Dear Cancer...

...you suck!

*Disclaimer* - there is at least one typo in here.  I'm sure you'll find it.  I found it, then went to edit it and now can't find it and my eyes are burning...so the typo stays.

I'm drained today.  Not nearly as drained as my dear friend (and her family) who buried her mother today.  But drained.  Cancer claims yet another victim.  Cancer is like Satan...I HATE him!  He wreaks havoc wherever he goes.  He gets into your life and destroys you from the inside out, leaving a trail of despair and wreckage, that leaves your loved ones feeling empty and alone.

I'm thankful that I had the time and means and opportunity to go to Indiana yesterday to support my friend Amanda.  Her mom died Sunday afternoon and while I wouldn't normally go out of town for just any friend who was burying a parent (especially if I didn't know the parent), this friend isn't just any friend.

Amanda is very dear to my heart.  I get weepy when I think back over what we've been through over the last 18 years.  We connected from the time we first met and were fast friends.  When I look back to the people that I felt the closest to, and had the strongest connection to when I was growing up, she was it.  I don't think I've ever really told her everything I'm about to "say".  I've shared bits and pieces, but I don't think she really knows how much she means to me.  And it is actually pretty sad (on my part) that it has taken the death of her mother for me to really share my whole heart.

Amanda and I met in junior high school.  What I remember most about our friendship is all the laughter.  We laughed...a lot.

But, I was young and naive.  Especially about God and Christianity.  And even more so, about what friendship was really all about.  As happens from time to time, a rift came between us in high school.  Circumstances beyond our control, along with my limited understanding of how a friend should behave, drove us apart.  There was quite a bit of upheaval back then, when I was 15.  I blame myself for the majority of it.  At the time, I thought that if I just prayed hard enough and showed her the right passages in the Bible, everything would work out.

Reality check.  That's not what God wants us to be like as friends.  A real friend is one who will support you, no matter what, and just sit beside you, even when they don't understand.  I learned a lot from that friendship. I learned how to be a friend, because when I was 15 year old, I failed to be a true friend.  Most of it was immaturity, physical/mental as well as spiritual.  I was just a kid.  Trying to understand adult concepts.  And because I didn't know how to deal with certain circumstances, I pushed Amanda away when she needed me most.  I will always be saddened by this and feel guilty, even though I can reason out that I couldn't have changed it.  I can't go back and give my 15 year old self the maturity I have now as an adult.  But I still feel pain, and wish that things had turned out differently.

At the same time, I can't complain about how everything has turned out, all these years later.  I wonder if I would feel the same love and connection to Amanda now, had we not gone through what we did so many years ago.  I can't even remember now how many years ago it was, maybe 8-10.  Amanda reached out and reconnected with me.  I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I was for a chance to be a friend to her again.  I had learned a lot and in fact, measured how I treated all of my future friends off of the mistakes I made with Amanda.  I believe that I am a better friend today because I didn't know how to be a friend then.

I'm rambling, I know.  I am still trying to process all of this.  Anyway...long story not as long, we reconnected and began to rebuild our friendship.  We sat together at our 10 year reunion and I've loved being able to catch up and keep up over Facebook.  People say a lot of negative things about Facebook, but I love that I can keep up with the people I really want to keep up with and feel like I am still a part of their lives, especially those that live far away from me.

I feel like God gave me a second chance to be a real friend to Amanda, and I intend to take every opportunity to do just that.  It broke my heart to see her sadness, to feel it and watch her grieve.  It's hard, knowing you can't do anything to really ease the pain.  Knowing that words are not enough.  Hoping that your presence communicates your love and support.  And that was my reason for driving four hours to go to a funeral for a woman I didn't know.   Because I love Amanda, so much.  I'm home now, feeling drained and just sad.  Sad that I can't do more to ease her pain.  Sad that she will have to face the upcoming days and months and years without her mother.  Sad that I can't physically be there.  But so very thankful to even have the chance to be the friend I didn't know how to be when I was 15.

There's really no intention to this post, short of trying to get some of the weight off my chest.  Trying to take some of the swirling thoughts out of my head.  So, thanks for bearing with me!  And Amanda, if you're reading this, I love you and will be praying for you.  If there's ANYTHING I can do, even if it is just to virtually sit beside you as you cry, please know that I am here for you.  Always.