A new plan

I woke up this morning to the knowledge that God is good and kind. It took something as simple as my children sleeping in. Today is my day home with them. I shared a lot of my feelings with Kris last night, including some things I wasn't really able to write about here, which of course was NOT easy...I told him how I was scared to be alone with the kids. Not because I am afraid I will do anything to them, but because I am afraid of the out-of-control-I-can't-handle-this feelings that I have had lately while alone with them.

The kids are notorious for sleeping in on days that Kris is home with them and getting up by 7:30 on days I am home with them. Last night they didn't go to bed until 9pm, which usually means they will wake up incredibly cranky and it sets the tone for the whole day. I don't know why...it is just how it happens. I tend to believe that Kris makes more noise in the morning than I do and so they hear him and decide it's time to get up. But for whatever reason, even with all the factors against them, Kaleb and Abbey (our earliest risers) didn't get up until 8:30!! I still can't believe it because those two NEVER sleep past 8am. Katherine and Olivia are still asleep. We did have a minor incident a few minutes ago with Kaleb trying to wake Katherine up, but other than that, they've been pretty good. Granted, I've only been up for 30 minutes and the day is still young...

So it took a little thing like the kids sleeping in to remind me that God is looking out for me. Of course I knew He was and is, but the reminder brought me some comfort this morning.

While I'm talking about this, I have serious issues with the mindset that if you're depressed, you just aren't trusting God enough. From someone who loves the Lord AND battles depression, that's just not true! You can trust God to the very core of your being and still be depressed. I do not believe that it is as simple as "just trust God". Trusting God doesn't free everyone of depression. Maybe some, but not everyone. Because I have been at the height of my spiritual walk and still battled this. And I'll curl up in a corner and cry silently fight anyone who tries to tell me differently. FOR ME, there is little connection between my mental health and my relationship with God. My mental health is not an ultimate indicator of my spiritual health. Sure, when I am completely relying on God, I can "handle" things better than when I'm not. That is true with any aspect of your life. But that doesn't mean that God is going to prevent you from experiencing something. Sure he CAN. It's well within His power to do so. But sometimes He chooses to allow you go through certain things in life. Struggling with depression is no different than the person who has to live life with a missing limb or cancer. Sure the exact struggles are different but ultimately, the burden is the same. God doesn't always keep our lives nice and neat and free of pain and sorrow. I have no doubts that He COULD, but that just isn't how God works. At least, that has not been how He has worked in my life. You can't learn and grow if God makes everything easy for you.

Last night while we were talking, Kris and I came up with a new plan for working this summer. It isn't ideal (for him!) but it will be better than what we are doing now. He'll go to the office to work in the morning (7am-noon) and then at noon I will meet him down there with the kids. He will take the kids home and I will work until 8pm. We'll see each other less, but we think that this schedule will reduce some of the tension we both feel because we have to get certain things done whether the kids are around or not. Not having hours to put in during the morning hours will help me while I am home with the kids too. It will relieve the pressure I constantly feel to get all my hours in. It'll be easier on the kids because I can give them the attention they are needing. It's really a much better deal for me than for Kris, but I married a good man and he is willing to make this sacrifice for me. We just have a month and a half left before school starts, so it's not a permanent schedule. We'll see how it goes...