Mawwiage...

Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today...

Marriage is on my heart tonight.  It's HEAVY on my heart.

So many of my friends are experiencing "issues" in their marriages.  It breaks my heart.  You know that song I posted about earlier, "Jesus, Friend of Sinners"?  There is a line in there that says "break my heart for what breaks yours."  And broken marriages are breaking my heart.  I think they break Jesus' heart too.

I know that every situation is different.  I know that every marriage can't survive what Kris and I have survived and that there are always other factors that will make it difficult to STAY married.  Getting out seems like such the easy answer.  I never thought I would want to get out of my marriage.  Until 3 months ago.  3 months ago, I seriously thought "Can I do this alone, or should I try one more time to fix what is broken?"

And really, I don't think it is the failing/suffering marriages that break my heart so much as the people hurting and broken in those marriages.  Marriages where not all are believers.  Marriages where there is abuse in one form or another. Marriages where there is no spark, no connection.  Marriages filled with addictions.  Marriages filled with lies and adultery.  So, I know it's easy to say "STAY MARRIED".  "Fight for what you started."  "Start over.  With the same person."  It's so easy to say that.  But not every marriage can be so easily fixed.  It's not always that simple.

I think that in so many ways God poured out a tremendous amount of grace and mercy on Kris and I, and gave us the ability to reconcile and begin to rebuild our crumbling marriage quickly.  We both decided we wanted to fight.  We chose to embrace this:

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do


Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing of us
But demand we give our all


Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for.




My heart hurts for my friends.  For those who want so desperately to make their marriages work but have partners who don't want to try, or those who just feel like it just isn't working anymore.  Staying together.  Getting divorced.  Neither option is easy.  I see my friends around me, getting divorced, and it is never as simple as they thought it would be.  It's ugly.  It's painful.  It's not easy.  They *might* end up happier in the end.  Their kids *might* be better off than they would be left in a harmful environment.  So I am not judging anyone who is divorced, getting divorced, or thinking about getting divorced.  I'm just observing that my friends who have gone through that have told me how incredibly hard and painful it is on EVERYONE.

I have seen firsthand in my own marriage how hard it is to stay when all you want to do is run.  To try to work it out.  For 12 years Kris and I tried to "work it out".  Unbeknownst to us, we just weren't doing the right work.  We were trying to do it our way.  Kris was trying to do what he thought would work.  I was trying to do what I thought would work.  And then, eventually, we quit trying altogether.  We just began to coexist, which also is a very unstable environment to put your kids in.

So when I left 3 months ago to "think", to get some perspective on my life and what I wanted for myself and for my children, I realized that something had to change.  What we were doing, Kris and I, this horrible cycle of hurt and pain we were causing one another, was damaging our children. Staying together "for the kids" isn't always what will provide stability and protection for your children.  At the same time, any separation or divorce will affect your children in profound ways.  While ultimately they may reach that place of stability and safety, it'll take a lot of work to get them there, and in some cases, counseling.  Kids just can't understand the horrors of adulthood and the tough decisions we have to make.

And while Kris was always the one to commit to working it out, I was at a place where I seriously considered whether it would be better for the kids and for me if we got out of the vicious, unhealthy cycle we had been living in for over a decade.  Ultimately, God didn't let me make that decision.  Well, He did.  We always have a choice.  But He orchestrated things in such a way that when I was ready to say "OK.  I'm going to try to go it alone.", something happened in Kris' heart. Something changed, and he began to woo me.  It is amazing to me how little he had to say and do to pull my heart back to him.  But for the first time in our married life, he was expressing his heart to me.  He was being open and vulnerable and showing me his heart for me and for our marriage.  And God was softening my heart as well, or I never would have been receptive to Kris' emails.  I wouldn't have seen them for what they were.  And I am so thankful that God brought Kris and I both to that place at the same time.  That place where we decided, not as a united front but individually, that we would fight for our marriage.

And while the last three months have been amazing, they haven't been easy. We have a lot of hurt and healing to do still.  There are things in our pasts that have to be addressed and confronted.  This reminds me of a song.  Shocking, isn't it?  "So let it fall down.  There's freedom waiting in the sound, when you let your walls fall to the ground.  We're here now.  This is where the healing begins.  This is where the healing starts.  When you come where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.  The light meets the dark."



I think that Kris and I still have a long way to go to be as healthy as we can be, but I am so thankful that we have a bit of a head start that some people aren't as fortunate to have.  God is working in both of us, especially me since Good Friday.  And we are fighting for our marriage.  For so long, Satan had a hold on us, on our marriage.  Once we identified that, it was easier to see where we wanted to be, and WHO we wanted to be in control of our marriage.  And it wasn't us. Because we had proved we were horrible at it.  And we certainly didn't want it to be Satan.  So we chose to give our broken, hurting marriage over to the only one who truly heals.  And this is where the healing begins.

My heart isn't as heavy as when I first began writing it.  Perhaps it is the medicine to help me sleep.  More likely, it is the therapeutic writing process, and I'm sure very much God.  I still hurt for my friends and want them all to experience what Kris and I have been so blessed to experience.  And maybe it's too late for some.  Maybe it's too hard, or too harmful for you or your children.  If that is the case, then my prayer is for you and your spouse and just that God would intervene, like he did with Kris and I.  That he would do a miracle for you.  Because the way that we are living now is SO MUCH BETTER than it has been in our entire 12+ years of marriage, and I am finally looking forward to seeing what God is going to do with us and our story.  And I am thankful that the children weren't dragged through the muddy waters of a divorce.  So, I don't know where you are at.  Well, some of you, I know your stories.  I know your struggles and that it isn't easy to stay married and your best option may be to "get out".  I'll support anyone I love in the decision they choose, but I won't stop praying that God will work a miracle in your life and marriage like he did for me.  Because if he can take my stony, stubborn heart and replace it with a tender, responsive heart, I know that he can do wonders in your lives as well.

I'm going to leave you with just one thing, sort of off this topic of "mawwiage".  I've recently been introduced to a wonderful woman named Jill.  I loved her from the word Xanax.  We shared a common bond.  Xanax, yet, but more than that, we are kindred spirits I think.  She is currently blogging about her own journey back to God, and you can check that out here.  I got to meet her face to face today, and she gave me some jewelry pieces.  Several were charms, specifically with handcuffs linked, that say freedom on them.

On a whim, earlier today, I purchased some ribbon shaped charms, with the intent of making some "pink" bracelets with the hope ribbon charm, for cancer awareness.  But when Jill gave me the handcuff pieces, I immediately envisioned putting the two together.  The handcuffs remind me that "My chains are gone, I've been set free.  My God, my Savior has ransomed me."  The hope charms remind me that I finally have hope again.  One is to symbolize hope in God-that restored relationship with him and the hope I have that he can free me from sin and guilt and shame.  The other is a reminder that I finally have hope in my marriage.  Hope that we can make it.  That we can do the work and reap the blessings and rewards.  Here is how it turned out:

I did what???

Went on a field trip.  Yes I did.  With small children.  Well, smallish.  They were 5th graders.  Some of you may be thinking "Oh I ALWAYS go on field trips with my kids and their classes."  Well, you are not me.  I DO NOT go on field trips.  The whole I don't like other people's kids thing, which is becoming less of a thing for me these days.  I still have my limits.  I have no desire at all to go on a field trip with ANY child under the age of 9.  Unless I am homeschooling and the only 6 year old I have is my own.  But yes, I went on my first ever field trip as an adult.  I usually avoid them at all costs.  Because I don't like walking, bad weather, other people's kids, and pretty much any other excuse to keep me from going.

But Katherine practically begged me to go and the teacher needed drivers, and I happened to be free. So I went.  And you know what?  Not only was it not as bad as I feared (though I admit I did take my Xanax with me), I actually learned something and enjoyed it.  Now all the other kids are like "What about us?" and "You never go on field trips with us."  Suck it up kiddos.  I never go on ANY field trips and we will have plenty next year.

We first learned about Elijah Lovejoy and saw the statue/monument erected in his honor in Alton, IL.  Pretty cool guy.  Fought against slavery, and got killed for writing about it.  Here are just a couple of pictures.  I didn't get one with just Kat, and I don't think it'd be right to post one of her whole class, without the permission of all the parents.  Here is what I did get though.

There are three things I love about this "sign".  The first is what it says above his name.

"Considered by many to be the first casualty of the Civil War, abolitionist editor and Presbyterian minister Rev. Elijah P. Lovejoy was killed defending the freedom of the press."  I just found it interesting that he was considered to be the first casualty of the Civil War.  Ever since we took the kids to Gettysburg a few years back, I've been fascinated by history and especially that surrounding the Civil War.

Next, is a quote from Lovejoy himself, which for some reason, reminds me of our church, The Outpost, and it's name/meaning.  And also, in general, the way we should approach these battles that we get into between good and evil, God vs. Satan.  Lovejoy said this:

"I can die at my post but I cannot desert it."

And lastly, Abraham Lincoln himself said this about him:

"Lovejoy's tragic death for freedom in every sense marked his sad ending as the most important single event that ever happened in the new world."

After seeing the monument, we went over to learn about Robert Wadlow.  Kat has been telling me he was this really tall guy.  Tallest man in the world.  I didn't realize he lived in Alton, IL.  Just 25 minutes from where I live now.  We watched at 25 minute video about his life, which was really interesting.  And then we got to see part of the museum that is dedicated to him and has replicas of his height, as well as personal belongings, such as his size 37AA shoes and a ring made to fit him, that a half dollar would fit inside.  His graduation gown and cap used FOURTEEN YARDS of fabric!  If you know anything about fabric, you know that 14 yards is a LOT of material!  Here are some of the pictures I got.

The guy was still growing at age 22!  If he hadn't died of an infection in one of his feet at that young age, who knows how tall he would have gotten!

Understand, Katherine is almost 12.  This is a "replica" of the height Robert had reached at age 13!!!  Can you imagine?

A replica of his head.  Looks huge compared to Katherine's.

Sadly, compared to mine, my face is obviously fatter but lengthwise, his head is almost half as big!

It's hard to tell by the picture alone, without seeing the actual replica, but his hand was HUGE!!!!

His height before he died.  Katherine is shorter than the top of the man's cane!

A bronze replica of a chair made for him, to fit his very large size.

It's hard to see from here but I am holding his humongous hand (which now seems a little creepy), while Kat has wrapped herself around his cane.

So there you have.  My first field trip.  And it wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be.  It was actually fascinating to learn what I learned and how much history there is in Alton, IL.

Music That Moves Me - Week 6

Before I get to the music, Satan is still battling for my family.  Kaleb was just in here, crying and very upset.  Something about how kids at school talk about seeing angels and demons and he was really afraid that he would see a demon.  So we talked to him for a bit, then I showed him my verses that I read when I'm feeling afraid or anxious, and then we prayed them over him.  It seemed to have calmed him down and he is back in bed now.  Hey Satan, you idiot!  Get out of my house!!!

I kept hearing two specific songs this past week and thought I'd share them, since they seem to be dominating what I hear lately.

The first is The Hurt and The Healer by MercyMe.  Profound lyrics.





The second, I just really, really love.  We are ALL sinners. None of us are worthy of God's love and what Christ did on that Cross.  But he died for us anyway.  And no matter where you are at, Jesus is your friend.  Reminds me of Livvy walking around singing simply tonight "I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God.  He calls me friend."  If my six year old can understand that Jesus calls her friend, so can you!

Stupid Spine...

I'm going to whine for a moment.  Not whine so much.  I'm just...feeling...a little frustrated.  With my 33 year old self that has the body of a 75 year old.  It is ridiculous how little I can do without pain.  Bending of any kind, to load the dishwasher, change laundry, pick something up...all of those things hurt my back.  We all know I've had neck issues going on four years now.  I have lived with daily pain for almost four years and it wears you down after a while.  Today is a bad day.  I woke up with my neck and shoulders just aching.  It was just three weeks ago that I was in the ER because the pain in my neck was so bad and I couldn't move my head.  So now, after seeing a spine specialist and having an MRI done on my entire spine I found out a few things.

#1.  I have some minor bulges in the thoracic area (middle) of my spine, but they are nothing too bad and not causing much pain.  So minor I guess that I don't have any info on where the bulges are.

#2.  I have a bulging disc at the very lowest disc in my lower back (lumbar), which is very likely causing the pain when I bend to do pretty much anything.  Again, it is minor and nothing to be done.  There is a possibility of talking with the spine specialist about an epidural injection there, so that I can function without pain, but essentially, I have to take preventative measures (whatever those may be) to ensure that that disc doesn't herniate/rupture.

#3.  I have mild bulges in my cervical spine between discs 3-4 and discs 4-5.

#4.  Discs C5-6 and C6-7, both found as bulging on my MRI 3 years ago have now herniated/ruptured.  They are compressing on/around my spine and one of them (C6-7) has caused significant pressure on my spine.  And so, of the two things I feared (either they'd tell me nothing was wrong or they'd say surgery), the doctor says the dreaded word "surgery".

My entire spine screams of degenerative disc disease, which is basically arthritis.  And for the most part, un-treatable, if I understand it correctly.  Unless, of course, the discs rupture, and then they can do surgery.  But they do surgery and then fuse the bones together.  Thus, giving you limited mobility.  When I brought this point up to Kris, he had a good counter.  He said, "Well, it's not like you don't already have limited mobility in your neck."  Good point Kristopher.  Good point.

And IF surgery would guarantee that the daily pain I experience at varying degrees dissipates, then to me, it seems worth it.  But it can't guarantee that.  I could be left feeling worse than before the surgery.

The spine specialist recommended I have a neurosurgeon take a look at my MRI results and get a "second opinion".  If he agrees that surgery is my best option, then that is what he recommends.  I am currently waiting be scheduled for a Myelogram CT, which will show if there is any nerve damage I guess.  It is apparently something that has to be done before they can even do the surgery.

Now I'm not rushing into surgery as an option.  I'm going to talk to my chiropractor, who (upon telling him I was having an MRI done of my spine) said "Well, that'll be a waste of time."  I don't think it was a waste of time.  No one has ever diagnosed me with anything except stress and told me I need to relax.  Now, I'm looking at finally being diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and I at least feel better for knowing that I'm not crazy.  That there is definitely something wrong with my neck and back.  If there is something that can make the pain go away, that's what I want!  I'm so tired of living in constant pain.  I'm sure my family is tired of bearing the brunt of my crankiness due to being in constant pain.

I don't know much at this point about the surgery.  I heard words like "outpatient" and "pain for a few days" and "you can drive after a week".  He made it sound like it wasn't that big of a deal, but then again, so did the guy that did my knee surgery and I wish I could punch him in the throat.  8-12 weeks and you'll be all better.  Right!  A YEAR later and I can finally function with some normality with my right knee.

But because I have gone through so many different types of treatment (physical therapy, cortisone injections, chiropractic care) and none of them have helped alleviate the pain, and now the discs have ruptured, it is looking like surgery will end up being in my near future.

And THAT is what scares me.  Some people have had good results from having neck surgery for this type of thing.  Others have not.  My uncle on my husband's side told me today "do not let them fuse the bones".  I understand what happens in this surgery.  They remove the fluid and pieces of the disc or whatever is in there around the spine, causing the pressure.  Then they fuse the bones together.  You no longer have the "shock absorber" that used to be there, giving you the mobility you need.  But, as Kris pointed out, with the amount of pain I am in, my mobility is already significantly decreased.  So, will it really be WORSE than what I have now?  Having limited mobility WITHOUT pain seems better than limited mobility WITH pain.

I'm just scared.  And it's just my instant reaction.  I know that as time goes by and I get more opinions and talk to my mom about her neck/back surgeries that I will feel better.  And really, I am not feeling anxious about it, which for me is a good sign.  But there is still that fear there.  IF I were to go through with surgery and it doesn't make me feel better...then I've gone through all of that for nothing. But...what if it does help?  What if it does alleviate the pain that I have had daily for over three years?

I'm not making any decisions at this point.  I will let them schedule the CT scan and go through that, and follow up with the neurosurgeon for a second opinion.  I will talk to my chiropractor and get his opinion, even if I choose to ignore it.  While I think he is good, I do not think that everything can be fixed with chiropractic care.  He has helped me on some of my bad days, but when the pain is really bad, even he can't make it better.  I'll also talk to my mom and pray about the surgery itself and ultimately, make an informed decision.

This post was really just so I could get out what is going on in my head and try to give myself some clarity on the situation.  Do I want to have neck surgery.  Absolutely not.  But if it will make me feel better overall, I will consider it.  At least I don't have to make any decisions right now.

I did a little research on cervical stenosis (which is what my spine specialist said was going on in my neck) and/or cervical myelopathy, and read that the pressure on my spinal cord will not go away without surgery and that the symptoms will only get worse as time goes on.  Because I have not improved over three years of non-operative care, I may be looking at a situation where surgery is my only option.  I will tell you that when I met with a neurosurgeon three years ago he said that surgery was not necessary at that point in time.  Because the discs were just bulging.  But now that they have herniated, I believe I will get a different answer.

Anyway...that's where I am at right now with my stupid spine.

A Poem

I've always said that all poetry is about death in some way or another.  And I'll admit.  This poem I am about to share had me struggling slightly to find how it is about death.  But I'm sure I can make something up to justify my belief.  I heard this poem at a movie night a couple of weeks ago and it seemed to really just fit right in with my life and where I am at.  It was refreshing and comforting for me.  Maybe it will be to one of you too.

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb.
You're just what He wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!
by Russell Kelfer

And how does it relate to death?  It actually does.  For me.  That whole death-to-myself thing I am experiencing.  That trauma I had, that life of sin I lived for way too many years, was a death.  Jesus took that on the Cross and died to set me free.  So, this just goes to prove that all of my insistence that poetry is about death is indeed true.  ;-)

Today, I shall preach (not really)...

I'm just going to "borrow" some things from the sermon I heard today, which I will get to in a moment.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I had a pretty good day today.  The kids weren't as well behaved as I would have liked, considering it was Mother's Day and all; and they SHOULD have been on their best behavior so as not to annoy me...

While at my mother-in-law's tonight, Abbey made me a card.  She had drawn pictures of some of my favorite things.  One of the things on there (aside from Red Hots and my laptop) was a picture and underneath it she wrote "phone/iphone".  It was a cute card and I said "You better not let Daddy see that you put that on here.  You know how he feels about iPhones."  He hates all things Apple, as I have mentioned before.  So he made Abbey show him the card and he said "Why did you put all these things that Mommy hates on a card for her?  Her laptop?  Red Hots?  The iPhone?"

We're all chuckling and then Katherine said "When I get older I'm going to get an iPhone."  She was laughing and I said "What?  Just to spite us?"

Then I got to thinking about it more.  So I told her "Katherine, if that is the WORST thing you do, then THANK GOD!"  More laughter ensued, because I'm so funny, of course.  Then Kris was saying "Well...I don't know if that would be the worst thing or not."  So I continue with "Yeah, Katherine...go ahead and come home pregnant.  That would be preferable than you having an iPhone."  More laughter all around.  I'm sure it was one of those "you had to be there" moments.

The sermon this morning was probably the best Mother's Day sermon I have ever heard.  You know, we have probably all, at some point or another, heard a "themed" sermon, tailored to suit a certain holiday and sometimes they are just on the surface.  And while they are "nice", they don't really seem to encourage us to really embrace what we (in this case, as mothers) need to be doing.  This morning was different.  And I just wanted to share with you the five main points of Tony's sermon this morning.  It totally convicted me and God spoke to me through Tony's words.  And I hope that someday my kids can look back and say that I contributed to their own spiritual growth.

The sermon was about "Mom Power".  Here are the main points, and all are things I want to strive for as a mother.

1.  Mom has power to teach her children what it means to have real faith in God.

This point spoke right to where I am at.  My children have literally seen me transform in these last three months.  They have watched this journey that I am on and can see real change in me and in my faith and I think it is so cool to understand that I am, thanks to God's intervention, am SHOWING my kids what faith in God looks like.

2.  Mom has power to disciple her children.

I found this point interesting, simply because of our decision to try our hand at home schooling.  It seemed like more affirmation.  As Bible would be a part of our daily curriculum, and I would be teaching them, I would be in a more effective place to disciple them.  Also, just as a side note, when Olivia prayed tonight, it was really funny.  She said something to the affect of "God, I know you can't just drop money into Mommy's lap because you don't have money because you have everything you need."  The rest of the prayer trailed off into something else and then she again used the words "drop the money into Mommy's lap", which was hilarious because I have said on several occasions that if God chooses to drop the money we need for private school into our laps then great!  I had previously said that I wasn't sure what I would do, now that I have decided to home school, if God did choose to provide a way for the kids to go back to Grace.  But tonight, listening to her earnestness as she prayed about going back to Grace, I told her that if God chooses to provide a way for them to go back to Grace that I would seriously consider and pray about it before starting to home school.

3.  Mom has power to develop her children's spiritual gifts.

This one, while I believed it, made me realize that I hadn't ever really thought about my children as having spiritual gifts.  When I look at it now, I can see bits and pieces of the gifts they each are developing.  But in general, I have no idea what their spiritual gifts are.  But I am now, thanks to this sermon, really watching them and trying to discern what their unique gifts are.

4.  Mom has power to teach her children the word of God.

This goes along with the home school aspect, but more than that, this idea of putting Scripture up on our walls and praying God's word over my kids has become more important to me, as I see how valuable this is for them.

5.  Mom has power to help her children find their own faith.

I know that on my own journey, this happened to me.  I grew up on my parents' faith.  I believed in God, that Jesus died on the Cross and everything that I was taught growing up.  It is important to teach our children this.  And then, at some point, (it was in college for me) I realized that I had to step away from their faith and learn how to stand in Christ on my own.  And I thought I had it right, all those years ago in college.  But I find now that it has been a journey of some 13 years that finally brought me to that place where I truly understand that my faith is now my own.  All I was taught growing up is still in my heart, but I am now clinging to Christ with a faith that is my own.  And I can help my children on their own journeys and hopefully they can avoid some of the heartache that I went through to bring me to this place.

I'll get some pictures of the cards the kids made for me tomorrow (Katherine's was so witty and hilarious, just like her mother!).  Today was a bad day on the pain side of my life and I finally broke down and took my last two Vicodin.  Mix that with a muscle relaxer and the fact that I didn't sleep well last night, I'm already drowsy (I'm not even sure I'll be able to keep my eyes open long enough to proofread this for spelling/grammar errors so deal with it).  And I haven't even taken my medicine to help me sleep yet!  But my neck doesn't hurt as bad as it did and the pounding headache has dissipated.  The bad news is that all the "good" (i.e. EFFECTIVE) pain meds are now gone.  I go back to the spine specialist on Tuesday to hear the results of my MRI.  Praying there is some explanation as to why my lower back keeps "giving out", and that there are no ruptured discs in my neck.  It is really frustrating to have the body of an 85 year old woman.

Blessings pour forth

You know guys, I am sitting here, so grateful to God and those of you who read this blog and pray for me.  I feel so overwhelmed with thankfulness and am filled with joy over the blessings God is giving to me.

I received a very sweet card today from an old college friend and an unexpected gift inside.  To you, I say thank you.  Your thoughtfulness and desire to help in any small way was so appreciated.  It was more your motive that moved me than anything else.

I also got a Mother's Day card from my mom.  Which moved me to tears.  You have to understand that this is probably the first time in my life I could read a card from my mom, believe with my whole heart that she meant every word and feel so blessed to have her in my life.  We haven't always had the best relationship.  There were times in high school and college when I can remember it feeling very turbulent. But as I grew older and had kids of my own, I began to understand that her fears and worries about how many kids I had and all the responsibility I was taking on was born out of her own struggles as a young overwhelmed mother with four kids.  I have come to respect my mother very deeply for the hardships she went through when we were little and I know that she did the best she knew how to raise us up, with Jesus in our hearts, helping us to be the best possible individuals that we could.

And while it took me a long time to get back to that place where Jesus was really all I needed, now that I am there and I get it, I see my mother so differently.  And it's not Mother's Day yet, and maybe this post would be more appropriate tomorrow, but it's on my heart today.  So today it shall be.

I'm sitting here, once again, with tears streaming down my face.  That seems to be normal these days and so I just let the tears fall.  It's healing.  I cannot even begin to tell you how much the card my mom sent to me touched my heart and blessed me.  I would write so much more if I could.

I didn't realize it until I read her card today that I loved her more deeply than I have ever loved her before in my life.  I know I've hurt her over the years at times, with words or actions.  But we have learned to respect one another and to know that she is proud of me means a lot to me.  Even more so because I am in a place where I can actually believe that she is proud of me.  I am grateful to have reached a place in my life, before she has died, where I can tell her these things.  That's not meant to be morbid or imply that she is going to die soon from old age.  Some people don't still have their mothers in their lives-that is what I am saying.

I'm not eloquent with spoken words.  So I write.  And this is for my mom.  To tell her I love her.  And I am thankful that I have an opportunity that others don't to be able to express these words to her.  That she is still with me in this life.  God is so great and his blessings are just too amazing to comprehend.

I'm hoping that I am not being too presumptuous in sharing my mother's words with you.  First, from the card itself.  As I read these words, I could literally picture my mother and me as a child and that is something that I have never been able to do.  I think for so long the devil had this lie in my head about my mom and now that I am free from those lies, I see so clearly.

"For a Lovely Daughter

It doesn't seem so long ago your head rested on my shoulder,
and I held your little hand in mine.
It doesn't seem so long ago you were all dressed up
for your first day of school,
and I tried to calm your fears...

It doesn't seem so long ago you showed me how you'd grown,
and I realized you weren't a child anymore...

Now that you're grown and are a mother,
you still bring me more joy than you'll ever know.

Happy Mother's Day with Love."

Her handwritten note send me over the edge, with the tears I mean.  Mom, I know I didn't ask permission but I hope you don't mind that I share this.

"Jamie:
Hope you have a great day and focus on those 4 blessings in your life, instead of beating yourself up for failures (like I usually did!).  I love you and am proud of you and your family,
Love,
Mom."

Mom, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  For years, having kids of my own, I finally understood some of the struggles you went through raising us.  But it wasn't until today, with my eyes wide open and my heart free of Satan's lies that I really understood how much you love me and how much I love you in return.

I hope that you have a great Mother's Day and that God fills you with the love that I feel for you and that you are blessed.  I know I don't do things the same way.  Sending cards and the like.  This is my way to express my gratitude and love.  Thank you!

Gardening 101

Since we managed to keep 3 of our 4 Beta fish alive for a year now, I decided to take it a step farther and try to grow some plants.  I've always been the person who just has no interest in plants at all.  Or animals.  But we caved last year and bought each child a Beta.  Kaleb's Beta had no will to live.  Actually, we believe that it attacked it's own image on the not-so-ideal-glass-bowl we bought for it, thus killing itself.  But the other three are thriving, even if they aren't taken care of as well as they should be.  I think we do better with kids.  That being said, I am still going to give gardening a go.

It all began at our ladies Bible study last week.  We were given three seeds to a plant I can't remember the name of.  4 o'clocks maybe?  I don't even know.  But I left Bible study knowing I wanted to plant them.  I thought, there must be something to be said for gardening and listening to Sherry tell us about her garden and weeds, I just really felt like planting these and tending to them would be a reminder to me to think about God and not only His creation, but also the weeds that come into our lives.

So last week, Kat and I ventured out to the opening day of the local farmer's market.  I intended to buy some strawberries and just see what they had.  We wound up with some jalapenos, roma tomatoes, cilantro, oregano and some random flower.  Tonight, after a friend and her husband came over and tilled the area I was going to plant them, I did it.  I planted them.  And I planted the three seeds of the other unknown flower.  I have no clue if any of this stuff will grow but it'll be interesting to see.  In the meantime, God will likely be teaching me patience.  I like things like making jewelry and quilting and headbands because I see the finished product as I go.  With gardening though, I don't get that immediate result.  So, this may be a little harder for me.  Waiting.  Being patient.  And hopefully at least ONE of the plants will live and thrive.

Did you notice I didn't write yesterday?  I got called in (at 6:30am) to substitute over at Grace.  I subbed for an aide.  It was NOT easy.  Subbing for middle school was SO MUCH EASIER.  My hats off to these aides and all that they do.  I did NOT have fun.  I survived.  It was fine.  And I made a little money, which is needed.  So, after school, I cannot even remember what happened.  My brain was fried at that point.  I seriously cannot even begin to remember what we did between school ending and the kids going to bed.  I don't even remember the kids going to bed.  I do remember falling asleep at 10pm.  Which is incredibly unusual for me.

I went today for my spine MRI.  It took about an hour.  There were three different sections, each taking about 20 minutes.  I go on Tuesday to find out the results and see if there is anything wrong with my back, in addition to my neck issues.  Then Kris, who decided he would leave me alone this Mother's Day weekend (OK...technically he'll be home tomorrow night), took me out on a date.

We saw Dark Shadows.  Because I love Johnny Depp.  Here's my take on it.  I think it was a great role for Depp, as always.  And we enjoyed the movie, until about 3/4ths of the way through.  Then it just got stupid.  Like, the writers just gave up trying to do anything else with it.  But all in all, it was a really good date with a really great man.

On a really frustrating note, our water line is backed up.  Kris thinks there is just something clogged in the garbage disposal, which isn't really working.  The bathroom and kitchen sinks don't drain.  There is standing water in my dishwasher.  Kris is holding out until his dad comes on Tuesday.  I just want to pay someone money we don't have to fix the problem NOW.  But instead, I took my dishes to my mother-in-law's house and we have been trying not to use any dishes.  Which makes cooking really complicated...

OK...now that I have bored both myself and you, I'm going to stop.  I've been watching The Colbert Report to end my night and so I will leave you with this.

Stephen Colbert said that he believed puberty was a choice and kids should wait until they are married to go through it.

Hilarious!  Especially in the context of the rest of the segment.

Blessed are those who home school...Part 2

It's funny.

Almost-but-not-quite a year ago Kris and I were wrestling with what to do with our children and their education.  We couldn't afford to send them back to Grace.  If I had tried to home school last year, I am certain (looking back) that it would have been devastating to our family.

I'm sure many of you remember the great home school debacle from last May.  If you are not familiar with the complete thrashing I received about saying it was God's will for me to send my kids to public school for *that* year at least, you can find that here.  <---Just click there and it will take you to the post.  It will give you a reference point for where I am heading with this post, but it is really long.  You have been adequately warned.

So now, here we are, almost a year later.  Faced with the same decision.  And this time, I am not working full-time. So do you think we can afford to take out an $18,000+ loan to keep the kids in private school?

And while we are faced with the same decision now, our lives are so drastically different.  All six of us.

You see, a year ago, my life and my marriage was in shambles.  Most of you didn't know. Most of you saw us and thought we were happy and thriving and living up to the "good Christian" example.  Believe me.  We were not.  It's easy to LOOK good.  To look like you are OK.  We were NOT OK. And only two people knew it.  Jennifer and I knew.  Well, and God.  Kris didn't know we weren't OK.  I think he sensed things weren't quite right, but I don't think he understood how deeply I was hurting and how far from God I was.  The kids didn't know we weren't OK.  But I knew and Jennifer knew.  She was my only friend at the time who I KNEW I could share my entire heart and soul to and she would love me anyway.  She knew the depth of my struggles and she loved me through what was a very difficult time in my life.  God and I were not on good terms.  He was pushed over in his corner, because I couldn't handle Him and the life I was trying to live at the same time.  I was angry at Kris for real and imagined reasons.  I wasn't angry at God but I certainly wasn't trusting Him with the hurts of my heart.  I wasn't allowing Him to heal what was broken inside of me.

This last year has been so amazing (SO HARD BUT AMAZING), as I reflect back on it.  And I can clearly see that God was shaping me and preparing me for what I am about to reveal to you.  I didn't know it then.  But I see it now and Kris and I are convinced that the events of the last year were no coincidence.

Here are some facts from the past year:

I was depressed.

I was living apart from God.

I could care less what happened in my marriage.

I just wanted to make it through to the next day, and some days didn't care if I made it through or not.

We didn't have the money for private school and in May of last year, chose to send them to public school.

I got laid off in August.

Now there was NO WAY we could send them to Grace.

Somehow, in July, God provided a way for the kids to return to Grace for one year.

My mother-in-law had been constantly hounding me (love you Cindy!) to teach Spanish at Grace, and in December, I finally said "OK."

I did NOT see myself as a teacher.

I didn't like people.

I didn't like other people's kids.

But we needed the money, and I needed to do SOMETHING.

I learned that not only did I ENJOY teaching Spanish, I wasn't half bad at it!  And I LOVED my kids.  Even the rowdy sixth graders!  :-)  I wouldn't have traded this last semester of teaching them for anything.

And I needed to teach Spanish to understand that I COULD teach.  And if I can teach 15 kids I didn't know, then certainly I can teach my four kids, right?

Which brings me to this.  We thought things *MIGHT* fall into place for me to teach in compensation (or part compensation) for the kids' tuition at Grace for next year.  But for reasons unknown, that door was recently closed.

You combine that with the fact that I had a dream the other night that I WANTED to home school my kids and the fact that I don't want to send them to public school, that dream (whether inspired by God or not) caused me to really start contemplating this idea of home schooling.

And when God seemed to close the door for me to teach Spanish next year, He opened my eyes up to this concept of home schooling.  And guess what?!?  I'm listening.  Unless God drops $18,000 in our laps, I will be keeping the kids at home and giving home schooling a shot.  It's amazing how peaceful I feel about it.  I'm not sure you understand.  I really WANT to do this.

I can see how God was preparing me.  Since I was in such a bad place this time last year, there was NO WAY I could have handled it.  But I learned that I could teach, that I could enjoy it, that I could deal with 10 rowdy sixth graders at one time, and most importantly, He pulled me back to Him!  And now, a year later, I am confident in this decision to home school!

And if you know me, you know this MUST be God.  Because this is something many of you knew I would never even consider!  But here I am, researching what curriculum to use and learning how to get involved in a co-op.  It's amazing what God is doing in my life and my heart.  And I think this will be a good year for our family.  And I don't know what will happen past this year.  Maybe we'll be in a better place financially a year from now and can choose to send them over to North County.  Maybe we won't, but we're just taking this one step at a time.

And there is one other lesson I think He is trying to teach me.  I think He is trying to teach me that I can't keep "not liking" people.  I think He wants me to be more tolerant of idiots... ;-)  I'll work on that...eventually...

Music That Moves Me - Week 5

I have heard some amazing music during this last week.  I shared about the Girl's Night Out I went to on Saturday night.  Today, I did a Google search for Ilonka.  I have been listening to her CDs in my van constantly.   I was hoping to find a video of her singing the song "Safe" so that I could share it today.  It is an amazing song that, as I understand it, she and a friend wrote about her testimony.  My favorite lines from the song say this:

"One day you will feel a kiss and know you are loved.
One day you'll be held again and know you're enough.
One day you will learn to trust."

In the midst of all my crisis over these last few months and years really, I finally understood.  I felt that kiss and knew I was loved.  I was held and I knew I was enough.  I learned to trust.  And now that I know my place, I am safe.

I found this video on YouTube; and while there isn't a song in it, she shares some of her story.



Upon further digging, I found her own YouTube page and this is a video/clips of her singing different songs, with a bit of her testimony.



To stay on the same topic about hope and renewal, I've got two songs today.  While I can't relate in a literal sense to the first verse, it is such an amazing song.  It brings me such comfort.  The first verse actually relates quite well to Ilonka's own story.  My favorite part of the song is the chorus and then the "bridge".  It says:

"Here me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love that can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl

Let your tears touch the ground
Lay your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl
And put her back together again."



And the last song is one that has been speaking to me since Good Friday.  It's by Tenth Avenue North, a band that I love almost as much as Switchfoot.  It's called "You Are More".  Wow.  Just watch the video and listen to the words.  There is a message here that anyone reading this can be moved by and learn something from.  Give it a chance.  Not only is the song amazing, the video is incredible.  I mean...the creativity.  It's genius!

I am more.

And so are you.

Boring health update

So here's the latest "scoop" on my neck.

I met with the spine specialist today.  The entire experience was pleasant.  From reception, to the assistant, to the doctor himself.

They took about 85 8 xrays, none of which showed anything of significance.  Overall I'm a healthy person.  The doctor asked me several questions and did an exam of my reflexes.  The usual, run-of-the-mill doctor-y stuff.

And then...the best part...

He ordered an MRI of my ENTIRE spine.  I have known I needed this for quite some time.  Simple tasks, like cooking, switching laundry, loading/unloading the dishwasher, etc...are all very difficult for me.  They all cause pain in my lower back.  This...on top of my NECK issues.  It makes it very difficult to keep up with the daily tasks at my house that need to be done.  Even standing in church, or anywhere for extended periods of time (say, oh five to ten minutes...) leaves my legs feeling weak and my feet almost numb.

So, now I wait.  They have to call my insurance company to get approval for the MRI.  The doctor's office will call me in 2-3 days to schedule my appointment to have the MRI done.  Once I have that, I will, of course, have more waiting to do for the results.  But, I feel good again that I am moving forward in hopes of getting some answers.

And to take it one step further, the doctor told me that IF there was nothing wrong with my discs/nothing shows on the MRI, he can do epidural injections in my neck and back, at the very least, to help with the pain so that I can function at what is considered "normal".

That was a first

Kris and I got into a fight little disagreement this morning. Of course, as usual, I said something sarcastic.

I know...shocking...

Kris responded in kind, which is actually somewhat unusual for him.  Usually he deals with all my crazy very peace-maker-like.

But my wall went up with his clearly annoyed-with-me attitude, and I withdrew into my moody self, as usual.

So we're riding along, listening to Switchfoot.  I'm brooding.  I'm thinking "He's being irrational. He shouldn't have treated me that way."  And yet this quiet voice was whispering "Jamie, you know that you're being ridiculous."

"Yes, God. I know I'm being ridiculous, but he doesn't love me. If he did, he would have been kinder to me, despite my mean, sarcastic attitude."

I sat there, just thinking. Thinking about feeling unloved by my husband. Angry with myself for not knowing how to end the tension. Not knowing how to feel Kris' love in the midst of conflict.

And then, as is very typical of a loving and caring God, he gave me a message.

Through the Switchfoot song that was playing in that moment.

It's called "Your Love is a Song".




And the message I heard so clearly, in  that moment of weakness, questioning my husband's love, was significant.

In the past, in every single previous scenario identical to this, my tendency would be to look to something or someone else. To food. To a friend to agree that I was right and he was wrong. To Satan, and his lies telling me that my husband doesn't love me because he's mad at me.

But today, God claimed a small victory over that area of my life. With tears streaming down my face (this seems to be quite usual for me these days), I understood that God was saying this:

 "I love you. You need to turn to me. Don't look to Kris. Don't look anywhere else. Look at me. Listen to me. You are loved. When you feel like Kris doesn't love you, remember. I love you. Today is a day for change and you will learn to look to me for that love and that affirmation. And I'll give it to you."

And here is the key. I listened. For the first time. Ever. I heard and believed it when God said that He would give me that love that I always used to look for in all the wrong places.

With my eyes wide open
I've got my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my hopes unbroken
Ooh your love is a symphony
All around me
Running to me
Ooh your love is a melody
Underneath me
Running to me
Your love is a song
Your love is my remedy
Oh your love is a song

G.N.O.

When I see the letters G.N.O. (or Girl's Night Out if that was unclear), I have fond memories of a group of friends gathering once a month, without the husbands or the kids to do something fun.  Dinner.  Bowling.  A spa party.  A night spent at The Trainwreck, dancing the night away (though I just watched creepy old guys dance with much younger women and was disturbed at these women willing to dance with said creepy old guys).  Another fond memory was the time we tried to start a monthly Bunco game.  Tara, it really was a great idea!  We had one, maybe two nights where we actually played Bunco.  One night, when we were supposed to play Bunco but didn't have enough people, we did what I like best.  We spent the whole night talking about me.

It didn't matter what we did for Girl's Night Out.  It was just about getting together, laughing, talking, and having fun.

So, when my mother-in-law asked me to go with her to a Girl's Night Out that her church was having (before Good Friday), I immediately thought "That is going to be lame."  No joke.  I'm not gonna lie.  I didn't want to go.  That's not my "thing".  Women?  In a church?  Trying to have fun?  No thank you.  I'll stay at home and watch a movie with my husband.  But when Cindy promised to take me to dinner beforehand, who am I to pass up a free meal?

Now, keep in mind, when she first asked me to go, I was still in a dark place spiritually.  She told me about it before Good Friday.  Before God opened my eyes.  But to be perfectly honest, even AFTER this transformation God performed inside my heart, I was skeptical.  I had a negative attitude because in general; it is not my preference to willingly put myself in a room full of other women.  Christian or otherwise.  I don't like women.  I include myself in that statement.  I like YOU, whoever YOU are that is reading this.  Just to clarify.  It's OTHER women I don't like.  Though I have a feeling that God is softening my heart in that regard as well, as I think he is preparing to use me to minister to other women.

In general though, I have a very difficult time making friends with other women.  My close female friends have come and gone.  I don't have a single friendship that has gone on for decades where we have stayed in touch and connected the entire time.

Sure.  I have some great friends.  I have a handful of women I have met that I would consider close friends.  I have a few more I think God is adding to that list.  But up to now, I think I felt like my life was too ugly.  Too shameful.  Too wrong.  So I didn't let anyone in (except Jennifer).  Especially women.  I don't know what it is with me and females.  Friends.  Authors.  Singers.  Beth Moore!  I am so picky about females it is ridiculous.  So, when I find a true friend that loves me for me, my sin-filled past and all, I don't want to lose that (you hear me Jennifer?).  Sadly, though, I don't have many CLOSE friends.  You know that recently (if you've been following my saga), due to consequences of my own actions, I lost one of those close friends.

All of that to say this.  I was not thrilled about going to the Girl's Night Out.  There were several factors.  #1.  Jennifer wasn't going to be there.  Though I must admit that it was so refreshing and it made my heart happy to share the experience with my friend Tara, and my mother-in-law.  Both of whom know the details about my "story".  But I still wish Jennifer had been there.  Because I love her.  And miss her.  #2.  I had already decided ahead of time that it was going to be boring and stupid.  What can I say?  I'm cynical.    #3.  I had no clue who Ilonka was and was sure that this "churchy" event was going to suck.  There.  Brutal honesty.

Well, as "coincidence" would have it, (yeah...coincidence...right...) God had other plans for this night.  Let me just throw out some of the words that I heard tonight that have had great significance in my life in the last month.  Words that came from Ilonka's songs and testimony itself.  Words that speak to and affirm the truths I have been writing about since Good Friday (in no particular order).

Shame
Guilt
Depression
Weighed down
Burdened
Broken
Freedom
You are beautiful
You have great worth
Scars
God is holding on to me
STORIES!  - this one really got to me; Outpost people, I'm sure you will agree that this is NO coincidence.  She talked about how important it is to share our stories with others.  She would fit right in at The Outpost!  Her voice is like one of Dianna's cupcakes:  unbelievably amazing.

I seriously lost count of all the words she said that have dominated my thoughts and my heart over this last month, not to mention how many times I sat there, mesmerized as she sang powerful words, with tears streaming down my face.  God wanted me to be there tonight.  He wanted me to listen, so that he could reaffirm everything he has been saying to me.  I looked at Tara next to me, and Cindy on my other side, knowing both of them saw God's hand at work and knew he was speaking to my heart.

I could write all night about how this night moved me (no worries, it won't be ALL night!).  How the testimony of this amazing woman and the lyrics of her songs spoke to my heart.  My mother-in-law was awesome enough to purchase her CDs for me and I am so glad she did.  The words in these songs speak to my heart.  They reaffirm what God has been teaching me.  And it was a soothing balm for my soul tonight to go.  To listen.  To be reminded.  To let God further heal my heart.  To let the tears fall.

At one point, I was just waiting for Ilanka to say the words "second chances".  She didn't.  However, not surprisingly, one of the songs on one of her CDs is called "My Second Chance."  Ahh...there it is!  What I found interesting was a concept I think I understood but never put words to until tonight.  Instead of singing about how God is a God of second chances, she is singing about having a second chance at human love.  And, of course, it is fitting with my current life situation and my marriage.  In part of the song, she sings  "I'd marry him a thousand times.  Cause when you put him next to me, I just couldn't be without this man.  I promise to love him every moment I have.  To show him every way that I can that he's my one.  I'll never, never let him slip through my hands.  I will hold on to him forever.  Cause I know this in your plan.  My second chance to give a kind of love that's in me.  And to receive it in return."

Kris, I am SO thankful  we have been given a second chance.  At love.  At our marriage.  At building our family on the foundation that cannot be moved.

So, even though she didn't mention "second chance" during her testimony, those words were still spoken to me when I listened to her CD at home.  And let me just say this.  Her voice is AMAZING.  It doesn't SOUND like Adele, but she has the same POWER behind her voice.  She can SING.  She reminded me sometimes of Christina Perri.  But in general, I just fell in love with her voice and watching her as she sang.  You could see the passion and truth of what she is singing in her eyes and on her face.  Not to mention her crazy-awesome South African accent!

It was such an amazing experience.  And God led me to share a little bit of my story with someone else tonight.  There are a handful of people that know the details.  Or at least, the summary of the details.  I haven't told many people, but God has given me several (at least 10) opportunities since February to share what I've been through.  And now that I am finally understanding God's love for me, and his grace, he seems to just keep putting people in my path who may want/need to hear my story.

I found this on Ilanka's website, and it sound so much like where I am at right now.

"'My story is one of redemption,' Ilonka says.  I first had to be broken before God could bless me, and now I'm in a place where He can use me.  I feel so grateful for that.  I couldn't have chosen a better path for myself.'"

I feel like something is about to happen.  I don't know what.  It's just something I feel.  Like something is just going to explode.  Not in a bad way either.  I have already seen glimpses of God using my story and I have no doubt that he will continue to use it.  And all I can do is be ready and willing to share it.

On another note, remember that book Katherine convinced me to start writing?  I finished the prologue last night.  I would let you read it, but it gives away too much.  You'll have to just wait...

Have you ever...?

....found yourself in one of those moments where all you can do is shake your head and laugh?

I've eluded to some "drama" recently with Kaleb and Abbey.

The fact of the matter is that when Satan realized that he could no longer destroy my marriage, he decided to turn the tables and attack my family as a whole.  Several times, for the past week, Satan has made his presence known.

Our basement flooded during the night last Friday night.  Yes, I blame the devil.  He's evil like that...

This isn't the first time it has flooded and I am sure it won't be the last.  Kris and I found ourselves having little mini arguments over the weekend as well, WHILE TRYING TO READ SCRIPTURE.  Even in that, Satan was working overtime to come between Kris and I.  But our God is faithful.  And Kris and I persevered right on through.

I already shared my experience from Monday night; about how anxious I was and I see now that I was definitely being attacked by Satan.  Tuesday morning we woke up to more storms, literally.  After Kris had put some wet things from the basement outside to dry.  It was a tense morning but Kris and I went to breakfast and talked about life and acknowledged that we were under attack.  And laughed about how mad I got when Kris tried to turn Scripture on for us to listen to while I was trying to READ Scripture.  We were not going to lay down and let Satan defeat us. We were gonna stand, swords raised, and FIGHT BACK.

In the meantime, unbeknownst to me, that same day, Kaleb was physically violent towards someone at school.  Twice.  Two separate occasions.  And the person he hurt was a girl.  His used-to-be girlfriend.  They had apparently also exchanged mean words with one another but the incidents where he kicked her were separate from that.  She didn't tell the teacher until Wednesday, which is when I found out about it and all the drama at the house came to a head.  And when I found out, I immediately imagined him, ten years from now, sitting in jail somewhere for beating up his girlfriend.  I realize now that THAT thought came from Satan.  Where was my hope?  My mind immediately went towards defeat instead of hope.  How sad is that?

So, we got home Wednesday around 3:45pm.  Kaleb and Abbey were downstairs watching TV and I could hear them yelling at each other.  I went downstairs to deal with the situation and also talk to Kaleb about what had happened at school.  They were both lightly "disciplined".  Abbey went upstairs crying and Kaleb and I sat down to talk.

Kaleb and I were making some great progress.  He is a lot like me emotionally and he was telling me he was just a bad kid and all kinds of other crazy self-loathing nonsense (things I believed about myself for years).  I pinpointed something in that moment.  My son is carrying all the guilt and shame for every wrong thing he has ever done.  Sound familiar???  So I had Katherine bring my Bible down so I could share some of the verses about the Cross and how Jesus took our punishment.  I basically gave my testimony to my son (leaving out the very ugly details) and the conversation was going really well and I felt God moving, in my heart and Kaleb's.

And then...

Katherine came downstairs.

To tell me something.

These were her words:

"Um...Abbey ran away."

I asked her if she was serious.

She said yes.

I said "Like, she packed a bag and walked out the door?"

Yes.

Yes she did.

And Katherine, also being like me and very motherly, told me that she tried to stall her (which made me smile proudly on the inside), since she knew I was downstairs talking to Kaleb.  She said she kept trying to get her to pack more stuff but Abbey finally just left.  Walked out the door and away from the safety of our home.  Though at the rate Satan was going, our home wasn't too safe...

Upstairs and outside I flew, with Kaleb at my side.  I left Kat in charge of Olivia and set off to first, LOCATE my 9 year old.  My neighborhood isn't the greatest.  And I was worried for her safety.  And then, as I rounded the corner, away from our street, I spotted her up ahead, about half a block. So I told Kaleb we were just going to be quiet and follow her.  Make sure she stayed safe and see where she would walk to.

She wound up walking around the block.  I could see her up ahead, just looking around and walking.  When we got back around to the front of the house, she spotted us.  So, I sent Kaleb back up to the house and stood in the yard talking to Abbey.  I asked her why she was running away.

She said she wanted to find better parents.

I asked her why.

She said "Because I'm always getting hurt."

Remember, I had lightly "disciplined" her and she ran upstairs while I stayed downstairs and talked to Kaleb.

I said to her, "Abbey, when was the last one of your parents 'hurt' you."  She thought for a long moment, and then said "I don't remember."  I told her I didn't remember either.  And so I said "Are you really ALWAYS getting hurt?"  She acknowledged that she was not, but she was still determined to find new parents.

I asked her if I could walk with her and help her.  She said I couldn't, because she was looking for new parents and me not being there "was the point".  I think she said "That's kind of the point"  It's funny. You can laugh.  I asked her if she had packed clean panties.  She did.  I asked if she had her Bible.  She did not.  I asked if she had her Laura Ingalls Wilder book that she is supposed to finish reading for a book report that was due a week ago.  I wish I had taken a picture of her standing there.  Holding this blue bag, slung across her chest, with a full bottle of ice water.

We began walking.  I asked her why she really wanted to run away.  We sat down around the corner from my house.  She told me that no one cared about her and that she was geeky.  I found out that someone at school had said that because she wore glasses she was geeky.  She was brokenhearted.  She was feeling sad and alone and like no one cared for her.  And she didn't care if she lived or died.  SOUND FAMILIAR?

It is amazing how, in different ways, these kids are all just like me, struggling with things that I struggle with.  I proceeded to basically have the SAME conversation with Abbey that I had with Kaleb.  About how God had changed my heart.  About how Satan was attacking her mind.  About how Satan tells me lies too.  That I'm not good enough.  That I'm a bad mom.  That I'm not pretty.  And I explained to her that we have to recognize those lies and fight fire with fire.  When Satan attacks, we have to be prepared to throw God's word back in Satan's face.

Then I had a thought.  And I shared it with Abbey.

"Hey Abbey?  You know how God is a Father?"

She did.

"Well, today, instead of finding new parents, can you try to let God be your father first?  Can we try it God's way?"

She agreed.

So we set off towards home.

In that moment, walking back to my house, I had a very clear picture of what Satan was trying to do.  I hustled everyone into the house (with great urgency) and sat them before me, like we were about to have children's church or something.  And I suppose in some ways we did.  I was very blunt with them.  Here is what I told them, though it is probably not word for word because I don't have THAT good of a memory:

"For the last twelve years Satan has tried to destroy mine and Daddy's marriage.  And he almost succeeded.  Not long ago, I was done.  I was ready to give up.  I wanted to run away.  But God intervened and Satan can no longer destroy our marriage.  So you know what he's doing?  He's trying to destroy our family.  I refuse to let Satan do that.  He is NOT ALLOWED in this house!!  He is attacking all of you.  He's attacking your minds.  He's filling them with lies.  He is telling Kaleb he has to carry his guilt and shame.  He's telling Abbey that she's not beautiful and that no one cares.  We are not going to let him destroy us.  We have to fight back.  We have to have our swords ready.  God gave us the Bible as our sword.  I want to buy a freakin' sword to hang on the wall to remind us."

At this point, Katherine started laughing at my wanting to "buy a freakin' sword".  She just thought it sounded so funny.  I was pretty passionate in my "speech" at that point, and serious about buying a REAL sword to hang on my wall.  I want to inscribe "As for me and my house, WE WILL SERVE THE LORD." on it.  Sidebar-when Kris got home and I told him I wanted a sword, he went downstairs and brought up this cheap, plastic Lord of the Rings replicate hobbit sword.

No.

Not good enough.

I want a REAL sword.

Because we are in a REAL battle.

We'll have to save up for it.  Someday I will have a sword on my wall.  For now, though, I explained to the kids that we needed to be ready to fight.  We needed Scriptures that we could use that would help us when Satan throws his arrows and lies at us.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, a shift occurred.  There was no longer tension and instead, a calm had settled over our home.  I realized later (just yesterday during counseling) that Satan had HAD to flee.  We were fighting back and he had to leave.  Can you imagine how disappointed he must have been????  I can almost see him slinking away with his head hung in defeat.  A month ago, I would not have been equipped to handle this situation; and I certainly would not have recognized the enemy and the battle that was going on in and around my house.

Livvy had wandered off, as any bored-at-this-point-six-year-old would do.  But Kaleb sat there reading (though resistant) my verses I had written down about being free from guilt and shame, and about the Cross.  Abbey was looking up verses about beauty and her appearance and underlining things in her Bible.  At one point, towards the beginning of this, (and I wonder if this isn't exactly when Satan realized he had lost that battle for the time being and fled) Abbey let her Bible fall open.  It is an Adventure Bible and she saw, among a list of other "topics" something about Jesus being tempted by the devil.  She then proceeded to READ out loud the entire story of when Jesus was tempted and how he responded to Satan's temptations.  I do not think that is coincidence that she "stumbled" upon that, and I told Abbey as much.  I told her that God had given her a gift just then.  A little something special.  He gave her that passage at just the right time.  It was a really cool moment.

Katherine, in the meantime, was making a list of the Ten Commandments.  In her words.  She explained she wanted a big poster to put it on, so we could hang it in our house.  She also said "Mommy you should write a book."  I said "I will someday."  She said "I'm serious.  You should write a book."  I told her I planned to.  She went on the press and say "No, you should start it NOW."  I told her that I sort of already was, through my blog; as much of what I have learned and written in my blog will someday wind up in a book in some form.  She persisted and has now convinced me that I need to just go ahead and start an actual manuscript for my book.  I told her she wouldn't be able to read it until she was 21.  She asked why.  I told her because there was a LOT of bad stuff in it.  Not-kid-appropriate stuff.  She said "What about when I'm 18?"  If I finish the book before she is 18 (that gives me about 6.5 years), we'll talk about it.  It has the makings of a good "story".  I'm so thankful it has a happy ending.  In February, it wouldn't have had a happy ending.  I had no hope.  But thanks to God, it will.

So, that is the long version of what happened on Wednesday that I couldn't get around to writing about until now.  Because you know with me, there is no SHORT version of anything.  That is likely why I spent the last 7 years wandering and lost in sin and my entire life misunderstanding the Cross.  I couldn't just be lost for 3 months.  It had to be a LONG time.  Have you ever noticed how complicated WE make things sometimes?

You know, something my mother-in-law said to me, something she tried to comment on my blog (but was quite unsuccessful at), keeps coming back to me.  I am 33.  I keep talking about how my life changed at 33.  And she reminded me that Jesus was around thirty three when he died.

For me.

On that Cross.

The Cross that took me 33 years to understand.

Coincidence?

Absolutely not!

Wow...what a week...

I'm still not in a place to tell you the funny story about Abbey running away, and everything that happened with Kaleb and how Satan is trying to destroy our family, since he has found that he can't destroy my marriage anymore.  But tonight, I am on a race against the clock, or the medication, really.  So I still can't sit and think and focus long enough to write that story down yet.  I'm not sure I'll be able to finish this one but we shall see what happens...

I did want to share something that happened to me today.  I haven't prayed in a long time.  Since Good Friday, I've tried to just be still and listen and rest in God's presence.  On a couple occasions I've silently, in my head, brought a request before the Lord.  Most recently, I've been using songs and Scripture and other people's prayers as a way of praying because I'm not really sure what form it should take for me.  I don't think there is a universal answer.  I think I am meant to stumble along on this journey back to God and discover what it really means to pray, both by and for myself, and with and for others.

Today, I was burdened with the knowledge that God wanted me to pray for my children.  After the attacks of the enemy on not just Kris and me, but on our children and their precious young minds, it was clear that I needed to pray with and over them.  So I determined that, even though I have always hated praying out loud, I was going to use the "time" we spend at night with each kid individually picking a verse in the Bible, praying for them, and praying said verse over them.

I cannot even begin to describe to you what happened tonight.  I couldn't effectively put words to what happened in my heart.  I'm sure Satan is throwing a temper tantrum right now because I claimed the victory Christ gave me and fought FOR my children.  I cried when I prayed with the older three kids.  It was so easy.  Not the crying part, but the praying.  Well, truth be told, the crying came easily as well.  No longer did I sit there trying to work up the courage to pray or think of what I wanted to say first.  I just jumped in.  Dove really.  I was so eager to get started I had to tell a couple of them, "We'll talk about that in a minute.  I really need to do this right now."

It was so liberating.  The tears I cried poured forth out of an overwhelming love for my children and an understanding that I was doing something so right.  So beneficial for all of us.  So necessary.  My kids don't have to fight against Satan alone.  I am fighting with them.  I'm fighting for them.  And to top it off, God is going before all of us!

So that I have a reference later, I prayed Zechariah 3 over Kaleb.  I prayed Psalm 139 over Abbey.    I prayed Ephesians 4:25-32 over Katherine.  All of those speak to them where they are at right now and it was so amazing.  With Livvy, she brought me a little children's story book Bible and asked me to read the story about the ten lepers that Jesus healed.  And we talked briefly about the one who came back, and I just prayed over her that God would help her to always be the one that comes back to Jesus and thanks him.  That she would always remember God and what Jesus did for her.

Always, always, ALWAYS when I would pray in the past, I found it difficult to stay focused and spend more than a minute praying.  But with the kids, with the timer set for 5 minutes each time, I went over.  I kept praying.  Until I felt like I was done.  It was so amazing and powerful.  I felt ALIVE.  And that feeling and sense of being alive is something I have only ever felt in the midst of sin (even though what felt like life was really death).  What an amazing difference!!!  I cried and I prayed and I fought for my kids.  And I intend to do this every night.

It isn't at all where I think my prayer life should be ultimately.  HOWEVER...it's a start.  I went from having no clue how to pray, to praying for my children.  Out loud.  With them.  Praying Scripture over them.  And it was really easy!  I suppose that part comes from God removing my heart of stone and giving me a heart of flesh.  It is vitally important to me that my children understand that they, even at this young age, are being pursued by the devil.  But even more so, that God is fighting for them, going ahead of them, and giving them victory.  I want them to understand the Bible verses they memorize and know how they apply to their lives.  I want them to feel the hand of God and hear his words and see his power work in their young lives.  I want them to "get it" NOW, before they go through the heartache that Kris and I endured.

I love the old hymn "What a Friend We Have in Jesus".  Not because it talks about Jesus as our friend (though it does).  But because it talks about taking things to God to prayer. "Oh what peace we often forfeit.  Oh what needless pain we bear.  All because we do not carry EVERYTHING to God in prayer."  The verses to this song are powerful too.  I love the way the hymns usually show a progression.  And just because I can't resist the chance to throw in a video, here you go.




And to wrap this up, my eyes are blurry and I have absolutely no idea if there are any spelling or grammar errors.  Kindly correct them quietly in your head and carry on.  Thanks!

Playing With Pinterest - Week 4

Today was...well...it's hard to describe.  Between one kid doing something that could send him to jail if he were older and another one literally packing a bag and walking out of the house and down the street (while I was talking to the other child), I'm drained.  I was going to come home from Bible study and write all about it.  And I find that I can't.  I'm just too "done" emotionally right now.  Even though the story of Abbey running away is actually quite amusing (which I can say because she is tucked safely in her bed now), I just don't feel up to writing about it tonight. Perhaps because I know that it is late and it won't be a short post.  So, we are just going to stick to Pinterest finds from this week.  Is everyone OK with that?  If you're not...ask me if I care.  ;-)

So...let's see what I found on Pinterest this week!  And I'm just sticking to the "Signs/Quotes I Love" board tonight because I need a something "light" and because I didn't bake anything from my "Must Try Recipes" board.  

SO TRUE!

We're going to make a picture like this for our house.

We all know that is true!!!

Well, that's all I have the mental capacity for tonight.  Tomorrow is a new day!  Hopefully no one will run away or act irrational.  Who am I kidding?  I have four kids...