Mawwiage...

Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today...

Marriage is on my heart tonight.  It's HEAVY on my heart.

So many of my friends are experiencing "issues" in their marriages.  It breaks my heart.  You know that song I posted about earlier, "Jesus, Friend of Sinners"?  There is a line in there that says "break my heart for what breaks yours."  And broken marriages are breaking my heart.  I think they break Jesus' heart too.

I know that every situation is different.  I know that every marriage can't survive what Kris and I have survived and that there are always other factors that will make it difficult to STAY married.  Getting out seems like such the easy answer.  I never thought I would want to get out of my marriage.  Until 3 months ago.  3 months ago, I seriously thought "Can I do this alone, or should I try one more time to fix what is broken?"

And really, I don't think it is the failing/suffering marriages that break my heart so much as the people hurting and broken in those marriages.  Marriages where not all are believers.  Marriages where there is abuse in one form or another. Marriages where there is no spark, no connection.  Marriages filled with addictions.  Marriages filled with lies and adultery.  So, I know it's easy to say "STAY MARRIED".  "Fight for what you started."  "Start over.  With the same person."  It's so easy to say that.  But not every marriage can be so easily fixed.  It's not always that simple.

I think that in so many ways God poured out a tremendous amount of grace and mercy on Kris and I, and gave us the ability to reconcile and begin to rebuild our crumbling marriage quickly.  We both decided we wanted to fight.  We chose to embrace this:

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do


Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing of us
But demand we give our all


Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for.




My heart hurts for my friends.  For those who want so desperately to make their marriages work but have partners who don't want to try, or those who just feel like it just isn't working anymore.  Staying together.  Getting divorced.  Neither option is easy.  I see my friends around me, getting divorced, and it is never as simple as they thought it would be.  It's ugly.  It's painful.  It's not easy.  They *might* end up happier in the end.  Their kids *might* be better off than they would be left in a harmful environment.  So I am not judging anyone who is divorced, getting divorced, or thinking about getting divorced.  I'm just observing that my friends who have gone through that have told me how incredibly hard and painful it is on EVERYONE.

I have seen firsthand in my own marriage how hard it is to stay when all you want to do is run.  To try to work it out.  For 12 years Kris and I tried to "work it out".  Unbeknownst to us, we just weren't doing the right work.  We were trying to do it our way.  Kris was trying to do what he thought would work.  I was trying to do what I thought would work.  And then, eventually, we quit trying altogether.  We just began to coexist, which also is a very unstable environment to put your kids in.

So when I left 3 months ago to "think", to get some perspective on my life and what I wanted for myself and for my children, I realized that something had to change.  What we were doing, Kris and I, this horrible cycle of hurt and pain we were causing one another, was damaging our children. Staying together "for the kids" isn't always what will provide stability and protection for your children.  At the same time, any separation or divorce will affect your children in profound ways.  While ultimately they may reach that place of stability and safety, it'll take a lot of work to get them there, and in some cases, counseling.  Kids just can't understand the horrors of adulthood and the tough decisions we have to make.

And while Kris was always the one to commit to working it out, I was at a place where I seriously considered whether it would be better for the kids and for me if we got out of the vicious, unhealthy cycle we had been living in for over a decade.  Ultimately, God didn't let me make that decision.  Well, He did.  We always have a choice.  But He orchestrated things in such a way that when I was ready to say "OK.  I'm going to try to go it alone.", something happened in Kris' heart. Something changed, and he began to woo me.  It is amazing to me how little he had to say and do to pull my heart back to him.  But for the first time in our married life, he was expressing his heart to me.  He was being open and vulnerable and showing me his heart for me and for our marriage.  And God was softening my heart as well, or I never would have been receptive to Kris' emails.  I wouldn't have seen them for what they were.  And I am so thankful that God brought Kris and I both to that place at the same time.  That place where we decided, not as a united front but individually, that we would fight for our marriage.

And while the last three months have been amazing, they haven't been easy. We have a lot of hurt and healing to do still.  There are things in our pasts that have to be addressed and confronted.  This reminds me of a song.  Shocking, isn't it?  "So let it fall down.  There's freedom waiting in the sound, when you let your walls fall to the ground.  We're here now.  This is where the healing begins.  This is where the healing starts.  When you come where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.  The light meets the dark."



I think that Kris and I still have a long way to go to be as healthy as we can be, but I am so thankful that we have a bit of a head start that some people aren't as fortunate to have.  God is working in both of us, especially me since Good Friday.  And we are fighting for our marriage.  For so long, Satan had a hold on us, on our marriage.  Once we identified that, it was easier to see where we wanted to be, and WHO we wanted to be in control of our marriage.  And it wasn't us. Because we had proved we were horrible at it.  And we certainly didn't want it to be Satan.  So we chose to give our broken, hurting marriage over to the only one who truly heals.  And this is where the healing begins.

My heart isn't as heavy as when I first began writing it.  Perhaps it is the medicine to help me sleep.  More likely, it is the therapeutic writing process, and I'm sure very much God.  I still hurt for my friends and want them all to experience what Kris and I have been so blessed to experience.  And maybe it's too late for some.  Maybe it's too hard, or too harmful for you or your children.  If that is the case, then my prayer is for you and your spouse and just that God would intervene, like he did with Kris and I.  That he would do a miracle for you.  Because the way that we are living now is SO MUCH BETTER than it has been in our entire 12+ years of marriage, and I am finally looking forward to seeing what God is going to do with us and our story.  And I am thankful that the children weren't dragged through the muddy waters of a divorce.  So, I don't know where you are at.  Well, some of you, I know your stories.  I know your struggles and that it isn't easy to stay married and your best option may be to "get out".  I'll support anyone I love in the decision they choose, but I won't stop praying that God will work a miracle in your life and marriage like he did for me.  Because if he can take my stony, stubborn heart and replace it with a tender, responsive heart, I know that he can do wonders in your lives as well.

I'm going to leave you with just one thing, sort of off this topic of "mawwiage".  I've recently been introduced to a wonderful woman named Jill.  I loved her from the word Xanax.  We shared a common bond.  Xanax, yet, but more than that, we are kindred spirits I think.  She is currently blogging about her own journey back to God, and you can check that out here.  I got to meet her face to face today, and she gave me some jewelry pieces.  Several were charms, specifically with handcuffs linked, that say freedom on them.

On a whim, earlier today, I purchased some ribbon shaped charms, with the intent of making some "pink" bracelets with the hope ribbon charm, for cancer awareness.  But when Jill gave me the handcuff pieces, I immediately envisioned putting the two together.  The handcuffs remind me that "My chains are gone, I've been set free.  My God, my Savior has ransomed me."  The hope charms remind me that I finally have hope again.  One is to symbolize hope in God-that restored relationship with him and the hope I have that he can free me from sin and guilt and shame.  The other is a reminder that I finally have hope in my marriage.  Hope that we can make it.  That we can do the work and reap the blessings and rewards.  Here is how it turned out: