges are.

#2.  I have a bulging disc at the very lowest disc in my lower back (lumbar), which is very likely causing the pain when I bend to do pretty much anything.  Again, it is minor and nothing to be done.  There is a possibility of talking with the spine specialist about an epidural injection there, so that I can function without pain, but essentially, I have to take preventative measures (whatever those may be) to ensure that that disc doesn't herniate/rupture.

#3.  I have mild bulges in my cervical spine between discs 3-4 and discs 4-5.

#4.  Discs C5-6 and C6-7, both found as bulging on my MRI 3 years ago have now herniated/ruptured.  They are compressing on/around my spine and one of them (C6-7) has caused significant pressure on my spine.  And so, of the two things I feared (either they'd tell me nothing was wrong or they'd say surgery), the doctor says the dreaded word "surgery".

My entire spine screams of degenerative disc disease, which is basically arthritis.  And for the most part, un-treatable, if I understand it correctly.  Unless, of course, the discs rupture, and then they can do surgery.  But they do surgery and then fuse the bones together.  Thus, giving you limited mobility.  When I brought this point up to Kris, he had a good counter.  He said, "Well, it's not like you don't already have limited mobility in your neck."  Good point Kristopher.  Good point.

And IF surgery would guarantee that the daily pain I experience at varying degrees dissipates, then to me, it seems worth it.  But it can't guarantee that.  I could be left feeling worse than before the surgery.

The spine specialist recommended I have a neurosurgeon take a look at my MRI results and get a "second opinion".  If he agrees that surgery is my best option, then that is what he recommends.  I am currently waiting be scheduled for a Myelogram CT, which will show if there is any nerve damage I guess.  It is apparently something that has to be done before they can even do the surgery.

Now I'm not rushing into surgery as an option.  I'm going to talk to my chiropractor, who (upon telling him I was having an MRI done of my spine) said "Well, that'll be a waste of time."  I don't think it was a waste of time.  No one has ever diagnosed me with anything except stress and told me I need to relax.  Now, I'm looking at finally being diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and I at least feel better for knowing that I'm not crazy.  That there is definitely something wrong with my neck and back.  If there is something that can make the pain go away, that's what I want!  I'm so tired of living in constant pain.  I'm sure my family is tired of bearing the brunt of my crankiness due to being in constant pain.

I don't know much at this point about the surgery.  I heard words like "outpatient" and "pain for a few days" and "you can drive after a week".  He made it sound like it wasn't that big of a deal, but then again, so did the guy that did my knee surgery and I wish I could punch him in the throat.  8-12 weeks and you'll be all better.  Right!  A YEAR later and I can finally function with some normality with my right knee.

But because I have gone through so many different types of treatment (physical therapy, cortisone injections, chiropractic care) and none of them have helped alleviate the pain, and now the discs have ruptured, it is looking like surgery will end up being in my near future.

And THAT is what scares me.  Some people have had good results from having neck surgery for this type of thing.  Others have not.  My uncle on my husband's side told me today "do not let them fuse the bones".  I understand what happens in this surgery.  They remove the fluid and pieces of the disc or whatever is in there around the spine, causing the pressure.  Then they fuse the bones together.  You no longer have the "shock absorber" that used to be there, giving you the mobility you need.  But, as Kris pointed out, with the amount of pain I am in, my mobility is already significantly decreased.  So, will it really be WORSE than what I have now?  Having limited mobility WITHOUT pain seems better than limited mobility WITH pain.

I'm just scared.  And it's just my instant reaction.  I know that as time goes by and I get more opinions and talk to my mom about her neck/back surgeries that I will feel better.  And really, I am not feeling anxious about it, which for me is a good sign.  But there is still that fear there.  IF I were to go through with surgery and it doesn't make me feel better...then I've gone through all of that for nothing. But...what if it does help?  What if it does alleviate the pain that I have had daily for over three years?

I'm not making any decisions at this point.  I will let them schedule the CT scan and go through that, and follow up with the neurosurgeon for a second opinion.  I will talk to my chiropractor and get his opinion, even if I choose to ignore it.  While I think he is good, I do not think that everything can be fixed with chiropractic care.  He has helped me on some of my bad days, but when the pain is really bad, even he can't make it better.  I'll also talk to my mom and pray about the surgery itself and ultimately, make an informed decision.

This post was really just so I could get out what is going on in my head and try to give myself some clarity on the situation.  Do I want to have neck surgery.  Absolutely not.  But if it will make me feel better overall, I will consider it.  At least I don't have to make any decisions right now.

I did a little research on cervical stenosis (which is what my spine specialist said was going on in my neck) and/or cervical myelopathy, and read that the pressure on my spinal cord will not go away without surgery and that the symptoms will only get worse as time goes on.  Because I have not improved over three years of non-operative care, I may be looking at a situation where surgery is my only option.  I will tell you that when I met with a neurosurgeon three years ago he said that surgery was not necessary at that point in time.  Because the discs were just bulging.  But now that they have herniated, I believe I will get a different answer.

Anyway...that's where I am at right now with my stupid spine.

A Poem

I've always said that all poetry is about death in some way or another.  And I'll admit.  This poem I am about to share had me struggling slightly to find how it is about death.  But I'm sure I can make something up to justify my belief.  I heard this poem at a movie night a couple of weeks ago and it seemed to really just fit right in with my life and where I am at.  It was refreshing and comforting for me.  Maybe it will be to one of you too.

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb.
You're just what He wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!
by Russell Kelfer

And how does it relate to death?  It actually does.  For me.  That whole death-to-myself thing I am experiencing.  That trauma I had, that life of sin I lived for way too many years, was a death.  Jesus took that on the Cross and died to set me free.  So, this just goes to prove that all of my insistence that poetry is about death is indeed true.  ;-)

Today, I shall preach (not really)...

I'm just going to "borrow" some things from the sermon I heard today, which I will get to in a moment.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I had a pretty good day today.  The kids weren't as well behaved as I would have liked, considering it was Mother's Day and all; and they SHOULD have been on their best behavior so as not to annoy me...

While at my mother-in-law's tonight, Abbey made me a card.  She had drawn pictures of some of my favorite things.  One of the things on there (aside from Red Hots and my laptop) was a picture and underneath it she wrote "phone/iphone".  It was a cute card and I said "You better not let Daddy see that you put that on here.  You know how he feels about iPhones."  He hates all things Apple, as I have mentioned before.  So he made Abbey show him the card and he said "Why did you put all these things that Mommy hates on a card for her?  Her laptop?  Red Hots?  The iPhone?"

We're all chuckling and then Katherine said "When I get older I'm going to get an iPhone."  She was laughing and I said "What?  Just to spite us?"

Then I got to thinking about it more.  So I told her "Katherine, if that is the WORST thing you do, then THANK GOD!"  More laughter ensued, because I'm so funny, of course.  Then Kris was saying "Well...I don't know if that would be the worst thing or not."  So I continue with "Yeah, Katherine...go ahead and come home pregnant.  That would be preferable than you having an iPhone."  More laughter all around.  I'm sure it was one of those "you had to be there" moments.

The sermon this morning was probably the best Mother's Day sermon I have ever heard.  You know, we have probably all, at some point or another, heard a "themed" sermon, tailored to suit a certain holiday and sometimes they are just on the surface.  And while they are "nice", they don't really seem to encourage us to really embrace what we (in this case, as mothers) need to be doing.  This morning was different.  And I just wanted to share with you the five main points of Tony's sermon this morning.  It totally convicted me and God spoke to me through Tony's words.  And I hope that someday my kids can look back and say that I contributed to their own spiritual growth.

The sermon was about "Mom Power".  Here are the main points, and all are things I want to strive for as a mother.

1.  Mom has power to teach her children what it means to have real faith in God.

This point spoke right to where I am at.  My children have literally seen me transform in these last three months.  They have watched this journey that I am on and can see real change in me and in my faith and I think it is so cool to understand that I am, thanks to God's intervention, am SHOWING my kids what faith in God looks like.

2.  Mom has power to disciple her children.

I found this point interesting, simply because of our decision to try our hand at home schooling.  It seemed like more affirmation.  As Bible would be a part of our daily curriculum, and I would be teaching them, I would be in a more effective place to disciple them.  Also, just as a side note, when Olivia prayed tonight, it was really funny.  She said something to the affect of "God, I know you can't just drop money into Mommy's lap because you don't have money because you have everything you need."  The rest of the prayer trailed off into something else and then she again used the words "drop the money into Mommy's lap", which was hilarious because I have said on several occasions that if God chooses to drop the money we need for private school into our laps then great!  I had previously said that I wasn't sure what I would do, now that I have decided to home school, if God did choose to provide a way for the kids to go back to Grace.  But tonight, listening to her earnestness as she prayed about going back to Grace, I told her that if God chooses to provide a way for them to go back to Grace that I would seriously consider and pray about it before starting to home school.

3.  Mom has power to develop her children's spiritual gifts.

This one, while I believed it, made me realize that I hadn't ever really thought about my children as having spiritual gifts.  When I look at it now, I can see bits and pieces of the gifts they each are developing.  But in general, I have no idea what their spiritual gifts are.  But I am now, thanks to this sermon, really watching them and trying to discern what their unique gifts are.

4.  Mom has power to teach her children the word of God.

This goes along with the home school aspect, but more than that, this idea of putting Scripture up on our walls and praying God's word over my kids has become more important to me, as I see how valuable this is for them.

5.  Mom has power to help her children find their own faith.

I know that on my own journey, this happened to me.  I grew up on my parents' faith.  I believed in God, that Jesus died on the Cross and everything that I was taught growing up.  It is important to teach our children this.  And then, at some point, (it was in college for me) I realized that I had to step away from their faith and learn how to stand in Christ on my own.  And I thought I had it right, all those years ago in college.  But I find now that it has been a journey of some 13 years that finally brought me to that place where I truly understand that my faith is now my own.  All I was taught growing up is still in my heart, but I am now clinging to Christ with a faith that is my own.  And I can help my children on their own journeys and hopefully they can avoid some of the heartache that I went through to bring me to this place.

I'll get some pictures of the cards the kids made for me tomorrow (Katherine's was so witty and hilarious, just like her mother!).  Today was a bad day on the pain side of my life and I finally broke down and took my last two Vicodin.  Mix that with a muscle relaxer and the fact that I didn't sleep well last night, I'm already drowsy (I'm not even sure I'll be able to keep my eyes open long enough to proofread this for spelling/grammar errors so deal with it).  And I haven't even taken my medicine to help me sleep yet!  But my neck doesn't hurt as bad as it did and the pounding headache has dissipated.  The bad news is that all the "good" (i.e. EFFECTIVE) pain meds are now gone.  I go back to the spine specialist on Tuesday to hear the results of my MRI.  Praying there is some explanation as to why my lower back keeps "giving out", and that there are no ruptured discs in my neck.  It is really frustrating to have the body of an 85 year old woman.

Blessings pour forth

You know guys, I am sitting here, so grateful to God and those of you who read this blog and pray for me.  I feel so overwhelmed with thankfulness and am filled with joy over the blessings God is giving to me.

I received a very sweet card today from an old college friend and an unexpected gift inside.  To you, I say thank you.  Your thoughtfulness and desire to help in any small way was so appreciated.  It was more your motive that moved me than anything else.

I also got a Mother's Day card from my mom.  Which moved me to tears.  You have to understand that this is probably the first time in my life I could read a card from my mom, believe with my whole heart that she meant every word and feel so blessed to have her in my life.  We haven't always had the best relationship.  There were times in high school and college when I can remember it feeling very turbulent. But as I grew older and had kids of my own, I began to understand that her fears and worries about how many kids I had and all the responsibility I was taking on was born out of her own struggles as a young overwhelmed mother with four kids.  I have come to respect my mother very deeply for the hardships she went through when we were little and I know that she did the best she knew how to raise us up, with Jesus in our hearts, helping us to be the best possible individuals that we could.

And while it took me a long time to get back to that place where Jesus was really all I needed, now that I am there and I get it, I see my mother so differently.  And it's not Mother's Day yet, and maybe this post would be more appropriate tomorrow, but it's on my heart today.  So today it shall be.

I'm sitting here, once again, with tears streaming down my face.  That seems to be normal these days and so I just let the tears fall.  It's healing.  I cannot even begin to tell you how much the card my mom sent to me touched my heart and blessed me.  I would write so much more if I could.

I didn't realize it until I read her card today that I loved her more deeply than I have ever loved her before in my life.  I know I've hurt her over the years at times, with words or actions.  But we have learned to respect one another and to know that she is proud of me means a lot to me.  Even more so because I am in a place where I can actually believe that she is proud of me.  I am grateful to have reached a place in my life, before she has died, where I can tell her these things.  That's not meant to be morbid or imply that she is going to die soon from old age.  Some people don't still have their mothers in their lives-that is what I am saying.

I'm not eloquent with spoken words.  So I write.  And this is for my mom.  To tell her I love her.  And I am thankful that I have an opportunity that others don't to be able to express these words to her.  That she is still with me in this life.  God is so great and his blessings are just too amazing to comprehend.

I'm hoping that I am not being too presumptuous in sharing my mother's words with you.  First, from the card itself.  As I read these words, I could literally picture my mother and me as a child and that is something that I have never been able to do.  I think for so long the devil had this lie in my head about my mom and now that I am free from those lies, I see so clearly.

"For a Lovely Daughter

It doesn't seem so long ago your head rested on my shoulder,
and I held your little hand in mine.
It doesn't seem so long ago you were all dressed up
for your first day of school,
and I tried to calm your fears...

It doesn't seem so long ago you showed me how you'd grown,
and I realized you weren't a child anymore...

Now that you're grown and are a mother,
you still bring me more joy than you'll ever know.

Happy Mother's Day with Love."

Her handwritten note send me over the edge, with the tears I mean.  Mom, I know I didn't ask permission but I hope you don't mind that I share this.

"Jamie:
Hope you have a great day and focus on those 4 blessings in your life, instead of beating yourself up for failures (like I usually did!).  I love you and am proud of you and your family,
Love,
Mom."

Mom, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  For years, having kids of my own, I finally understood some of the struggles you went through raising us.  But it wasn't until today, with my eyes wide open and my heart free of Satan's lies that I really understood how much you love me and how much I love you in return.

I hope that you have a great Mother's Day and that God fills you with the love that I feel for you and that you are blessed.  I know I don't do things the same way.  Sending cards and the like.  This is my way to express my gratitude and love.  Thank you!

Gardening 101

Since we managed to keep 3 of our 4 Beta fish alive for a year now, I decided to take it a step farther and try to grow some plants.  I've always been the person who just has no interest in plants at all.  Or animals.  But we caved last year and bought each child a Beta.  Kaleb's Beta had no will to live.  Actually, we believe that it attacked it's own image on the not-so-ideal-glass-bowl we bought for it, thus killing itself.  But the other three are thriving, even if they aren't taken care of as well as they should be.  I think we do better with kids.  That being said, I am still going to give gardening a go.

It all began at our ladies Bible study last week.  We were given three seeds to a plant I can't remember the name of.  4 o'clocks maybe?  I don't even know.  But I left Bible study knowing I wanted to plant them.  I thought, there must be something to be said for gardening and listening to Sherry tell us about her garden and weeds, I just really felt like planting these and tending to them would be a reminder to me to think about God and not only His creation, but also the weeds that come into our lives.

So last week, Kat and I ventured out to the opening day of the local farmer's market.  I intended to buy some strawberries and just see what they had.  We wound up with some jalapenos, roma tomatoes, cilantro, oregano and some random flower.  Tonight, after a friend and her husband came over and tilled the area I was going to plant them, I did it.  I planted them.  And I planted the three seeds of the other unknown flower.  I have no clue if any of this stuff will grow but it'll be interesting to see.  In the meantime, God will likely be teaching me patience.  I like things like making jewelry and quilting and headbands because I see the finished product as I go.  With gardening though, I don't get that immediate result.  So, this may be a little harder for me.  Waiting.  Being patient.  And hopefully at least ONE of the plants will live and thrive.

Did you notice I didn't write yesterday?  I got called in (at 6:30am) to substitute over at Grace.  I subbed for an aide.  It was NOT easy.  Subbing for middle school was SO MUCH EASIER.  My hats off to these aides and all that they do.  I did NOT have fun.  I survived.  It was fine.  And I made a little money, which is needed.  So, after school, I cannot even remember what happened.  My brain was fried at that point.  I seriously cannot even begin to remember what we did between school ending and the kids going to bed.  I don't even remember the kids going to bed.  I do remember falling asleep at 10pm.  Which is incredibly unusual for me.

I went today for my spine MRI.  It took about an hour.  There were three different sections, each taking about 20 minutes.  I go on Tuesday to find out the results and see if there is anything wrong with my back, in addition to my neck issues.  Then Kris, who decided he would leave me alone this Mother's Day weekend (OK...technically he'll be home tomorrow night), took me out on a date.

We saw Dark Shadows.  Because I love Johnny Depp.  Here's my take on it.  I think it was a great role for Depp, as always.  And we enjoyed the movie, until about 3/4ths of the way through.  Then it just got stupid.  Like, the writers just gave up trying to do anything else with it.  But all in all, it was a really good date with a really great man.

On a really frustrating note, our water line is backed up.  Kris thinks there is just something clogged in the garbage disposal, which isn't really working.  The bathroom and kitchen sinks don't drain.  There is standing water in my dishwasher.  Kris is holding out until his dad comes on Tuesday.  I just want to pay someone money we don't have to fix the problem NOW.  But instead, I took my dishes to my mother-in-law's house and we have been trying not to use any dishes.  Which makes cooking really complicated...

OK...now that I have bored both myself and you, I'm going to stop.  I've been watching The Colbert Report to end my night and so I will leave you with this.

Stephen Colbert said that he believed puberty was a choice and kids should wait until they are married to go through it.

Hilarious!  Especially in the context of the rest of the segment.