Wow. Today was a GOOD day. Like. Really. Good. My pain level is as low as it has been...about a 2 on the pain scale, which is low enough that I don't even really think about it every single moment of the day. Additionally, I feel lighter...more relaxed. Like my stress has just magically disappeared. I haven't felt this good in a VERY long time.
You know, you just don't realize how miserable you are until you somehow alleviate the "pain". Whether it be physical, or in my case mental. I didn't notice a huge difference yesterday, except that the morning routine of the kids taking F.O.R.E.V.E.R. to get ready (while it annoyed me still) did not make me yell. I mean, I just sat there on the couch, observing what was going on. And I answered my childrens' questions. CALMLY. Without irritation at them asking 501 questions. Is that the real me? Am I really the mom who is nice to her kids? Because that is so NOT the mom I've come to know myself as.
My doctor advised that I could take the Xanax as needed during the day, no more than 1-2. And that I should take 2 at night, along with my melatonin and unisom. She seems to think that this will help me fall asleep easier. So I did as I was told. Because the appointment was in the afternoon on Wednesday, I didn't take any Xanax until bedtime that night. My bedtime, not theirs. I managed to make it through their bedtime just fine thankyouverymuch. So when I woke up on Thursday morning (which was difficult I think due to the addition of Wellbutrin), I was really tired, but not feeling all the anxiety and anger I usually feel at having the CHORE of getting out of bed, getting kids ready for school, rushing out the door and going to work.
Abbey noticed right away, and being Abbey, she chose to say EXACTLY what was on her mind. I was just sitting on the couch, waiting patiently (NOW I KNOW THE MEDS ARE WORKING!!) when Abbey walked over to me and said "Did you already take your medicine?"
I smiled at her and said "Yes. I took some last night. Why?"
Abbey replied with "Well because you're not your normal self."
I said "Is that a good thing honey?"
And she said "Yes." She started to walk away, but then she stopped, had a look of contemplation in her eyes and then said "You have never called me honey before." At that point I just started laughing and told her that I call her honey all the time!
While it is an extremely cute story...it does make me sad that the "normal" me is not calm and relaxed. The normal me is uptight and sad and angry and impatient. So, I think it will take us all some getting used. Kris I'm sure can tell a difference. He wouldn't admit it...unless he was able to in a very polite, encouraging way, because he's just a nice guy. But this morning on the way to work, I said "Guess who didn't yell at the kids today? That's two mornings in a row!" Instead of answering, he held up his hand and gave me a high five. He's so cute.
All day at work I was just in a GOOD mood. How sad is it that I have been wondering all day what is wrong with me? My Facebook status earlier today read.
"I'm sitting at work feeling happy. And so I'm confused. And I think...why am I happy? And then I think was I really THAT miserable before? I think I was. WOW. What a HUGE difference! I feel GOOD. Neck still hurts, but surprisingly that too is not as bad...here's to hoping this is more the "normal" me."
I still can't get over how amazingly stable and relaxed I have felt today! And I haven't even taken any Xanax today! And I won't until bedtime. I really don't take it unless I feel like I NEED it. But it is just amazing to me that the Xanax mixed with the Wellbutrin can cause such a drastic change for me. I don't know if the Wellbutrin benefits are showing up yet or not...I would tend to think that it isn't just the Xanax I've taken at night that is elevating my mood but who knows...
Anyway...I just thought I would share that with you. Who knows...maybe someday I'll even begin to "like" the "new" me, instead of hating the "normal" me.
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