you belong

The two words above caught my eye as I was leaving the gym tonight. Oh yeah, I joined a gym tonight. We can't afford the Y. We can't afford this gym either. So, I am using my own spending money, as little as it is, to pay for it. Don't worry. I'll still have enough for my tea. Just not every day. Unless people throw QT gift cards at me.

Back to the gym.

A friend told me about this place and I decided to try it out. Oh yeah, also, Kris and I started Weight Watchers (unofficially) last Monday. He lost 4.4 lbs and I lost sadly-not-quite-two-pounds. I know, I know. Men lose weight faster than women. Screw that. I joined Planet Fitness! So, maybe the closest location is 26 minutes from my house, and maybe I'll have to give up some tea. But I loved it from the moment I read "unlimited tanning, unlimited guest passes (i.e. Kris could actually go with me whenever...), unlimited red light therapy ("supposedly" gets rid of stretch marks and cellulite we'll see), unlimited use of massage chairs (that's right!), and unlimited fitness training."

When I went in, I was not disappointed. I immediately felt a sense of warmth and acceptance. I can't really express it in words. It just felt right. Perhaps part of it is just knowing that I am doing something I know I should be doing. Working out. Eating right. Finally losing this weight.

you belong

While I was driving home, my mind kept flipping back and forth between two topics. Memories and this concept of belonging. My mind was once again flooded with unwanted memories. I had to fight against the devil, who tried his hardest to make me remember those times fondly, when I knew that God meant for me to see them for what they were: lies. And I'll tell you this. Recovery is not easy. Like Kris' addiction, in a sense, I too am recovering from an addiction. And there are still pulls. These memories of "good times" still plague my mind. I have to fight against them like an alcoholic has to fight against a craving for just a sip. I cannot give in to just one memory. That will give Satan a foothold that he so desperately wants. And I am not a child of His anymore. I belong to Christ. I have been made new.

I hadn't gotten very far in my wrestling with the devil when "coincidentally" the song I posted Sunday came on. I smiled and thanked God for reminding me who I am. When I needed it the most. Immediately following that, Matt Maher's Christ is Risen came on. I once again found myself in tears, so extremely grateful that Christ took my sins and freed me from the bondage that had held me captive for so long.

you belong

I continued pondering this concept of belonging.

I belong.

To Planet Fitness.

And to God.

You belong.

I was sorting through how I could write about this topic. I was feeling very emotional and so full of joy at the same time. We serve a great and mighty God, full of grace and forgiveness. God continually gives me reminders of His grace and forgiveness. "Oh death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory?" Those memories will not keep me down. My past will no longer leave me filled with guilt and shame. Hey Satan...where is your victory? "Christ has risen from the dead, trampling over death by death!"

Because of what Christ did on the Cross, because the Father is always waiting with open arms (like the woman at the end of the upcoming video),

you belong

And as if God hadn't already shown me enough love and kindness through music, He gave me a NEW song too. Not a coincidence! As the song came on, I looked at the title and heard the first few words; and then I had this thought: "Wouldn't that be cool if this song said something about belonging?" Surprise, surprise...it did! There is a line in this song (I kid you not!) that says "Have you been looking for a place where you belong?" It continued playing as I pulled into my driveway. I cannot even begin to count the number of times since April 6th that I have sat in my driveway sobbing, as a song played on JoyFM.

Guess what?!?!

you belong



Do you ever feel like you don't belong? Let me assure you, one more time.

you belong

Satan's a Jerk!

You know...I'm angry. Indignation. That's what I am feeling right now. "Anger aroused by something unjust, unworthy, or mean." Satan in mean!

If you've been reading for a while, you'll know that I've talked a lot about consequences or collateral damage. I've shared with you part of my story-some of the mistakes I have made. The bad choices and the hurt I have inflicted on others. Today I experienced some collateral damage.

I had a wonderful morning at church, which I wrote about earlier today. I had a great day overall, really. I got to hang out with a friend, shop and talk; while my mother-in-law watched the kids and Kris went mountain biking. All in all, it was a good day.

But in the midst of it, the enemy tried to pounce. Well, he didn't just try. He DID pounce. He hit me with a memory. These memories, while not at the forefront of my mind these days, are still there. There was nothing to provoke the memory. No scent in the air. No song playing on the radio. No piece of clothing or sight of something or someone to connect the memory with. The memory just appeared in my mind.

For the old Jamie, this was a good memory. This was a memory that the old Jamie would have savored and cherished. Even though I died to my old self and live in Christ now, the old Jamie still walks around somewhere, carrying a sack full of memories.

For the new Jamie, this memory is collateral damage. It is something that has to be taken captive and surrendered to Christ. It can be harmful to me, if I allow myself to indulge in the memory. And that is exactly what Satan wanted me to do. He slammed this memory into my mind abruptly and savagely. And my first instinct was to smile and think back to the time when that memory was made. To dwell on it and savor it, and remember.

Immediately, my survival instincts kicked in and I recognized that Satan was shooting arrows at me. My flesh was drawn to this one specific memory. A memory that I hadn't thought about in six months. A memory that I had actually forgotten, until it was right there in my face. My shield went up and I tried to deflect Satan's arrows. And yet, the memory lingered. The desire to revisit it was strong. I was at war today, in my mind.

Because Kris and I have this alliance, I knew that I needed to tell him and I knew that I had to tell him specifically what the memory was. And I knew that it would hurt him. There was never a part of me that didn't want to tell him. I knew I was going to tell him. I knew that I HAD to tell him, if I was to steal the enemy's power. So I emailed him. Partly because it was the best means at the time, and also because I didn't think that I could look into his eyes and tell him, knowing that I would see hurt and pain. It saddened me to tell him, because I don't want him to have to think back to the pain that the old Jamie caused him. But I told him anyway, and as I was driving home tonight (he was on his way home too with the kids), I felt so sorrowful.

And then it happened.

Again.

A song.

At just the right time.

In that moment, as soon as the song began, I burst into tears. I felt God's presence and knew that He was getting into my mind before Satan could. This is the song that played, and I kid you not, it was on until the moment I pulled into my driveway.

And it was just what I needed.

A soothing balm for my hurting soul.

I am constantly reminded of how good God is.

And, apparently, constantly crying.



Does this song speak to you?