Music That Moves Me - Week 2

Exactly two months ago today I was staying at my friend Jennifer's house.  Not just for the day.  Or for the night.  For several nights.  I asked Kris if he was OK with me sharing this on here, so just know that he has given his approval for me to share this.

As I mentioned in previous posts, Kris and I are in marriage counseling, and it wasn't just for the "fun" of it.  Believe me.  It's not fun!  However, it is EXTREMELY beneficial (and all the crying is very therapeutic too thanks for that Tony)!  And if you want to keep your marriage and family in tact, I highly recommend it.

A very small amount of people know "our story".  Over the years, I think that more people will hear our story and I am praying that lives and marriages will be changed, because of what Kris and I have not only endured, but have also triumphed over, through God's grace.

Two months ago, I didn't know what I wanted.  I didn't know if I wanted to be married anymore.  I didn't know how to deal with life and marriage and kids, in addition to all the other stress factors in my life at the time.  I didn't know how to be alone, but I knew that I had to choose.  Kris and the kids.  Or being alone.

It was during this time, reflecting on my life at Jennifer's, that Kris began emailing me.  His emails are etched onto my heart.  He was pursuing me.  He was wooing me.  Just like God had been trying to do.  I didn't deserve it.  He didn't deserve my love and forgiveness, and the same could be said of me.  We are fallen, broken people.  We have hurt each other deeply.  When I see marriages fall apart around me, on a monthly, if not weekly basis, I think "If Kris and I can get through what we've been through and come out stronger than ever, can't others?"  I believe that they can.  I also believe that getting out of a bad marriage isn't always the best course of action.  Please don't feel judged.  I'm not talking to or about anyone in particular.  But sometimes I feeling like divorce is the easy way out.  Or at least, we think it is.  But sooner or later, something will happen.  Something will change.  Something will not work out and we will be left more miserable than we were when we were married.  It is the nature of things.

All I really know about the transformation in our marriage is that God intervened.  God orchestrated a certain set of events that set something in motion that would change the way I would live my life these last two months.  Two months ago, I wasn't sure I wanted to go home.  I was seriously sitting at Jennifer's house, trying to figure out how I could survive on my own.  And in the midst of this, Kris was emailing me.  He was calling me.  Things he hadn't done since we were dating.  And he was saying things that he wanted, things he loved about me.  Things I never thought I would hear him say.  And in the process of those next two days, he began to win my heart back.

You see, I had pushed God over into the corner, so as not to be a hypocrite.  I wasn't going to "fake" being a Christian AND keep living a life that was not consistent with the Bible.  I had closed myself off from Kris, emotionally.  I didn't care what happened between us.  I just knew that something had to change.  That's why I went to stay with Jennifer for a few days.  I needed some time and space to figure out what I wanted.

At that point, I knew that my relationship with God was pretty much non-existent.  I wasn't anywhere close to ready to deal with THAT.  I first had to figure out if I wanted to fight for a marriage I wasn't sure could be saved.  I think that I gave up on our marriage a long time ago.  It all came to a head just over two months ago, and I made the choice to move out for a few days.

It was during this time that Kris really began to see things in a new light.  He realized that his own issues had to change and he also realized that what he really wanted was to spend his life with me.  I didn't see it at the time.  I was blinded by my own run from God.  I always say how much I hate running - but it seemed so much easier running from God, than towards him.  But upon realizing all of these, for the first time in our entire marriage, he began to communicate those things to me.  He won my heart.

So that Sunday, January 19th, I decided to go home, a day earlier than I had planned.  I was terrified.  I wasn't sure what the future would hold.  I had long since given up hope that certain things would/could change.  But I knew that I didn't want to be alone.  And that isn't my only reason for going home.  Sure there was fear about how to provide for myself, without a job or knowing what the next step was.  I'll get to the real reason I chose to go home in a minute.

But I want to go ahead and share with you my first song in my Music That Moves Me series this week.  During the time that I was staying with Jennifer, I heard a song on the radio.  It sounded so much like the things Kris was trying to tell me.  And though I wasn't sure I could believe he would ever really want me again or love me fully, I told him about the song, and it sort of became our first meaningful song together.  It's called "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz.  His song to me.  It reminded me of everything Kris seemed to be trying to show/tell me.  The line that really moves me is "When you're needing your space to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find."  Kris let me have the space I needed, waited patiently, until I came home and told him what I had found.



On February 19, 2012, I woke up with a certainty that I wanted to go home to Kris.  Not because he was willing to take me back.  Not because he was all I had.  Sure...there was some of that.  But the biggest reason I went home is because I WANTED to go home.  You see, over the two days between that Friday and the Sunday I went home, I could see and hear a complete change in Kris.  It was as if I was meeting him for the first time.  In fact, that is why we "started over" so to speak. It's why I call him my boyfriend.  Some day, we will buy each other new wedding rings and renew our vows.  This time understanding what they really mean and doing everything in our power to live by them.

While I was driving home that Sunday night, I heard a song on the radio.  I had heard it once or twice, and because it was by Christina Perri, I already loved it.  And who cares that it is on the soundtrack of Twilight.  That doesn't change the fact that the lyrics moved me to tears.  I was driving along, tears streaming down my face, understanding that the words in that song WERE MY LIFE.  They were what my heart had been searching for and they expressed my heart in away I didn't even realize at first.  The song is called "For A Thousand Years" and when we do renew our vows, I know what I will engrave on Kris' ring.



I wanted my husband back. I wanted to meet this new man, for the first time.;  I realized that I loved him so fiercely, and didn't even know it!

"I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling don't be afraid; I have loved you for a thousand years.
I'll love you for a thousand more.
And all along, I believed that I would find you.
Time has brought your heart to and I have loved you for a thousand years.
I'll love you for a thousand more."

You see...for 12 1/2 years, I really felt like I was dying every day, waiting for Kris to give me his WHOLE heart.  And I realized that even though I was scared and unsure of what the future would hold, and even more, terrified that there was no hope for change, I loved him with such ferocity.  I didn't even know it.  And in that moment, listening to the song, I knew those words depicted my heart.  And while I gave up hope about 7 years ago, I realized that deep down, I had always believed I would find him.  I love the line "Time has brought your heart to me..."  Because this is how it happened to us.  It took a long time.  It took longer than we would have liked and caused so much hurt along the way, but finally, Time (GOD) brought his heart to me, and I realized I had always loved him, and would love him for as long as I have breathe in my lungs and a beating in my heart.

And, last but not least, there is a song that has sort of become our "theme" song, if you will.  Our song.  The song that defines us and gives us hope and strength for the days to follow.  We heard it by chance and the lyrics are just amazing.  Too profound for me to put into words.  We wake up to it (and a few other important-to-us songs) every morning.  And Kris holds me while we listen.  It is a daily reminder of what we want and what we are striving for.

It's called "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt.  There are so many lyrics that jump out at me in this song and I could literally spend all night tearing it apart, breaking it down and showing you how the lines spoke to my heart.  But for now, I will just show you the video.



Favorite lines for different reasons:

--"I can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole." (I think Kris and I tried to do this for 12 1/2 years...)

--"Cause you're worth every falling tear; you're worth facing any fear. You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough. Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start." (Kris' promise to me, which brings a lot of comfort to someone who, for years, never felt like they were "worth it".)

--"I won't let sadness steal you from my arms. I won't let pain keep you from my heart. I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I'll share with you."

--"So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed. You're worth all of me. All of me."

--"You're gonna have ALL of me."

I think that's enough for today.  I had better get off of here before I start mindlessly typing gibberish.

--Or, in my case, fall asleep and find myself sitting up on the couch with my laptop still in my lap (which happens to have occurred, evidenced by the fact that this wasn't posted when I woke up on the couch at 3am).--

For more on Music That Moves Me, check out this post.

Phone Photo Fun!

I stumbled upon this cute "meme" where you post pictures that are on your cell phone each week.  Thought I would join in this week.  Here's what I found on my phone.

There's something just so wrong with this sign..."The Best 12 Inches in the Midwest"...REALLY?

Newest necklace I made today.

Close up of the beads on the necklace

Close up of the center of the necklace

New skirt I made (and wore yesterday!).  The jewelry above was to match this.

Best. Breakfast. Ever.

So there you have it.  Not too exciting, except for the bacon.  ;-)  Though I do really love my new skirt and necklace!

Google Reader

I used to read a lot of different blogs.  It was fun, and relaxing.  Google Reader made it really easy.  But when I would lapse, I would eventually return, finding that I had over 1,000 blog posts that were unread.  And I did what any good blogger and blog reader does and marked them all as "read".  Too many times I found myself in this position.  Somehow I got away from reading through my favorite blogs altogether.  Some were written by Godly women and since I was on the run from God, I avoided anything that would remind me of God and what was right.

I'm just now trying to get back to rediscovering all my favorite bloggers.  Today, feeling very agitated and restless, I decided to try to pick up where I left off.  To dig back into the souls and lives of people I've never met and catch up on their lives.  There is a lot to be said for the blogging community. Especially the women and mothers.  You really can find a lot of love and support there.

Today was no exception.  I just stumbled across something that really seemed to describe what I was feeling, and it was a good reminder to me that this new journey I am on is something I have to continue focusing on, minute by minute.

Heidi, over at ...with thankful hearts... wrote this, and it really helped to put my mind and restless heart at ease today.

"Sometimes I feel God's presence much in the same manner than Piglet felt the wind of Winds-day. I feel as if I am holding on for dear life as He swirls above and below me... rocking my world. I think I fear the wind less as I experience it. I'm learning that He has me and He is trustworthy. He will never let go!"

Which of course reminds me of "Never Let Go" by David Crowder Band.  And before I get back to being positive, what is it about his voice that annoys me so much?  So many of their songs have great lyrics, and yet his voice drives me insane!  ANYWAY...back to the blog...

You never let go.
You never let go.
You never let go.
You never let go.

There is something to be said for repetition in some songs.  Thank God that You never let me go!  I needed to be reminded of this tonight.

And then I got to thinking about Rich Mullins. I'm not sure why.  Likely because Jesus wanted to soothe my soul.  And while it isn't the day for "Music That Moves Me", you get this video for free.  It may cost you tomorrow.

The song "Hold Me Jesus" kept running through my head, so of course, I went to YouTube and listened to it.  This song has been around for a very long time, and I haven't heard it since maybe 1998.  And while I knew it would be powerful to me, with my new perspective on God and the Cross, I didn't expect to be so moved and so comforted by it.  It is amazing to me how often, and how deeply, God speaks to me through music.  I'm grateful for it.



Besides the obvious lyrics in the chorus that bring me comfort ("hold me Jesus, cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.  You have been King of my glory.  Won't you be my Prince of Peace."), there is a part of the song that reminded me of what I've done, where I've been, what Christ has done FOR me, and where I am going.

"Surrender don't come natural to me.
I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want
Than take what You give that I need.
And I beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees."

Hold me, Jesus.  That is my prayer tonight.

Ungrateful little brats!

Look at these kids.  They look so innocent.  So sweet and loving.  Kind and respectful.

Don't let them fool you.  They're ungrateful little brats.  And yes.  I DO LOVE THEM.

But let me just tell you how I woke up this morning.

By now, my kids (Seriously, thank you God!) are old enough to feed themselves breakfast.  It's the weekend and we just got paid on Friday.  I hadn't had time to go to the store yet to replenish the staples.  But I didn't really expect to hear this, as I groggily came to life:

Kaleb - "Put your cereal bowls away.  Mom still didn't buy any milk."

Oh, did I forget to mention that we had a similar situation yesterday morning, around the same time?

Kaleb - "We can't have cereal because Mommy didn't go to the store!"

He sounded so agitated and exasperated.  Yesterday, Kris and I just lay there in bed, laughing at the sheer audacity of my apparent failures as a mother/grocery shopper.  How DARE I not go to the store????  How dare we not have any milk for two days, after THEY drank 3 gallons in 3 days???  What is wrong with me? What kind of mother am I?

So this morning, after hearing his similar statement, when I finally did get up, I said to him "If I hear one more ungrateful remark about me not buying milk yet, I will never buy you milk again!  We bought more milk this last pay period than we have bought in your entire lives!" I totally DID NOT get all drama queen-ish on them...  

I will state now, for the record (so you can put down the phones and stop dialing child services), we have THREE gallons of milk in the fridge.  Which will be gone likely by Wednesday.

Crazy kids!!

Also, just for a little added humor, I came across a post I had started about a year ago and found something funny that Olivia had said, but I had never posted it.  So, I thought I would share it here now.

Olivia:  "Mommy you have two choices.  You can either give me money or let me play on your phone today.  I'll be your best friend forever.  Those are your only choices."

Me:  "No."

Olivia:  "Then you have to give me all your money."

I love those kids so much!!!

Why do I worry again?

I have two things we all know it will be more than 2 to say.

First and foremost, I'm an idiot.

Second, God is good.

When we were at counseling yesterday and our counselor asked that I be open to restitution and making amends with those I have hurt, I had NO idea God would set up a divine meeting for the SAME DAY!

The friend I referred to yesterday texted me last night, asking if she and I could meet to talk.  This sent me into a severe panic attack, during which I was sick to my stomach and felt like my world was spinning out of control.  I KNEW God wasn't going to let me off that easily...just writing a letter of apology.

But really?

THE SAME NIGHT?

If you have ever thought that God doesn't have a sense of humor, trust me.  He does.  Where do you think I get it?  ;-)

In retrospect, the way it all worked out was really better for me emotionally than had it happened any other way.  Had I known my friend had knowledge of the information she now holds prior to her email confronting it, I likely would have been in an even more agitated and panicky state than I already was, upon learning she knew of this information.  In addition, I spent the greater part of Thursday night and most of Friday trying to assuage my anxiety.  Likely, if we had not met up last night to talk and cry it out, I'd still be a mess of anxiety today. And really, I believe it is preparing me for a different, scarier meeting down the road with one other friend, that I am sure will come some day.  (Dear God, please don't let it be today.  Please?!?)

My first thought, when she said she wanted to meet with me, was to run away.  To be a coward.  To refuse to face my actions, to face her and admit what I had done, apologize and hope that she would someday be able to forgive me.  That thought was immediately replaced with the counselor's voice saying "I want you to be open to making amends" and God saying "Take heart.  I'm right beside you."

All of this took place in my mind, in a matter of seconds, and my decision to go was made before I even told Kris I was going out.  We spent a few minutes talking about it and he prayed with me, and then I left to go meet her.  We sat in a fast food parking lot for two hours, talking and crying.  She extended to me forgiveness and love, even though I had hurt her deeply.  A few weeks ago, I would have left there feeling like the worst person to ever live, constantly inflicting punishment upon myself that Christ already took for me on the Cross.  Instead, I left there KNOWING I am a wretched sinner, but FEELING the freedom that comes from really understanding the Cross.

The way that she handled the situation is to be commended.  She could have done any number of things.  She could have screamed at me.  She could have punched me in the throat.  She could have cursed at me.  She could have shown me hatred and contempt. All of these would have been understood by me and justified on her part.  Instead, she did something that, while uncharacteristic of MOST people in her situation, was so very characteristic of her.  She loved me.  She showed understanding and compassion, in the midst of her own sorrow and confusion and grief over the pain that I had caused her.  Only a sincere relationship with God can allow a person to do this.

Most of you know that I don't do hugs.  I don't like to be touched.  Somehow, as the conversation progressed, I just knew that I would wind up hugging her before the night ended.  And so when she prayed with me at the close of our conversation and asked if she could get a hug, it seemed the most natural thing to do.  It wasn't uncomfortable and in fact, brought a great deal of comfort to me.  It was healing.  I was making amends.  I was doing whatever I could to make restitution for the harm I had caused her.  And it felt good.  I think it was something we both needed.  I don't think in the entire 10+ years I have known her that I have ever hugged her.  And while our friendship can't really continue at this point in time, we both got the closure we needed to move ahead in our lives.  I am deeply saddened that my actions cost us our friendship, but again, consequences.  Collateral damage.  God will give us both the strength we need to heal from the loss of that friendship.

And God brought good out of it.  I went into it terrified, yet doing my best to be strong and courageous.  To trust God.  To give my anxiety to Him and allow Him to care for me.  And He proved faithful.  As always.

Which brings me back to my first two points.

I'm an idiot.

God is good.

Anxiety

There are many different versions of the Bible.  My favorite is the New Living Translation.  I feel like it's more "in your face".  More harsh in some senses, and harsh isn't always bad.  Sometimes you need to see things in a new and different light.  But there is one passage that I have come to love and appreciate in the NIV translation.  And today especially, it is on my heart and I am trying to live by it. I'm not sure what it looks like or how to really accomplish it, but I have been in a constant state of panic today.  Anxious doesn't even begin to describe it.  Yes, there is Xanax, and I am truly thankful to have that.  And perhaps it is time to take it again, but I thought I would write first, pray and try to seek solace and comfort in God too.

While I am very upset that the QT I went to this afternoon did NOT have my white peach tea for me, that isn't the only reason I am anxious.  ;-)  I'm anxious over the thought of amends.  Of restitution.  What is restitution?  Doing a quick Google search, I found two definitions.

1.  The restoration of something lost or stolen to its proper owner.
2.  Recompense for injury or loss.

Amends can be described as compensation.

And while I am partly talking about making amends in some way, at some point in time with my friend that I wrote about yesterday, I am talking about more than just her.  There are other people I have hurt.  People to whom I must make amends.  It scares me.  Actually, what really scares me isn't the part where I try to compensate those that I have hurt.  What scares me is that a time will come when I have to sit down, face to face, with a few people and apologize and be vulnerable and broken before them.  It isn't their reaction that scares me.  God will do what He is going to do, and I trust that He will honor my choosing to make restitution for pain that I have caused.

What scares me is the confrontation itself.  I have NEVER been good in face to face confrontation. I usually wither into a crumbled mess of tears and am unable to speak.  And I wonder if God will one day call me to this, or if it will be another consequence for my mistakes.  It would be easy and comfortable for me to write letters to the people I have wronged.  That is why I suspect that God will not simply allow me to write my thoughts.  I don't know why I think that.  I just do.  Not that God is malicious or vindictive.  But I think that sometimes, He doesn't want us to be comfortable.  Sometimes, our actions are such that we NEED to have the courage to stand before someone and admit that we have done them wrong.  That we have caused them pain.  And while I think, when called to it, I could gather my strength, lean on HIS strength to face those people, I worry still over whether or not I will physically be capable of speaking actual words, instead of just sobbing.

All of that to say that my anxiety is pointless.  I don't have to bear this burden alone.  And to get back to my actual point in writing, I love the way that the NIV words 1 Peter 5:7, since anxiety is a very real hindrance in my life.  It says simply this:

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Other versions use the word cares.  But the NIV uses anxiety.  So what does it look like to cast my anxiety on Him?  Seriously, someone tell me what does it look like?  Enlighten me.  I am not sure how to do this!  And yet, I know that I must.  I have always let fear and anxiety control my life.  And through this process where God is making me new, He is showing me that I need to give my anxiety over to Him as well.  I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  About finding a way to take my anxiety and fears and let God care for me instead; rather than relying solely on Xanax to get me through the days and the panic attacks.  I don't know what form it takes.  Whether it is through prayer, reading the Bible, listening to hymns/praise & worship music, or all of the above.

I am not sure where to start, aside from simply acknowledging to God that I am anxious.  And asking Him to care for me.  Perhaps it is that simple.  I know that I can't just stop my medication cold turkey, but I wonder if I shouldn't use some of these times, instead of reaching for the medication bottle immediately, to cast my anxiety on God FIRST.  As I write this, "Everlasting God" by Chris Tomlin just started playing.

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.
We will wait upon the Lord.
We will wait upon the Lord"

I think I have my answer.

Consequences

There are always consequences for our actions.  Sometimes we get away with things easily.  Not that we get away with them so much as the repercussions aren't always in the public, for everyone to see.  Sometimes our actions affect only us.  Other times, they affect many different people, in many different ways.  There will always be consequences.  Whether you have done something good or bad, something will happen as a result.  We love when we've done something good and someone says "thank you" or we can see a life being changed.  But when we've done something bad, and the consequence comes, it's not always so "pretty".  In fact, it can be downright ugly.  For example, when you lie about something to just one person, usually it only impacts you and that person, depending on the lie.  But there are other things that carry far heavier consequences, that stretch beyond just you and the other person.  If I were to murder someone (I HAVE NO PLANS TO DO THIS), it not only affects me and said victim.  It affects the loved ones of the person killed.  It affects society and how they view the killer.  And it affects the killer's family as well.  Some actions have "greater", more obvious consequences.

And sometimes, there are actions that, while they affect many people, they can stay contained.  The consequences aren't AS widespread.  I lost a very close friend today, because of something in my past.  When she learned of it, the consequences of my actions affected her and essentially ruined our friendship, which came as no surprise.  I completely understand her telling me that our friendship could not continue.  She didn't respond to me in anger, which I am truly grateful for; I think she was more in shock than anything else right now.  I'm sure the anger will come soon enough.  But the loss of that 13 year friendship is a consequence for my actions.

In the past, I would have taken that guilt and shame for my actions, and for the following destruction of the friendship.  I would have let them weigh me down and bury me.  Suffocating me until I was just a shell of who I could be.  A week ago, I would have done this.  A week ago, I would have had a complete meltdown (including severe panic attacks), followed by harshly punishing myself over and over again (mentally) for my actions.

But something happened to me on Good Friday.  When I allowed Jesus to take my punishment, my guilt and my shame.  FREEDOM.  Freedom happened to me.  Release from all that had weighed me down.  Relief from the heavy burden I carried.  I was broken before the Lord and I allowed Jesus to take my sin.  He put it on His shoulders.  He told me that HE was strong enough to carry it.  His love was BIG enough to cover my mistakes.  To set me free.

Titus 2:14 (NLT) - "He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing good deeds."

John 8:34-36 (NLT) - "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave of sin.  A slave is not a permanent member of the family, but a son is part of the family forever.  So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.'"

And I tell you all this, not so you will wallow with me in self-pity, which I am not doing, for probably the first time in my life.  I hurt my friend.  I caused her pain.  I did something that will forever change the way that she views me.  I likely damaged our relationship beyond repair, and this is a consequence for my actions.  I recognize that and I am saddened that I hurt her and that she now has to try to come to grips with the reality of my actions.  She has to try to make sense of what happened, and there is no sense to be made.  There's no explaining it away.  There's no "fixing" it.  It happened and there is nothing I can do to change it or to soften her heart towards me.  Consequences.

The reason I tell you this is because I am at peace.  You may not realize it, but to sit here and acknowledge that, and realize that my heart and my mind are at peace (even though my body is still having mild panic attacks off and on that I can't control), is a HUGE step for me.  A leap forward, actually.  One step closer to God.  Each minute of every day, I want to keep taking steps.  I believe the enemy tried to get to me fall back into my same patterns.  To take the knowledge that I had hurt my friend deeply, and turn the pain of that upon myself.  To feel the guilt and the shame and punish myself all over again, for actions I have already punished myself for; punishment that I allowed Jesus to take for me on the Cross.  And the awesome thing is that while the thought was there, there was another thought present, that drowned out the devil's whispers.

You know what that thought was?

"Not this time Satan.  I gave that guilt and that shame to Jesus.  I confessed my sins.  He took my punishment.  He set me free.  And you will not get back into my heart and my mind with your lies.  I am truly free and there is nothing you can do to change what Jesus did for me."

And while I am still saddened at what my friend now has to experience and try to come to grips with, Christ freed me from the guilt and shame.  I can now pray, and I can pray that God will bring her peace and comfort and understanding.  I can pray that she will someday see me the way God sees me.  A sinner, who was lost, but is now found.  Covered by the blood of Jesus.  Maybe she'll forgive me someday.  Maybe what I did is too "big" for her to be able to forgive.  But I refuse to let Satan rule in my heart anymore.  He will not convince me that his lies are the truth.  Because I have been remade (that song is coming NEXT week!).  I am new creation.

One of my new favorite Bible verses is one that Kris preached about last week, on Good Friday.  It comes from Ezekiel 36:24:26 and it says, "For I will gather you up from all the nations and bring you home again to your land.  Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean.  Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols.  And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you.  I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."

God has done this for me.

I am forever grateful.

Playing with Pinterest - Week 1

By now, most of you are already aware of if not addicted to Pinterest.

How many of you are like me and COULD spend hours a day (and maybe do?) looking at all the fascinating things on Pinterest?

I just thought I would share with you some of the serious and/or funny pictures/quotes/sayings I have found on there.  Is that alright with you?

Oh that's right.

It's my blog.

So I don't care.  ;-)

Before I get to that, though, I'm curious.  What are your "boards" on Pinterest?  I have several.  Below are only a few of them.

BACON

(of course)

I believe this with all my heart.

RECIPES I LOVE

To die for! So is the Pumpkin one.

PINS THAT ANNOY ME WHEN I LOOK AT THEM

I HATE TEETH!!!

SIGNS/QUOTES THAT I LOVE

(this one is my favorite board!)

I'm a little obsessed with The Hunger Games presently.

This cracks me up.

Yes, that is pretty much how it started, and it is still going on!

Ha ha ha!

I love this so much!  Amazing song too.

I saw this on my sister's page and thought it was hilarious!

:-)

I LOVE The Help.

Literally!

I hate to admit it, but I do this WAY too often!

Music That Moves Me - Week 1

If you haven't noticed it yet, I LOVE music.  It is a very important part of my life and who I am.  Music makes me happy.  Music brings me comfort.  Music soothes my soul.  And since recently I have opened up my heart to an entire new genre of music (Christian music that I mostly avoid for the last several years), I decided that instead of posting every day the newest songs that I hear and love, I would dedicate Tuesdays to "Music That Moves Me."  Sure I could have done it on Mondays to keep up with the alliteration, but well, I don't want to wait until next week and I can't in good conscience lie about the day I posted this, so Tuesdays it is.  I never claimed to be the world's most patient person.  I am far from that and those of you that know me well are vigorously nodding your heads in agreement.  To you, I say, SHUT UP.  ;-)

I heard two songs yesterday that made me stop, pull out the laptop, and look up the lyrics.  So that you can fully appreciate the songs, I will try each week to find YouTube videos that have the lyrics with them, even if the videos themselves are lame.  Some of them aren't.  I'm not making fun of ALL videos with lyrics.  I'm simply stating a fact that SOME of them are lame.  Case in point:  there are way too many grammar/spelling errors in the today's second video, but you'll just have to look past it (yes, at least two is too many).  They have the lyrics and the music, so that's what is important, right? If the lyrics aren't in the video, I'll include them in my post.

I know that music doesn't speak to everyone; but to me, it is more than just music, more than just something you listen to. I believe that it can be a form of prayer and music has always taken the shape of prayers for me.  Since I was a little girl.  If I couldn't fall asleep at night or I was afraid, as a child I would sing hymns or praise songs in my head until I fell asleep.  I've always done this, except for the last several years, when I refused to think about real prayer.  But now that I am embracing freedom in Christ, music has once again taken up residence in my heart and in my prayer life.

This weeks songs are lyrically profound and have the added bonus of having an awesome sound as well!

First up, is Sanctus Real, "Whatever You're Doing".  The entire theme of these last seven years has been "broken".  I was broken.  My heart had been broken.  My marriage had been broken.  And this song really seems to describe what happened to me on Friday, when I finally surrendered.  My favorite line is "it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace; though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see".  So true.



Next, "For the Life of Me" by This Beautiful Republic.  This is the first song I have ever heard by them and I know it won't be the last.  Disclaimer, I almost didn't post this video because there is at least one word that is spelled wrong, but I really wanted you to see the words, so I chose to tolerate it.  I know, I know.  This goes against my grammar anxieties, but it was necessary. I can't really put any words to this song but simply show you what is already there; I will say that if I HAD to choose a favorite line (and it happens to be the one that is misspelled!), it would be "I've disappointed you, like a rose that never blooms. Failing to display my heart to you".  And even though "disappointed" should only has ONE "s", take a listen.  Very powerful song!

Beautiful Creation

I've always had "issues" (that word has become overused) with my self-esteem.  I've always felt like I was ugly, overweight, not good enough.  I believed the lies my mirror told me.  The lies Satan constantly whispered into my ear.  Kris and I were talking last night and I told him about two different experiences I had had this weekend.

One occurred on Saturday, while driving to my mother-in-law's.  We took Katherine out with us to see The Hunger Games (that could be a completely different post and likely will be soon), eat lunch and get pedicures. A fun day was had by all.  Katherine is already halfway through Catching Fire.  I love her passion for reading and getting to share in such a great story with her.  While on my way to Cindy's, I began thinking about my struggles with how I see myself and was struck with a thought.  "You are a beautiful creation.  I made you, and you are beautiful just the way you are."  I have no doubt that God was speaking to me.  And for the first time in 33 years, I believed Him.  When I shared that with Kris, he had a huge smile of relief on his face and said "I've been praying that you would see that since we got married."

The other experience happened at church yesterday morning.  We decided to call The Outpost our church home for a while (until God calls us somewhere else).  We just really felt this pull there, and I feel a great sense of comfort there.  Not a sense of being comfortable among the congregation, though that is certainly there even though we've only been twice.  But a sense of actual, tangible comfort for hurting and broken people, which Kris and I admittedly are.  The kids enjoy it as well, which is a plus.  The preacher, Tony, is real.  I like REAL people.  People who will get up to preach and admit that they have struggles just like the rest of us.  Too often in churches, it feels like the pastor (and everyone else) is doing just fine, while a small minority of us are sinners with lives that are crumbling around us.  I know that every church is full of sinners, which in my opinion is as it should be, but there are some churches where it feels like everyone but you has it all together.

So, while a song I can't remember now was playing, I had a moment with God.  I haven't had something like this happen in probably 9 years.  The reason I can't remember the song I think is not because it wasn't important, but because I was too distracted by this experience God wanted to have with me.  One minute I was listening to the words, because I had never heard it before, and the next I had this very clear picture of God smiling down at this "new" me.  The me that He has remade, and He was reaching down His hand to me, as if to say "I accept you and I love you, and I'm so happy you have come back home." It was such an amazing experience!

Still celebrating

I know that a lot of you aren't used to all this "God" stuff I've been posting lately, but I can't apologize for it.  Well, I can.  But I won't.  I've always been one to just write whatever is going on in my life and in my heart, and GOD is going on in my life and in my heart.  So, if this offends you or turns you away, it won't bother me if you choose not to read my blog.  If you intend to stick around, don't worry.  There will still be funny, sarcastic posts.  That's still me.  I didn't lose my sense of humor just because God captured my heart.  But it is important to me to document this journey that I am on and where I am at in my life; so if there are a lot of posts about God, it is because He is very real to me, in a way I never fully comprehended before.  And I can't help but write about it.

That being said, while perusing Facebook this morning, per my usual let's-be-lazy-first-thing-in-the-morning routine that sometimes continues into early afternoon, I came across a video someone had posted.  I don't always watch the videos posted all over Facebook, but the title of the video intrigued me.  And because this understanding is still so fresh and new for me, I still find myself trying to take in every new song that relates to Jesus' death on the Cross; as you are well aware, music speaks to me, and now, the significance of the Cross and Jesus taking my punishment is so real, I'm still grasping on to everything that reminds me of Christ's sacrifice.  Watching this video, I was NOT disappointed.  It touched my heart and even though "Easter" is over, doesn't mean we have to stop celebrating!  Nor should we.  I think each day should be lived in the shadow of the Cross and what was done for us.

Olivia

We do this thing called "time" with the kids, where we spend time with each of  them individually before bed. We're really creative with naming things, as you can clearly see. The kids really started calling it that. Now it's funny to hear them ask at night if we "have time for time."

Tonight, while with Olivia, she said she didn't want me to read my Bible unless I read her favorite story. I asked what it was. She said "Joseph and the coat of many colors." I told her she would have to get a different Bible, since my One Year Bible is not exactly in order.

She ran out of the room and yelled "Is my children's Bible ok?"

I yelled back "Does it have that story in it?"

She responded, almost annoyed, with "Of course!"  Like at Christmas, when she opened what we thought was to be an inflatable chair. Being possibility allergic to latex, she said "Is this rubber?" Then she ran to Kris with it, yelling "What is wrong with you people?!?"

How was I supposed to know what stories were in her children's Bible? It's mainly a picture book!

Ahhh the joys of having kids that make me laugh every day!

An Easter Offering

Taking the advice of our counselor, I wrote my thoughts on "Why I Deserve to be Punished." He encouraged me to burn it, as a symbolic sacrifice. It seemed important to me that it be done on Good Friday, and we also wanted to let the kids participate. Kris and the kids took some time to write their own "list" of sins they deserved punishment for, while I put together some songs that I wanted to listen to as a family. After listening to songs about God's forgiveness and Christ's sacrifice, we went outside to the grill with our papers and a lighter. This seemed the safest place for our sacrifice! While this song was playing, Katherine, Olivia and Abbey laid their papers on our makeshift altar and we watched them burn.

 

Kris and Kaleb went next, while Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) played. I went last. I videoed all of it until it was my turn. I gave my phone to Kris and had him video while I set my sins on fire and allowed Jesus to take the punishment for me. This is a short clip of my paper burning. I love the timing of the song with when my "sins" really caught the flame and began to burn.

 

What I found so interesting, beyond the timing of the words while I laid my sins on the altar, was that for some reason, my paper wouldn't continue burning. Everyone else's burned quickly and fully. Mine was stubborn though. There was a corner of the paper, maybe 2x2 inches, that wouldn't burn. I stood there trying to relight it, to burn it completely. It was imperative to me that it burn completely. And yet, it was as if Satan was trying to get in the way. Trying to keep me from giving it ALL. But I persisted and finally my sins were gone. Satan no longer has that hold on me. I am no longer holding on to the burden of guilt and shame that has haunted me and held me down for so many years.

Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I picked up my Bible, with the intention of opening it up and reading it. I've had a One Year Bible for years and, not surprisingly, I never did read through it in a year.   It has been on my bedroom floor for at least 6 months. It has been much, much longer since I actually opened it.  But I really wanted to read it. I wanted to open it to April 6th, which is how it is designed if you are unfamiliar, and see what God's word held. I was a bit skeptical when I opened up and saw that it was in the middle of Deuteronomy. I immediately thought "Well, this isn't going to have anything relevant."

What an idiot I am sometimes!

It began with Deuteronomy 29. It was all about a COVENANT that God made with Israel. As soon as I saw the word covenant, only 7 words in, I just shook my head at myself, eager to see what God wanted to say to me. Because I had, in a way, actually made a covenant with God to allow Jesus to take the punishment for my sins, I loved verse 9. "Therefore, obey the terms of this covenant so that you will prosper in everything you do." It isn't the part about prospering so much as the command to obey the terms of the covenant that really struck home with me.  God was saying "You made this covenant, now obey.  REMEMBER."

Verse 18 says "I am making this covenant with you so that no one among you-no man, woman, clan, or tribe-will turn away from the Lord our God to worship these gods of other nations, and so that no root among you bears bitter and poisonous fruit." This word ROOT has great significance for me. Through counseling, we are trying to find the ROOTS that tie us down and enslave us.  I shouldn't have been surprised at all that God was talking to his people about their ROOTS.

The reading for the day continued into Deuteronomy 30. Verse 6 jumped out at me. "The Lord your God will change your heart and the hearts of all your descendants, so that you will love him with all your heart and soul and so you may live!" It was as if God was reaffirming everything that had transpired earlier in the day.

Verses 11-15 were a soothing balm for me to read:

"This command I am giving you today is not too difficult for you to understand, and it is not beyond your reach. It is not kept in heaven, so distant that you must ask, 'Who will go up to heaven and bring it down so we can hear it and obey?' It is not beyond the sea, so far away that you must ask, 'Who will cross the sea to bring it to us so we can hear it and obey?' No, the message is very close at hand; it is on your lips and in your heart so that you can obey it. Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster."  I CHOOSE LIFE.

The next passage was from Luke, still a part of the reading for April 6th.  As I read Luke 12:6-7, I felt like God's love was just washing over and through me and it was a great source of comfort to me.  It was the culmination of everything that had been building up in my heart these last few days.

"What is the price of five sparrows--two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."

Wow.

Let's lighten it up a bit

I thought I would take a break from the heaviness and see if my kids have anything interesting to say. I did this activity just over 3 years ago, and I thought it would be fun to see if their answers have changed. Katherine is now 11, Kaleb 10, Abbey 9, and Livvy is 6.

So here is what is going to happen. I'm going to interview them and record their answers for all to see.

1. What is something mom always says to you?

Katherine - "I am loved, I am beautiful, I am going to do amazing things."
Kaleb - "I love you."
Abbey - "I'm loved, I'm beautiful and I am going to do great things."
Livvy - "Be quiet." (3 years ago it was "stop crying")

2. What makes mommy happy?

Katherine - "When I'm sarcastic."
Kaleb - "Bacon."
Abbey - "When we obey her."
Livvy - "When I obey you."

3. What makes mommy sad?

Katherine - "When daddy tries to do stuff and you get mad at him and then you're sad afterwards."
Kaleb - "No bacon."
Abbey - "When we annoy her."
Livvy - "When I don't obey you."

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

Katherine - "Whenever she is sarcastic."
Kaleb - "Sarcasm."
Abbey - "When she tells funny jokes."
Livvy - "She doesn't." ---whatever

5. What was your mommy like as a child?

Katherine - "How am I supposed to know?"
Kaleb - "I don't know."
Abbey - "She looked like Olivia."
Livvy - "Lucky."

6. How old is your mommy?

Katherine - "32."
Kaleb - "33 I think."
Abbey - "56?"
Livvy - "Give me a hint." (I said no, so she cheated and looked at Kaleb's answer.

7. How tall is your mommy?

Katherine - "5 ft 2"
Kaleb - "I have no idea."
Abbey - "She's 12 feet 12 inches." - wow
Livvy - "50."

8. What is her favorite thing to do?

Katherine - "Use sarcasm."
Kaleb - "I don't know."
Abbey - "Sew."
Livvy - "Sit." - she explained further "because you never get up"

9. What does your mommy do when you're not around?

Katherine - "Eat delicious food without us."
Kaleb - "Cuss." - um...no comment...
Abbey - "Go on Facebook."
Livvy - "Stay home and sew."

10. If your mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?

Katherine - "Cooking."
Kaleb - "Cooking."
Abbey - "Sewing."
Livvy - "To be a rock star." - huh?

11. What is your mommy really good at?

Katherine - "Cooking."
Kaleb - "Cooking."
Abbey - "Pampered Chef."
Livvy - "Monopoly."

12. What is your mommy not very good at?

Katherine - "Being mean."
Kaleb - "I don't know."
Abbey - "Shopping because we don't have very much money to buy good clothes."
Livvy - "Indiana Monopoly." - She's hilarious...because she annihilated me at Indianapolis Monopoly!

13. What does your mommy do for a job?

Katherine - "She makes headbands."
Kaleb - "Make headbands."
Abbey - "Um, she sometimes substitutes, she does Spanish, she sews stuff together and she does Pampered Chef."
Livvy - "Sell headbands."

14. What is your mommy's favorite food?

Katherine - "Bacon."
Kaleb - "Bacon."
Abbey - "Pear?"
Livvy - "Salad."

15. What makes you proud of your mommy?

Katherine - "She works hard."
Kaleb - "Your sarcasm."
Abbey - "That she's pretty and she loves me."
Livvy - "When she um thinks about us."

16. What do you and your mom do together?

Katherine - "We talk."
Kaleb - "Cook sometimes."
Abbey - "We talk."
Livvy - "Sometimes I play some family games with you."

17. How are you and your mom the same?

Katherine - "We're both sarcastic."
Kaleb - "Sarcasm and OCD-ism." --ha ha ha ha
Abbey - "We are both girls."
Livvy - "We both get tired." - too true...

18. How are you and your mom different?

Katherine - "I don't know."
Kaleb - "We aren't."
Abbey - "We don't look the same."
Livvy - "I talk a lot and my mom doesn't." -I don't think she knows me very well.

19. How do you know your mommy loves you?

Katherine - "Because of everything she does."
Kaleb - "Cause she says it all the time and I believe her." -I love that he said he believes me.
Abbey - "Because she says it and shows it."
Livvy - "Because she cares about us."

20. What does your mom like most about your dad?

Katherine - "He's smart."
Kaleb - "I don't know."
Abbey - "That he's good for her."
Livvy - "Because our mom is closer to God now." -still doesn't make much sense in context of the question, but it's true...

21. Where is your mommy's favorite place to go?

Katherine - "Away from her family."
Kaleb - "Casino."
Abbey - "Michaels."
Livvy - "QuikTrip."

All four of those answers above are true! I love my kids!

Counseling

Yeah...that's right. I'm admitting it. I'm in counseling. And you know what?

IT'S OK!!!

Sometimes I think there is a stigma attached to counseling or depression or other "issues", and I don't care if anyone thinks it's something that I should keep quiet about. What can I say? I'm a rebel.

Let's be real and talk about REAL LIFE. Because you know what? Sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes it's hard. MOST of the time it's hard. Marriage is hard. Sometimes, staying married seems next to impossible. Kris and I are imperfect people, trying to live as a married couple, and really we have NO IDEA what we are doing. So I am in counseling. Kris is in counseling. WE ARE IN COUNSELING. And...dare I say it...MARRIAGE counseling. The horror! (Yes, I am being sarcastic, if you couldn't tell.) Look, I don't really think there is anything wrong with it and I am not ashamed to admit that we needed/still need help. I think every married couple should be in counseling. Good marriage or bad...you can only benefit from marriage counseling.

If you know me, you know that I do NOT believe in coincidence. I believe that those "coincidences" are messages from God. Sometimes we close our eyes to seeing the truth in that. I know that I spent the last seven years ignoring those movements of God. I shoved God aside. I had my reasons. They weren't good ones. But they were my reasons, my excuses. And when Kris and I reached our lowest point back in February, a breaking point really, I finally began to open my eyes. At first, it was just one eye, barely open. As days went by and I saw God's hand at work in my life and in Kris' life, and in our marriage, I decided it was safe to open both eyes. And today, for the first time in a VERY long time, my eyes are WIDE OPEN.

Today's counseling session was HUGE for me. As I said previously, I've struggled with forgiving myself. I've carried the burden of shame and guilt alone; shame and guilt that has built up over the last 20+ years of my life. And after 20 years, it gets to be unbearable. I realized with ringing clarity today that I have NEVER in my life truly understood Christ's sacrifice on the Cross. I knew about it. I teach my kids about it. I believed it. But I just never fully comprehended the magnitude of it. It wasn't until today, during counseling, that it finally made sense. I have carried the guilt of my life of sin, not letting it go, because if God wouldn't punish me like I thought He should, I believed that I had to punish myself. I knew that punishment was a consequence of sin. And I knew that God is a loving and forgiving God. But I never felt like confessing my sin came with any kind of tangible punishment.  And I had it in my head that it was supposed to.  Punishment for sin plus a loving and forgiving God did not equal anything that made sense to me, though I never realized it.  So taking that flawed logic, I held on to my sins. Every. Single. One. And there are many. Though some were confessed, and some were not, I didn't accept God's forgiveness. I took the responsibility of punishment upon myself. It sounds foolish, but I do not believe that I am a fool. I just didn't understand that there was another way. I don't think I really understood what Jesus' death really meant.

Our counselor pointed out today that we all seem to "get" Easter and what it means. Up in our heads. But we don't always truly grasp the depth of what it really means, in our hearts. And for some reason, I am in a unique position to really, truly understand exactly what Jesus' death meant now.  I've been carrying around this heavy burden, punishing myself over and over again. I just couldn't forgive myself. For anything. I heard God today, in the words of our counselor.  He told me that I was right. I DO deserve to be punished for my sin.  And instead of lecturing me on "giving it to God" and all that "churchy-talk" (yes, that's a word; I just made it up), he guided me into an understanding of, not God, but Jesus.

I'm standing before God, buried under a mound of sin. I'm just a speck compared to the amount of sin that surrounds me. He is ready to punish me. And I know I deserve it. But then, after some discussion about punishment for sin, our counselor said "What if today, on Good Friday, you allow Jesus to take the punishment for you?" I believe my exact words were "Well when you put it that way, it makes a lot of sense."

I finally saw the connection.  My dot-to-dot puzzle that had letters and numbers in a different language was translated to English.  Jesus already stepped forward and offered to take my sin on his shoulders. He offered to carry them to the Cross. To be beaten, to suffer and to die. As a punishment for MY sin. Not just everyone else in the world. But for ME.  I've spent so many years believing in the Cross.  Believing that there is healing and forgiveness and mercy.  But today, I finally understood that it is there for ME too. I've spent so long punishing myself, because I didn't comprehend what Jesus was really offering to me. "The Cross" always seemed like this big picture, abstract concept. That it applied to the world, to everyone, and that's just how it was.  Until today, I don't think I truly ever really believed that Jesus took the punishment for individuals, for every single person; and that it included me.

Because I didn't understand, and because I didn't believe it, I have resisted letting Jesus take my place. But today, everything will change. Today, for the first time, I get it.  I finally understand.  And I believe.  And I will let Jesus take the punishment for every evil deed that I have done. I will nail it to the Cross and I will finally be free.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. I'm overwhelmed, thinking about the magnitude of it all. And of course, once again, God used music to speak even louder to me.  When counseling was over, I turned the radio on. Usually I listen to a book and for a LONG time, I avoided Joy FM.  I am not the kind of person that can be living a life of sin and pretend to have it all together with God at the same time, so I usually intentionally avoided it.  But today, I turned Joy FM on and the song that was playing was "Ocean Floor" by Audio Adrenaline. One line from that song kept resonating, with regards to my sins. "They're all behind you. They'll never find you. They're on the ocean floor." It just seemed like God was trying to reinforce what I wrote this morning about forgiveness.

Immediately following that, I heard "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless, a song I had never heard before. It's as if God wanted to tell me that I can finally let go of all my fear, and give my sin and punishment to Jesus; allowing him to take my place on the Cross.



And finally, as I was pulling into my driveway with Joy FM still on, I heard Amazing Grace for the first time. Really HEARD it. With my heart. I grew up on hymns. I grew up singing that song. Whenever I sang it, I never truly appreciated the words. Of course, it's a beautiful story about redemption and freedom from sin. But I had never really experienced that kind of grace. Until today. And while I am an advocate for singing hymns the way they were written, including all six verses of Trust and Obey, I really love this version of Amazing Grace, by Chris Tomlin that adds "My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending love. Amazing grace."

Forgiveness

I mentioned last night some of my struggles with forgiving myself. I finally understand that I just really don't get this concept of forgiveness. I grew up in the church. I went to Bible college. I understand the idea behind it. I have extended forgiveness to others, time and time again. But to say that I believe I have truly experienced it for myself...I don't think I can. Because I won't allow myself to forgive myself for wrongs I have done to others, I can't truly understand and accept God's forgiveness. There is something standing in the way.

And it's me.

So, when I heard "East to West" yesterday and really listened to the lyrics, I could really FEEL those lyrics. It's all about KNOWING that God forgives us and casts our sins away, but still not understanding just how far away He has cast them.

The concept of this song comes from Psalm 103:12 (NLT). "He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west." I love the way this translation doesn't just say He has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west, but that He has removed our sins as far FROM US. I'm the one that keeps holding onto them and keeping them close to me. God keeps trying to pull them far from ME.

My favorite line in the song is this:

"Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in. Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way."

There is another line that seemed to jump out at me, as I have come to admit that I am NOT active in this relationship between me and God, and it brought me some small amount of comfort. "I'm not holding onto You, but You're holding on to me."

Some day (soon I hope!) I will find healing and peace and really understand this concept of forgiving myself and accepting God's forgiveness...



I realized after I finished this that today is Good Friday. How appropriate that I should be thinking about it and pondering this concept of forgiveness, on the very day that marks our Christian reminder of The Cross and what Jesus suffered for us.

You ready for this?

I'm going to bare my soul.  There is a lot, and so I think that rather than type for hours, I'll try to break these posts up each day, so I don't scare you away.  And those of you familiar with my writing, especially when I have something weighing on my heart, know that even this post will take hours to read might be a little longer than usual.

By nature, I tend to place blame on myself, whether it is warranted or not.  I have a problem forgiving myself, even for things that happened 17 years ago, when I was young and naive and didn't know anything about life and the "real world".  And it is even worse now, when I make mistakes and am faced with the consequences.  I carry a very heavy burden of guilt and shame.  Each year, each month, each day, each minute, the burden grows.  Until I am here, now.  Drowning in the guilt and shame I have not allowed God to take from my shoulders.

I know all the right answers.  I know in my head that GOD should be the one carrying those, taking those away, restoring me.  But after 33 years of life experience, I finally realize that I have been incapable of truly convincing my heart that God's grace and forgiveness extends to ME.

I have no problem believing that God loves unconditionally and forgives everyone. Except for me.  Not that he can't.  Not that he won't.  But that I don't deserve it.  Kris would argue that none of us do really, which usually just makes me mad but that's a story for another time.  While I understand what he is really implying, my reasoning and crazy, psychotic, completely insane somewhat flawed rationale leave me feeling as if I have to punish myself.  If God isn't going to punish me, I feel this need to punish myself.

I've been going to counseling for approximately two months and have realized that I never really understood what God's unconditional love really was, or what it meant.  I KNOW about it.  I've actually SEEN it demonstrated through my husband, as he has loved me through some very dark times in our marriage.  But I don't really UNDERSTAND it in my heart.  Deep down where it matters.  And seeing Kris demonstrate that kind of love, instead of accepting it, I am astounded and I find myself asking "Why?"  How could he?  Why would he?  I am NOT an easy woman to live with.  I know many of you are shaking your heads vigorously right now, those of you who know me, thinking "poor Kris".  Why the man continues to put up with me, and further...really LOVE me...I just don't really get it.  I do BELIEVE it.  Finally.  I didn't used to.  But I do at least believe that he loves me.  I just can't get past the WHY.

I have some crazy notion that unconditional love should apply to everyone but me, even though I know that it is completely natural and healthy absurd.  So, I am really trying to wrap my head around it and really discover God all over again, as Kris and I have been discovering each other in new ways, renewing our marriage.  I guess I'm really starting over with God again too, like I did with Kris.

February 11, 2012 is a day that is etched into my memory and deep in my heart.  It is a day that I will never forget.  It began what would become the worst week of my life to date.  During the following 8 days, I wasn't sure that I would survive.  I wasn't sure I wanted to.  I didn't know who I was, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, whether I wanted to fight for my marriage.  I wasn't even sure I cared about anything at all.  And I wasn't sure that what was broken between Kris and I would ever be fixed.  Kris and I have some deep wounds.  Wounds we have inflicted on each other.  For the last seven years, we had basically just been existing together;  we lost each other somewhere along our 12 year journey together.  And I will never forget the things that transpired since that day.

God's hand was working in so many different ways.  There is too much to include in this blog post.  Don't worry.  It'll be in my book someday.  ;-)  Counseling the last two weeks was very emotional for me.  We were working hard, I think trying to get to the roots behind this wall I have up, between me and God.  While I have given my heart fully to my husband in a way I never thought I could again, and he has done the same in return, I have still been wrestling with this concept of a God who loves NO MATTER WHAT, forgiving myself (for pretty much everything I've ever done wrong in the last 33 years), who I am, and what the next step is.  It has been so overwhelming at times.  Since counseling last Friday, I really felt like God was tugging at my heart.  I can't even tell you how long it has been since I ALLOWED MYSELF to feel that.  Kris keeps saying that God is wooing me.  I believe it, and I know that Kris' prayers for my heart and my soul are being heard and that God is working and moving.  It isn't a matter of IF I will let him back in.  It's a matter of when.

Today I experienced something so powerful.  I had picked up Casting Crowns' CD "The Altar an the Door" from the library and was listening to "Slow Fade" which I wrote about not too long ago.  I had focused on just that song, as I find it so descriptive of where I found myself on February 11, 2012.  Today though, something compelled me (God very likely) to keep listening.  I drove out to St. Charles for a much needed (ok, not really NEEDED) trip to Hobby Lobby while the songs played.  I found myself trying with much difficulty to hold back the tears as the words from this CD washed over me.  When I got to "Somewhere in the Middle", I quit fighting and let the tears fall.  It's like this CD was written for me, for this time in my life.

I couldn't blog well from my phone, but I knew I needed to get my thoughts down.  So I emailed Kris.  Here is some of what I wrote to him, concerning this CD.

"Each song seemed like some sort of progression.

Right after "Slow Fade" is "East to West". I had heard that song before but never really thought about the words much. As I listened, I was barely able to hold the tears back, but I stubbornly did, not letting myself feel it. I didn't pay much attention to the next song, "The Word is Alive", but then as "The Altar and the Door" came on and I listened to the words, the tears threatened to spill over again. And then, "Somewhere in the Middle" came on. The tears flowed and the words just washed over me. I didn't have any kind of deep insight or anything, and I can still feel myself holding onto everything, but that song described how I felt. I thought I was on one end and God on the other. I realized through those lyrics that no, I wasn't at the other end; I was somewhere in the middle, between the altar and the door. The next song "I Know You're There" didn't do much to help me pull myself together. Then there was this song called "Prayer for a Friend" and I just got this sense that some people are likely praying that for me. It's all this progression. Starting with "Slow Fade" and making choices over time that change you. Then a song about how far God's forgiveness extends. Then a song about God's word being real and alive. Then a song about being between the altar and the door, compounded by the next one about being caught in the middle, and a song acknowledging God's presence even when we don't feel it, a prayer for someone who is wrestling with all those things. And lastly, the song that ends the CD is called "All Because of Jesus". Normally I wouldn't have thought much about this, except that it is the first song they sang in chapel on Tuesday at school. I had never heard it before and didn't really give it much thought then, but I find it interesting (to say the least) that it is on this album. I just...I don't know. I feel like I'm on the verge of something. I'm not sure what. A breakthrough maybe. I can feel my heart being tugged and I am not too stupid to not know who is pulling at it, trying to pull my walls down.

I knew I wanted write it down, and will continue listening to the album because I know God is trying to reach me through the songs on it and how it just seems to resemble my life, my struggles, my being "stuck" in the middle. And I know that the songs that follow are the key; they contain the truth my heart needs to understand.

And I think Satan was trying to prevent me from hearing it honestly. When I put the cd in, it said "no". Literally. It read "CD NO". And it wouldn't play the CD. I tried ejecting it and it kept saying no. I finally kept at it, and it eventually came out. I wiped it down then put it back in. Same problem. It said no. I ejected it again (it resisted) and I thought about just putting it away when it finally did come out, but I was determined to listen to the CD. Finally it started playing...and this is where I wound up.

I'm close. I can feel it. I shared with Sheri and then you last night that I was scared of the pain that comes from surrender, even though I know at the end comes redemption. I think it was important for me to acknowledge that out loud. It's that fear of experiencing pain that holds me back. But I think that is the next step. Ripping off that band-aid I put over my heart and allowing God to heal what is broken. "

So that is where I am at right now.  Below I have included a video (with lyrics) of the song that really reached into, and took hold of, my heart.  I hope that if you are in the same place that I find myself, this song brings you a measure of comfort, as it has me.

New Girl

I love New Girl.

The End.

Kids Against Cancer

Every year I participate in a Relay for Life event for a friend who sells Tastefully Simple. This year I went with my "pink ribbon" headbands and my "other" business (my night job), and Katherine went with me. She was very helpful!

It was during this event, listening to my friend Rhonda talking about Relay that Katherine decided she wanted to start her own Relay team. We talked about it and the team has officially registered! We now have 9 people on our team. Granted, 6 of them are my family, and 3 are my brother-in-law, my mother-in-law and her husband, but it's a start! :-) Our team goal is $1500 and our team name, decided by Katherine and me is Kids Against Cancer. We will be setting up several fundraisers over the next 125 days. Our event is on Aug. 3. If you are interested in joining our team, you can do so here, or give a donation.

Just as a little background, my brother-in-law Brandon was diagnosed with testicular cancer back in 2005 and is currently in remission.

Katherine's motivation was based on her just naturally being kind-hearted and compassionate, as well as in honor of a boy that died of leukemia from her second grade class 3 years ago.  I am so proud of her for stepping up at eleven years of age and wanting to be a part of this.

All four kids are signed up and each have their own goals.  Kaleb set his for $30, Katherine and Abbey for $50 and Olivia (age 6) declared that she would raise $90.  This was after talking her down from one million and then one hundred.  I tried to get her to choose between $25 and $50 but she was insistent, so $90 it is!  If you are interested in donating to one of the children's goals, please let me know and I will get you to the right place.  The link above is for our team page in general.  The picture featured is my brother-in-law with my kids. We felt it was a fitting picture for the team!

At the fundraising event today, I met an eleven year old girl who also has been gathering a team with her friends at school.  She bought one of my pink ribbon headbands for herself and wants to do a fundraiser with them as well!  Pretty exciting for me, and they're all going to look SO cute with their matching headbands!

Movies

I have been sick since Friday evening.  In the middle of a live viewing of America's Got Talent auditions (which I will write about SOON.  I hope.)  So I spent all of Saturday afternoon and evening (after Kaleb's last basketball game) laying in bed watching movies.  And I pretty much did the same thing on Sunday.

Thus far, the movies that I can remember watching (in no particular order and some with Kris/kids, some alone):

Sliding Doors
GREAT movie.  I think I am starting to believe that I really like Gwyneth Paltrow as an actress and I loved her in Country Strong. 

Griffin & Phoenix
I really liked this movie, though the ending did not satisfy me.

Thor
GOOD movie, I really enjoyed it.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Kris and I had already seen this but we let the kids watch it for movie night last night.  And of course, I liked it, because I'm cool like that.

Riding in Cars with Boys

I love this movie.  I do NOT remember crying that much the first time I watched that movie, but Kris insists I did.

Benny and Joon

I can't tell you how many times I have seen this movie but I love it so much!  I really like Mary Stuart Masterson's performance and I love Johnny Depp's character in this movie almost as much as his role as Captain Jack Sparrow.

End of the Spear

AWESOME MOVIE!  I have loved Jim Eliott and am fascinated over and over again by his "story" ever since a truly wonderful woman named Debbie Cooper taught me about him in Sunday School, a very LONG time ago.  I cried A LOT at the end of this movie too.  Go here to see the trailer for this movie.  If you've never heard of it or seen it, give it a try.  Even if you don't care about missionaries, God, etc...it is an excellent movie.

Beyond the Gates of Splendor

A great documentary (which I usually hate-primarily because I've never seen any), which "documents" what happened to missionaries Jim Elliot, Nate Saint, Ed McCully, Peter Fleming, and Roger Youderian in 1956, beside a river in Ecuador.  It also goes into detail about the wives/children and what they went through, how the missionaries all came together and took the journey that ended up in death (AND ultimately LIFE) for them.  It also shows several of the Auca (Huaorani) Indians, and their versions of what happened that day and in the days and years following.  AMAZING story.  I wrote what was supposed to be a ten page paper in college on Jim Eliott, and I think it wound up being at least 20+ pages.  Shocking, I know...

But in the midst of all of this, I found myself saying twice this weekend that unless people died in movies, I didn't like them.  Or rather, that I like movies where someone dies.  Does that make me crazy?  Don't answer that.  I already know the answer.  Two of the movies that I watched over the weekend had me wishing one (or more) of the characters had died.  I won't say which ones, because I don't want to provide any spoilers for any you haven't already seen.  But I really felt like I should break out My Girl and Bridge to Terabithia to get my "good guy/girl dies" fix.

If you end up watching End of the Spear and/or Beyond the Gates of Splendor, or have already seen them, please email me (or just leave a comment) and let me know your thoughts.  I'd love to hear your reactions to the movie(s) and the story.

What is that?

So tonight, Kris (who will henceforth be called my boyfriend-since I'm starting over, we decided we would "date" again, so don't be confused if you hear/"see" me refer to him that way) went to pick up a prescription for me (because he's awesome like that), only to find out that the Walgreens I sent it to was already closed.  But he brought home my favorite tea (the ultimate gift of love-aside from Jesus of course).  He handed me a turtle (chocolate and caramel, not water/land-dwelling), and a red-wrapped chocolate something.  He said he didn't know what it was, so in case I didn't like it, he handed me a green wrapped candy, the size of a truffle that was actually a Junior Mint (though I don't think you can call it Junior).  So I decided to investigate to see what this mystery candy was.  As soon as I opened it and spotted the clear-ish liquid seeping from the chocolate exterior, I knew it was a chocolate covered cherry.  Since he was in the other room I said loudly "This is a chocolate covered cherry."  I hate chocolate covered cherries.  I further surmised that this one didn't even have the white creamy goodness that is the only redeeming part of a chocolate covered cherry and I relayed this to him as well.  But I wasn't going to let a cherry stand in my way.  I bit the chocolate in half, capturing the side with the cherry.  I removed the cherry from my mouth and put it in the wrapper, and declared victory (out loud for Kris to hear) over the cherry and consumed just the chocolate and liquid whateverthatis.

That's when Olivia, who should have been asleep an hour ago, decides to chime in quite adorably (manipulative little girl) "Don't judge it by its cover."  I had to ask Kris to repeat it because I couldn't hear her.  So he did and when he told me, she added "Or how it looks."  It was quite amusing.  She is ALWAYS doing stuff like that.  She reminds me so much of Abbey in how she does things like that.  You know, that cute way that a kid sounds or the look on their face as they say something completely adorable when they know full well they are supposed to be ASLEEP?  Yeah...that.

By the way...life HAD been somewhat turbulent for a few weeks (which I mentioned briefly in my last update last month), thus the lack of writing on my part.  Things are starting to settle back into a somewhat normal-ish something or other, and as I was going to quickly just shorten this story so I could quote Livvy in my Facebook status, I decided I would just go ahead and post it to my blog.  I'm sure that my Facebook friends who don't really care at all what I say but haven't bothered to hide me from their feeds would appreciate that.  You're welcome.

So, I'd like to say "I'm back...to writing regularly...again...for real this time..." (this sounds a lot like my battle with food/weight loss) but I'm taking life one day at a time now.  Some days it's hours and minutes at a time.  I hope to document my journey, very vaguely of course because some things are just TOO personal (YES THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TOO PERSONAL FOR EVEN ME TO WRITE ABOUT), but I have to just see how the next day goes, after it gets here.

I know I went a little overboard with the parentheses but since I love them so much, it seemed only fitting to include so many in this post.   In reality, I gave it no thought at all until I read back through this and saw them all.  Then I realized that it isn't just in my writing.  (I'm pretty sure that I THINK in parentheses.)  ;-)